


Second Chances

by 1thousandminus7, kaneki_vampire



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alcoholism, Attempted psychiatry, Awkward Sexual Situations, BDSM, Both of them, Canon-Compliant, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, First Dates, First Kiss, Gambling, Immortality, Legal Drug Abuse, Lelouch does exercise, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-R2, Resurrection, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicide Attempt, They're just a mess, Unfair games of strip blackjack (which is a thing now), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, help them, underage drinking (in the US anyway)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-05-21 20:25:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 133,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1thousandminus7/pseuds/1thousandminus7, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaneki_vampire/pseuds/kaneki_vampire
Summary: After everything that had happened, the world was at peace. Everyone was happy in the wake of the Demon Emperor's death, with two exceptions. A knight who was never meant to survive, and a prince who didn't, but is clinging on anyway. In a world where everyone hates you, one person can make all the difference.





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic arose from an RP based on our character blogs on tumblr (@lelouchvibritanniacommandsyou and @kururugisuzaku-knightofzero). We had way too much fun with it and they both suffer a lot as a result. We love them really, we promise. Will probably end up as an epic, judging by how much messaging we do every day, so let's hope it turns out well. Hey, we're already in the process of editing over 100 pages. Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Two bros, chillin in a graveyard, five feet apart cuz they’re not dead*

It was the middle of the night and Suzaku was at the graveyard. He swore he’d spent more time here than he had at his apartment, sequestered away from the rest of the world. Lelouch’s grave was a solitary place, kept away from the public eye and visited by little more than two or three people. No one mourned for the Demon Emperor except those who knew the truth, and Suzaku was one of them. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, sat on dirt that still hadn’t had a chance to settle since it had been dug up and covered over less than a month before. His mask- _Lelouch’s_ mask- sat next to him. He had to wear it out in public, but this wasn’t public. Not really. He could see the irony; after all his own empty grave sat not too far from here. More than once he’d wished it wasn’t empty. Then maybe he could join Lelouch wherever he was, and he could be at peace. As it was, he didn’t say much. Just sat there staring at the engraved marble with his best friend’s name on it, mind lost to morbid thoughts.

Fuck, he needed a drink.

***

On the other side of the cemetery, another boy sat in a very similar position, his arms around a black cat. Tears fell silently down his face as he looked at the grave he knew to be empty, mouthing the words written in stone:

‘Knight of Zero, Suzaku Kururugi. Here lies a consummate and invaluable Knight to His Highness Lelouch vi Britannia, 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire’.

The boy was dressed simply, eschewing all the finery he’d spent his life wearing in deference to the boy whose life he had condemned with those words. Protected by the darkness, he sat there silently crying as he had every night since he awoke.

Suzaku heard someone crying softly not too far away, and panicked for a brief moment, reaching for the mask and hurriedly putting it back on. He couldn’t risk being recognised. Back under his disguise, he stood up and took a deep breath as he tried to ground himself. Zero couldn’t be seen to be emotionally compromised. Steeling himself, he looked around for the source of the sound and spotted a hunched figure sitting by... no wait, that couldn’t be right. His grave? Who would be mourning him? He stood a short way away, trying to identify the figure without getting too close, and was shocked to see Arthur wriggle free of the man’s arms and scamper over to him, sniffing at his boots. The cat still recognised him, even behind the mask.

The boy looked up as the cat scrambled away and froze at the sight of an incredibly familiar silhouette. Suzaku froze still in shock as a too-familiar face looked up at him and bolted off the floor, standing stock still for a moment before taking off towards the gate to the cemetery.  When the figure broke into a run, it took him only a second to snap out of it and give chase, sprinting after him. He caught up easily, tackling the boy to the ground and pinning him.

“What the hell are you?!” He demanded, his heart wrenching painfully, tears in his eyes as he looked down at a face he knew to be dead and gone. The mask distorted his voice, but there was no hiding his emotion. “Answer me!”

The boy on the floor flinched back and turned his head away but didn’t try and escape. Taking a breath, he reached up and ran his fingers down the mask covering Suzaku’s face, looking up at him. “You know who I am.”

Suzaku could feel tears escaping him, getting caught in the fabric covering his mouth and nose. He slammed Lelouch down on the grass, hands forming fists in his shirt. “You’re dead! I killed you, Lelouch! You’re not real!”

Lelouch winced as his head cracked against the hard ground but didn’t protest the treatment. “You definitely killed me.”

“Then how are you here? Am I crazy? Am I hallucinating?” He asked, his voice cracking. He felt a little like he couldn’t breathe. One hand pinning Lelouch down firmly by the collar, he tore the helmet off and pulled down the fabric, gulping in fresh air through his tears. “That’s it, isn’t it? I’ve snapped.”

Lelouch reached for Suzaku but pulled back at the last second, surprised at the emotion on the other boy’s face. His expression twisted. “No... I’m really here.”

“How?” Suzaku asked, and it came out hoarse and broken, his whole body trembling.

Lelouch pushed gently at Suzaku’s arm, “Will you let me up? I promise I’ll explain everything.”

Suzaku considered him, his thoughts at war with themselves. Eventually he relented, standing up and retrieving the mask. He took several deep breaths to calm himself and then put it back on, closing his eyes for a moment before turning back to Lelouch. “We’re going home, and you’re going to tell me everything.” He said bluntly before starting off in the direction of his apartment, expecting Lelouch to follow. Lelouch watched Suzaku walk away, something twisting painfully inside him. He desperately wanted to go with him. He wondered if it would be easier for Suzaku in the long run if he left now. Maybe the other boy would knock the whole experience up a bad dream or working too hard. He hesitated before shaking his head and slowly following his former Knight towards the exit. He owed it to Suzaku to at least assure him he wasn’t crazy, even if he didn’t tell him everything.

Suzaku led him silently back to his apartment, not saying a single word the whole time. He took back streets, avoiding people and only once they were behind closed doors did he take the mask off and flick on the lights. “Go. Sit down and explain everything.” He spat the words out, a cold edge to his voice as he pointed at the sofa. Lelouch slipped past him and walked to the sofa, hesitant and with none of his usual elegance. He kicked off his shoes and pulled his knees up so he could curl around them as he waited for Suzaku to sit down. Suzaku left him there for a moment as he swept past to the kitchen, coming back with a bottle of vodka and two glasses. He set them down on the table and removed his shoes and cape before pouring himself a fairly generous measure. He’d need it. “Go on then.” He gestured at Lelouch with the glass and took a sip, ignoring the stringent taste.

Lelouch was taken aback; from what he knew of Suzaku’s life before everything, he never would have pegged him as a heavy drinker. He reached across and poured himself some of the drink- he wasn’t sure he would get through the upcoming talk sober. Taking a sip, he winced. The taste was awful, but he kept the glass in his hands, needing something to hold onto. “What do you want to know?”

“Why are you here? How are you here? How are you not six feet under, where _I put you_?”

Lelouch shivered, “You put me six feet under all right...” He stilled and looked directly into Suzaku’s eyes, “I just want you to know that this was never the plan. I fully expected to die and stay dead... I didn’t even know this was possible...” Lelouch took a deep breath, “Do you remember when Charles died, and we told you everything about Geass?”

Suzaku took another mouthful of vodka. “Yes. I do.”

Lelouch copied him. The taste was no better the second time and it burned down his throat. “Do you remember C.C. telling you how she was effectively immortal? Code?” He broke off, struggling to get the words out, “Yeah, well I have one now, not C.C’s... I can only assume it was Charles’. I never wanted a Code and I told C.C. as much. I don’t know how much she knew about me having Charles’ Code back then... I’d like to think she’d have told me if she knew.” He gave Suzaku a sad smile, “I’m effectively immortal, I don’t stay dead for long.”

Suzaku stared at him, silent as he processed that. “You’re like her,” He clarified, “So if I shot you, right now, you’d just stand right back up again?”

Lelouch looked down, “Unfortunately... but please don’t. Being able to come back doesn’t change how much dying hurts.”

“You’re safe. It’s hell to get blood out of upholstery.” Suzaku quipped a little bitterly, “And... you mean it? You didn’t know? I could never forgive you if the Zero Requiem was a lie, and I think you know that.”

Lelouch’s laugh was harsh and humourless, “Oh I know. If you believe nothing else I say tonight, please believe that. I never thought I’d be coming back. Most days I wish I hadn’t...”

At that, Suzaku sighed, closing his eyes as some of the tension left his body. After a few seconds, and another drink, Suzaku addressed him again, “So... where have you been this whole time? The last time I saw you, you were looking very snug in that velvet-lined coffin of yours.”

Lelouch tensed and scoffed, “It really wasn’t that comfortable, trust me.” he took a gulp of the vodka, starting to feel the effects of it. “I had an apartment set up for C.C. if she wanted it after everything was over. I’ve been staying there, only going out to the cemetery at night... just trying to lay low and not see anyone.”

Suzaku tapped his fingers on the glass restlessly, “...Are you going to start something again? Ruin what we did?”

Lelouch looked offended, “Ruin everything? Why?” He spoke quietly, “I’m not trying to do anything.”

“Good... Good.” Suzaku sighed, finishing his glass and pouring a second. “So... here we are.”

Lelouch’s concern returned as he watched Suzaku drinking, however he no longer felt like it was his place to tell Suzaku do anything, let alone stop drinking. He looked uncharacteristically awkward sitting on the couch, looking anywhere but Suzaku, “Here we are.”

Suzaku swirled the drink in his glass, feeling much more relaxed than he had when they’d first come in. “I missed you.”

Lelouch felt like Suzaku was giving him whiplash, his entire demeanour had changed incredibly quickly. “Hey, Suzaku, are you okay? You are taking this... very well.”

Suzaku laughed, leaning back so his head was on the back of the sofa. “I’m taking it well? What, would you rather I was beating you to death? Having a panic attack? This isn’t the first time something that shouldn’t have happened did. At this point, I might as well take whatever life’s going to throw at me.”

Now Lelouch was very worried. “Don’t get me wrong... I’m _very_ glad you aren’t beating me to death or having a panic attack but... oh I don’t know.” He paused, thinking. “So where do we go from here?”

“I guess we just get on with things.” Suzaku’s laughter died, and he tapped on the glass again. “We’re both dead men. Neither of us can be who we used to be. It’s nice to sit and talk to someone, even if that someone is the dead best friend that I murdered come back to haunt me. I haven’t had a real conversation since.” He took another drink, starting to act visibly intoxicated now. “I told you, I missed you.”

“I missed you too... more than I think you’ll ever know. But you’re drunk, Suzaku... I’m not sure this is the best time to talk about all of this, although I agree that it’s nice... it’s really nice.”

“I’m not drunk,” Suzaku protested, “not properly.” He rested his head back and closed his eyes. “Not properly...”

Lelouch laughed “Anyone who says, ‘I’m not drunk’ like that is definitely drunk.” He took another sip of his vodka, starting to feel a slight buzz. His glass was only half empty in the time it had taken Suzaku to drink two full glasses.

Suzaku hummed softly. “I’m crazy. I’m crazy, Lelouch. I’m crazy because you’re here and alive and talking in my living room and I don’t feel any more of a mess than normal.”

Lelouch got up, swaying slightly and walked over to sit beside Suzaku. “You are not crazy.”

“I am. You’re not in my head.” He tipped the glass up and seemed disappointed to find it empty. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

Lelouch handed Suzaku his glass, stealthily moving the bottle under the sofa. “Am I normally in your head?”

Suzaku took the half full one in place of his own empty one more than happily, putting the empty one aside. “More than I want you to be.” He said, sipping at it.

“I see.” Lelouch was fairly certain that Suzaku would remember very little of this conversation in the morning.   He leaned into Suzaku’s side, it was so nice to feel someone else there, even if he’d never say that. “I think I have more of an idea about how this feels than you think I do...”

Suzaku didn’t really react to Lelouch’s being that close. The arm that wasn’t supporting his glass draped lazily over Lelouch, and he sighed. “Do you...? Do you, do you, do you...” He kicked his leg restlessly. “You’re Lelouch. You don’t know how people feel. You especially don’t know how _I_ feel, because I never told you. I lied... I lied to everyone. I lied to the psychiatrist, so she’d let me keep piloting.”

Suzaku’s words hurt. Lelouch knew he was distant and unavailable most of the time, and that was usually how he wanted it, but for his supposed best friend (present status notwithstanding) to believe that... it hurt. He was worried about Suzaku- very worried- but it also terrified him to hear these things spoken out loud. Things he had thought or done that nobody would ever know. Absently he played with Suzaku’s shirt sleeve, the familiar fabric was strangely comforting. “I’m not going to say that I know how _you_ feel because I probably don’t, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re on your own in this...”

“I am. It was in the job description. ‘You will no longer be Kururugi Suzaku. You will give up the world and become Zero, for all eternity.’” He stared at the ceiling, “Kururugi Suzaku is dead, and Zero has no one.”

Lelouch took the vodka back and downed the rest of the glass. The world was starting to feel blurry and his words were slow, “That was the point of the name Zero... nobody... nothing... Zero is so many things but he remains overwhelmingly a symbol. The plan was good... it worked... probably could have been better... I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

Suzaku watched him finish his drink with distaste, and looked around for the bottle, only half listening. “Where did the vodka go?”

Lelouch hit him, “Are you even listening to me right now?!”

Suzaku looked mildly put out at the hit. “You finished my drink.”

“Technically it was mine that I temporarily loaned you.”

“‘S my vodka. I paid for it.”

“Well I’ll pay you back for it then. Having said that, you did offer it to me, making it a gift.”

Suzaku huffed. “Not the point. Point is, where’s the rest of it?”

“I hid it.” Lelouch giggled, before slapping a hand over his mouth, horrified at the noise he’d just made.

Suzaku looked at him, bewildered. “I’ve never heard you do that before.”

Lelouch was mortified, “Me neither...”

Suzaku snickered at the look on his face. “The Demon Emperor giggled...”

Lelouch hit him again, his drunk brain was far braver than his sober one. “Shush you, that never happened. Lelouch vi Britannia commands you to forget it!!”

“You can’t do that to me.” Suzaku purred. “You used up your one chance on me. Stupid mind control powers.” He finished, looking disgruntled.

Lelouch gestured wildly, “It was an excellent use of my one chance if I do say so myself. Which I do... because I’m myself...”

“I hate it.” Suzaku grumbled.

“Me being myself?” Lelouch demanded, indignant and offended.

“No. Your Geass.”

“Yeah... sometimes I hate it too.”

“It’s cruel.”

“Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.” He flopped back into Suzaku, “The world’s not fair.”

“I wish you hadn’t Geassed me. I did a lot of bad things.”

Lelouch sighed, “Me too... and I don’t even have that excuse... I’m not sorry though, because you _are_ still here and there have been times… most of the time actually… when I feel like I can’t live without you.”

“I killed you.” Suzaku pointed out, “Me existing is exactly what made you not live.”

“Not exactly... I’m here now... also I asked you to kill me... which was very not fair.”

“I objectively made everything worse.” Suzaku stated bluntly, and disrupted Lelouch’s lying on him to go find the vodka, swaying as he stood up.

Lelouch weakly tugged at him, “Ugh stay... you don’t make everything worse. You make lots of things much, _much_ better... don’t run away... Also, that is an incorrect usage of the word ob... ob... objective, you mean subjective.”

“Nope. I mean objective.” Suzaku tugged his arm back. “I’ll come back when you tell me where the drink is.”

“I can’t remember...”

Suzaku frowned in displeasure, “You lost it.”

Lelouch giggled again, “Maybe...”

“You’re buying me a new one.” Suzaku grumbled, collapsing back onto the sofa.

“Only if I see you again...” Even drunk Lelouch knew that this would probably be the last time they saw each other. Dead men didn’t have friends.

“Well, you know where to find me.” Suzaku pointed out. “‘M always here. On my own.”

Lelouch lay across his lap, “I’m alone too...”

“Then come see me.” Suzaku mused, playing absently with Lelouch’s hair.

Lelouch loved feeling Suzaku’s hands in his hair. The room was spinning but he didn’t mind, he had Suzaku. “I really want to but...” He tried to find a reason as to why he shouldn’t. He knew there were several, his brain just wasn’t cooperating. “I never wanted to leave you.”

“I never wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill Zero, not you. When it was you I didn’t know what to do.”

“Same... I stopped trying to get everyone to target the white Knightmare even though tactically that was a disaster.” He hesitated, “I never could bring myself to hurt you.”

“Except after I blew up Tokyo...”

“Even then... but at that point it became a lot harder...”

“I deserved it.”

“It was not your fault... the Geass wouldn’t have let you do anything else.”

Suzaku kicked his leg against the table. “I’m dangerous. Unpredictable. Even I don’t know when I’m gonna do something horrible.”

Lelouch felt how hard he kicked the table and winced in sympathy. “That’s my fault.” He spoke with a dawning sense of horror. _This_ was what he had turned the strongest person he knew into, this was the power of Geass.

“Mhmm.” Suzaku hummed his agreement, closing his eyes against his spinning head. “Should’ve just ordered me to let you go and let me get blown up.”

Lelouch’s entire world ground to a halt at Suzaku’s words. He sat up quickly, ignoring the way his stomach protested. “NO!”

Suzaku winced at his volume, touching his ear tentatively. “Shhh. Too loud.”

Lelouch grabbed Suzaku’s hand, “NO! Please don’t die, please don’t.” Tears tracked silently down his face.

Suzaku blinked at him, his intoxicated mind trying to process what he was seeing. “I can’t.”

Lelouch barely heard him his eyes wide and unseeing, visions of Suzaku dead, dying and in unimaginable pain flashed through his mind. “Not you... please not you...”

“Why me?” Suzaku asked quietly, but then his drunk mind seemed to come to a conclusion, and he cupped Lelouch’s face with both hands, making him look at him. “Hey. Breathe. You’re freaking out.”

Lelouch was shaking like a leaf, his breath coming in strangled gasps. “No... please... I’ll... I’ll do anything... not him... take... take me...” the room was closing in on him, it felt like dying all over again, the sensation only making him panic more. 

Suzaku recognised what was happening, though he wasn’t exactly properly equipped to deal with it. “Lelouch.” He said quietly. “Listen to me. You can hear me, can’t you? It’s me. Suzaku.”

“Suzaku! Don’t... don’t die... oh god... what... what have I done...” Lelouch could vaguely hear someone talking to him, it sounded like Suzaku but that wasn’t possible, Suzaku hated him.

Suzaku was confused and worried. He took Lelouch’s hand, squeezing it. “Lelouch. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real. You’re in my apartment, and you’re safe, and I’m here. Lelouch, listen to me.”

“I can’t... Suzaku... I can’t... breathe... oh god... am I... dying?” He grabbed onto Suzaku as his breathing got faster.

“No, Lelouch. You’re panicking.” Suzaku brushed his hair from his face a little clumsily. “You’re not dying. You’re safe.”

“Safe?” His breathing slowed a fraction and he leaned into Suzaku’s touch, “Safe...”

“Yeah. You’re safe.” Suzaku repeated, brushing his thumb over Lelouch’s cheek since touch seemed to be working. “Can you breathe okay? Are you back with me?”

After what felt like an age Lelouch felt his breathing slow. He felt drained. “I’m sorry,” He muttered, tears still falling silently down his face as he looked away from Suzaku.

“It’s okay.” Suzaku used his sleeve to wipe away Lelouch’s tears, relieved that Lelouch seemed to be okay again. “It happens.”

The world was still spinning, which Lelouch chalked up to a side effect of the vodka. “Does that happen to you too?”

“Yeah. It’s not nice, but it passes. It’s usually because I heard or saw something that made my mind go to a bad place.”

Lelouch was surprised Suzaku was so coherent after drinking almost twice what he had. He just felt ill. “Mmm, me too.” His stomach lurched, “Um, where is the bathroom?”

“Um... through there.” He pointed at the correct door. “Or there’s one through my room.” He stood up, almost overbalancing and taking a few half steps to steady himself. “I- I gotta go too. You gonna be okay?” Lelouch didn’t answer and rushed towards the door Suzaku had pointed but, his stomach rebelling strongly against all the vodka.

Suzaku disappeared off to the bathroom too, but he didn’t throw up. In fact, when he came back he wandered to the kitchen to try to find something to replace the lost bottle of vodka. He didn’t have anything else as strong, but there were a couple of cans of beer in the fridge. He cracked one of them open instead, collapsing back onto the sofa and staring up at the blank ceiling with the beer on his chest, trying to think through the fog in his head.

Lelouch lay curled up on the bathroom floor. He’d thrown up several times and was feeling thoroughly miserable and still quite tipsy. He couldn’t understand how Suzaku did it, but thinking was hard, and he didn’t know how much of this he would remember tomorrow. Not all that much, he thought to himself, as he could barely remember anything after he finished the vodka. After several long minutes and a third of the beer, Suzaku had finally started wondering what had happened to Lelouch. Reluctantly pushing himself back to his feet, he called out, “Lelouch? You alright?”

Suzaku’s voice cut through the pain in Lelouch’s head and he sat up weakly, leaning against the sink. His voice came out in a croak, “I’m fine...” his stomach lurched again but he had nothing left to throw up.

Suzaku went to the bathroom door and knocked lightly. “Can I come in?”

“No, I...” Lelouch turned his head away, letting his hair fall over his eyes as Suzaku opened the door.

“You drank too much, didn’t you?” Suzaku murmured, patting his head in mild consolation. “D’you want a glass of water?”

“Ugh, if you think it’ll help I’ll try anything”

“Mhm. Don’t touch my beer.” Suzaku told him, leaving it on the floor by the sink and going to get a glass. He only spilled a little bit getting the water from the kitchen to the bathroom and put it into Lelouch’s hand. “Drink. It helps.”

Lelouch stared at Suzaku, “You know, I just got the strangest feeling of Déjà vu.” He shook his head and downed the water before looking back at Suzaku, “Beer? Why are you still drinking?! You’re going to end up like me.”

“Mmm... nope. I know my limits.” As if to prove his point, he took another swig of beer. “I don’t feel sick yet, so I’m good.”

“What the actual fuck Suzaku?!” He glared at the other boy before relenting, “Who am I to tell you to do anything? I single-handedly ruined your life. Ugh, help me up would you, this floor is not comfy.”

Suzaku offered him a hand, and managed to get him up, though he almost fell down with him in the process. “Back to the sofa?” He asked, one strong arm around Lelouch’s waist, holding him upright.

Lelouch leaned into Suzaku as the world spun around them. “Yeah, back to the sofa...”

“Unless you need sleep. Do you need sleep?”

“Not yet, I don’t think I can leave yet. Do you mind if I stay a bit longer? Just until I stop feeling like dying.”

“You can sleep here if you want. I have pain meds for the hangover.”

Lelouch looked at him in surprise, quickly regretting the movement, “Really? But you just... found me again and I don’t want to... outstay my welcome.”

“Big empty apartment. Might be nice to not wake up alone.” Suzaku mused. They stopped at the sofa and he let Lelouch down, sitting next to him. Lelouch flushed slightly which just made him feel worse. He couldn’t let himself believe that anything could come from this, Suzaku had never shown any interest before. “Besides, I’m not letting you walk home drunk. That’s a bad plan.”

“Okay.” His voice was low as he leaned into Suzaku. Suzaku sighed, putting his arm around Lelouch.

“I don’t know what to think about you...”

“What do you mean?”

“You did lots of very bad things and I should hate you... but I don’t, and I hate myself for it.”

Lelouch was quiet, Suzaku’s words hurt a lot, but he didn’t want to confuse the other boy even more. He pulled away to curl up separate from Suzaku at the other end of the sofa. “Don’t hate yourself for what I did. That’s my cross to bear, not yours.”

“I did hate you... or, well, I hated Zero... up until I found out it was you behind the mask. Then I couldn’t any more, and it made everything so much harder. I could have killed you, but I didn’t.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you didn’t. I hated that bloody white Knightmare so much. You ruined every single plan I made for a while and I actively tried to kill you so many times... and then I found out that it was you in the fucking thing and my plans changed so drastically that the others questioned me. Suddenly all the orders were capture or incapacitate that wretched machine. I never could stand to see you hurt.”

“Don’t you insult my Lancelot.” Suzaku poked him roughly. “Especially not after we did so much for you as your knight.”

Lelouch flinched but didn’t say anything about the poke, “I’ll admit it was useful then. And technically it was Lloyd’s.”

“But I was its pilot.” Suzaku said, unable to keep the pride from his voice.

“Okay, _you_ were useful.” Lelouch paused, “You were invaluable.”

“Mhmm. I did all your fighting for you, and I won every time.” Suzaku smirked proudly. “Best knight in the realm.”

“Definitely the best knight in the realm.” Suzaku looked so proud that Lelouch just wanted to kiss him, but even drunk he knew that wouldn’t be welcome.

Suzaku sighed, “I miss it. I wish we could go back to that sometimes.”

 “Me too, I miss it.” Lelouch threw his head back, “Being dead sucks.”

“Yeah. It does. A lot.”

Lelouch was starting to feel less ill and a hell of a lot more tired. Taking a risk that sober Lelouch never would have sanctioned he stretched out on the sofa and put his head on Suzaku’s thigh. Suzaku was too drunk to care, just resting his hand on Lelouch’s chest and taking another drink.

“Please don’t leave me on my own again, I miss you so much.” Lelouch murmured softly through the drunken haze, almost asleep.

“‘M not gonna.” Suzaku told him, drumming his fingers on Lelouch’s chest.

Lelouch smiled and placed a hand over Suzaku’s, threading their fingers together before falling asleep completely.  Suzaku looked down at him, surprised. He stayed like that until his drink was finished, and then carefully disengaged himself. Putting the bottle on the table and trying not to sway too much, he picked up an unconscious Lelouch and carried him to the bedroom, laying him on the sheets. After some awkward rearranging, he managed to pull the duvet up over Lelouch’s prone body. He then disappeared to clean the taste of alcohol from his mouth, before making it back to the bed and falling down next to Lelouch. He had only meant to stay there for a minute before getting up and changing into his pyjama shorts, but he was out before he managed it, sleeping deeply, still fully clothed and on top of the sheets.


	2. Separate Ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the morning after is never fun, and more and more issues come to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sure this doesn't need to be said but this fic is gonna tackle some pretty heavy stuff. Not all the tags have been added yet to avoid spoilers, but keep an eye on them each time a chapter is uploaded just in case.

Lelouch was woken up early by the sun in his eyes. He groaned and tried to roll over, his head killing him. It had to be the longest he’d slept for in a very long time and he couldn’t even enjoy it. He very quickly came to the realisation that the reason he couldn’t actually move was because Suzaku was holding him, and his brain short circuited. Suzaku was holding _him_. He realised he was still fully clothed, and reached into his pocket to get the case for his contacts, mentally giving thanks to the hours he’d put into practicing taking them out and putting them back in without a mirror. Lelouch put the contacts in and relaxed back into the bed. Everything hurt, he felt awful, and he was sure if he stood up he would also feel sick. He did, however, love the feel of Suzaku holding him- although that itself made him feel guilty, sure that the other boy would hate the fact that he’d been hugging Lelouch in his sleep. Lelouch didn’t remember much from the night before but what he did remember was less than glamorous.  Beside him, Suzaku was still fast asleep and snoring lightly, his shirt and cravat untucked and hair mussed as he half-draped himself over Lelouch. Lelouch turned as best he could to look at Suzaku, annoyed by his snoring before realising that Suzaku had never changed out of the Zero outfit. A quiet sort of horror thrilled through him. That outfit had been his pride and joy and Suzaku was _sleeping_ in it! Granted he still had the original but he had also made the one Suzaku was wearing by hand and did _not_ want to see it ruined.

It took a while, but eventually Suzaku stirred, aware first and foremost of how painfully dry his mouth was, and how his stomach felt off. He groaned and rolled onto his back, rubbing his face. Last night was fuzzy, patchy, but there. He vaguely remembered him and Lelouch on the sofa... and then tucking him into bed. He opened his eyes, wincing at the light, and glanced over to see if the whole thing had actually been real. Lelouch met Suzaku’s eyes and was shocked by how green they were this close up. His stomach lurched uncomfortably but he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up, leading him to believe that last night really had been a lot worse than he’d thought.

“So that did happen...” Suzaku breathed, and closed his eyes again, pressing his palms to his forehead. “Good morning, Lelouch.” He said, voice gravelly with sleep. At the sound Lelouch suddenly had a... thought. Had anything _happened_ last night?! He mentally reprimanded himself. Of course it didn’t; both of them were still fully clothed and he was almost 100% sure that Suzaku was completely straight.

Suzaku laid there for a moment longer before giving up and going to find a glass of water, tottering on his feet for a moment as his head spun. He came back with two glasses, giving one to Lelouch. Then he pulled open his bedside drawer and dug out a packet of aspirin. “Painkiller?” He asked, downing half the glass before popping two of the pills and taking them.

Lelouch groaned, “Please.” He couldn’t quite believe how functional Suzaku was when he was sure he had to be feeling just as crap as Lelouch did. Suzaku handed him the pills and then sat back against the pillows, emptying the glass.

“You were a mess last night. I think you got the worst of it out of your system, though, so whatever hangover you have will pass.”

Lelouch had feared that. “How bad was I?” He asked tentatively, sounding absolutely wrecked.

“I don’t know the extent of it, but you were shut in the bathroom for a while, so I reckon you threw up a lot.”

“Ugh, no wonder I feel so shit.” He flopped back and poked Suzaku hard, “How come you aren’t also dead? It’s not fair, you definitely drank more than me.”

Suzaku shrugged. “Better metabolism?”

Lelouch looked distinctly disgruntled, “I’ll give you that.” He sighed, “Why didn’t you send me back in a taxi? You didn’t have to let me stay... not that I’m not grateful.”

“You passed out on my sofa, and I wasn’t going to wait for you to wake up.”

Lelouch flushed slightly, embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He remembered last night, himself voicing how he wanted to not wake up alone for once. He hoped Lelouch didn’t remember that.

Unaware of Suzaku’s thoughts Lelouch spoke, “I don’t remember much of last night, so I apologise for anything strange that I did or said.”

“You’re...” Suzaku chose his words carefully. “An affectionate drunk.”

“Oh god.” Lelouch felt absolutely terrible and this just added the icing of humiliation to what was already a really shit cake he was not enjoying.

“Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything too bad. You were just... cuddly.” Not a word Suzaku would have ever described Lelouch as, but here they were.

Lelouch groaned, “Please, just shoot me now.”

“That wouldn’t help.”

Lelouch pulled a pillow over his face, “It would temporarily enable me to forget that I was... cuddly.” He shuddered in disgust.

Suzaku couldn’t help the flicker of a smile on his lips at that. “I suppose this isn’t a good time to tell you that you put your head in my lap. Or that you cuddled up to my side more than once.”

Lelouch’s voice was muffled behind the pillow, “Bullshit. Even drunk me wouldn’t have...” he broke off with a horrified gasp, “Oh god, I did didn’t I… just leave me here. I’ll die eventually.”

“It’s not that bad.” Suzaku reassured him. “Things could have gone worse.”

“How, Suzaku? How could they have possibly been worse?”

“For starters... we didn’t hurt each other, and we’re having a civil conversation right now.”

Lelouch moved the pillow, “Okay, I’ll give you that.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I got you drunk.”

He sighed, “You didn’t make me drink it. It’s on me.”

“I got it out in the first place.” Suzaku pointed out. “But to be fair, I was dealing with my dead best friend, someone I murdered with my own hands showing up after I watched him be buried. Or, what I thought was him, anyway.”

“Fair point.” Lelouch turned away, “If you were at the funeral then you definitely watched me get buried. There was no trickery there.”

Suzaku frowned, “Then... how did you get out?”

Lelouch sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed so he faced away from Suzaku. “I didn’t.”

“But... you’re here.” Suzaku pointed out. “If you didn’t get out you’d still be...” He shuddered a little at the mental idea of being in such a tiny box, no doubt with no air.

Lelouch was trembling. He hated remembering the hours he spent trapped underground. They were easily some of the worst in his life. “I was in there for two days before C.C dug me out.”

“...I’m sorry.” Suzaku murmured, his heart wrenching in pity. For one horrible, vile moment, his mind said, _Now you know how the soldiers at Narita felt before they died_. He was instantly horrified with himself for thinking such a thing. “But you’re here now.”

“Yeah...” Lelouch put his head in his hand, ignoring the way his stomach protested. The handful of painkillers he’d downed were starting to work so he felt marginally less shit. As if reading Suzaku’s mind, Lelouch spoke. “You probably think I deserve it for what I did at Narita, some kind of perverted karma and I don’t blame you in the slightest.”

Suzaku’s guilt felt like a punch to the gut, and he winced. “Suffering isn’t fixed through more suffering.”

Lelouch’s laugh was bitter and humourless, “Says you.”

Suzaku flinched. Lelouch was right, he was a hypocrite. “I’m sorry.” He muttered again when words failed him, drawing his knees to his chest.

Lelouch sighed and stood up, ignoring his hangover, and walked to the bathroom.  Just before he left the room he turned back towards the bed, “I don’t blame you you know. For thinking that way. A lot of people do.”

“I don’t wish it on you,” Suzaku told him, “I don’t.”

Lelouch shrugged, “Then don’t wish it on yourself either.”

 _That’s none of your concern_ , a sharp voice in Suzaku’s head snapped. He pushed it away and stayed silent.

Lelouch went into the bathroom and started the arduous task of cleaning himself up as best he could with only the clothes he’d slept in. He was worried by Suzaku’s silence but not surprised. Deciding to actually do something rather than sit on the bed and suffer, Suzaku got up and found a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, changing out of the outfit he’d – regrettably - fallen asleep in. Lelouch walked back into the room to see Suzaku hanging up the Zero outfit.

“Suzaku...” His voice was dangerously quiet, “Just why did you think that it was a good idea to sleep in a handmade outfit?”

Suzaku frowned at him, “I didn’t mean to.”

Lelouch dismissed him and held out the costume for inspection. It was as he thought, the creases were horrific. “You are going to have to dry clean this.”

“Dry clean-” Suzaku sputtered, “Let me get this straight. You want me to take the ZERO outfit to a dry cleaner?”

Lelouch’s glare was scathing, “There are 4 dry cleaners in strategic positions around Pendragon Geassed to forget both the fact that it is the Zero outfit and the person who brought it in. They will just think you are a random citizen dropping in a suit for cleaning.”

Suzaku rolled his eyes. “Well I didn’t know that, did I? You’ll have to tell me where they are.”

“I left the details in the notes I wrote for you and Nunnally before I died... please tell me you’ve read them.”

Suzaku paused. “...What?”

“You haven’t read them, have you?”

“I didn’t find any - you left notes?” Suzaku asked, though now that he thought about it, that... did make sense. This was Lelouch, after all.

Lelouch calmly hung the outfit up in the wardrobe before turning to face Suzaku. He looked livid, “Are you telling me that I spent every night of my final months alive writing you _explicit_ instructions and helpful advice and you _didn’t even read them?_ ”

Suzaku blinked, looking mildly intimidated. “I... Where are they?”

“I left them on my desk, in plain sight. It was even clearly labelled ‘Suzaku’, in case you missed it!” His voice slowly got louder as he spoke until he was almost shouting.

“...Oh.” Suzaku cast his eyes down, “I haven’t been back in your rooms since. I... couldn’t.”

Lelouch stopped, he hadn’t considered that Suzaku might have found the memories of their time together so painful he wouldn’t venture into his old rooms, “Oh...”

“I’m sorry.”

Lelouch took a deep breath, “Don’t be, I should have put them somewhere more... accessible.”

Suzaku finished straightening out the outfit on its hanger, standing still and unsure for a moment. “I haven’t spent any more time in the palace than necessary.”

“You are not needed there all the time?”

“No. For specific things, yes, but not much.”

“Well I didn’t expect that.” He paused, “Do you have to go in today.”

Suzaku shook his head, “No. I’m not needed today.”

Lelouch looked away, “Do you want me to leave?”

Suzaku tapped his fingers on the fabric. “Not really.”

Lelouch was surprised, “Are you sure?”

“It gets boring around here, okay?” Suzaku said, defensive.

Lelouch processed that for a moment, “Okay... what do you want to do?” Now he was no longer distracted, the hangover came back with a vengeance.

“I don’t know. Watch a movie or something?”

“Okay.” He was thrilled at the prospect of spending more time with Suzaku but tried to hide it.

“I need food first, though.”

At the thought of food Lelouch’s stomach lurched painfully but he spoke anyway, knowing Suzaku would expect them to both eat, “Do you want to order food or…?”

“I have enough for breakfast.”

Lelouch’s stomach reminded him again that eating wasn’t the best plan at the moment. “I think I might pass on the food. Do you have coffee?”

“Yeah.” He left the bedroom to go start boiling water for the coffees, pulling a cereal box out and eating a handful.

Lelouch looked on horrified, if his appetite wasn’t gone before it was now, “What are you doing?!”

Suzaku paused around a mouthful of cereal. “Breakfast?”

Lelouch’s voice rose to an almost shriek, “You are eating cereal _out of a box_ with your _hands_!”

Suzaku slowly withdrew his hand from the box, frozen in place. “And that’s... bad?”

Lelouch just stared at him. “Where is the bowl, the spoon?! Suzaku... I just... What...” he finally fell silent. He didn’t understand how Suzaku lived like this. While Lelouch considered it perfectly okay to eat cereal out of the box with his hands for a snack, doing that for an entire meal was just vile.

“Saves washing up.” Suzaku pointed out, “And I’ve lived either alone or in barracks for a long time. No one’s cared about my etiquette.”

Lelouch was speechless, he grabbed the coffee off the side and poured it into two mugs. Plonking one down next to Suzaku he took his, not looking to closely at how clean it was. He’d rather not know. “Well I’m going to be in the other room, I’m not watching this.” Suzaku rolled his eyes, and got a bowl and spoon, though he continued to pick out of the bowl with his fingers.

Lelouch settled himself on the sofa and looked around Suzaku’s living room. He hadn’t examined it too closely the night before, and... it wasn’t pretty. Clothes were everywhere, along with pizza boxes and empty mugs. He thought he saw the vodka from the night before peeking out from under the sofa and kicked it back, not wanting to even think about drinking right now. Suzaku joined him a few minutes later with the cereal and the mug. It was still incredibly strange for him to see Lelouch on his sofa, in his mundane little apartment. Lelouch looked up as Suzaku entered, sipping at his coffee. “I see you got a bowl.”

“Yeah. Better?”

“Much.”

“Good.” Suzaku put the mug down so he could eat, not sure how to fill the silence. Lelouch didn’t know what to say either, it was so strange. There was so much they needed to talk about but neither of them knew where to start or where the line was. Eventually, Suzaku abandoned an empty bowl and picked up his coffee, sipping it. “So... what are you going to do now?”

Lelouch stared into his coffee, “I was leaving, when I went to your grave... that was going to be the last time I saw it for a long time. C.C told me - and I agree - that it’s easier to leave than stay where everyone might know you.” He laughed quietly, “I was going to Australia to lie low for a few years.”

“Are you still going to do that?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

For a split second, Suzaku entertained the idea of asking to go with him. But no, he’d promised he would stay here and take up the mantle of Zero. “If you do... then good luck.”

Lelouch stayed silent for a long time. He didn’t know what to say. Now that he knew Suzaku did not completely hate him, things had changed. He didn’t want to leave him, even if he knew there was never a chance to be with him in the way he wanted. Suzaku sat back and nursed his coffee. He didn’t want to go back to being alone, but he wasn’t about to say anything. He wasn’t selfish enough to ask Lelouch to give up freedom to keep him sane.

Eventually Lelouch spoke, “You know... I think I’ll stick around, at least for a while.” He wanted to stay close to Suzaku, even if nothing ever came of it. He had been right after all; nobody wants to be alone.

“You will?” Suzaku asked, looking up, “Even though you’re not going to be able to go out, really?”

“Eh, it could be worse.” Lelouch shrugged. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but he’d do it for Suzaku.

“Yeah.” Suzaku smiled into his coffee, “It could be.”

Eventually Lelouch spoke again, “I should probably go... let you do... whatever you normally do.”

Suzaku snorted. “Like what? Sit around and wait to be summoned as Zero? Binge watch some TV programme with a six pack of beers?”

“That’s really all you do?” The concern for Suzaku’s drinking habits returned with a vengeance, the amount of alcohol stashed around the apartment in various stages of empty was alarming, to say the least.

Suzaku shrugged, “Pretty much. What is there to do?”

“I don’t actually know... it’s hard being dead.”

“Yeah. It is.”

Lelouch laughed, “At least you have something to do most of the time!”

“Do I?” Suzaku asked, “It doesn’t feel like it.”

“You definitely have more to do than me.”

“You mean the occasional public appearance?”

“Still more than me.” He leant back, coffee mostly forgotten. “You know I keep forgetting that the role of Zero has changed. Every time you say you don’t have much to do I find it so hard to believe.”

“Zero isn’t a revolutionary any more. He’s not needed. He exists as a symbol, nothing else.” Suzaku sighed heavily.

“I know... I set it up that way... it’s just so different from the Zero position I held....”

“Yeah... I almost wish I had something to fight for. Life feels... empty, now.”

Lelouch went quiet again, “I know and for that I am really sorry. I fully expected you to have a lot more guard detail, I thought people would try and assassinate Nunnally.”

“She’s not you. People like her.” Suzaku said, a little bluntly.

“Ouch, that was harsh.” Lelouch winced, “In my defence I cultivated that image.”

“Exactly.” Suzaku pointed out. “After you, she’s an absolute angel.”

“That was the point.”

“Yeah...”

Lelouch was silent, his coffee gone. “Where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ever think this would happen.”

“Me neither, I never thought I would see you again. Last night, that was my way of saying goodbye.”

“By getting drunk and passing out on me?” Suzaku asked, confused.

Lelouch cringed at the memory, “Ugh no, don’t remind me. Before that, at the graveyard.”

“Visiting my grave?” He asked. “...Thank you. It’s kind of depressing to live to see that no one visits.”

Lelouch gave in and leaned against him, “Trust me, I get it. It’s one thing to set yourself up to live the life of a dead man. It’s a completely new thing to watch people try and desecrate your grave. The cemetery staff have been working over time keeping mine clean.”

“No one comes near when Zero’s there.”

Lelouch laughed bitterly, “I bet they wonder what on Earth Zero is doing there.”

“Maybe. But no one asks.”

Lelouch scoffed, “They wouldn’t, you’re terrifying in that outfit, far more than I ever was.”

“You think so?” Suzaku asked, frowning a little. “I’ve never hurt anyone... except you. I just stay quiet by Nunnally‘s side the whole time.”

Lelouch waved absently in Suzaku’s direction, “You just have this... presence.”

“...Thank you?”

“Eh, you’ve always had it,” _It’s part of what makes you so attractive,_ he added mentally.

“Do you think it’s my military training?”

He waved again, “Probably.” He felt marginally less awful now and wanted to monopolise on it for as long as he could.

“Hm,” Suzaku sat back, contemplative, “I suppose that’s a good thing.”

“Yes, it makes you very... intimidating.”

Suzaku tapped his foot against the carpet, “Do you really think I’m intimidating? Even now?”

Lelouch shrugged and put down his coffee mug, “I always thought you were intimidating, that definition just changed to ‘not dangerous to me’ over time.”

“Huh...” Suzaku considered that, a small frown on his face. He didn’t like that. Especially not now, when his honour as a knight wouldn’t win anything anymore, and his worth as a warrior was next to nothing.

“You were very good at what you did though... very good. The best Knight in the realm.” He mused.

“Even after Bismarck told me I never would be.” Suzaku added with a little smile.

“Bismarck was a twat.”

That made Suzaku laugh out loud. “You’re not wrong.”

“I always wondered why Charles liked him so much. He was always horrible to everyone and so entitled. Knight of One my arse. Now it all makes sense I suppose.”

“Because Charles was a twat too?” He guessed.

“Charles was the biggest twat of all, Emperor Twat.”

“I never would have thought I’d hear you phrase it like that.” Suzaku chuckled, “But I’m glad you did.”

Lelouch grinned and looked at Suzaku sideways, “It makes it easier doesn’t it, thinking of him and his actions as a twat being a twat.”

“Yeah... it seems a lot less... big, I suppose. Less world-altering.”

“Exactly, it’s easier.”

Suzaku nodded and finished his coffee. “Sometimes it’s nice to think of these things in mundane ways.”

Lelouch scoffed, “How do you think I got this far?”

“Sheer force of will?”

“Pretty much.”

Suzaku smiled, “That’s admirable in of itself.”

“That’s really nice coming from you, master of sheer willpower.”

“Really?” Suzaku gave a cynical laugh. “Me?”

Lelouch raised an eyebrow, “How did you get here then?”

“Your command, mostly.”

Lelouch frowned, Suzaku’s comment worried him, “Well at least I was good for something.”

Suzaku suppressed a laugh, his thoughts going to dark places. “Let’s go with that.”

Lelouch didn’t feel they were getting anywhere with this conversation and changed tack. “What did you want to watch?”

Suzaku was grateful for the change of topic and turned on the TV, flicking through the options. “Anything, really. Preferably something that doesn’t require a lot of thinking.”

Lelouch shrugged, “You choose, I don’t mind. It’s been a long time since I watched anything so I have no idea what’s good.”

Choosing something, Suzaku sat back and sighed. This felt far too normal to be real. Lelouch got bored of the program very quickly, but he had told Suzaku he could choose and continued to put up with it. This went on for several minutes before either of them spoke. “This feels weird.”

Suzaku glanced over at him. “Yeah. It does.” He agreed, though he didn’t know what to say or do about it. The silence was uncomfortable and awkward. Neither boy knew where to go from there so both of them just opted to say nothing. After letting the movie play for a few more minutes, picking awkwardly at the sofa cushion, Suzaku finally spoke, “You don’t have to stay. You can go.”

Lelouch looked up surprised that Suzaku was suggesting he left after basically asking him to stay several times now. He didn’t have anything to do anywhere else, but the awkward silence was getting to him. It was so far from the relationship he used to have with Suzaku. Maybe not so far from the relationship between the Emperor and his Knight but at least then they’d had something to work for. Lelouch found himself almost missing those days sometimes. He cleared his throat, “If I leave are you going to be okay?”

“I’ll cope. I’m not dependant on you, you know.” Suzaku didn’t want him to leave, didn’t want to be alone again but his thoughts were screaming at him that Lelouch didn’t want to be here, so he’d just let him go.

Lelouch flinched at his tone, it was hard to look at Suzaku, hard to be in his house. Lelouch was so close to everything he had ever wanted (apart from being alive) that it was almost physically painful. He simultaneously wanted to be with Suzaku and to run away, somewhere where he’d never see Suzaku again because this just hurt too much. He knew it was unrealistic, he knew nothing would ever come of it but somewhere along the line he’d fallen for Suzaku. He had the distinct feeling he’d been falling for a long time. It hurt so much to watch Suzaku hate him but Lelouch had also feared that the betrayal he’d experienced at the hands of the other boy was never going to leave him, never going to let him trust Suzaku fully again. Now that Suzaku didn’t seem to hate him and seemed to want him around, Lelouch was sure it hurt more. He needed to get out of there before he did something he’d regret. He stood slowly and went to gather his stuff. He didn’t have a lot, only what he’d taken to the cemetery the previous evening- a jacket, his phone and some money for the cab home. He turned to Suzaku, phone in hand and held it out to him. “You can call me if you want, any time. I’m not busy in the slightest.”

“Should I put my number in?” Suzaku asked, squashing down the numb sadness in his chest. Lelouch gave Suzaku his phone, the sad expression that crossed his face was painful to see but Lelouch was sure it would only be worse if he stayed. Suzaku plugged in his contact details and handed it over. His expression was carefully maintained stoicism, something he’d perfected over the years. “There. Text me, I guess.”

Lelouch watched Suzaku shut down and his decision to leave wavered. When he spoke it was hesitant, “I’m going to call a cab, just give me a second.” He paused, “What’s your address?” Suzaku rattled off the street, building, and apartment number, sitting back on the sofa. Lelouch nodded absently, already on the phone. He walked towards the door in an attempt to find his shoes as he spoke. Watching him with quiet reluctance, Suzaku contemplated if Lelouch would ever actually contact him, or if he would worry if he didn’t answer. When Lelouch hung up he walked back over to the sofa and sat down. “It’ll be here in about 15 minutes, so you have time to ask anything you want.”

“Ask?” Suzaku frowned. “Like what?”

Lelouch rested his head in his hand, “I don’t know, anything you didn’t want to ask earlier because I might have stayed for longer and you’d have to put up with the consequences of asking?”

“Um...” He frowned, thinking, “I don’t know... have you been to my grave more often than the one time I saw you there?”

Lelouch didn’t look up, “Every night, normally later than that though, around 3 or 4 in the morning. Whenever trying to sleep finally got too much.”

“Oh... even though it’s empty?”

“Even though it’s empty... I don’t know, I never thought I’d see you again, so if staring at your name on a piece of stone was the closest I’d get then I’d take that.”

“I don’t think the real thing’s much better.” Suzaku murmured.

Lelouch hit him, making his head snap to one side and his cheek smart, “For fuck’s sake Suzaku. Stop putting yourself down! I like you, okay?! I like you a lot and I really wish one day you’d learn to like yourself!” Lelouch froze, he hadn’t meant to say that.

Suzaku blinked, taken aback by the hit, and the following words. “Even after everything I did, you still like me?”

“Idiot. I’ll always like you, even after everything.” Lelouch’s phone rang, interrupting the moment. He looked apologetically at Suzaku, “I should get that, it’s probably the cab.”

“Okay.” Suzaku said absent-mindedly, putting a hand to his cheek where it still stung.

The cab was outside, and Lelouch grabbed his jacket before speaking, “I’ll see you soon. Text me!” He rushed out the door, looking back one last time to see Suzaku sitting there holding one hand to his face and looking lost. It was almost enough to make him turn around and try and hug him. He turned away. It was not his place, not now, not ever.

Suzaku glanced over at his phone after the door closed, abandoned on the table. He stared at it for a few long moments. Surely Lelouch didn’t mean that. He was a terrible person. He sold Lelouch to Charles, he was the reason Lelouch believed Nunnally to be dead, he had been the cause of so much pain and suffering. It had to be a lie, didn’t it? Burying his face in his hands, he tried to clear his racing thoughts and failed. This wasn’t going anywhere. He needed a distraction before he fell to pieces again.

Lelouch sat in the cab on his way home and tried not to cry. He was so frustrated with himself for even feeling this much emotion. He had had a nice handle on forgetting everything and repressing anything painful, and then he had to go and see Suzaku and rip the wounds straight back open. He just had to hold himself together until he got home. He couldn’t fall apart here, even if he could Geass the driver to forget everything. That was something he’d probably end up having to do anyway, as the elderly man driving had become increasingly anxious since Lelouch got in the car and spent most of his time staring at him through the rear-view mirror.

He did end up having to Geass the driver. Pretending he was dead was exhausting. He let himself into his apartment, where it was quiet and dark. More by accident than skill Lelouch found his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed, finally letting out a sob. He clutched at a pillow trying desperately to hold himself together. Talking to Suzaku was harder than he had ever thought possible and brought up so many memories he’d rather remained forgotten. The darkness suddenly felt oppressive, pressing down on him from all sides. Frantically he fumbled for the light switch but never found it. Memories of his time underground flooded his mind and he whimpered, breath starting to come in pants. He trembled as the panic washed over him and his world narrowed down to the feeling of abject terror. He couldn’t breathe, it felt like he was back in that coffin dying over and over again of suffocation. Nothing felt real except the fear. He felt lightheaded and was shaking hard enough to cause the whole bed to move. Time passed like dripping honey, he had no idea how long it took for the shaking to stop or for his breathing to settle. He was locked in a nightmare and he had no way out.

It took a long time for Lelouch to pull himself together enough to be able to leave the bed and find the light switch. Only once he’d turned on every light in the flat did he relax slightly. He took his contacts out reluctantly but his eyes hurt from crying and he didn’t want to damage them. Not that he was sure he even could anymore. He laughed bitterly, the sound filling the space and echoing in a way that was vaguely disconcerting. He hadn’t bothered to furnish the flat with anything more than the basics, it was supposed to have been C.C’s and he’d wanted her to be able to fill it with whatever she wanted. He hadn’t seen C.C since she’d dug him out and left him in the apartment with the advice to leave Pendragon as soon as he could. He hadn’t expected her to stay forever but it would have been nice for her to stick around for a few days. Having said that, she didn’t owe him anything and he couldn’t blame her for not wanting to effectively babysit a dead man. He walked into the kitchen and poured himself another cup of coffee. He didn’t eat; he didn’t remember the last time he actually ate something, but it didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t like it could kill him.

Somewhere across the city, completely unaware of Lelouch’s plight, Suzaku distracted himself by looking for the bottle of vodka Lelouch had hidden, and two hours later he was laying back on the sofa with an empty glass in his hand, eyes closed, all the problems of the day so wrapped up in cotton wool in his head that they no longer weighed him down. Arbitrarily, he wondered how Lelouch would feel if he never saw him again. He could run away to Australia, like he said he would, and live a new life. Suzaku was tying him down, making him miserable all over again. The world was better off without him. Too bad it was stuck with him. After a few more hours of doing fuck all, a fuzzy-headed Suzaku gave up on the day. He cracked open the bottle of sleeping aids he kept in his bedside drawer and counted them out. Something in the back of his head protested, making him feel restless and filling him with the compulsion to throw the whole bottle away. He ignored it to the best of his ability, but somewhere around the fourth pill his willpower was forced back and replaced by something else. Eyes glinting with a vague red glow, he made his way to bed and collapsed just in time for the pills to take effect, finally free of the guilt and sadness weighing like a rock in his chest. Being unconscious was a lot easier than dealing with one’s issues - a fact Suzaku knew all too well.


	3. Truth Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third instalment of what is now definitely shaping up to be an epic. In which Lelouch and Suzaku have a long conversation because sometimes the easiest way to talk to people is when you can't see them.

When Suzaku woke up, he had a raging hangover and felt, if possible, even worse. Once again, he’d been robbed of the easy way out if the solid hole in his memory had anything to say about it. Despite himself, he found himself finding his phone and checking his messages- just in case Lelouch had decided he didn’t want Suzaku out of his life completely. But why wouldn’t he?

Lelouch had sent Suzaku a message earlier when he was in the cab, it hadn’t been anything special, just letting him know his number and saying ‘Hi’. Suzaku still had not responded and Lelouch didn’t know what to think. He set about unpacking his bags, he’d cancelled his flight. He was staying. Once everything was away again (which didn’t take long, he didn’t have much anymore) he was lost. He couldn’t go out and he didn’t want to sleep as it was still mid-afternoon and that was sure to ruin the rest of his day. He sat down on the sofa with his 11th coffee of the day, adding a caffeine pill to it for good measure, and put the TV on, all the while checking his phone to see if Suzaku had replied.

Suzaku stared at the screen for a while, wondering if it was worth responding. It was from yesterday, and Lelouch hadn’t bothered with a follow up text. Nah, he’d probably already made plans to leave, and Suzaku wasn’t going to drag him down. He sighed, and closed the messaging app, switching to his calendar to see when he was next needed by the Empress.

Lelouch eventually gave up waiting for Suzaku to respond. He had to have realised he’d made a mistake and never wanted to see him again. Which was fine, Suzaku was his own person and Lelouch had no say in that. He waited until It was dark enough for him to leave the flat before shrugging on a black hoodie, not something he’d ever owned before ‘dying’ but it worked for anonymity. The thoughts spinning around his head were painful and he needed to get out before they drove him crazy. It didn’t help that since his death- the first one- his head seemed to have been occupied by more thoughts than just his own. His head felt sore and crowded and overtaxed, and he needed to get out.

The walk to the cemetery took him a while, after his previous taxi experience he wasn’t keen to get another one any time soon. Keeping well clear of his own grave he walked to Suzaku’s. Arthur was there again and Lelouch took great comfort in stroking him. Since Suzaku’s ‘death’, the cat had been strangely amenable. Lelouch traced the engraving on the stone, wishing for all the world that he could go back to a time where none of this had happened.

The next day went by similarly to the last for Suzaku. Before he got blackout drunk though, he picked up his phone again and texted Lelouch.

> _S: Have fun in Australia, I hope you’ll watch me on TV sometimes._

He didn’t know why he said that. Maybe he thought that his life would have a little more meaning if he knew someone out there would see him behind the mask.

Lelouch spent most of his time playing in online chess tournaments, desperately trying to keep his mind busy - he’d lost enough time through zoning out and that scared him. He had his phone next to him the whole time, just waiting. After several hours of his message being left on read he was convinced Suzaku wasn’t going to contact him. When the phone went off he wasn’t ready. He read Suzaku’s message several times before trying to formulate a reply. He hadn’t realised Suzaku thought so little of him. His final text was simple and to the point.

> _L:_ _I’m not going._
> 
> _S: Why not?_

Suzaku’s response was immediate and Lelouch was surprised at the speed of the reply,

> _L: There’s more for me here._
> 
> _S: There is? You can’t even go outside_
> 
> _L: I’m so pale that even if I went to Australia I couldn’t go outside. I’d look like a lobster in 5 minutes!_

Suzaku laughed at his phone, the stupid joke lifting his mood just a little.

> _S: I guess that’s true_
> 
> _L: What are you doing at the moment?_
> 
> _S: Just chilling_

Suzaku told him, omitting the drinking part and hoping he came across as relatively sober over text.

> _L: Sounds nice._

Lelouch wasn’t sure where to go with this conversation. Talking to Suzaku had always been easy and now it was almost impossible.

> _S: Kinda bored_
> 
> _S: wbu?_
> 
> _L: Winning money off strangers online who are stupid enough to play me at chess._

Suzaku gave his phone an unimpressed look.

> _S: You’re gambling again?_
> 
> _L: Eh it’s something to do._
> 
> _S: One of these days someone’s gonna beat you_

Lelouch snorted as the person he was playing made a particularly stupid mistake.

> _L: I’ll believe it when I see it._
> 
> _S: I don’t blame you tho you’re stupid smart_

Lelouch frowned at his phone, Suzaku’s typing was not looking good.

> _L: Are you drunk?_
> 
> _S: No_

Suzaku lied and glared at the glass in his hand like it had personally offended him before taking another drink. Lelouch didn’t believe him in the slightest but was just happy that Suzaku was talking to him. 

> _L: Whatever._
> 
> _S: Shut up you’re gambling_

He rolled his eyes at the comeback.

> _L: Very smooth Suzaku, nice one._
> 
> _S: It’s true_
> 
> _L: It’s also not the point._
> 
> _S: I’m not drunk_

Now Lelouch was concerned.

> _L: You realise only drunk people say that right._
> 
> _S: If I was sober then what would I say_

Suzaku sent that, then read it back and mentally slapped himself.

> _S: I mean if that’s what a drunk person would say then what should I say to make you believe me that I’m sober_
> 
> _L: A drunk person would say exactly what you just said, ergo you are drunk._
> 
> _S: So what if I am_
> 
> _L: I’m worried about you._
> 
> _S: Don’t be_
> 
> _L: That doesn’t help._
> 
> _S: Don’t worry about me please it’s not worth it_
> 
> _L: For me, it’ll always be worth it._
> 
> _S: It’s not because you’ll get all worked up for no reason and then it’ll be my fault that you’re sad_
> 
> _S: Again_
> 
> _L: I promise I won’t, I just don’t like seeing you in pain. I want to help._
> 
> _S: I’m not in pain_

_That’s what the alcohol is for,_ he thought but didn’t say.

> _L: Pain isn’t always physical._

Lelouch eyed the mostly empty packet of painkillers he’d left on the side. He didn’t remember taking any of them. Suzaku tapped on the screen with a fingernail, thinking.

> _S: I can’t do anything about it_
> 
> _L: You can talk about it. Sometimes it helps to have someone who understands._
> 
> _S: I can’t_

Lelouch gave up playing chess completely and focused on messaging Suzaku.

> _L: Why not?_
> 
> _S: Because you won’t understand you’ll just get upset_
> 
> _L: I’m not even there, how can I get upset?_

He knew his logic was hopelessly flawed but he hoped Suzaku was still drunk enough to fall for it.

> _S: You can still get upset there_

Lelouch swore, Suzaku had seen right through his pathetic ruse. 

> _L: And if I promise I won’t?_
> 
> _S: You’ll try to fix me and it’ll make it worse_

This wasn’t getting him anywhere.

> _L: I’ll just listen. You have my word. I swear on Nunnally._

Suzaku was quiet for a while and then started typing.

> _S: I don’t remember much of last night_
> 
> _L: Me neither._
> 
> _S: I don’t think it was all the alcohol_

Lelouch was morbidly curious, he remembered very little of last night but that was partially because he’d gone to the cemetery and despite all his best efforts he’d had to walk past his own grave to avoid other people. The resulting panic attacks and nightmares had lost him hours.

> _L: How so?_

Suzaku didn’t want to say it directly. He knew Lelouch wouldn’t like it.

> _S: You know how it makes people forget_

He sucked in a breath, Suzaku was talking about his Geass. He’d clearly done something bad enough to activate it.

> _L: Yes._
> 
> _S: Yeah that happened again_
> 
> _L: Were you safe?_

It was wishful thinking that Suzaku had been safe - especially if the Geass had activated – but Lelouch couldn’t stop himself from asking anyway.

> _S: I stayed in all evening_
> 
> _L: Good._

It wasn’t the same thing as being safe but Lelouch would take it. He chanced probing, wanting to see what more Suzaku would say.

> _L: I’m not going anywhere._
> 
> _S: Neither am I apparently_

Lelouch panicked but tried to stay calm for Suzaku, at least on the surface - he had promised after all.

> _L: What do you mean by that?_

Suzaku didn’t know what else to say. What was appropriate? He couldn’t say much more without admitting what had happened. After several minutes and thinking that made his drink-addled mind hurt, he typed out,

> _S: I’m tying you down and you deserve to go away and have a new life but for some reason you think it’s a good idea to stay here now you found me and it’s a terrible idea but I can’t change your mind as long as I’m here you’ll stay here and be trapped and miserable_

Lelouch stopped breathing when he read that. He could feel himself panicking, and desperately tried to take deep breaths. He couldn’t fall apart, not now, not when Suzaku was finally talking to him.

> _L: Will you believe me if I say I stayed because I wanted to? I’m not going to deny that part of me is very selfish and doesn’t want to leave you. I’m not trapped Suzaku, I could still leave but I don’t want to because I care about you._
> 
> _S: Exactly_

Suzaku sighed and took another sip of his drink. Lelouch was only proving his point. Meanwhile, Lelouch tried to calm himself down, ignoring the way his hands were shaking.

> _L: I will leave if you tell me to. If that will help._

Typing that physically hurt but he’d do almost anything for Suzaku.

> _S: I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to go and I don’t want to keep you here and I don’t want to be here_
> 
> _L: What_ do _you want?_

He was terrified of the answer, but he felt like he needed to see it. Suzaku drained his glass and curled onto his side, staring at the question on the screen. Lelouch knew the answer already. He had to.

> _S: I want a way out_

Lelouch let out a choked sob. He’d hoped, but deep down he’d always known how much Suzaku wanted to die.

> _L: Explain._
> 
> _S: You don’t want me to_
> 
> _L: Please._
> 
> _S: Last night I blacked out after getting out my sleeping pills_
> 
> _L: Go on._

Lelouch had got himself under control but he knew the second he stopped talking to Suzaku he would be panicking again. Tears of frustration escaped him, why couldn’t he stop this?!

> _S: I hurt badly after you left. Drinking made it easier to deal with and easier to make hard decisions. It’s not the first time_

That just worried Lelouch even more. He didn’t want to hurt Suzaku. Maybe he’d made the wrong decision and should have gone to Australia after all. He shook himself hard, that would have completely defeated the point.

> _L: What hard decisions?_
> 
> _S: Actually doing something instead of just finding a way to do it indirectly_

Fear rose like a wave in Lelouch’s mind.

> _L: What do you mean?_

Once again, Suzaku had to stop and think. A little voice in his head was telling him that what he was about to type out was too much, but he sent it anyway.

> _S: I’m a coward. I was never able to actually do something. I had to wait for someone to give me an opportunity, but now I don’t have that anymore so it’s up to me and being drunk makes hard decisions easy but it doesn’t matter anyway because I can’t do anything about it I always end up exactly where I started_
> 
> _L: You can’t do anything about it?_
> 
> _S: No. because of you_
> 
> _L: The Geass?_
> 
> _S: Yeah_
> 
> _L: What do you think would help?_
> 
> _S: Getting rid of it_
> 
> _L: Apart from that._

Lelouch made a mental note to never tell Suzaku where Jeremiah was.

> _S: Sleeping_
> 
> _L: Why don’t you try that?_
> 
> _S: I do. I’m not very good at it though so I need help_
> 
> _L: Have you tried meditation?_

Lelouch had, it didn’t work for him but it was supposed to help. He’d also tried lucid dreaming which just left him aware but still trapped in the nightmare. Now he just hyped himself up on caffeine until he collapsed.

Suzaku just gave his phone an unimpressed look.

> _S: I don’t think that’ll help_
> 
> _L: It’s an idea. The sleeping pills might work better if you don’t drink first?_
> 
> _S: They work just fine_
> 
> _L: If you say so._

Lelouch was exhausted.

> _S: I just wanna sleep forever Lelou_
> 
> _L: I know the feeling._

Lelouch was taken aback by the nickname but it also made him very happy, enough to stave off the panic for a little longer. Across the city Suzaku hugged a pillow to his chest.

> _S: I’m sorry_
> 
> _L: Why? You have nothing to apologise for._
> 
> _S: I’m sorry I want to die_

Suzaku blinked several times, feeling emotional all of a sudden. Lelouch didn’t want this. None of it. He was a mess.

> S: _I’m sorry I’m not strong enough_

Lelouch finally started to cry. Seeing Suzaku like this, even via message, was painful.

> _L: Don’t apologise. I’m here to help, not make it worse._
> 
> _S: I don’t want to trap you in a place where you’re miserable_
> 
> _L: I’m here because I want to be. No other reason._
> 
> _S: You want to be here because I’m here_
> 
> _L: You and Nunnally, even if I can never see her again. I never_ wanted _to leave, I just thought it was a good idea._
> 
> _S: Really?_

Somehow it helped, knowing he wasn’t the reason, or at least the _only_ reason Lelouch was staying. Lelouch hoped he’d taken the right track. He could have watched Nunnally from Australia, it would have been the smart thing to do but he just couldn’t bear to leave her. He’d given up everything for this, he wanted to see some of it go well.

> _L: Really._
> 
> _S: Thank you_
> 
> _L: Whatever you need._

Suzaku’s next message took a while and Lelouch wondered if he’d finally passed out from the alcohol. He couldn’t imagine Suzaku would be going light if he was getting this much information.

> _S: Lelou_
> 
> _S: If I died you’d be okay wouldn’t you_

Lelouch had not been ready for that question.

> _L: Honestly?_
> 
> _L: No._

Suzaku was feeling tired, and dull, and numb. Lelouch’s response made something stir in his chest, but it was quickly dampened.

> _S: If my watch hadn’t saved my life all the way back before this started you’d be fine_
> 
> _L: That’s debatable._
> 
> _S: I don’t understand_
> 
> _L: You’ve always meant a lot to me. Always._

Lelouch knew it wasn’t fair but he wanted Suzaku to know that he cared. Enough people thought he was cold and heartless, he didn’t need his best friend thinking the same way. He supposed that Suzaku still counted as his best friend, since he didn’t really have any other contenders.

Suzaku huffed a little. He still didn’t get it, but this wasn’t going to go anywhere, and the tiredness was weighing on him.

> _S: Okay. I’m gonna go sleep now_
> 
> _L: Goodnight Suzaku._

The second Lelouch put the phone down he was hyperventilating. What Suzaku had told him... he knew it was going to be bad but _that_ bad? It was so much worse than he thought. Eventually Lelouch managed to fall asleep, more from sheer exhaustion and caffeine crash than any actual attempts to sleep. He tried to avoid it as best he could. Every morning he woke up more tired than he’d been the night before. He didn’t remember the last time he’d slept without waking up screaming.

Suzaku stared at the goodnight text for a while, and then added the empty glass to the steadily growing collection on the table and headed off to bed, swaying a little but not enough to be concerning. That night, he didn’t bother with the pills, just collapsing onto the sheets in his boxers and letting the haze of alcohol distract him enough to fall asleep. Until it took over, however, his thoughts were full of Lelouch trying to talk him down from the edge, Lelouch crying at his grave and one insistent red eye compelling him to live.

The next day, Suzaku read through the previous night’s messages with dawning horror. By the time he finished reading, he hated himself for saying it, hated the vodka for loosening his tongue and hated his phone for letting him blab like that. He quickly typed out a message to Lelouch, hoping it wasn’t too late.

> _S: I’m so sorry about last night. I was drunk and didn’t know what I should and shouldn’t talk about._

Lelouch felt awful. He’d barely managed to sleep and what sleep he had got had been fraught with nightmares. The coffin. Charles. Betrayal. Suzaku dying. Him dying. Nunnally’s death. It had been a really bad night. He read Suzaku’s text slowly, thrilled he’d texted again after last night. Lelouch was sure he would be hating himself for everything he said.

> _L: You have nothing to apologise for._
> 
> _S: I don’t need to be adding to your problems._

Suzaku left his phone on the bed as he went to clean up and get dressed, craving the burn of exercise. He’d find time to go to the gym later, and work out some of his frustrations that way. Lelouch, meanwhile, had been reading up on how to help people who are suicidal. A lot of it had been about how to keep them away from temptation and seeing therapists, neither of which would help in these circumstances. There was no way either of them could ever see a therapist; they were far too recognisable. It’s not like Suzaku could actually kill himself. Lelouch hoped that was true, he really did. He doubted Suzaku would let him take the alcohol away from him, so he was left with very few options. He needed to give Suzaku something to live for, but what? Suzaku had already said he felt like a burden on Lelouch and he didn’t want to make him feel more that way.

> _L: You’re not._
> 
> _S: Don’t lie to me._

He sent that, then added a moment later,

> _S: I care about you too, you know._
> 
> _L: I’ve already told you I wouldn’t lie to you again._

His heart was pounding in a completely different way than he’d ever felt before. He was... happy. Suzaku _cared_! On the other side, Suzaku frowned at his phone. He wasn’t going to get anything from Lelouch this way, was he? And now that he’d drunkenly come clean about what was going on in his head, Lelouch was going to be treading on eggshells around him, trying not to set off something that was already a permanent fixture in his brain. Fuck, why had he said that?

Lelouch waited for the reply. He prayed to anything that might be listening that Suzaku wouldn’t run away. Suzaku was brave in a way Lelouch had never been. He wouldn’t call himself a coward exactly, but he did not have the ability to pull himself together and shut down his emotions the way Suzaku did. While he could do that for a while and be the person everyone expected him to be he knew the minute the eyes were off him that he would break down. He’d never seen Suzaku that way but maybe, just maybe, he’d been wrong. Several minutes later, he got another message. Evidently, Suzaku had come to the conclusion that just being open would lead to the best results.

> _S: About what I said last night. Please don’t treat me differently because of it. It’s my own issue to deal with and it’s not going anywhere anyway, so just keep doing what you’ve been doing, okay?_

Lelouch felt strangely relieved. Despite all the stuff he’d read (he’d read a _lot_ ) he didn’t feel like he could do it. He wasn’t a psychologist and he cared too much to be detached. It was nice to think he didn’t have to change too much. He knew he’d want the same thing if Suzaku ever saw him freak out, something he’d try very hard to avoid.

> _L: Idiot, you are still Suzaku, of course I’ll treat you the way I always have. But I’d like to help you if I can so please don’t push me away._
> 
> _S: Okay._
> 
> _S: Will I see you again soon?_

This. This was why he’d stayed.

> _L: If you want to. I’m not going anywhere or doing anything ever._
> 
> _S: Me neither. Being alone is boring._
> 
> _L: Tell me about it. Far too much time for thinking._
> 
> _S: My door’s always open if you want to stop by._
> 
> _L: When are you not busy being Zero?_

It was so strange, he wasn’t Zero anymore but he still felt like he was. He’d never given much thought to how being replaced would feel, but then again he never expected to be around for it.

> _S: This afternoon. I was gonna go work out for a bit but I could message you when I’m done._

Lelouch looked at his game list for the day, he was playing for $20k at 3pm but was free the rest of the afternoon.

> _L: I’m free after 4._

He didn’t expect the game to take long.

> _S: See you then_
> 
> _L: See you._

He was thrilled he didn’t have to stay alone all day again.


	4. Cleaning out the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one folks of something that is definitely going to be an epic... lots of fluff and conversation and general cuteness going on here but this is also where we start to dive in to the more heavier material. All the usual warnings apply - check taglist if you need reminding. In this fic all mental/physical illnesses or injuries are to the best of our knowledge realistic and have either been researched thoroughly or taken from personal experience. Having said that neither of us are psychologists or doctors so if we are wrong well... welp sorry. We hope you enjoy it!!

Suzaku got himself something to eat and then headed to the gym. He pushed himself hard, making every muscle in his body strained and sore over the course of two and a half hours. He finally headed home, sweaty and feeling calmer now that he’d had a chance to work some of it out. After a quick shower, he did a brisk sweep of the apartment, putting away empty glasses and bottles, hiding his pills and anything Lelouch could use to incriminate him for self harm before messaging him. 

> _S: I’m back, you can come over whenever_
> 
> _L: Give me a minute, this guy is not awful. 10 mins tops before I’m done._

It was only 3:05pm but Lelouch was already winning. He’d expected that his opponent might put up a challenge if he was prepared to pay $20k. 

> _S: Ok have fun_

Suzaku sent the message, and then mentally slapped himself. He shouldn’t be encouraging Lelouch’s behaviour. It wasn’t even 10 minutes before Lelouch texted him back.

> _L: I won. Anything you want to spend $20k on?_

Suzaku stared at the text.

> _S: You’re ridiculous._
> 
> _L: You forgot to mention rich._
> 
> _S: At least you don’t have to worry about bills_
> 
> _L: This is true. I’ll be there in about half an hour._
> 
> _S: See you_

Lelouch found Suzaku’s house mostly from memory. It was not that far from where he lived. He was even more tired after walking there than he had been before and that was saying something. He’d put some effort into not looking like he’d been run over though, and thought he looked okay.

When he heard the knock, Suzaku answered the door with a little smile. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” Lelouch fought the sudden urge to hug him. He wasn’t a touchy-feely person at all which was why he’d been surprised that he was an affectionate drunk. His disdain at the idea of being touched apparently didn’t extend to Suzaku however, something he was both pleased and concerned about.

“I take it your game went well then.”

He walked in and took off his shoes, “Don’t they all?”

Suzaku chuckled softly, “I guess that’s the reason you do it, huh?”

Lelouch looked at him, “What’s the point in playing if you are not going to win?”

“For fun?” Suzaku suggested, closing the door and joining him.

“How is it fun if you don’t win?”

“Not everyone is as competitive as you, Lelou.” Suzaku pointed out.

He shrugged, “Eh, their loss.”

Suzaku chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Of course. Just please tell me you have hobbies besides gambling.”

Lelouch paused on his way to the sofa, “You know, I’m not sure I do anymore.”

“Really? Even I still exercise.”

He looked blankly at Suzaku, “I’ve never exercised. You know that.”

“Yeah, but that’s kind of my thing. You have a thing, don’t you? That’s not gambling or leading a revolution?”

“I... I don’t think so...” He paused, “Sometimes I make clothes?”

“Tailoring?” Suzaku asked, “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, if you made the Zero outfit.”

“I made both of them, yours and mine. The other ones were mass produced on short notice by a thoroughly Geassed company.” He was proud of the Zero outfits, he knew they looked good.

“You Geassed a factory full of people?”

“...Yes.” Lelouch realised probably too late that Suzaku would not approve of this.

“...To make a million copies of your outfit?”

He cringed. When Suzaku said it like that it sounded so stupid. “Yes?”

“You’re insane.”

Lelouch laughed despite himself, “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Well, you’re not the only one.” Suzaku smiled softly.

Lelouch smiled back before mentally shaking himself. He couldn’t get his hopes up; Suzaku had said he cared but that was it. It was enough, it had to be. He didn’t deserve anything more.

“You know, it’s been a while since I saw you smile properly. You should do it more often. It’s nice.” Suzaku commented offhandedly.

 _Is he determined to take my heart and stamp on it?_ Lelouch thought, looking away. “I don’t really have a reason to anymore.” Horrified at his answer he rushed to speak, “How was exercise?”

Suzaku chuckled cynically. “I know the feeling. Exercise was good. It’s probably the best way I have of getting out and dealing with my cabin fever.”

Lelouch groaned at that. “It’s so frustrating, never being able to leave the house during the day.”

“You could probably go out as long as you kept to relatively solitary places and didn’t wear anything that gave you away.”

“Where do you go?”

“Sometimes I just go for a run in the local park, sometimes just grocery shopping helps. As long as it’s just out of the apartment.”

Lelouch hummed in agreement, staying in one place for too long really would drive you mad. It was part of the reason why he was ready to go to Australia before he found Suzaku again. “Maybe I’ll try that.”

“You can come with me, though we need to be especially careful if we’re going out together. Apart, it’s easy to be mistaken for someone else. Being together will make that a little harder.”

Lelouch smiled again, “I’d like that.”

“Alright. We’ll go take a walk in the park sometime.”

He laughed, “You’re on.”

Suzaku’s smile came back at the laugh. “I look forward to it.”

“So...” he settled back on the sofa, “Now I’m here, what do you want to do with me?” The second he said it he panicked subtly. Why the fuck did he say that!!

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. “You say that like I had an agenda. You’re bored, I’m bored, and we both agreed being together is better than being alone.”

“Okay then. Let’s be bored together.”

Suzaku laughed. “Yeah. Okay.” Then he sobered up a bit. “Really, though. I’m sorry about yesterday. You didn’t need any of that and it’s not fair for me to dump it on you.”

Lelouch shrugged, “Don’t worry about it. Isn’t that what friends are for?”

“Yeah. I guess so.” Suzaku picked at his jeans. “There’s not much you can do though.”

“Sometimes just being there is enough.”

“Sometimes.”

Lelouch hesitated, “If you ever want me to stop or if I go to far, please tell me before I lose you.”

“You say that like it’s possible.”

He looked up, surprised, “It’s not?”

“You’re not going to lose me, Lelou.” Suzaku wasn't sure he could ever forgive Lelouch for everything he’d done as Zero, let alone for what he’d done to Euphy, but he didn’t want to be alone forever.

Lelouch let out a breath he don’t know he’d been holding. “Thank you.”

Suzaku nodded. “And hey... are you doing okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’ve done a lot of talking about my problems and not much talking about yours.”

“I’m fine.” He gave what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, but it came out looking more like a grimace. “Don’t worry about me.”

“That was not the look of someone who’s fine.” He pointed out. “I won’t make you talk about it, but if you’re going to insist upon supporting me I’m gonna do the same for you.”

Lelouch felt distinctly uncomfortable. He was dealing with it in his own way just fine.

Oh, who was he kidding. He was decidedly not fine.

“Thank you.”

“That’s what friends are for.” Suzaku quoted back at him with a smile, nudging his shoulder lightly.

Lelouch laughed and nudged back. It was nice joking with Suzaku again. When they were together they could just be two clueless teenagers; they didn’t have any roles to play or epic destinies to fulfil. They were just Lelouch and Suzaku, and he decided he really liked that.

“Lelou...” Suzaku sighed, leaning against him. “Do you remember when we were kids? After the invasion, when we were made refugees and you looked me in the eye and told me you’d destroy Britannia? Did you ever imagine it ending up like this?”

“Honestly, I never thought I’d be able to do anything about it. I was resigned to trying to take as much money off wealthy Britannians as I could. It was just a series of increasingly unfortunate events that lead to me obtaining the ability to change something.”

“You mean Geass?”

“Yeah, Geass. How did you think it was going to turn out?”

“At what point? Until I found out you were Zero, I thought you were going to make a living out of duping nobility, and I was going to die fighting for peace as a soldier. After I found out you were Zero and I got knighted, I thought I might actually stand a chance at doing something. I thought... no, that’s not right... I hoped you were going to live as a normal student, and I was going to become the Knight of One, take Area 11 and change things for the better that way. The lowest point was when I found out you’d recovered your memories... then I knew if peace was ever going to happen, you were going to have to die. And regardless of who won, I was going to keep on existing.”

Lelouch was overwhelmed, “You really thought it through... I thought you couldn’t do it. I was convinced Britannia would never let you get anywhere and then you did. You defied all my expectations.” His laugh was bitter this time,  “Before this whole mess I never thought I’d ever get anywhere. I didn’t care enough to try, I wasn’t going anywhere in life. Lelouch Lamperouge never actually existed, there was nothing official about me. It was going to be a dull life and I was not looking forward to it. Geass gave me life. I didn’t want to die… but I was prepared to because I couldn’t go back to that... non-life.”

“You’ve always had big plans...” Suzaku mused. “You were never going to live a quiet life, were you?”

Lelouch laughed bitterly, “I never wanted the quiet life in the first place, but I’d have lived it for Nunnally. I meant what I said when we were younger, I really did want to destroy Britannia. But unlike you I never did anything about it.”

“My goal was never to destroy Britannia. It was to end the suffering of the people. Elevens, like me.”

Lelouch looked away, “I never had your ideals.”

“I know.” Suzaku told him in a quiet voice, the memory of Euphy fresh in his mind. “I know that all too well.”

“I’m not going to apologise for it if that’s what you’re looking for.”

Suzaku shook his head with a cynical little smile. “I stopped looking for an apology a long time ago.”

“What do you want from me, Suzaku?”

Suzaku contemplated that question. He didn’t know the answer, really. “Companionship?”

“I can do that.” Honestly it was more than he deserved.

“What about me? What do you want from me, Lelou?”

“I just want you to be happy. Whatever it takes.”

Suzaku paused, “That’s a long term project.”

Lelouch looked at him, “I know. I’m here as long as you’ll have me.”

“I still don’t understand why, but... thank you.”

Lelouch couldn’t tell him; he’d ruin everything. He’d always wanted to make sure Suzaku was okay and now he literally had nothing else to do, no other people. He literally just had Suzaku. He couldn’t tell him though, he wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t think himself worthy. He lightly bumped Suzaku, “Never a problem.”

Despite himself, Suzaku smiled down at his hands where they were and drew his knees up. “Just the two of us against the world, just like old times, right?”

Lelouch sighed happily and relaxed into the sofa, “Just like old times.”

Suzaku closed his eyes and leaned against Lelouch’s shoulder. Lelouch held perfectly still, he didn’t want to do anything that might cause Suzaku to move.

“I’m sorry that I’m not very good company.” Suzaku said after a while.

“I like this actually. There’s no pretending for once. It’s refreshing and like you said, we’re not alone.”

“You do?” Suzaku opened his eyes and looked up at him.

“Yeah, it’s nice.” He shut up before he could give any more away. If this was the one time he got to hold Suzaku he’d take it.

“I like it too.” Suzaku settled back down. “Being close like this... it’s nice.”

Eventually, Lelouch relaxed and put an arm around Suzaku, the other hand starting to play with his hair. He didn’t know how much he could get away with but Suzaku looked almost asleep.

Suzaku wasn’t actually asleep, but the hand in his hair felt really nice, so he wasn’t about to stop him. In the end, Lelouch fell asleep before Suzaku did, enjoying the warmth of the other boy. It was so long since he napped, if he’d been in a more rational state of mind he probably would never have chanced it. His brain was however currently on hiatus, entirely focused on Suzaku.

Suzaku heard when Lelouch’s breathing changed, when he stopped stroking Suzaku’s hair. Taking a chance, he lay his hand over Lelouch’s, craving a warm touch. He was pleasantly surprised when, even asleep, Lelouch curled into Suzaku, gripping his hand. Suzaku let him, feeling a little warm in his chest at the unconscious show of affection.

Lelouch didn’t sleep for long, he never did. He managed to wake up before the nightmare got really bad though, which meant that he didn’t disturb Suzaku.

“You alright?” Suzaku asked when Lelouch woke with a small start.

Lelouch was momentarily disoriented, “Yeah... I’m fine...”

“You fell asleep on me.” Suzaku commented, sitting up so he could look at him. Lelouch flushed and turned away.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay.”

Lelouch turned back to Suzaku, playfully suspicious, “Who are you and what have you done with Suzaku?”

Suzaku blinked, “What?”

“Suzaku is never normally this understanding. He’d normally have hit me by now.” He teased.  

Suzaku gave him a look. “No offence, Lelou, but you look like you need it.”

He pretended to be oblivious, “What? Understanding?”

“I mean, yes, but I meant sleep.”

“I’ll sleep later, I promise.”

“Hey, you just took a nap.”

“What? Oh... yeah.” He was falling apart.

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. “Have you woken up yet?”

“Um... no?”

Suzaku laughed. “Alright then. I’ll give you a moment.”

Lelouch shook himself hard. Now was not the time to flake out. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay.”

“How long was I out?”

“About twenty minutes or so.”

“Ah. Okay... not too bad then.” He paused, “Did I say anything weird?”

“No... You talk in your sleep?”

“You can never be too careful.”

“Mm... Alright.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon watching terrible TV and chatting about Ashford, it was surprisingly... normal. Normal was good. Normal was great. Suzaku felt more relaxed than he had in ages. It was quite late before either of them moved from the sofa. Suzaku’s stomach had started to protest the lack of food, and it got to the point where neither of them could ignore it. He groaned, putting a hand to it.

“I think it might be time for food.”

Lelouch agreed. Even though he didn’t want to eat he wasn’t stupid, and knew he had to have something. It didn’t have to be big. They made their way through to the kitchen, and he started to look for something to eat… Only to come up short. “Um, Suzaku... Where is your food?”

“Oh, am I out again?” Suzaku followed him through, running fingers through messy hair and scavenging through the cupboards. “I’m sure there’s one more pasta bake in here somewhere...”

Lelouch helped him look, at one point he stumbled over the recycling which was absolutely full of takeout boxes, alcohol bottles and cans - both for beer and food. He was appalled. Surely someone of Suzaku’s fitness and employment would know that you couldn’t survive on junk food alone. Eventually, Suzaku found a jar of pasta sauce and retrieved the huge bag of pasta he had that made up the bulk of his not-ordered-in meals. “Hey, that’s another thing we can do to get out of the house. Grocery shopping.” He commented as he measured out the pasta and boiled enough water.

Lelouch laughed, “Let’s do it. Provided it’s not too far to walk. Also why do you have such a large bag of pasta?”

“I eat a lot and it’s a good, easy source of energy.”

“I’ll give you that.” He started to pull pans out of cupboards to cook it.

Suzaku got out plates and cutlery for the both of them, and added the water to the pasta, letting it boil. “Hey, it’s better than pizza.”

Lelouch scoffed but started heating the sauce anyway, “Not by much.”

Suzaku shrugged. “It’s something.” They sat down to eat about ten minutes later. Suzaku’s portion was noticeably a lot larger than Lelouch’s. “You really don’t have much of an appetite, do you?” Suzaku wondered aloud. “No wonder you’re so skinny.”

“Eh, I’m not like you. I don’t do any exercise.” He shrugged it off, hoping Suzaku wouldn’t pry.  

“True.” Suzaku ate quickly, his stomach still complaining at him. “We should get in some more food though. I don’t want you skipping out on meals just because I’m crap at keeping the cupboards stocked.”

“More like you shouldn’t skip out on meals. You have a job to perform! I can always eat at home.” He’d eaten most of his pasta and regretted it, feeling uncomfortably full.

“I don’t skip out on meals! I just... don’t put a lot of effort into them.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

Suzaku rolled his eyes, quiet until he had finished his plate. They cleared up quickly, but Lelouch was horrified when he saw the state of Suzaku’s sink and demanded they clean the whole kitchen that instant. A few moments of scrounging for cleaning stuff yielded nothing.

“So, Suzaku... What do you use to clean?”

“Uh...” Suzaku disappeared off to the bathroom and recovered a few bottles from under the sink. “Surface disinfectant, sink cleaner, sponge.” He listed as he set them down on the table. “There’s also bleach and carpet cleaner but we don’t need those.” Lelouch looked at the array of cleaning products sitting on the table and sighed. There wasn’t a lot there, but they could make do. “So, um... what needs cleaning?”

“ _What_ needs _cleaning_ ?! Look around you, Suzaku. Everything. _Everything_ needs cleaning!”

Suzaku glanced around, looking vaguely disgruntled. “I wipe the surfaces down after use.”

“Well, that is clearly no longer working. That sink is disgusting. You cannot wash up in that!” He gestured to the offending sink, piled high with unwashed plates, bits of dried food stuck to the sides.

“Alright, so I need to do the dishes. I’ll give you that.”

Lelouch stared at him blankly, “When was the last time you did the dishes?”

“I don’t know. Three days ago? Four?”

“Four days?! That is _vile_.”

Suzaku gave him a look. “I’ve had other things on my mind.”

He shook his head, conceding the point, “Well, you’re doing it now.”

Suzaku sighed and moved the dishes onto the side, filling the sink with water and washing up liquid and getting started on the chore. They worked in silence for a while, cleaning the kitchen until it was spotless. When they were finally done, Lelouch took a step back.

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it?”

“No.” Suzaku admitted, though the smell of chemicals made him want to sneeze.

“Good.” Lelouch checked the time and winced. “I should probably head back.”

Suzaku couldn’t help the pang of disappointment. “Okay. Next time I’ll see if I can find something more interesting to do than cleaning.”

He smiled at Suzaku, fighting the urge to kiss him, “I’d like that.”

Suzaku returned the smile, soft and a little solemn, as his smiles tended to be these days. “Yeah? When will that be?”

Lelouch shrugged, “I’m free forever. Whenever you’re available, I guess.”

Suzaku frowned. “Day after tomorrow? I have Zero duties tomorrow.”

“Sounds great!” Lelouch walked towards the door, collecting his stuff as he went. “You can come to mine if you want. It’s not much, but it’s a change of scene.”

Suzaku nodded, following him through. “Yeah. I’ll do that.”

Lelouch left quickly after that. He was tired and wanted to monopolise on that while he could. If he managed to sleep for even an hour it would be a victory. Suzaku watched him go with mild reluctance, and eventually went back to the book he had been reading, already missing Lelouch’s presence. In the end, Lelouch only managed to sleep for a grand total of 5 hours in two days. He lost track of a period of about 6 hours at some point during the second day but he was pretty sure he hadn’t been asleep if the strange number of drawings hidden around the apartment were anything to go by. It was a new development, and one that concerned him, but he figured that if worst should come to worst he could always try a hard reset. What did he really have to lose?

Meanwhile, Suzaku had donned the mask again, playing bodyguard to Nunnally as she met with some foreign dignitaries, who seemed more than a little unsettled by the silent knight’s presence. He didn’t really have to do anything, considering that they seemed amicable, and he was itching for something to get the blood pumping. A fight, or an attack, or _something_. He knew it was a horrible thing for him to hope for, but he couldn’t help it. This felt... stagnant. He went to the gym that evening and ran until his muscles burned, collapsing into bed with a drink and a couple of pills almost as soon as he got home. He’d be seeing Lelouch again tomorrow, so the sooner he passed out and slept through the night, the better.

Lelouch woke up at 3am, having gone to sleep at 11pm. He felt incredibly proud of himself; that was the longest he’d been able to sleep for weeks. He hadn’t dreamed either, which was another unexpected bonus. It was the day he was playing host to Suzaku which simultaneously thrilled and terrified him, so he worked out his anxiety by frantically tidying the flat. His dishwasher was completely full of mugs, he hadn’t eaten anything the day before and he was practically bouncing off the walls. The caffeine flowing through his veins made him incredibly restless, practically vibrating out of his skin. He temporarily cut himself off (something that only lasted half an hour) and ate a slice of toast to try and offset the effects. He didn’t want Suzaku to think he was insane.

Suzaku woke up with a mild hangover at about 7am, and showered briefly before texting Lelouch. 

> _S: Hey, what time should I head over? Also what’s your address?_

Lelouch’s hands were shaking so much he could barely hold the phone, let alone type a coherent message. At some point he’d taken painkillers to try and eliminate the headache that threatened to split his skull open and the growling in his stomach, he had no idea when or how many.

> _L: hookww about a culplee of hurs?!’_

Suzaku stared at the message, bewildered. Had Lelouch turned off autocorrect? And gotten wasted?

> _S: Lelou what’s going on you never text like that are you drunk_
> 
> _L: Noo. I’m ffinnnre_

Suzaku was unimpressed, and pressed the call button, waiting as it rung. Lelouch tried to focus on the phone, his body was not cooperating. Maybe more coffee was the answer? Eventually he managed to answer the call.

“Lelou, what’s going on?”

“Hi Suzaku!” He thought he sounded normal.

“Are you high?” Suzaku asked, incredulous.

Lelouch paused. Thinking was hard. “I don’t think so?”

Suzaku swore. “I’m coming over. What’s your address?”

Lelouch rattled off his address quickly, looking forward to seeing Suzaku. Part of him knew that this was a terrible idea; he was not in any shape to see anyone, let alone someone he was trying to convince that he was capable of helping them.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes. See you.” Suzaku hung up and got dressed, not bothering with breakfast as he headed out. Lelouch’s kitchen was probably better stocked than his, anyway. Meanwhile, Lelouch flitted across his apartment trying to make everything perfect. He kept finding those tiny drawings, most of them were disturbing and he shoved them in the bin. He didn’t know what the hell he’d done yesterday but it was weird.  Twenty minutes later, Suzaku was on his doorstep, having run over. He rapped on the door, more than a little concerned. Lelouch froze at the sound. He dashed across the apartment trying not to trip over the coffee table and looked through the peephole in the door briefly before flinging it open.

“Suzaku!”

Suzaku’s eyes flicked over him, taking in his state of being. His hair was a mess, his hands shaking and there was a manic look in his eye that unnerved Suzaku to no end. “You look...” He was at a loss for words. “Like anxiety on steroids.”

Lelouch was confused for a moment before deciding he didn’t care, “Thank you?”

“That’s not a good thing.” Suzaku stepped into his apartment and closed the door, pulling Lelouch close so he could examine him, checking his eyes for any sign that he was high. “You’re shaking like a leaf. Tell me what you took.”

Lelouch was still confused, “Aspirin? And coffee?”

“A damn lot of it, apparently.” Suzaku murmured, taking his hand and pulling him over to a chair. “Sit.” Lelouch sat slowly, practically vibrating on the chair. Suzaku considered him with more than a little concern, not entirely sure what to do with him. “Were you trying to overdose?”

He paused, “I don’t think so?”

“But... you did take far too much.”

“I can’t remember.”

“Yep, that’s an overdose.” Suzaku crossed his arms. “Lelouch, what am I going to do with you?”

Lelouch shrugged, “Whatever you want. I’m not going anywhere and I can’t die.”

“Which is why dancing the line of unhealthiness is the worst possible thing you could be doing to yourself.” Suzaku pointed out. “And I don’t know how to fix that.”

“I don’t know either.”

Suzaku huffed, pacing up and down.  “I don’t know how you can be so preachy about me fixing myself and then go and do this. Other than keeping you from doing it again, I can’t do anything! I’m hoping it’ll wear off soon enough and you’ll be back to yourself.”

“Hey! This was an accident. You were never supposed to see this.” He pressed a hand over his mouth the second he finished. He’d gone too far this time. Suzaku stopped, and crossed his arms.

“Yep. That sounds familiar. Almost like me drunk texting you late at night about my self destructive tendencies.”

Lelouch tried to look apologetic but was starting to feel exhausted and ill again. “Yeah, that seems kinda hypocritical of me.”

“Little bit.” Suzaku took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose, and then went over to Lelouch, sitting on the arm of the chair and putting an arm around his shoulders. “Now if I know anything about how I want to be treated when I’m in a bad place, being yelled at doesn’t help at all. So I’m just going to help you through it, okay? I need you to work with me to do that.”

Lelouch loved feeling Suzaku so close and would do anything to keep him there. “Okay. I’ll try.”

“I think you need to rest for a bit. At least until all this wears off, yeah?”

Except that. “Nope, I’m not sleeping and you can’t make me.”

“I said rest, not sleep. If you can sleep with that much caffeine in your system you have a superpower.”

“That is a good point.” Lelouch tried to stay still but he was shaking again. The rush of adrenaline was wearing off.

“And maybe eat something. I haven’t had breakfast yet, so we can eat together. Do you mind if I see what I can put together?”

Lelouch grimaced at the idea of food, after all he had already eaten toast, but let Suzaku up to look for some. “Nothing big,” he called after him, “I never eat much breakfast.” He never ate much of anything but he didn’t add that particular piece of information. The longer he could keep Suzaku in the dark about his eating the better.

“Alright.” Suzaku called back, going to the kitchen to try to navigate his way around. Fuck, it looked like a model kitchen in a shop, it was so spotless. It looked unused (it practically was). Lelouch waited a few seconds before standing to follow Suzaku. He swayed slightly but moved across the room to stand in the kitchen doorway as Suzaku started with the fridge, just seeing what food he had to work with. Lelouch watched Suzaku pootle around his kitchen. He almost looked out of context in the spotless room. Suzaku was made for warmth, and lived-in spaces. _He shouldn’t be somewhere so..._ Lelouch struggled for the words, his brain uncooperative... _clinical_.

Suzaku was surprised by how little he found, but maybe Lelouch just needed to go shopping. There were some fresh vegetables and eggs in the fridge, and an omelette was light enough that Lelouch’s limited appetite should be able to manage it whilst also being a good source of protein for Suzaku, so he got out a chopping board, knife and frying pan and started to work. When Lelouch’s head stopped spinning, he crossed to the table and sat down, shoving the half empty bottle of aspirin into a draw as he went. Suzaku didn’t need to see that. Once the ingredients were prepared and the food cooked, he found a couple of plates and dished it up. Despite the lacking quality of his recent meals, Suzaku wasn’t a terrible cook.

“Here. Eating something should help to steady you.”

“Thank you.” Lelouch picked over the omelette. He wasn’t hungry, but Suzaku had made it and it looked really nice. Despite everything screaming at him not to he made a concerted effort to eat at least half of it. Suzaku ate his fairly quickly, tempted to make himself a coffee but not wanting to put that temptation in front of Lelouch.

“Once you’re feeling better, what do you want to do?”

Lelouch looked up. “You.” He spoke with a straight face, before descending into giggles.

Suzaku stared at him, blushing a bit. “Ex...cuse me?”

Lelouch looked confused. “I like you, Suzaku. I thought you knew this.” Warning bells went off in his mind, but his brain was too clouded with caffeine and pain relief to notice or stop.

Suzaku froze, and then leaned forward, looking suspicious. “You, Lelouch vi Britannia, like me, Kururugi Suzaku... in _that_ way?” He asked, hearing the incredulity in his own voice. Then again, he shouldn’t take anything Lelouch said in this state seriously. The man was not in his right mind.

“Very much.” He was beginning to realise through the fog in his mind how much he’d fucked up. Even not entirely with it he knew he couldn’t back out now.

Suzaku rested his chin on clasped hands. “I’m very impressed that you’re holding a straight face, but you can stop now.”

A look of confusion flitted across his face, “Why? I’m serious.”

“I think there’s more going on than caffeine and pain meds, isn’t there?” Suzaku asked in concern. “What are you not telling me?”

Lelouch was affronted and surprised. How did Suzaku know about the blackouts and voices or collective unconcious- whatever bullshit he called them they were annoying-? “Why won’t you believe me? I already told you what I took.”

“Because you’re dangerously close to a deliberate overdose if you took enough to send you off the rails this much.” Suzaku pointed out. “And I don’t think you’re suicidal.”

Lelouch laughed at that, he’d definitely been there, “I can’t be suicidal, I can’t die.” He paused, “Well, I can’t stay dead. I also didn’t overdose!”

“No, you didn’t. But you took way more than was necessary, and it’s messing with your head.”

Thinking was still difficult despite the effects beginning to wear off, “I suppose it is... I’d never have told you how much I like you if I was with it. It’s way too embarrassing and you’d probably freak out and hate me.”

“I wouldn’t hate you.” Suzaku said instinctively, before processing the rest of his statement. “You think about that sober?”

Lelouch was starting to think twice about being honest. This was hard. “...Maybe.”

Suzaku went quiet. He didn’t know what to think. This was cruel, why would Lelouch say that? “Whatever.” Shaking his head and frowning, he gathered up the empty plates and took them to the sink, finding a sponge and scrubbing them down with more force than was necessary. His heart felt like a rock in his chest, all the voices in his thoughts telling him every reason why Lelouch was lying, because he was worthless and selfish and hypocritical and dangerous. Besides, Lelouch always lied. His shoulders were tense, back to Lelouch as he tried not to get too wrapped up in his own thoughts.

Lelouch watched Suzaku walk away. He’d done it now. Thanks to the food, the shaking was slowing down and he was starting to think coherently again. He began to wonder if this was how he’d lost seven hours of time. As his thoughts cleared, horror began to dawn on him. He’d told Suzaku... he’d _told_ Suzaku! He’d known it was a bad idea but he’d done it anyway. He always had been selfish.

Suzaku put the cleaned and dried plates back where he’d found them and started on the pan, taking a deep breath and trying to shove back the feelings creating the pit in his stomach. He wouldn’t push it. Lelouch was bound to forget he’d made the joke, cruel as it was, because he didn’t realise how much it hurt. They could move on from this. It was the least in a long line of things to move on from.

Lelouch walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Let me help.” He wasn’t letting Suzaku get away, not this time. He was fed up with misunderstandings and assumptions.

Suzaku started at the touch, his first reaction to pull away. “No. ‘S ok. I’ve got it. You sit down, you’re still shaking.”

He was? Lelouch hadn’t noticed. He had felt Suzaku tense at his touch and he tried very hard to tell himself that it didn’t hurt. “Okay, I’ll wait in the lounge, come through when you’re done?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Suzaku agreed. That gave him a brief window to get everything nicely sealed away.

Lelouch forewent the coffee but took another couple of painkillers he found on the table; Suzaku would probably be disappointed in him for drinking it and he wanted to be as clear headed as possible for the upcoming discussion. He wasn’t going to let Suzaku leave or try and deflect this time. If, once he’d heard everything, he still wanted to go then Lelouch would let him and he would not follow. In the kitchen, Suzaku finished cleaning up, and by the time he was done the impassive mask he’d spent so much time perfecting was back in place. He went through and sat down on the sofa, leaning forward a little with his forearms on his thighs and his hands clasped. He didn’t speak. Lelouch flinched at the expression on Suzaku’s face. He remembered it far too well, nothing good ever came from that expression. Nevertheless, he owed Suzaku an explanation and he highly doubted he’d ever get another chance. “Am I coherent enough for you to believe me now?” It hurt to admit that he’d been all but insane earlier but acknowledging it was probably necessary for Suzaku to believe him.  

Suzaku considered him. The slightly manic look had left Lelouch’s eyes, though he still looked pale, dark smudges giving him a tired appearance. “Yes.”

Lelouch took a deep breath and looked Suzaku in the eye, trying hard not to react to the coldness he saw there. “I like you, Suzaku Kururugi. I really do. Despite everything. I...” he sighed, “I just thought you should know.”

Smiling hollowly, Suzaku’s gaze dropped for a second. “My being the only person you have to talk to right now doesn’t mean you have to throw everything my way. You’re not going to be stuck with me forever.”

Suzaku’s denial was starting to make Lelouch angry, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! I _like you_ , Suzaku. It has nothing to do with you being the only person I can talk to. I’ve liked you for years whether or not I was talking to you, regardless of your betrayals and you hating me. God, I hated myself for it but I could never stop liking you.” He growled in frustration, “I _want_ to be stuck with you, Suzaku. But only if you want it too.”

Suzaku raised an eyebrow, and for a moment his mask cracked. “You’re being cruel, Lelouch. You know I’m not good for you.”

Lelouch almost screamed. “I don’t care! If you want me to go, if you want me to never speak to you again or if you want to forget this ever happened that’s fine but don’t tell me I’m wrong because you’re scared!”

Suzaku flinched, taken aback. “You’re... serious?”

“YES!”

Suzaku went rigid at the yell, ready for Lelouch to lash out at him. A crease appeared in his brow as he processed the words, the tension slowly leaving him in the following silence. He thought about his own feelings towards Lelouch. They were deep and complicated, conflicting in his head. “I do care about you...” He started, not exactly sure where he was going with it. “...But do you really think it’s a good idea? Knowing our history?”

The relief that flowed through Lelouch at Suzaku’s words made him dizzy. He looked away, not quite able to believe this was happening, “Probably not. But I know I want to try. I really do.”

Suzaku glanced up at him. The cold look in his eye was gone, replaced by caution and confusion. “You... want to try... dating?”

Lelouch looked away feeling stupid, “Yeah.”

“Uh.” Suzaku chewed his lip. “Do you want to... go for coffee, sometime?”

Lelouch flushed, suddenly embarrassed. “I’d like that.” It felt strange, to discuss something as mundane as a date. He couldn't believe how well this was going, it was exceeding even his wildest imaginations. He had no plan for what happened now and that simultaneously thrilled and terrified him.

“Yeah? We should be careful about being seen in public, but it’ll be nice to go out.”

“Mm, a coffee shop should be safe... If it’s an obscure one.”

“And if we don’t dress conspicuously.”

Lelouch smiled at him, “We should be fine.”

Suzaku nodded, and after a moment of silence, moved closer to him on the sofa.

Hesitantly Lelouch leaned into Suzaku, “How long do I have you for this time?”

“As long as you want me.” Suzaku told him, putting an arm around his shoulders. Doing this felt different, now that he knew how Lelouch felt. He tried not to act awkward about it. Lelouch slowly relaxed into Suzaku, part of him worried that he was doing this for his sake and not because he wanted to.

“Are you really okay with this?”

“It’s strange,” Suzaku admitted, “but I’m not against the idea.”

“I’m glad.” He leant his whole body weight into Suzaku, which wasn’t much.

“I’ve never thought about you that way. Never thought it was an option.”

Lelouch was confused, “Why not?”

Suzaku shrugged. “I grew up knowing you were a foreign prince in a society where regular relationships are kept on the down low, let alone... other types. I was allowed to think about you in a complimentary and deferent manner, but never... never like that. Never romantically.”

“Oh... even after Schneizel?”

“He’s Britannian. Britannian culture is different. You’re a lot more open about these things.”

Lelouch started playing with his shirt. The caffeine wasn’t out of his system by a long shot and he was feeling fidgety and slightly sick. “That’s true. Didn’t you know anyone who was... who liked guys?”

Suzaku shook his head. “Not personally, no. When I became part of the military I heard stories, but no.”

“That’s really strange to me. I knew it wasn’t common but it was never unusual. I knew several people like that, least of all Schneizel himself.”

Suzaku hummed. “And... I’ve had feelings for girls before, so I just assumed...”

Lelouch stiffened, but didn’t pull away. “Euphy.”

Suzaku was quiet for a moment. “Yes.”

“I never had feelings for anyone that wasn’t you. I suppose I liked Shirley a bit... I was never sure if that was because everyone expected me to though.” Lelouch wanted to avoid the topic of Euphy for as long as possible.

“Only me...” Suzaku murmured. “Lelouch... did you ever see my being your knight as a kind of relationship? I know a lot of royals do develop... intimate feelings for their personal knights.”

Lelouch fidgeted. “Um, not really. I thought you were only in it for the chance to avenge Euphy and bring peace to everyone. I was under no illusion that you might actually like me, especially after everything. If it had gone on for longer then I probably would have...”

“You know... I never got a formal knighting ceremony. Not for you.”

“I didn’t think you’d want one.”

“It wasn’t necessary.”

Lelouch looked away. He was starting to feel pretty terrible. “I suppose not.”

Suzaku squeezed his shoulder lightly in a gesture of comfort. “Am I still your knight now?”

“If you’ll have me back.”

“I will.”

Lelouch smiled and rested his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, “Thank you. I’m sorry for being such a mess this morning.” He was still a mess but he didnt point that out, the shaking at least was far less noticeable now.

“It’s okay. We’ve both been a mess around the other before.”

“I promise I’m not normally like that.” He wasn’t so sure but Suzaku didn’t need to know that.

“I know.” Suzaku reassured him. “Trust me, Lelouch. I know.”

Lelouch took a deep breath, “Okay. I’m sorry. This morning has gone a lot better than I ever hoped it would.”

“It’s certainly unexpected, I’ll give you that.”

“Unexpected for both of us. I never meant to say anything.” He paused, “Ever. But I’m glad I did.”

“Ever? What if we spent the rest of our- my life together?”

“It probably would have come out eventually.” Lelouch forcibly squashed the realisation that he would live far beyond Suzaku.

“Eventually...” Suzaku mused. “You’re not very good at hiding how you feel.”

Lelouch laughed bitterly, “I never have been. Why do you think Zero wore a mask?”

“To hide your identity.”

“Yes... That and to hide my emotions. I am far too transparent.”

“Mm... don’t I know it.” Suzaku half-teased.

Lelouch elbowed Suzaku gently, “Hey, that's not fair!”

“I’ve always been able to read you, even when I didn’t want to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I could tell something was up with you. You know, before I unmasked you.”

“Well that is... slightly disconcerting... what did you notice?”

“You got touchy every time the subject of Zero was brought up. Beyond just a difference of ideals.”

Lelouch looked away, “Ah, that. Yeah, I suppose that _would_ look suspicious.”

“What’s funny is that I think if you had been as vehement about your views as I was, I wouldn’t have put the pieces together. It was the feigned nonchalance next to the stubborn persistence of his ideals that tipped me off. You tried too hard to fake not caring for me to believe you had nothing to do with it.”

“You always were more perceptive than I ever gave you credit for.”

“I did have some things figured out.”

“You did... I never could figure you out. One minute I could read you perfectly and then you’d change almost instantly into this unreadable, cold and detached person and all of a sudden I had no idea how you felt about anything anymore. If I’m honest... it was really scary.” Lelouch tried to smooth down the fabric of his shirt; it had creased where he’d been playing with it.

Suzaku looked down at him. “I had to do a lot of things that would have broken me if I didn’t learn how to put my emotions aside.”

Lelouch sighed, “I envy that. I never could manage it. Sooner or later, everything came out.”

“It did slip, a few times, and nothing good ever happened when it did.”

“Eh, I’d argue that it slipped earlier, and now we’re here.” He shrugged, “I think that’s pretty good.”

“There’s a difference between it slipping and me letting it down because I don’t need it anymore.”

Lelouch pushed gently into Suzaku, “I’m glad you don’t. I hate it.”

“I’m sorry.” Suzaku murmured, and the apology was genuine. No times had needed that ability more than the times when he’d had to be cruel to Lelouch. Lelouch smiled, and tried hard to suppress the memories of the times that Suzaku had used that face around him, desperately trying to stay in the moment.

“I like that you’re an open book.” Suzaku told him after a while. “It gives me something to work with when I can’t keep up with what’s going on in your head.”

“You know that I’d tell you if you asked. Well, I will now anyway.”

“Mm...” Suzaku rubbed his thumb in lazy circles on Lelouch’s shoulder. “I was always amazed by how fast you could think on your feet.”

Lelouch leaned into the touch, “Yeah, well, I don’t have your ability to physically get out of situations. I had to have _something_ going for me.”

“You have a lot going for you.”

He raised an eyebrow, “Yeah? And what would that be? A family who hates me? The ability to cause pain to other people?” He broke off and rubbed a hand over his face,  “I’m not being fair, am I?”

Suzaku hummed a little, and turned to rest his forehead on Lelouch’s hair. “You’re smart, perceptive, careful, surprisingly emotionally intelligent and determined. That and you’re attractive.”

Lelouch smiled, “Oh, flatter me more why don’t you?”

“There’s a reason you were able to did what you did. Because you make people want to listen. You make people want to make you proud.”

Lelouch blushed, “Okay. Stop now. Too much positivity cannot be good for my ego.”

Suzaku gave a soft laugh, “I wouldn’t say you’re that arrogant either, despite everything.”

“Ugh, Suzaku! Stop!” Lelouch swatted him playfully.

“Alright, alright.” Suzaku relented with a smile.

Lelouch laughed and sat up to look at Suzaku. He was feeling awful but didn’t want to move or change anything, “You really are special, you know that?”

“Me?” Suzaku asked. “Nah. Not really.”

“How many of the Japanese people gave up when they were made Elevens? How many just went with the system, complaining but never doing anything? Your route was definitely not conventional but it worked. Not just anyone could have done that.”

“Depends how you define special, I guess.”

Lelouch poked him, “Stop that. Stop putting yourself down. You made me accept compliments so you are damn well going to accept them as well.”

Suzaku rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He relented as Lelouch leaned back in the chair. The caffeine was wearing off and he was starting to shake again, feeling exhausted. “You okay?” Suzaku asked, noting the way Lelouch seemed to sag back.

He shook himself and smiled reassuringly, “Yeah I’m good, just a bit tired that’s all. I’ll be fine in a moment.”

“Okay.” Suzaku let him be. “If you need a nap you can take one.”

“I’ll be fine.” He insisted. He didn’t know whether or not that would be true, but he could hope.

“Alright. Did you have any plans for the day?”

He shrugged, “Not really, I might have played chess later if I was better.”

“Why did you do it?” Suzaku asked out of nowhere.

“Do what?”

“Take so much.”

“I don’t actually know... I just wanted the pain to go away.”

“What hurts?”

Lelouch snorted, “What doesn’t?”

Suzaku looked vaguely concerned. “Physically?”

“At the moment? I feel pretty shit, but... No, not physically. Not right now.” He didn’t mention the headache that was threatening to split his skull from the inside.

“Aspirin doesn’t fix mental problems, Lelou.”

“Eh, it can try.”

Suzaku gave him a look. “Don’t take painkillers unless something actually, physically hurts, okay?”

“Sometimes it does.” He paused, “Do you ever feel your injuries again, even if they’re long healed?”

Suzaku’s hand drifted automatically to his side, where he knew that, amongst others, the bullet scar disfigured his skin. “Yeah.”

Lelouch watched the motion, cringing at the memory of that particular injury. “I’m sorry for that one.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“No but it could have been avoided with better planning.”

“You had no idea that I was going to be there, no idea that you were going to get caught and no idea that my commander would try to kill me if I refused to shoot you. You couldn’t have planned for it.”

Lelouch conceded the point. “I never even expected to be there. The whole thing was an accident from start to finish!”

“Yep. And now I have a pretty scar as a souvenir.” Suzaku pushed his shirt up to reveal the irregularly shaped, discoloured splotch of skin where the bullet had gone in. “That’s my only gunshot wound, though. I got a few grazes from bullets at other times, but that’s the only one that did any real damage.” Lelouch hovered his hand over the scar, tentatively asking to touch. Taking a breath, Suzaku nodded, giving him wordless permission. He stroked lightly over the ruined skin, feeling the ridges of scar tissue. Suzaku had to suppress a shiver at the light touch, the spot sensitive under Lelouch’s fingers. “I know it’s not pretty.” He told Lelouch, holding his shirt up. “I don’t even really remember when it happened, but I remember it hurting like fire when I woke up in hospital.”

“It shows that you’re a fighter.” Lelouch reluctantly tore his hand away from Suzaku’s side.

“It was the pocket watch that saved me. My father’s. I kept it as a reminder of what I had done, and why I was a soldier in the first place, and... it deflected the bullet away from anything vital. I thought that was ironic, all things considered.” He let the shirt fall back into place. It wasn’t the only scar he had, not by a long shot, and it wasn't the worst either.

“It’s lucky. I’m glad it saved you.”

“I know.” Suzaku said, but didn’t agree.

“Do you still have it?”

“I do.”

“That’s good. It’s nice to keep these things.” Lelouch wished he’d kept Rolo’s locket, but, at the time, he had believed that it was pointless. He was only going to die after all.

“It’s important.” Suzaku agreed. “To honour what happened.”

“Yeah.” Lelouch looked down. He’d seen Suzaku holding Euphy’s pin several times before Zero Requiem.

Suzaku sat back. “Do you have any scars?”

“Surprisingly few, actually. I was never that badly injured. I have one here.” he gestured to his forehead where Suzaku had shot him, “It’s the closest thing to a gunshot wound I have.”

Suzaku pushed Lelouch’s hair back, looking at the thin, pale line at his hairline. “That scarred?” He asked, surprised. “I wasn’t even aiming to hurt you. Just to crack the mask.”

Lelouch let him look, “Thankfully, you had good aim. It was very hard to pretend that didn’t hurt.”

Suzaku let his fringe fall back into place. “I’m sorry.”

“We’re here now.” He wasn’t going to dwell on the amount of memories that scar dug up, not so close to breakdown. He’d finally convinced Suzaku to give him a chance. He couldn’t fuck it up now.

Suzaku paused for a moment, and then leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss over where the scar was hidden. “I mean it. I’m sorry.”

Lelouch went still at the action and smiled, “I’m sorry too.”

Suzaku let his touch linger for a second, and then sat back, not sure what to say.

Lelouch scoffed, “We’re messed up, aren’t we?”

“Just a little bit.” Suzaku half-smiled.

Lelouch sat up, “Do you want me to get you a drink?”

Suzaku blinked. “Yes. Please.”

“What do you want?”

“Um... a beer, if you have any.”

Lelouch looked at Suzaku, askance. “Suzaku, it’s not even midday yet.”

Suzaku checked himself, and glanced at his phone. “Right. Yeah. Whatever you’re having.”

“How do you take your coffee?” Lelouch stood up slowly so he wouldn’t fall over straight away.

“Black, one sugar.” Suzaku said, and then stopped. “Wait. No more caffeine for you.”

Lelouch had walked into the kitchen, pretending he’d not heard the last half of Suzaku’s sentence.

Suzaku got up and went after him. “Lelouch, no! No more coffee! You’ll make yourself sick!”

He sighed. “Suzaku, I’m fine. I promise.”

“Are you kidding me? After the state I saw you in earlier? How naive do you think I am?”

Lelouch’s eyes widened, and he backed up. “Suzaku, I’m okay... what do you mean?”

Suzaku stared at him. “Are- are you serious? I open the door this morning and you look like you’re on the verge of either a heart attack or a seizure, and you want me to let you put _more_ stimulants in your body?”

Lelouch looked concerned, “What?”

“You-” Suzaku cut himself off, his voice going from insistent to disbelieving and concerned. “You don’t remember, do you?”

“Suzaku, what are you talking about? You’re scaring me.”

“This morning? Do you remember me getting here?”

“Uh...” the colour drained out of Lelouch’s face. “...No.” His voice was a whisper.

“Right, that’s it. No more coffee for you.” Suzaku took his wrist and pulled him away from the coffee pot.

Lelouch let Suzaku pull him away, suddenly too tired to fight him. It felt like the previous day all over again.

Suzaku sat him down at the kitchen table and settled on getting them both a glass of water. Lelouch probably needed it anyway. He sat opposite him, looking concerned. “There’s something wrong with you.”

Lelouch looked away, unwilling to meet his eyes. He was supposed to be the one that helped Suzaku _,_ not the one that fell apart.

“Having blackouts in your memory isn’t normal. I need you to promise me you’ll limit taking both painkillers and caffeine.”

“If you stop drinking.”

Suzaku narrowed his eyes. “Don’t turn this onto me. I don’t forget bits of my life and then forget that I’ve forgotten them.”

Lelouch flinched, “Ouch.”

“It’s true. You can’t deny it.”

“I wasn’t denying it.”

“Good. So you’ll agree to stop.”

“If you agree to stop drinking.”

Suzaku sighed, closing his eyes and resting his chin on his clasped hands. “I’ll agree to limit my drinking if you limit your intake.”

“Okay... I’ll try.”

“Thank you.”

He gave Suzaku a lopsided smile, “For you, I’ll try.”

Suzaku returned it, and then reached out to put his hand over Lelouch’s. “I appreciate it.”

Lelouch squeezed Suzaku’s hand, “Okay, so what now?”

“Well... why don’t we look at places to go for our date?” Suzaku asked. Saying those words felt strange.

“You still want to do that after,” he indicated himself, “this? I’ll understand if you don’t want to anymore.”

“Lelouch, whatever problems you have, I promise I don’t think any less of you. I have my own issues, that you know about. If you can want me, I can want you.”

Lelouch smiled, “Then let’s do this.”

“Yeah. Um... Coffee shops?”

“Sure. Do you know any good ones?”

“Not really... I don’t really go out for leisure any more.”

“I don’t either...”

“We could look it up.”

“Right, good plan. I don’t know what’s reopened since they started rebuilding.”

“Somewhere quiet.”

Lelouch got up and moved around the table to stand behind Suzaku, draping himself across Suzaku’s shoulders. “Well yeah, but somewhere close as well... there are only so many taxi drivers I can Geass before I run out.”

Suzaku was vaguely amused by Lelouch’s draping himself over him. “Do you have a computer we can use?”

“Who exactly do you take me for? Of course I do.” He left to find it, placing it on the table between them.

“Alright. Just look up cafés in a mile radius, to start with.”

They spent a while browsing through local cafes, dismissing some because they were too popular, too niche or just terrible places to go.

“What about that one?” Suzaku asked eventually, pointing out a little family-owned place a short way from the main street.

Lelouch hummed, “It looks as good as any.”

“They’ve got good reviews. And it seems quiet.”

“Perfect. When do you want to go?”

“Whenever. Tomorrow, maybe?”

Lelouch thought for a second. His next big game was in three days time, so he could do that. He smiled. “I look forward to it!”

“Me too.” Suzaku admitted, and was surprised at how true that was. They’d been so sidetracked by searching for the perfect location that they had completely missed lunch. A fact that Suzaku’s stomach was quick to alert them to, much to his chagrin. Putting a hand to his stomach, he grimaced. “Sorry. I think it’s time to eat something.”

Lelouch looked surprised, “Really? Already?”

“Yeah. Unless you’d rather I just sat here being loud.”

“I suppose I should feed you.”

“I can help make food.”

He sat back, “Feel free.”

Suzaku gave him a look. “That implies both of us working together. What do you even want to eat?”

“Um, nothing.”

“Well, you’ve gotta eat something. Do you have cheese? I could make a toastie.”

“I don’t know, you can look.”

“Alright.” Suzaku did just that, searching for something to put lunch together with. “I’m not the only one who needs to go grocery shopping.”

“I got an order in a few days ago...”

“Either you didn’t order much or you’ve eaten a lot over the past few days. I’m willing to bet it’s the first one.”

Lelouch looked away, “Yeah, I don’t need to eat much.”

“Yeah, but you still need to eat.” Suzaku pulled out enough ingredients to make a sandwich and went looking for bread, which Lelouch did have, much to his relief.

“I eat!” Lelouch was indignant. He wasn’t stupid, thank you very much. He ate when he absolutely had to. Suzaku didn’t respond, just put together lunch for the both of them. After about five minutes, he set a sandwich down in front of Lelouch, carefully watching to see if he ate. He was still concerned from their earlier incident. Lelouch nibbled at the sandwich. He didn’t want to eat. It was already too much. He knew Suzaku was watching though, so he tried. Suzaku was careful to make sure Lelouch ate the whole thing. His blackout earlier worried Suzaku more than he cared to admit, and he wanted to make sure Lelouch ate enough to feel better.

Lelouch felt ill. He hadn’t eaten this much in weeks and it wasn’t settling well. He wished Suzaku would just leave so he could throw it away. Though he tried, he couldn’t hide how little appetite he had, and Suzaku noticed. In his head, he was wondering why. Was it just an appetite slump? Or was it something worse? Eventually, Lelouch gave up completely, pushing the sandwich away, “I’m not really hungry.”

“Because of the overdose?”

He shrugged, “Maybe.”

Suzaku was torn between pushing Lelouch to eat and letting him be. He didn’t want to make things worse. “Do you still feel sick?”

“I don’t feel great.” He didn’t elaborate.

“As in nausea?”

“It doesn’t help.”

Suzaku contemplated him. “Would a glass of water help? A nap?”

“I don’t know. Probably not. I’m alright.”

Suzaku sighed. “If you’re sure. I don’t want to make you feel worse.”

“I’ll be fine.” He smiled at Suzaku, “What do you want to do now?”

“Something calm. Do you have video games?”

“I don’t know, maybe?”

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”

“I wasn’t the original inhabitant of this flat. I haven’t bought any, but C.C might have done.” He broke off to think. “I have online chess.”

“Chess.” Suzaku gave him a deadpan look. “Come on, we both know I don’t hold a candle to you at that game.”

Lelouch preened, “Nobody does.”

“Is it even fun for you if you don’t have good competition?”

His face fell. “No, not really, but it pays the bills and it’s better than trying to get a job.”

Suzaku hummed, now was not the time to try and address Lelouch’s gambling habit. “I guess... you could teach me? How to play better, I mean.”

Lelouch paused trying to decide whether or not he’d heard that right, “ _You_ . Want _me_ . To teach you to play _chess_?”

“Why not? It’s something you enjoy.”

“Yes, but you don’t.”

“Just because I’m not obsessed with it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the occasional game.”

“Okay, if you’re sure you want to.” He acquiesced, still taken aback.

“Besides, isn’t it important to engage with each others’ interests when you’re together?”

Lelouch paused, “Does this mean I have to go to the gym with you?”

“Maybe one day.”

“Oh god... what have I done?” He looked horrified briefly before laughing and leading Suzaku though to the lounge where his chess set was. Suzaku went with him, amused by his apparent horror at the idea of exercise. He knew Lelouch wasn’t the fittest, but surely it wouldn’t be that bad for him, right? No worse than Suzaku was at chess, anyway.

Lelouch gave Suzaku a brief recap of the rules before turning the white pieces to face Suzaku. Suzaku contemplated the board for a moment. Unsurprisingly, the first thing he did was move one of his knights forward and to the middle of the board. Lelouch’s face gave nothing away as they played, quickly cornering Suzaku’s king. He really had no idea how to play strategically. Suzaku frowned at the board, feeling a bit put out. “How did you predict what I was gonna do?”

Lelouch laughed, “It’s a very basic strategy that you made no effort to hide, you just moved to attack my king, leaving yours wide open.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it? To attack the king?”

“Well, yes, but you have to do it strategically. You can’t just go in all guns blazing because your opponent can just sneak around you.”

“Oh. Okay. So how do I predict what you’re going to do?”

Lelouch reset the board and they played again, this time he explained every move he was making and why, showing Suzaku exactly how to do it. Suzaku paid attention, more than Lelouch expected. He genuinely seemed interested, though more in Lelouch’s thought process than the game itself. Lelouch was unreasonably pleased at how much Suzaku seemed to care about this. He was actually trying, even if he was looking at Lelouch far more than the chess board. “Ready to play properly now?” Suzaku nodded once. He was good at remembering plans, if nothing else. Maybe he’d stand a chance this time.

He didn’t. He lasted longer, but despite Lelouch deliberately trying to prolong the game it was over in about 20 minutes. Lelouch looked pleased, though. “That was a definite improvement!”

Suzaku looked mildly frustrated, but smiled. He’d expected nothing less. “Thanks. Maybe if you keep teaching me I’ll actually get good at it one day.”

“I’ve played a lot worse, you listened well.” He hadn’t had a challenge since Schneizel but he was surprised to realise he didn’t mind; he was just enjoying spending time with Suzaku.

“That’s high praise, coming from you.” Suzaku said, giving Lelouch a half-smile.

After that, they passed a pleasant afternoon playing chess and talking. When Suzaku finally got up to leave Lelouch was incredibly sad to see him go. It had been so nice to not feel alone for a while, he hadn’t even drunk any more coffee!

“So... I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow... What time?”

“Noon? We could have lunch out.”

He smiled softly, “I look forward to it.”

“Me too.” Suzaku nodded, pulling on his jacket.

Lelouch wanted to kiss him but refrained, hugging Suzaku briefly, “See you tomorrow.”

Suzaku wouldn’t let him go for a moment, letting himself have that little bit of contact before stepping back. “Yeah. See you.” He gave an awkward half-wave and left.


	5. A Series of Firsts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you get when you put two mentally unsound, deeply traumatised young men with unresolved issues together? A first date, apparently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Suzaku! I wrote a brief oneshot which is published on my (1thousandminus7's) account for those who are interested and need a little bit more angst in their day. This, however, is much happier. I think they need it, in all honesty.

Lelouch stood alone in the apartment for a while after Suzaku left. The place had always felt fairly sparse and unlived in but now it just felt empty without Suzaku. Lelouch could scarcely have imagined the incredible luck he’d had. Suzaku wanted to go out with him, something he’d never even let himself believe was possible.

Starting to hear the otherworldly voices clamouring in his head again, he distracted himself the way he knew best (aside from caffeine, although he grabbed a cup of coffee too): organisation. He cleaned his flat three times; even though Suzaku had already seen it, he might end up coming back and it had to look different, better. He changed the sheets on his bed, not expecting anything from Suzaku but wanting to be prepared. Briefly, he wondered if he needed to reserve a table at the coffee shop, just in case. He didn’t. He then spent hours going through his entire wardrobe to try and find something, anything to wear. Lelouch wanted to look good, so good Suzaku would forget all about him being a complete walking disaster and just be stunned. He went through every outfit he owned, in his panic he even briefly considered the Zero costume, but only briefly. He only had what C.C had managed to grab from the palace in the commotion after his death - which wasn’t a lot. He knew he looked good in all of them but he wanted to make an effort for Suzaku. He wanted it to be special.

Eventually, he decided that he needed a completely new outfit. He wanted to look like he was trying and all of his outfits were designed to make him stand out as the best dressed in the room. He needed something new, something more... Suzaku.

Meanwhile, Suzaku returned home, unsure entirely of what to do before tomorrow. Of all the things he’d expected to happen, that was not one of them. He spent a few hours sitting around and letting it sink in, and then his nerves kicked in. A date? What was he thinking? He’d never been on a date before in his life! Not a proper one, anyway. He spent the remainder of the afternoon and the evening using a combination of his limited experience and the internet to put together a checklist that would make Lelouch proud.

First up, outfit. It was a coffee shop, so nothing too fancy... right? Except Lelouch liked fancy, and he couldn’t just wear what he always did. That would give the impression that he just thought of it as hanging out. So he’d dress up nice. He went through his clothes, most of them basic comfort-over-fashion type things, but was able to come out with a pair of black pressed trousers and a white-and-grey checkered shirt. When he put them on he looked smarter than usual, except... no. He switched out that shirt for a plain one in a nice green colour. That looked better, especially when he undid the top two buttons to let the collar sit open. If he paired that with a black jacket he’d look good... right?

Shoes were the next thing, and he had to go digging around but he was able to find a pair of fancy black dress shoes that he had worn to official functions as a Knight of the Round. They had a bit of a heel on them, but Lelouch wouldn’t mind. He wore heels too, didn’t he? Especially when dressing up. Hell, the Zero outfit had a decent heel on the shoes, something that Suzaku had specifically requested be removed for his version (fighting in heels is a mistake).

Outfit chosen, he considered a gift. Flowers were traditional, but he wanted it to mean something. For a brief moment, he panicked about the fact that the florists would already be shut and he’d have to go empty handed, but then he remembered that he could just go the following morning- they’d be fresher that way, too. He subsequently spent far too long looking up and planning a bouquet that would say exactly what he wanted it to. He learned a lot about old Britannian flower language that day.

Speaking of... he knew Britannian dating customs were different to Japanese. Hell, even if he stuck with what he knew he didn’t know what role to play because he’d never been on a date before. He’d been the one who offered... but then Lelouch had been the one to confess his feelings. Should he be prepared to pay? Should he offer to pay? He’d take money for sure. He didn’t want to offend Lelouch by assuming, but... it was the most practical thing to do. And offering would show Lelouch that he cared, wouldn’t it?

With everything planned out and in place (to the best of his ability), Suzaku finally decided to try and get some sleep. He wanted to be well-rested, and preferably not hungover, so he took enough sleeping pills to chase away the insomnia and the nightmares and fell asleep - but not before setting an alarm to give himself plenty of time to get ready.

Lelouch was still awake at 2am. This was not unusual for him, but the fact that he’d been in bed trying to sleep since 11pm was. It was unusual for Lelouch to get more than 3 hours of sleep, and that was considered a good night. He was constantly woken by nightmares or unable to sleep because of caffeine. It was strange how the promise of a date with Suzaku had stopped him from drinking more and trying to avoid sleeping as much as possible. He wanted to be rested, he didn’t want a repeat of earlier that day. He’d gone out earlier that day to buy a pair of black jeans and a purple shirt that matched his eyes when his contacts were in. He looked good! It was a pity that so many of his clothes were still in the palace, or wherever they’d been moved to. They could have been burnt, he mused. Anything to display hatred of the Demon Emperor. He forwent heels; Suzaku thought they were stupid and he didn’t want to give that impression.

He’d ended up calling the cafe and attempting to make a reservation. Much to his chagrin, he’d been politely told that he didn’t need one and they didn’t take them anyway. He felt stupid after that. He’d looked up gifts for a first date but all of them seemed to cutesy for Suzaku. Flowers were a possibility, but he wasn’t sure. He thought about buying him a sword, but quickly decided that it was probably unnecessary and they wouldn’t let him in the cafe with one anyway. He’d settled for buying one purple hyacinth, the meaning of which was ‘please forgive me’. He felt that was appropriate. It also went very well with the shirt.

When he finally fell asleep, he didn’t dream for the first time in years.

The next morning, Suzaku dressed in the outfit he’d picked out the night before and attempted to style his hair, though ended up deciding it looked better when he just let it do its thing. He left at ten o’clock and made his way to the florist’s, detailing the exact bouquet he wanted. He was glad he’d allowed himself extra time, because it took a while. When it was finally wrapped and handed to him, he smiled. It looked good. A red and purple colour scheme, with red tulips and budding roses, flushed out with purple azaleas and, yes, hyacinths too, with the occasional white violet. According to what he’d read online, the combination was all about taking a chance, forgiveness and starting to fall in love. It seemed appropriate.

Nervous, he made his way to the café, repeatedly telling himself that it was just Lelouch. Just the same person he had been friends with since he was a child. He ignored the fact that it was also Zero. Somehow, though, his stomach was still twisting itself in knots as he waited outside the café with the bouquet in one arm, fixing his collar and bouncing restlessly on the balls of his feet, the heels clicking against the pavement.

Lelouch had woken up late. For the first time in months, he’d managed to sleep for 6 hours. He couldn’t believe it and was simultaneously incredibly pleased with himself and stressed; he now had less time to get ready. Already drinking his third coffee (he was _trying_ to cut back, it just wasn’t as easy as he thought), he showered before trying to do his hair- then showered again when it didn’t work. He dressed quickly, trying to look like he wasn’t trying half as hard as he actually was. The hyacinth wouldn’t stay in his shirt pocket no matter what he did so he wrapped it in a wet kitchen towel and put it in a small plastic bag in an attempt to keep it alive until he could give it to Suzaku. Finally, he gave himself a once-over in the mirror. For someone who felt mostly dead half the time, he looked pretty damn good. Slipping in his contacts and grabbing his phone and keys, he took one last look around the apartment, satisfied that everything was in its place before leaving.

Suzaku was standing outside the cafe looking terrified. Lelouch would have laughed if he wasn’t also terrified. He tried telling himself that it was just Suzaku, but that made it worse. Suzaku had done a lot of things that Lelouch had never thought he’d do because ‘he was just Suzaku’.

Suzaku was holding a bouquet of some of the most gorgeous flowers he’d ever seen. He didn’t pretend to understand flower language anywhere near as well as Nunnally had, but he recognised some of them. Forgiveness, new love, second chances. Suzaku had put a lot of effort into that and it meant a lot. Suddenly, his single hyacinth looked distinctly unimpressive.

When Suzaku caught sight of Lelouch, his stomach fluttered with nerves but he waved. Going over, his eyes flitted over Lelouch, a smile quirking his lips as he saw that Lelouch had tried to dress more casually than normal for him. Swiftly on the heels of that thought was that he felt distinctly overdressed. Indeed, he realised that his shoes were giving him an inch of height over Lelouch, meaning that Lelouch was wearing flats.

Whoops.

Blushing furiously, he held out the flowers, hoping that Lelouch didn’t think he was weird for trying so hard. “For you.”

Lelouch was blushing too as he took them, gently stroking one of the tulips. “They’re beautiful.” He looked Suzaku up and down, “So are you, I didn’t know you even owned anything like that!” He was surprised, but he could tell Suzaku had made a big effort and that meant more than words could ever convey.

Suzaku smiled at the pavement and scuffed his toe, hands in his pockets. “Thanks.”

Lelouch smiled and looked away, “Do you want to go in? We didn’t need to book a table...”

Suzaku laughed a little. Of course Lelouch had tried to book. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

Lelouch opened the door for him, keeping his head down and trying to be at unrecognisable as possible. “After you.”

“Thank you.” Suzaku led the way indoors, looking for a table. He found one and led Lelouch over, looking in the other direction when a customer glanced up at him. He’d chosen a booth table in the corner which did a fairly good job of hiding their faces from the rest of the shop, they just had to hope that nobody was looking too hard. Lelouch still found it hard to believe they were actually doing this. It felt too surreal to just be... normal.

“I feel overdressed.” Suzaku commented as he sat down. “You look good.”

Lelouch blushed, “I had to go shopping, I thought you’d appreciate something less...” he scrambled for the word, “Extra? Also, you look amazing. Not overdressed at all!”

“Thanks.” Suzaku played with his collar, blushing a bit. “Were the flowers too much?”

Lelouch had set them down carefully on the seat next to him, wanting them to stay intact for as long as possible. “No, they were perfect.” It was then that he remembered he had a flower for Suzaku as well. He reached into his pocket where he had left it. It had survived remarkably well and wasn’t even slightly squashed. He held the hyacinth with the little plastic bag around the bottom out to Suzaku, “I know it’s not much but...” he looked away embarrassed.

Suzaku’s eyes widened a bit when he handed it over. He knew exactly what it meant thanks to his research. “It’s... perfect. Thank you.” Big bouquets and pretty things had always been Lelouch’s thing. Just a little symbol of Lelouch’s feelings was perfect for him. He took it carefully, trying to find somewhere to put it where it wouldn’t be damaged. It ended up resting up against the wall beside him, and he’d carry it home carefully later.

Lelouch watched Suzaku’s reaction, pleased that he seemed to have made the right decision. “I thought about getting you a sword, but I didn’t think they’d let me bring one into a cafe.” He joked, smiling at Suzaku.

Suzaku laughed, imagining that. “No, I think that was probably a good call. You might draw some unwanted attention.”

Lelouch sobered at that. “Yeah... Attention would be bad.”

“No one’s recognised you yet?”

“Not here, but the odd person has...” He shook his head as if trying to shake the memory away.

“Stared?”

“Yes, but I’ve been properly recognised as well. Thankfully Geass takes care of that.”

“Oh.” Suzaku frowned a little. “So... it’s not been a real problem yet?”

“I don’t go out, or anywhere near people I might have previously Geassed so it’s not really an issue.” He looked at the menu as the waitress approached, ordering a latte with an extra shot of espresso.  

Suzaku raised an eyebrow at him, oblivious to the look the waitress gave him. “You said you’d cut back on the caffeine.” He commented, then ordered a cappuccino for himself.

“I am.” He said simply, “I said I would, didn’t I?” He tried to change the subject; today, they pretended to be normal. “Have you ever been recognised?”

Suzaku glanced at the back of the retreating waitress. “I think so, but if they did they didn’t say anything to me. Some people act like they’re scared of me for no reason, so that must be why.”

Lelouch laughed, “There’s plenty of reason to be scared of you. You are an extremely good fighter and you’re also supposed to be dead. They probably thought you were a ghost.”

“Says you.” Suzaku pointed out. “At least my death wasn’t on national television.”

“Ah, but you missed the good fighter part. I was never a good fighter. All the public knew about me was that I was horrible.”

“You’re terrifying in your own way, Lelou.” Suzaku remarked, tapping the spot just below his left eye.

Lelouch smiled. “But out of the two of us, who is scarier, I wonder?”

“Good question. I’m scarier with Lancelot.”

Lelouch considered that, “This is true. You were frighteningly good at piloting that thing.”

Suzaku grimaced a bit. “I can’t believe it got destroyed. It felt like losing a limb, I swear. I’m still not over it.”

Lelouch laughed. “Nerd! I’ll make you a new one if you want.”

“I wish you could. Then again, what would I do with it? It’s not the kind of thing you can just take for a ride for fun.”

“Oh, that would be a sight! Zero in the Lancelot! World, tremble in fear!” It was at that point the waitress turned up with their coffees. Suzaku gave him a cautionary look and thanked her, hoping she hadn’t heard Lelouch. She appeared to be oblivious and left to serve another table. “Well, that was close.” Lelouch sipped his coffee slowly, enjoying it. It wasn’t half as strong as he made it, but it was still good. Suzaku would probably have frowned on ordering a coffee with three extra shots of espresso in it.

“Yeah, we should probably be careful about saying that kind of stuff in public.” Suzaku pointed out, taking a mouthful of his own, and adding a couple of sugar packets when he decided it wasn’t sweet enough.

Lelouch looked disgusted, “What exactly are you doing to perfectly good coffee?!”

Suzaku paused halfway through tearing open the second packet. “...Adding sugar?”

“You’re ruining it!”

“Come on, Lelouch. You can’t say you drink that stuff the way it is for the taste.”

“You know what, I actually do, thank you very much. It’s vile when you add sugar!”

Suzaku rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I like it this way.”

“Heathen.” Lelouch muttered and went back to drinking his own.

“You think everything I do is blasphemy.” Suzaku pointed out, exasperated. “How I eat breakfast, where I put my clothes, how I keep my kitchen...”

Lelouch grinned, “Well maybe you should take the hint.”

“That you’re used to impeccably clean, high-end houses and a maid service where I lived in barracks and relatively cheap one-person apartments for a lot of my life?”

“Way to phrase it. Now I just feel bad. Suzaku... I... I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”

Suzaku waved it off. “I’m sorry my living habits aren’t... great. I know they aren’t. Maybe now that I have you to care about it I’ll be better?”

Lelouch blushed, “Maybe. It’s not like my living habits are great either.”

“Your apartment is spotless. You must put a lot of effort into keeping it so clean.”

He shrugged, “It’s not like I have much else to do.”

“I suppose not...”

They sat in silence for a moment, just looking at each other. Lelouch was the first to look away, consulting the menu. “What do you want to eat?”

“I like the look of the paninis. I’ll have one of them. Maybe the chicken one.”

Lelouch looked for the lightest thing on the menu, eventually deciding on the soup. They ordered quickly; minimal contact with other people was necessary. Suzaku was beginning to notice that Lelouch’s light eating patterns appeared to be an ongoing thing, not just because he felt ill, and couldn’t help but wonder how much he ate when home alone. He didn’t ask though; he didn’t want to ruin their date by bringing up Lelouch’s issues.

They chatted about nothing for a while, just enjoying being in each other’s company. Their food came and went - Lelouch ate most of it, to his surprise - and they were still there half way through the afternoon, having both ordered more coffee and Suzaku a desert.

“Try it.” Suzaku insisted, cutting the corner off of his caramel cheesecake and holding it out on the fork for Lelouch. “It’s really good.”

Lelouch mentally debated before deciding that refusing would raise more red flags and leaned forward, gently biting the cheesecake off the fork. “You were right, it’s great!” He looked wistful, “I haven’t had that in forever.”

“You’re welcome to share, if you want more.” Suzaku smiled.

Lelouch returned the smile but waved him off, “I’m alright.”

“If you say so.” Suzaku conceded, digging back in. “You know,” he mentioned around a mouthful of cheesecake. “It’s funny. I was really nervous when I first showed up.” He swallowed. “But this hasn’t been scary at all.”

Lelouch tapped his fingers on the table and staring into the middle distance, “I know,” he refocused on Suzaku, “It’s been strangely easy. No agendas, nothing to plan.”

“Just you and me.” Suzaku said in a faraway tone. “I like it that way.”

Lelouch looked at him wistfully, “Me too. I like it a lot.”

Glancing around and seeing that they had some level of privacy, Suzaku took Lelouch’s hand and pressed a gentle kiss to his knuckles. Lelouch was so surprised he didn’t react. The gesture was a familiar one between Knights and their Royals, but Suzaku had never done it to him, and now it felt very intimate. Letting the touch linger, Suzaku glanced up at Lelouch and blushed.

“Too much?”

Lelouch snapped out of it and smiled gently at Suzaku, “Not at all, I was just surprised. I didn’t expect it.”

“I couldn’t help it. You were giving me this look, and...”

Lelouch grabbed his hand, “Hey, it’s okay. It was great.”

The burn in his cheeks intensified. “Okay. Good.”

After they paid and walked out of the coffee shop, Lelouch walked close enough to Suzaku that their shoulders brushed and hands bumped together. When Suzaku didn’t get the hint, Lelouch gently threaded his fingers through Suzaku’s. Suzaku looked at him, feeling butterflies in his gut.

“Is it okay to hold hands in public here?” He asked Lelouch quietly.

Lelouch looked at him askance. “Sometimes I forget that Japan is so against this, but... Yes, it’s fine here. Nobody will care.”

“Okay...” Suzaku let his fingers lace with Lelouch’s.

Lelouch smiled triumphantly and squeezed Suzaku’s hand, “Where do you want to go?”

“I have no idea... we could just wander around for a bit. Or we could go back to one of our apartments. I don’t want to go home just yet, though.”

Despite his general aversion to exercise, Lelouch wasn’t ready to let him go either. “Let’s wander. There’s a park near here, isn’t there?”

“Yeah. That sounds like a nice idea.”

They found the park and walked around for hours, just enjoying each other’s company. They chatted about the times before the occupation of Japan and what they’d been doing in between then and the rebellion. Lelouch was starting to feel faint but didn’t want to ruin anything. He’d drink coffee or something later. He wasn’t ruining this.

Suzaku noticed that Lelouch was starting to look paler than normal, so he nudged his shoulder. “Want to go back to my place?”

Lelouch took the out, not realising Suzaku had noticed. “That sounds great. Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

“Yeah. That’s a plan. Come on.” Suzaku led them both back to his apartment, and found a vase to put the flowers in whilst Lelouch sat himself down, completely exhausted. Suzaku’s sofa was comfy, if he could just...

Lelouch curled up, determined not to ruin the evening by falling asleep. Gathering himself, he got up and went to the kitchen. Suzaku had kept it significantly cleaner since last time and he found the coffee relatively easily, making one for both of them.

“I’m not sure you should be drinking that.” Suzaku pointed out.

Lelouch glared at him, “I’m cutting back!”

“How many have you had today?”

Lelouch cast his mind back. He’d had four before he left to see Suzaku and two at the shop, which made this the seventh. He wasn’t counting the caffeine pills; Suzaku hadn’t asked about them. “Seven.” _and 4 pills_...

Suzaku gave him a look. “And what would you say if I told you I’d had seven vodkas today?”

“It’s not comparable, Suzaku. Coffee doesn’t make me drunk.”

“No, it just makes you jittery, hyperactive and paranoid.”

Lelouch huffed and sat down, “It’s a reduction, okay? I’m trying.”

“Thank you. I only do it because I care, you know that right?”

Lelouch gave him a small smile, “I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying to work on it but it’s just hard...” He laughed, “Caffeine withdrawal doesn’t look fun. Speaking of, how are you doing?”

“Me? I’m okay.” Suzaku didn’t mention the fact that it had been two days max since he’d had a drink, and the insomnia and numbness was starting to creep back. It was worrying how every time he gave in, it felt worse when he came down. “Being with you helps.”

“Being with you... It helps me too you know. Life doesn’t feel so... overwhelming.”

“That’s good.” Suzaku put an arm around him. “That’s really good.”

Lelouch leaned into him, “I’m really glad I didn’t go to Australia.”

“So am I.” Suzaku told him, turning to rest his forehead on Lelouch’s hair.

They stayed like that for a while. The coffee helped Lelouch, but he’d had so much for so long that the one cup didn’t really make much of a difference anymore and he felt himself growing sleepy. Suzaku let him lean on his shoulder and close his eyes. If Lelouch took a nap on him, he wouldn’t mind.

Lelouch didn’t fall asleep, but he did doze for a while, too comfy to move. Suzaku had put on some mindless TV program as background noise and it served to keep him sleepy but was just enough of a distraction that he didn’t actually fall asleep. As the afternoon melted into evening, Suzaku started to get peckish again, and he was tapping his fingers on his leg restlessly. He wanted a drink. After all, Lelouch had indulged. Why couldn’t he? Lelouch watched Suzaku get up and wander through to the kitchen. He grumbled to himself about the sudden lack of a pillow, but thought he’d just gone to get some food.

Suzaku had. He came back with a plate of sandwiches, a couple of bags of crisps and a glass of vodka and cola. “Sorry. I got peckish.” He apologised, taking a drink before sitting down with the plate. “Sandwich?”

Lelouch’s stomach roiled at the thought but he took one anyway, just to make Suzaku happy. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he needed to eat, he just didn’t want to. Suzaku continued to pick at the food as they watched, feeling content. The drink helped settle his nerves, though he knew he’d need more if he actually wanted to feel the effects. Lelouch reached for the glass, sure that Suzaku wouldn’t mind if he had some; cola was supposed to help settle your stomach. The second he tried it, though, he knew something was badly off. “Suzaku, does this have vodka in it?”

Suzaku gave him a look and took it off him. “That’s mine.” He said, pointedly ignoring the question.

“Suzaku.” Lelouch’s voice was dangerously low.

“You’ve had seven coffees today, Lelouch. Seven. Let me have this.”

“Hey, it’s a downgrade from twenty! It’s normally seven before 8am!”

The look that Suzaku gave him was scathing. “One vodka and coke is a downgrade too. Normally I don’t bother with mixers.”

Lelouch glared right back. “Fine. On your head be it.”

“Yes. It is. And I wholly accept that.”

“I’m sorry. I’m only trying to help.” He was indignant and slightly offended.

Suzaku sighed. “I’m sorry too. I don’t mean to get snappy. I promise it’s not your fault.”

Lelouch relented. “We’re just trying to cope the best way we know how.” He scoffed, “It’s not like anyone prepared us for this or can help.”

“I don’t think anyone _could_ prepare us. I think we’re the only ones on the planet with our problems.”

He snorted, “Probably.”

“We’re a therapist’s nightmare.”

“Oh, that would be a sight to see.”

Suzaku snickered. “Going to the therapist after Narita was an experience. I can’t even imagine going now.”

Lelouch couldn’t help but laugh, “They actually sent you! What did you say?”

“Oh, I didn’t go into that much detail. Not the least because a witch sent me into a series of PTSD flashbacks about the felony I committed through her psychic powers. I somehow didn’t think sharing that particular piece of information would get me anywhere but the psych ward.”

“Oh, I know. It’s a freaky thing she does, isn’t it? Makes you feel awful.”

“Yeah. It was like nightmares on steroids.” He shuddered.

“It’s strange to think that’s there’s a whole world out there... it’s freaky.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s called the World of C, or at least that’s what C.C called it. Something to do with Geass. You remember the collective unconsciousness, right? Well... That... lives there.”

“Oh.” Suzaku frowned. He had to admit, that whole mess still confused him. “Did I ever tell you that when I ran into you there I was actually under orders by Schneizel to assassinate the Emperor?”

Lelouch was surprised, “No, I don’t think you ever mentioned that. When did you start taking orders from Schneizel?”

“When I no longer recognised Charles as Emperor and therefore my loyalty fell to his successor.”

He shrugged, “Fair enough, Schneizel is definitely a better bet than that sleazebag of a father. Sorry I beat you to it.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to do it, anyway. When I agreed to the job I didn’t know he was immortal, and that my sword was going to be useless.”

“Yeah, but I’d still have loved to see you stab him.”

“Mm... just for the satisfaction of it.”

He laughed, “Pretty much. Does that make me a terrible person?”

“I think you’re justified, in all honesty. That guy could win worst father of the century easily.”

“Very much so. He was awful.”

Suzaku chuckled, and finished his drink. “Hey, at least you don’t have to deal with him any more.”

“This is true.” Lelouch yawned and lay down, putting his head in Suzaku’s lap. “Do you ever miss your dad?”

Suzaku frowned at the question. It hurt to think about. “Sometimes... but I have no right to complain.”

“You have every right to complain, your childhood ended far too early. Both of ours did.”

“But in my case, it was my own fault.”

Lelouch ran a hand gently down Suzaku’s arm, “Not really. You were scared and doing what you thought was best.” Suzaku nodded quietly, mulling over his drink. Eventually, Lelouch sat up. “It’s getting late, I... I should go. It’s been... amazing.”

“Already?” Suzaku asked, feeling a little twinge of disappointment.

“I’m sorry.” Lelouch looked away, “It is 11:30pm.”

“Wow... Okay. Don’t leave your flowers behind.” He stood up, and took Lelouch’s hand, helping him to his feet. Lelouch swayed slightly, looking for any excuse to hang onto Suzaku for a bit longer. Suzaku stared at him for a moment, holding him up. He was tempted... was it too far? He pulled Lelouch a little closer by the waist and leaned in just slightly, unsure of what he was doing and ready for Lelouch to pull away. Lelouch’s breath caught. Was Suzaku going to kiss him?! He leaned in slightly, looking into his eyes, just waiting for Suzaku to decide whether or not he actually wanted this. When Lelouch didn’t pull away, Suzaku closed the distance between them, giving Lelouch a chaste kiss. Lelouch kissed back, pressing his lips firmly against Suzaku’s. Their noses bumped and he broke off laughing before readjusting and kissing Suzaku again. Suzaku relaxed into it, wrapping his arms around Lelouch and holding him close, experimenting with the kiss. It was inexperienced and messy, but it felt good and by the time they broke it, Suzaku was feeling warm and fuzzy in his chest. Lelouch’s smile was huge, and he hugged Suzaku tight.

“Thank you for today. It was perfect.”

Returning Lelouch’s bright smile, Suzaku stole another, much shorter kiss. “It was. I could get used to this idea.”

“Do you... want to do it again sometime?”

“I’d like that a lot.”

Lelouch kissed him again, he couldn’t resist. “Soon.” He broke off and moved towards the door, deciding that he’d walk back this time.

Suzaku watched him go, already looking forward to it. A couple of hours later, pleasantly tipsy  and feeling warm and fuzzy, Suzaku put a single hyacinth in a little jar of water by his bed, and curled up thinking about Lelouch.

Lelouch walked home smiling and clutching the bouquet to his chest. The night was warm, and he was actually happy. He stopped by the graveyard and walked to Euphy’s tomb, sitting down cross-legged in front of it. Euphy’s body had been moved back to Pendragon after the Britannians surrendered Japan. He carefully removed one hyacinth from the bouquet and lay it in front of her grave. “I’m sorry, Euphy, I really am. It was... an accident,” he laughed brokenly, “but I think you knew that. I miss you so much, and I know that Suzaku does too. He’s mine now, you know, or at least I hope he is. He was my knight for a while. He was very good at it, and I can see why you chose him.” He placed the flowers down gently by his side and pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. “I did it, you know. Japan is free now. I tried to die for it but the universe hates me and I came back... More to do, I suppose. No rest for the wicked.” He paused for a while there, just breathing in the night air; there was nobody around to see him or care. “I went out with Suzaku today, on a date. It was amazing, sis... he’s perfect. I know why you liked him so much. He loved you, you know, in a way I have no idea if he can love me. I shouldn’t want him to. It’s not fair to ask that of him but I do... I really do.” He let out a low laugh, “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this when you can’t talk back. You were the only one who didn’t care who I was or what I’d done and I ruined everything for you. I’m sorry, I really am.” He was silent after that, sitting there for a good hour before finally standing up and grabbing his flowers, “Goodbye, Euphy. I... I love you.” He turned away and walked home. The only evidence he’d ever been there was  a single purple hyacinth in front of the grave of a princess nobody wanted to remember.


	6. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your weekly dose of angst has arrived! This time things get NSFW so check the tags if you don't want to read that - its explicit for a reason. Anyway, I hope you enjoy *evil smirk*.

For a while, life was looking up. Their first date was a success, and both were eager to see each other again, so it wasn’t long before they agreed to go out again. They got more comfortable with each other, and each end-of-date kiss was a little less awkward. Still, pretending they were normal teens wasn’t going to last forever. It was just a passing remark by Lelouch, but it had weighed on Suzaku’s mind.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know, Suzaku. They’re better off staying secrets.”

Suzaku had tried to press him for more, but had gotten nothing. And then tried again, and again. Eventually, he had snapped and shouted at Lelouch, telling him that he couldn’t do this if they couldn’t trust each other, and so, reluctantly, Lelouch had agreed to talk. And that was how they found themselves here. Suzaku was down again, his depression and paranoia teaming up to make him sure that Lelouch was going to ruin things, one way or another.

“So,” Suzaku sat himself down on the sofa, crossing his arms, “Secrets. I had a feeling this was going to come up sooner or later,” he looked up at Lelouch, eyes narrowed, “After all, you’re very good at them.”

Lelouch turned away, twining his fingers together in his lap to avoid fidgeting. He owed it to Suzaku to answer everything. When he spoke, it was uncharacteristically quiet.

“Yeah... Secrets.”

“You should know by now that I understand why you did the things you did. Hell, I helped you do them, in the end. But if we’re really gonna do this - permanently, this time - then I can’t have you lying to me.”

Lelouch looked up, resigned. “What do you want to know?”

“You mentioned Euphy.” The name caught on Suzaku’s lips, a sharp pain in his mind and his heart at the memory.

“Euphy...” Lelouch trailed off. His face contorted, pain written across his features. “My biggest mistake.”

“Mistake?” Suzaku asked, sitting forward. “You committed the worst act I have ever seen anyone perform to get where you got and you don’t even have the gall to stick by it?” He felt sick. He was trying, he was _really_ trying to make this work. He WANTED to get along with Lelouch, but this...

Lelouch put his head in his hands. “How much did C.C tell you about Geass?”

“It was V.V who told me. And he told me you can control people’s minds, that you made a contract with C.C. to be able to fight. He wouldn’t tell me the terms of the contract. I learned that later.”

Lelouch looked shocked. “You knew V.V.? When?” When Suzaku didn’t answer, he curled his legs up and sighed. “My Geass... C.C. called it the Geass of absolute obedience. It allows me to give an order that must be obeyed, regardless of what it is. However, I can only use it once per person and only with direct eye contact. I cannot control people’s minds, not really, although I suppose you could use it that way...”

“You literally used it to make slaves!” Suzaku pointed out. “That sounds pretty much like mind control to me.”

Lelouch looked uncomfortable. “There was that... but it should have worn off by now. I Geassed them to obey _me_ and since everyone thinks I’m dead...” He sighed. “Who am I kidding? I don’t know exactly how Geass works after death.”

“And you know for a fact that your Geass still affects me.” Suzaku pointed out, tone blunt.

“You have a point... To be honest I’m glad my Geass still works on you. Despite the effects being mostly unintentional, it’s worked out quite well.”

Suzaku gave a soft, sombre chuckle. “We’ll see about that.”

Lelouch panicked. “What?! Suzaku, don’t say things like that, please don’t!” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you too.”

Sighing deeply, Suzaku leaned back. “My own issues are a conversation for another day. Get back to the point. What do you mean about Euphy being a mistake?”

“Did V.V. mention anything about the stages of Geass?” Lelouch still looked panicked, but now slight terror had also been added to the mix.

“No.” Suzaku frowned. “Stages?”

Lelouch sighed. “C.C. didn’t tell me either. It’s the reason why I always have to have contacts in both eyes now.” He gestured at his face with one hand before continuing, “When I first got Geass, I could control whether or not I was using it, and it was only in one eye. That’s the first stage of Geass. After using it repeatedly, it effectively levels up and you can no longer control it. It’s on permanently- but only in one eye. The third stage is what I assume is fully realised, and it’s permanently activated in both eyes. That’s why I wear contacts. It prevents me from automatically giving orders to everyone every time I speak to them,” He let out a soft laugh that almost sounded like a sob, “It’s not purely aesthetic, unlike the cape.”

“...How long did it take you to figure that out?” Suzaku frowned, starting to put things together.

Lelouch’s laugh was dark and full of self-hatred, “I figured stage two out pretty quickly, trust me”

Pulling his legs up, Suzaku sat cross-legged so he could face Lelouch. “Explain.”

Lelouch turned away so he was facing a wall. He’d never had to explain this before; never said it out loud. It was easier to say it to a wall than Suzaku, even if he knew he was listening to every word.

“When I arrived at the SAZ, the first time, I spoke to Euphy in private. She found out who I was when we were stuck on the island together. I took my mask off and we had a conversation. I was going to help her. I agreed to help her.” A choked sob blocked his throat, preventing him from speaking. Despite himself, Suzaku reached out and put a hand on Lelouch’s shoulder, a silent gesture of comfort.

“Go on.” He said softly, knowing it mustn’t be trivial if Lelouch was this choked up about it.

Lelouch leaned into the touch, took a deep breath and went on. “We were joking around. She was my favourite sister when I still lived in Britannia, aside from Nunnally. I loved her so much...” He was crying now and it made speaking hard. This was a lot harder than he’d ever imagined. “I told her about Geass... she didn’t believe me,” he broke off again, letting out a tiny laugh that was quickly masked with quiet sobs. “My sense of humour has never been great, I suppose I get that from Schneizel... It hurt, Suzaku... it hurt so much... I spoke anyway, joked with Euphy, she was laughing. I turned to her and said... and said...” he could barely get the words out, “‘I could even order you to kill all the Japanese’... and it worked.” He couldn’t speak anymore, curling himself into a ball, hiding his face in his knees. Finally saying it was so much more painful than he ever thought it could be.

Suzaku had to process that for a moment. It had been... an accident? Lelouch had wanted to work with her? For a moment, he just listened to Lelouch trying not to cry, and then he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around him, somewhat awkwardly. Resting his forehead on Lelouch’s hair, he murmured, “You wanted to do the right thing...”

Lelouch squirmed around in his hold so that he was practically sitting in Suzaku’s lap. He was crying properly now, his tears soaking through Suzaku’s shirt, apologies could be heard between the sobs.  “I understand if you hate me again now...”

“Hate you?” Suzaku asked, holding him close. “I hated you for using her. For doing something so heinous for your own political ends. Finding out you were never that evil is a breath of fresh air.” He breathed out a sigh of relief and ran his fingers through Lelouch’s hair. “When you said secrets... I thought you were going to tell me something that would make you even worse. This is horrible, and depressing, but... it’s not your fault.” The words felt like a weight leaving his chest. “It was never your fault.”

That only made Lelouch cry harder, unwilling to believe that Suzaku actually meant it. He fully expected the other shoe to drop any minute. “But... but I... I still killed her.” His voice broke, but he forced the words out anyway.

“I understand,” Suzaku murmured, “All too well. I’m responsible for half of Tokyo dying, remember? Telling myself it wasn’t my fault doesn’t help, I know, but I feel like knowing I don’t hate you for it might.” He closed his eyes, and for a moment all he could see was searing pink light. “It feels horrible. The guilt... but I won’t make it worse. I’m glad you told me. I’m glad I can believe you’re not capable of evil like that again.”

Lelouch moved up so his hair brushed the underside of Suzaku’s chin. “The F.L.E.I.J.A? Didn’t you only shoot that because of the Geass?” He buried his head again. “That’s not your fault... it’s mine...”

Suzaku stroked his hair, sighing in exasperation. “Indirectly, yes. But you didn’t know that would happen when you did it, and you’ve already told me how glad you are that you did it. Multiple times.”

Lelouch shook his head, rubbing his face into Suzaku’s shirt, not ready to accept it yet. “It’s not your fault though,” he stubbornly insisted, “I’ve probably killed more people than you did then anyway.”

“Probably,” Suzaku admitted, “but actions and intention aren’t the same.”

Lelouch pulled away, “Whilst we are telling the truth I may as well...” He trailed off before looking at the wall again, “What do you know about the Geass Order?”

“Geass Order?” Suzaku asked.

“That thing that Charles was building, that made no sense and looked like it should fall out of the sky? That was made by the Geass Order. They were a group of people who experimented on kids to try and give them artificial Geass. It’s where Rolo came from. V.V ran it.”

Suzaku’s expression twisted. “They experimented... on _kids_? That’s vile!”

Lelouch relaxed a little. “Then you won’t mind when I say that… I killed them all?”

Suzaku blinked. “You...” He thought about it. “They were hurting innocent children? Causing unnecessary pain?”

Lelouch nodded, still not looking at Suzaku. “The children... they were not children. They trained them to kill, Suzaku... some of them were only five years old... We killed them too.” He hunched over “We had to.”

Suzaku opened his mouth to speak but hesitated and closed it again. Eventually he spoke, “...It sounds like you made the right choice.”

Lelouch was shaking like a leaf. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Suzaku understood! He wasn’t going to hate him! He threw himself at Suzaku, clutching at him like he was the last person on Earth. Slowly he breathed out, “You don’t hate me...” his voice full of wonder and surprise.

Suzaku was taken by surprise by the hug and laughed a little breathlessly. “Lelou, I wouldn’t be here if I hated you. I’m here because I want to give you a chance.” His arms tightened around Lelouch, feeling him shake, and he couldn’t help but wonder at how uncharacteristic it was that he would be the one consoling a traumatised Lelouch, not the other way around. “I don’t approve of murder... but sometimes death is a kindness. If those children were being unethically tortured through experimentation, you did them a kindness.”

Lelouch shuddered, more sobs escaping him. He hadn’t cried in so long, hadn’t let himself mourn for Euphy and had barely even acknowledged the consequences his deeds had for him personally. The closest he’d come was when he thought Nunnally was dead, but even then, he’d had no time to process. All of that repressed emotion was pouring out because finally, he felt safe.  

Suzaku knew what it felt like to hold all that trauma inside, so he just held him and let him cry until he was done. He’d never seen Lelouch fall apart like this, not really, but... it was a long time coming. There was no denying that.

Eventually Lelouch pulled himself together and raised his head. “I got your shirt wet...” He let out a tiny laugh before sobering, “Is there anything else you wanted to know or ask? I don’t know if I’m going to be able to talk about any of this stuff again for a long while...”

Suzaku pulled his sleeve over his hand so he could wipe the tears from Lelouch’s cheeks, smiling softly. “I won’t make you talk about it if you can’t, because I know it’s hard, but... what did you mean when you said, ‘the truth about Shirley’?”

“I don’t know how much you know about it. But she didn’t commit suicide or whatever the official story was. Rolo killed her because she remembered and was going to help me. She found out I was Zero and shot Villetta to protect me, and then almost shot me... I tried, Suzaku...” he buried his face again, “I made her forget me, completely... another accident. But she remembered and was killed because of me. Too many people have died, Suzaku... Too many.” He had stopped crying but was still shaking. He didn’t want to dwell on Shirley, the memory was too painful. He had loved her once but even to acknowledge that would be too hard so he locked it away.

“I know. I know.” Suzaku cupped his cheeks, and leaned in for a gentle kiss, still mildly amazed that he could actually do that. “I’m completely the wrong person to tell you to forget, or to move on, or to forgive yourself, but I’m here. Because of you.”

Lelouch looked dazed, “She died in front of me...” he viciously swiped an arm across his face before looking back at Suzaku, “But you’re right, and you’re here, and for some reason I get to keep you.” His hands tightened in Suzaku’s shirt, the only warning Suzaku got before Lelouch threw himself at him again, kissing him awkwardly. Suzaku was taken aback, but quickly relaxed and melted into it, rubbing comforting little circles into Lelouch’s back as he returned the kiss. Lelouch pushed Suzaku back so that he was straddling him as he lay on the sofa, pulling away from the kiss just far enough to be able to look Suzaku in the eye. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this for.”

Suzaku blinked up at him, vaguely bewildered. “The kissing part or the coming clean part?”

“The kissing part, you idiot.” he gave Suzaku an exasperatedly fond look, “But the coming clean part was strangely refreshing.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Suzaku said seriously, “I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us. That goes both ways.”

“I only have one request,” he paused to kiss Suzaku gently, “Live.” His hand stroked along the other boy’s wrist, feeling the pulse there, “Just live, and promise me that if it ever gets bad that you’ll tell me. We’re in this together now,” he laughed, “you know far too much for me to let you go now.”

It was Suzaku’s turn to tear up a little bit at that, and he gave a little half smile. “I guess I do.”

Lelouch smiled and kissed away the tears that had escaped down Suzaku’s cheek, brushing the hair away from his eyes. “Now shut up and kiss me.”

“I can do that.” Suzaku pulled him down and kissed him softly, still learning things, fingers clutching at the hair on the back of Lelouch’s head.

Lelouch let out a quiet huff, surprised at the motion but not moving. It felt nice, really nice. He kissed Suzaku back as best he knew how, unsure of where to go from here but enjoying the feeling. After a few moments, Suzaku’s free arm looped around Lelouch’s thin waist, pulling him tighter against him. As Suzaku got more comfortable, he got more confident, even daring to touch his tongue to Lelouch’s lower lip. Lelouch jerked at that. He cautiously allowed his lips to part, wanting to see where Suzaku was taking this. The feel of Suzaku’s body against his was grounding and familiar while being simultaneously new and thrilling. Suzaku wasn’t sure exactly how far he could push it, how much he would be allowed to get away with as he started to use his tongue. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing, but he was figuring it out. Lelouch was embarrassed by how much he enjoyed the feeling of Suzaku’s tongue on his. He grew bolder, the hand that was not holding him up sliding from Suzaku’s wrist to play with the hem of his shirt. Suzaku made a little sound of surprise, but he didn’t push Lelouch’s hand away. It felt nice, if vaguely ticklish.

Lelouch felt Suzaku relax and pushed his hand up under his shirt to touch skin, stroking over Suzaku’s hipbone as they kissed. Lelouch’s fingers were a bit cold, but Suzaku didn’t mind. Even that little touch felt good and he wondered how touch-starved he must be to crave something so simple. Underneath Lelouch, there wasn’t much he could do, and he wasn’t sure exactly where the line was anyway, so he just let him touch as much as he wanted to. Lelouch felt Suzaku flinch slightly as his fingers made contact, and almost pulled away, but… by God, was Suzaku ripped. Lelouch let his hand ghost over the lines that marked Suzaku’s abs and pulled back from the kiss slightly to stare down at Suzaku in amazement. “Wow.”

Suzaku flushed a little. “What?”

Lelouch sat up and looked down at him, bracing his hands on Suzaku’s stomach.  “You’re gorgeous.” He said simply.

The colour on Suzaku’s cheeks deepened. “No, I’m not.”

An incredulous look crossed Lelouch’s face. “You really don’t see it do you?”

“See what? I’m just me. Yeah, I know I’m physically fit but that’s because I had a very physically demanding career, there’s nothing special about it.”  _That and I'm covered in scars. I'm a mess._

Lelouch sighed, “Of course you haven’t noticed, why am I surprised? This is you we’re talking about. This,” he poked Suzaku for emphasis, “is not normal. It’s absolutely stunning. Yes, you didn’t do it for the aesthetics, and it may be a side effect of your career, but holy shit it’s attractive.”

“Alright, alright, you can stop now.” Suzaku pushed the hand poking his abs away, looking abashed. “I’m glad you think I’m attractive, but do you really have to lay it on so thick?”

“You are terrible at accepting affection. If I don’t lay it on thick you’ll probably either ignore it or think I’m not being serious!”

“I liked it better when you were just touching.” Suzaku grumbled, but there was no real venom behind it.

Lelouch snickered and poked Suzaku again. “What, like this?”

Suzaku slapped his wrist lightly, chuckling. “No, that tickles. Touch nicely, like this.” He took Lelouch’s hand and lay it flat on his stomach, pushing it a little under his shirt where it had ridden up.

Lelouch went still, everything focused on the sensation of his hand against Suzaku’s skin. He still couldn’t quite believe he was allowed to do this. Taking the initiative, he slid his hand under further and stroked it lightly across his stomach. “Like this?” His voice was soft, concentrating.

“Yeah. Like that.” Suzaku murmured, watching him with quiet affection. He decidedly liked the little furrow in Lelouch’s brow that appeared when he was thinking too hard about something. Lelouch was entirely focused on simultaneously making Suzaku feel good, not fucking up and staying upright; the entire world felt like it was spinning. Moving his hand so that Suzaku’s shirt was mostly pushed up, he let his fingers explore, jerking back wide-eyed when he felt his hand graze across one of Suzaku’s nipples. Suzaku gasped a little, and clutched at Lelouch’s wrist, holding his hand in place.

“Don’t be nervous.” He told him, though he was mentally calling himself a hypocrite as his heart beat a little faster. Lelouch could feel Suzaku’s heart pounding against his hand. Biting at his lower lip, he looked down and nodded absently at the other boy’s words. Focusing on the solid feel of Suzaku underneath him, he moved his hand back.

After a moment of just enjoying the touch, Suzaku bit the bullet, asking, “If you let me up, I can take my shirt off... if you want.”

Lelouch froze, eyes wide. “You...” His voice cracked, and he shook his head. When he spoke again, it was quiet. “Yes... I... I would like... that.”

“Alright.” Suzaku tapped his arm gently. “Up.” In response, Lelouch did just that, but jerked back too fast, lost his balance and fell off the sofa. Suzaku laughed, looking out over the edge. “You alright down there?”

Lelouch threw an arm over his face and sighed dramatically “I think I need saving. Where are all the good Knights when you need them?”

Snickering, Suzaku tugged his shirt off and hopped down before scooping him up and lifting him up in a bridal carry. “You’re safe, my Prince.”

Lelouch shrieked as he was lifted off the floor, scrambling to cling as tightly to Suzaku as he could before realising the other boy’s shirt was missing. “Holy shit.” he breathed.

“You know, you’re very light.” Suzaku commented, adjusting his grip. “Should I put you back on the sofa, or...?”

Lelouch looked up, “Or what?”

“Or I could carry you to my room. We’d have more space there, and you wouldn’t fall off again...”

Lelouch swallowed visibly, “Yeah... Yeah, that sounds good”

“Okay.” Suzaku carried him off to the bedroom, pushing the door open. He set Lelouch down gently on his bed and leaned down to kiss him gently before lying next to him. “Comfortable?”

Lelouch nodded, suddenly incredibly nervous. He wasn’t sure he was quite prepared to be this vulnerable but he trusted Suzaku and he wanted this. Steeling himself, he reached for Suzaku, “Hold me.”

“For someone who always acts so cold and aloof, you sure do like hugs.” Suzaku teased as he did just that, hugging him close.

“Only from you” he mumbled, slightly distracted by the fact that Suzaku was half naked.

“I’m honoured.” Suzaku played absently with Lelouch’s hair, unaware of his problem.

“You should be...” His voice faded as he brought a hand up to stroke down Suzaku’s side, the one that bore the only evidence Suzaku had of the Lancelot's explosion.

“That tickles...” Suzaku murmured.

Lelouch slid his hand further round to Suzaku’s back and pulled him closer, tilting his head up to kiss him. “You’re beautiful.”

“Shut up, you’re more beautiful.” Suzaku retorted, speaking against Lelouch’s lips, his hand slipping just under the hem of his shirt to rest on the small of his back. He couldn't bring himself to agree, not when his body was so marked up.

Lelouch jerked closer to Suzaku as the hand started to explore. Lelouch’s hand slid up to rest on Suzaku’s shoulder, suddenly intimately aware of the differences in their physiques and slightly insecure. He pulled back to look Suzaku in the eye, resting their foreheads together. “I don’t look anything like you... you’ve seen the amount of physical activity I don’t do.” _and the amount I don’t eat_.

Suzaku laughed softly. “I know. I’m not expecting you to be ripped or anything. Hell, I just carried you in here, so I know how light you are. That doesn’t matter to me.”

Lelouch gave him a small smile before kissing him again, starting to relax back into it. Suzaku returned the kiss, brushing his thumb over Lelouch’s skin. Shivering at the contact, Lelouch rolled closer to Suzaku, trying to free his other arm.

“Lelouch...” Suzaku asked against his lips. “If I ask you to take yours off too... would you do it?”

Lelouch nodded hesitantly and sat up, pulling his shirt off quickly before he could change his mind. He was skinny - too skinny -  he knew this. The Code that marked him immortal stretched across his chest, just below his collarbones and the red stuck out a mile against his incredibly pale skin. He wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly feeling very exposed. Suzaku sat up too, gently taking his wrists and moving his arms away. Then he leaned in and kissed Lelouch’s shoulder, right at the base of his neck. “Beautiful.” Lelouch shivered, his hands coming up to rest on Suzaku’s shoulders. Suzaku traced a hand across the mark before resting it at the bottom of Lelouch’s ribs. “You didn’t scar.”

Lelouch flinched as Suzaku’s fingers mapped out what should have been a hideous scar. “I don’t know why.”

“Well... C.C. doesn’t scar, does she? It must be part of the...” He waved his hand at the Code. “Magic? I don’t know what it is.” He sat up, looking down at himself. “I have a few... I guess that’s what happens when you’re a soldier.” He laughed cynically.  _A few_ was putting it mildly.

Lelouch reached out to trace some of the scars that criss-crossed Suzaku’s torso. “Were any of these my fault?”

“I don’t think so... not directly, anyway.”

Lelouch slid his hand around to Suzaku’s bullet wound, “This is the one from where you got shot just after I found you? Right at the beginning of this mess.”

Suzaku turned away from him, making touching it easier. “The pocket watch deflected it from anything too important, but it still did a fair amount of damage.”

Lelouch stroked over the scar. “This was the beginning of it all...”

“Yeah...” Suzaku pulled his knees up to his chest. Lelouch’s touch felt good on his back. “It feels like such a long time ago, doesn’t it?”

“It really does... it’s only been just over two years since the whole thing started.” Lelouch put his forehead against Suzaku’s back. “Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if we’d never met again, if I’d never fallen into that truck. I wonder where we’d be.” It wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation but it was a familiar topic and Lelouch fell back on it now he was nervous.

“At school together, I suppose. Just living as students. I’d still be a soldier, and you probably would have become one of those professional gamblers... Though knowing you, you would have found some way to fight the system regardless.”

A small laugh escaped Lelouch. “Yeah, probably. Although I am arguably a professional gambler now. That’s where all the money comes from.” His fingers traced up and down Suzaku’s spine.

Suzaku laughed and shivered a little, back arching. “That feels good...”

Lelouch placed small, barely there kisses across his shoulders as his fingers continued to map out Suzaku’s back. Suzaku closed his eyes, focusing on the feeling. He decided he really liked it when Lelouch did that. Lelouch kept kissing him, paying special attention to every one of his scars, feeling Suzaku relax with every kiss.

“Lelou...” Suzaku asked, head bowed slightly, “Do my scars worry you?”

“They mean someone hurt you. That’s always going to worry me.”

“Even though you know I can’t die?”

“That helps.” He admitted. “I don’t know the limits of that Geass though, and that scares me.” He rested his head against Suzaku’s back, “I can’t lose you.”

“Well... the fact that I’m here means I haven’t found the limits yet. It’s strange, sometimes...”

Lelouch’s grip on Suzaku’s shoulders tightened. It was much easier to talk about this when he didn't have to look at Suzaku, “Please don’t try and find limits anymore. Please!”

Suzaku rested his hand over Lelouch’s. He was quiet for a moment, contemplating how to respond. “Well... I don’t see much point, because your power is very extensive. That, and... I don’t know. I guess I have stuff I’ve still gotta do now, don’t I?”

Lelouch smiled into Suzaku’s back. “You bet you do.”

“I need something to work for, or towards. And you’re that.”

“Oh, come here you.” Lelouch clambered around Suzaku before landing himself directly in the other boy’s lap.

Suzaku laughed a little and wrapped his arms around him. “We must be the world’s most messed up couple.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I’m sure there are worse.” He smiled and kissed Suzaku gently.

Suzaku returned the kiss. “I don’t know... the Demon Emperor and his Knight, both of whom are supposed to be dead - that’s kind of messed up.”

“...I’ll give you that” Lelouch wrapped his arms around Suzaku and kissed him again, his tongue cautiously touching against Suzaku’s lower lip.

Suzaku met him halfway, starting to get used to this whole kissing thing. He pulled Lelouch closer, until he was effectively straddling him. Lelouch gasped and pressed himself into Suzaku, his hands scrabbling at Suzaku’s back. Suzaku felt nails on his skin and broke the kiss, looking mildly concerned. “Too much?”

“No... just don’t stop.” He was enjoying this far too much to stop now.

“Okay.” Suzaku pulled him back in again, resuming the kiss. His fingers trailed over Lelouch’s back lightly, dipping down to the spot just above his waistband. Lelouch shuddered in his hold, little sounds escaping him, one hand coming up to play with the hair at the back of Suzaku’s neck. Eventually, Suzaku broke the kiss so he could trail his lips down Lelouch’s jaw and neck, pressing light kisses here and there. Lelouch let out a breathy moan at the feeling, tightening his grip in Suzaku’s hair and pulling slightly. His other hand scratched at Suzaku’s back. Taking a bit of a risk, Suzaku glanced up at him and nipped at the side of his throat, just to see what reaction he would get. Lelouch moaned embarrassingly loudly before the hand that had virtually scratched furrows down Suzaku’s back covered his mouth. His eyes were wide with surprise and humiliation, looking everywhere but Suzaku. Suzaku chuckled softly. “I guess you like it when I do that then.”

He spluttered incoherently before giving up and looking back at Suzaku, waiting a moment to ensure his voice wouldn’t betray him. “I guess I do.”

“What if I marked you up? Would you like that?”

Lelouch choked on his response, blushing so hard he was sure he looked like a stop sign. Not trusting himself to speak, he looked away and nodded. Laughing again, Suzaku leaned in and kissed his neck, nipping again and sucking at the spot until he’d left a mark on Lelouch’s pale skin. Lelouch threw his head back, loving feeling Suzaku so close. He used the hand that was still in Suzaku’s hair to keep him there. Suzaku continued to tease, trailing kisses and bites over his skin, occasionally leaving a mark and enjoying the reactions he was getting.

Lelouch was a wreck. He could barely think straight, and he certainly couldn’t speak. He pulled at Suzaku until he fell backwards, the other boy on top of him. Suzaku let himself be pulled down, though the position he found himself in made him blush. Looking down at Lelouch, he realised how wound up he was getting. Lelouch looked like a hot mess, neck covered in red bites and bruises, a flush across his cheeks and hair mussed. Suzaku had to take a moment to compose himself, though it was all too tempting to lean down and kiss the spot just below Lelouch’s ear, just letting his lips linger there as he tried not to let it get to him.

“Hey, are you okay? I lost you for a second there.” Lelouch reached up to cup one side of Suzaku’s face, thumb brushing gently across this cheek.

“Yeah.” Suzaku mumbled against the side of his neck, not wanting to disclose his problem.

“I’m not convinced.” Lelouch tugged at the hair on the back of Suzaku’s head to get him to look up at him. “Talk to me. This goes both ways; I want it to be good for you too.”

Suzaku groaned. “I AM enjoying myself, Lelouch. I just... I got a bit carried away.”

Lelouch looked confused and squirmed around under Suzaku trying to see what the problem was. Taking a sharp breath, Suzaku shifted a little way away from him. He crossed his arms over Lelouch’s chest and rested his chin on them, his belly resting solidly between Lelouch’s legs. “I’ve left bruises all over you. You’re gonna need a scarf next time you go out.” He pointed out, wondering how long he’d have to wait to resume.

“You say that like I go out.” He looked down at Suzaku with a fond expression. As the other boy settled though, Lelouch became increasingly aware of a rather... pressing issue. He flushed and turned his head away but did not move for fear of worsening the situation.

Oblivious to his predicament, Suzaku chuckled. “Hermit.”

“Well I _am_ supposed to be dead.” His laugh was strained. Now he’d noticed, he was sure it was only getting worse and Suzaku - who was lying directly over the issue in question - was sure to notice at any moment. “Anyway, come back up here. I wasn’t done kissing you.”

Suzaku propped himself up on all fours to kiss Lelouch, so their bodies were no longer pressed together quite so much. Pushing himself up on his elbows, Lelouch kissed Suzaku like it was the last time he was ever going to be able to. He couldn’t stay propped up like this for very long before his arms gave out. He also really wanted to touch Suzaku again. Completely forgetting about his issue, he collapsed back onto the bed and pulled Suzaku down on top of him. He loved having him this close; he could feel Suzaku’s heart racing like this. Suzaku yelped a little and closed his eyes tightly at the jolt of sensation that went through him. He tried to focus on keeping his breathing normal and not moving, trying not to think too hard about the fact that his hips were very, VERY close to Lelouch’s ass.

Lelouch shifted, “Are you okay?”

“Yep. Never better.” Suzaku told him through gritted teeth, mentally begging Lelouch to stop inadvertently grinding against him.

“Bullshit, what is it?” Lelouch trailed his fingers down Suzaku’s back, tapping on each vertebra, stopping when his hand was just above the waistband of Suzaku’s jeans.

“That feels good. You feel good. Fuck, Lelouch, _I_ feel good.” Suzaku sighed, resting his forehead on Lelouch’s shoulder.

“I should hope so,” Lelouch playfully bumped his hips into Suzaku and instantly regretted it when a bolt of pleasure shot through him. He threw his head back. “Oh god…”

Suzaku flushed deeply, and then laughed. “Yeah. That.”

Lelouch looked up at Suzaku, his face so red he was practically glowing. “What do we do about it?”

“That... depends. On what kind of lines you want to cross.” Suzaku admitted. “I’m... nervous, but I can’t say I don’t want to...”

“I don’t... I don’t want to go... all the way” Lelouch could barely get the words out, “I’m not ready for _that_ yet... but I... I want to do something.”

“Okay.” Suzaku nodded, frowning a little as he tried to figure out what to do next. “Um... Do you wanna...” He let his hand slide down Lelouch’s side until it was at his waistband, pushing gently.

Lelouch took a deep breath, and then another one because the first one didn’t cut it. “Yeah.”

“Alright.” Suzaku scrambled off him, maybe a little too quickly. He took off his jeans, trying not to be too awkward about it, and stood before Lelouch in his boxers, painfully aware of how obviously turned on he was. “Your turn.” He pressed, not exactly wanting to be the first one to strip off completely. Lelouch stood hesitantly. He couldn’t take his eyes off Suzaku. Slowly, he took off his trousers, painfully aware that his arousal was very visible in his tight briefs. He reached for Suzaku, desperate to hold onto something. This had gone a lot further than he had anticipated.

Suzaku climbed on top of him and kissed him. “You look really good in those.” He breathed, only half teasing. Lelouch allowed himself to be pushed back, secretly loving the way he could feel every inch of Suzaku against him. He kissed back, losing himself in the feeling, forgetting that he was now mostly naked and Suzaku could see _everything_. Suzaku took Lelouch’s hand and guided it down to the waistband of his boxers, encouraging him to touch. He let his hand rest there for a second, fiddling with Suzaku’s waistband. Slowly, he edged a finger under it, stroking down across his hipbone. At the same time, as his other hand brushed across Suzaku’s nipple. Suzaku bowed his head and made a little sound of pleasure. “Lelouch...”

Emboldened he slipped his hand completely inside Suzaku’s boxers, sliding it round so it rested on his ass. Suzaku gasped and couldn’t help a little laugh. “No one’s ever touched me like that before. It feels weird. Good weird, though.” He added at the end, just in case.

Suzaku’s words sent a little thrill through him. “I’m glad it’s me.” he squeezed his ass for emphasis, laughing at the shock on Suzaku’s face.

“Lelou!” Suzaku protested. He shifted a little, and then asked, “Uh... I know we’re not gonna do it tonight, but... when we do, how do you want to do it?”

“What do you mean?” Lelouch looked confused.

“As in...” he thought for a moment, “You know how it’s done, right? Well... would you want to give? Or receive?” His cheeks flushed as he asked, but... he needed to know. For research purposes.

“I know how it’s done!” Lelouch went quiet, “I’d... um... I’d like to... I want you to top me.” the words came out in a rush as he hid his face in Suzaku’s shoulder.

“You would?” Suzaku asked. “That’s... that’s good. I can do that. Not that I wouldn’t be up for swapping if you wanted to!” He added.

Lelouch flushed “I don’t think I could do that... I’m not...” he took a deep breath, “I don’t have the stamina you do.”

Suzaku couldn’t help a snicker. “So, you want me to do all the work?”

Lelouch scowled and swatted him. “I did not say that! I just said you’d be better at it than me!” His voice quietened as he added, “I don’t want to embarrass myself.”

Suzaku jumped a little at the hit but didn’t lose his smile. “I’m just as much a virgin as you are, Lelouch. I have no idea what I’m doing either.”

“I’ll give you that,” he smiled back, “What do you want to do now? I’m not going anywhere.”

“Um...” Suzaku bit his lip, “I think I’m comfortable taking those off. If you want me to.”

Lelouch took a deep breath, “Okay, but I should... I should probably take mine off too…”

Suzaku reluctantly withdrew Lelouch’s hand and got up. He didn’t give himself time to be nervous, just stripping off and standing there, his whole body on show.

Lelouch was speechless, eyes raking down Suzaku’s body, just taking in the sight. “You are so beautiful.” Suddenly remembering that he had also promised to take off his briefs, he got up from the bed. Turning so his back was to Suzaku, he stripped off quickly, leaving himself completely vulnerable. Suzaku looked a little bashful at the compliment, and when Lelouch stripped with his back to him, he stepped forwards and rested his chin on Lelouch’s shoulder, arms around his waist. He couldn’t help the little gasp when his cock pressed against Lelouch’s ass, but managed to keep himself under wraps. “Are you nervous? I’m... kinda nervous.” he admitted, “But... I’m really glad it’s you.”

Lelouch froze when he felt the contact between them, intimately aware that if he moved even a tiny bit Suzaku’s cock would slip between his ass cheeks. He took a deep breath and leaned back against Suzaku, resting his hands over Suzaku’s. “I’m terrified, but I trust you and I want this”

“Terrified? Of me?” Suzaku asked with a smile. “I’ll do my best to change that.”  He kissed Lelouch’s shoulder and ran his hands down his front, tracing the V of his hip with one as the other sat below his navel.

“No, not you, never you. I’ve just never done this before” His voice was faint, most of his attention was on the movement of Suzaku’s hand. He leaned his head back until it rested on Suzaku’s shoulder.

“Can I touch you?” Suzaku asked quietly, tracing down to where skin faded into dark hair.

Lelouch gasped, “Yes! …Oh god!”

Suzaku steadied himself for a moment, then reached down, taking him into his hand and stroking slowly, like he would do to himself, trying to figure out what made Lelouch feel the best he could. He ran his thumb over the tip, teasing, and kissed his shoulder again, trying to read his reactions.

“Suzaku!!” Lelouch moaned, grinding his hips back into him, “Oh god, don’t stop!”

“You’re really responsive.” Suzaku noted, a little surprised, “Does it feel that good?” Already, he was looking forward to having Lelouch do it to him. He tightened his grip a bit, finding the motions that had Lelouch twitching and gasping and repeated them, amazed by what he could do to someone normally so completely in control.

“It... feels... amazing…” Lelouch gasped out. Automatically his hips started moving, grinding back into Suzaku, trying to make it as good for the other boy as it was for him.

Suzaku moaned softly, bucking against his ass. For a moment, he was distracted from touching Lelouch, but then he realised and kept at it, focusing more on Lelouch’s pleasure than his own. He wanted to see Lelouch come for him, and he wondered how much effort it would take to do so.

Lelouch groaned as felt the pressure building in his groin. “Oh god, faster... please...” his voice broke as he pushed his ass back into Suzaku, who obeyed, going faster, pressing his lips to Lelouch’s shoulder. He would occasionally grind against Lelouch, taking his own pleasure, but he wasn’t focused on that. Only on Lelouch. Only Lelouch mattered.

“Suzaku!” Lelouch screamed as he came suddenly, becoming boneless in Suzaku’s arms as he rode out his orgasm. Suzaku’s arm around his waist tightened, holding him up as he came. He watched, wide eyed, almost unable to believe he’d actually done it.

“Lelouch...” He breathed, slowing down his touches. He could feel Lelouch’s weight on him, relying on him, and it made him feel good. Needed.

Lelouch twisted in his embrace, turning to kiss Suzaku. “That was incredible. You were perfect.” He pulled back a bit, and smirked. “My turn.” As they kissed, a hand found its way to Suzaku’s cock, hesitant at first before growing bolder. He imitated Suzaku’s actions, pumping his hand up and down and rolling his thumb across the tip. His other hand stroked lightly down Suzaku’s spine, something he’d previously loved. Suzaku moaned, gripping Lelouch’s shoulders tightly.

“You - You weren’t kidding...” He breathed, already trembling. “That feels amazing...” A hundred times better than anything he could do to himself in sheer sensitivity alone. “Lelou...” Lelouch smiled as they kissed, proud that he was getting it right. His hand kept moving on Suzaku’s cock, every now and again adding a twist or changing the speed. He knew he was teasing but he couldn’t help it.

“Lelouuu...” Suzaku protested, bucking into his grip. “More... please... Don’t tease…”

Lelouch obliged, speeding up his movements. His arm was getting tired but he persevered, he wanted to make Suzaku feel good. He moved his hand faster on Suzaku’s cock, digging his thumb lightly into the tip. He also pulled back from the kiss to pepper kisses down Suzaku’s neck, sucking marks into it as he went.

Suzaku wasn’t able to last long, as wound up as he was. His orgasm took him by surprise, going from steady, hot pleasure to a sharp burst in a few seconds, leaving him gritting his teeth and coming against Lelouch’s stomach with a stifled cry. He had to adjust his stance to avoid falling, leaning on Lelouch. He swore under his breath as he panted, trying and failing to focus.

Lelouch stroked him through his orgasm, amazed he’d managed to produce such a reaction. The hot cum against his stomach was a strange sensation, though not an unwelcome one. “I’ve got you.” he panted, exhausted.

“Yeah...” Suzaku stayed like that for a moment, then looked down. “I’m sorry. I... kinda made a mess, didn’t I?”

Lelouch looked at the mess on his stomach and shrugged “I don’t actually mind”. He kissed Suzaku softly “That was amazing... I don’t know why I was so scared.”

“I know.” Suzaku laughed softly, “We seem to have a track record of getting scared about not scary things.”

Lelouch chuckled in agreement, stroking his hand down Suzaku’s back once more before pulling away. “I’m going to get cleaned up. Wait for me?”

“Yeah. I need to do something about the carpet anyway.” Suzaku laughed, “I wasn’t the only one who made a mess.”

Lelouch flushed - he hadn’t noticed the mess on the carpet. Reaching up, he kissed Suzaku once more before heading towards the bathroom, “Don’t take too long.”

“I won’t.” Suzaku hurried off to get cleaning supplies, quickly and efficiently taking care of the mess. Once done, he fell back onto the bed, resting his head on his hands and looking up at the ceiling, not having bothered to put any clothes back on.

Not too long later, Lelouch emerged from the bathroom, towel hung low around his waist and hair wet. He looked up to see Suzaku on the bed and smiled teasingly. “Hey gorgeous.”

Suzaku rolled his eyes, slightly embarrassed. “Hey yourself. You took a shower then?”

“I thought I may as well.” He shrugged, “What can I say? It’s a nice shower.” He turned away and removed the towel, rubbing it through his hair before hanging it over a chair in the corner of the room and walking towards the bed. Suzaku shifted to make space for him and curled against his side as soon as he laid down.

“I like this.” He sighed contentedly.

Lelouch stroked his hair absently “Me too. I _really_ like this.” They lay like that in silence before Lelouch spoke again, hesitantly this time. “How do you want to do this? I can sleep somewhere else if you want.”

“I want you to stay here... if you don’t mind.”

“I hoped you’d say that.” He pulled the duvet up and snuggled down into Suzaku’s arms. In the quiet, Lelouch mumbled into Suzaku’s chest, “Please don’t let me go.”

Suzaku’s arms tightened about him. “Never, my Prince.”

“Good.” His voice was soft, almost asleep. “‘Cause I’m never letting you go anywhere.”

“Not even to the bathroom?” Suzaku teased, stroking his hair.

“Okay, maybe I can make an exception.”

“Mmm...” Suzaku watched him drift, listening to the soft sound of his breathing. When he was almost sure Lelouch was asleep, he murmured, “I don’t want you to let me go. You make me want to try.” Lelouch was too far gone to recognise the words, but he held Suzaku closer anyway, placing a small kiss on his shoulder before drifting off completely. Suzaku took a while to follow, as he always did, but when he did finally fall under, his grip on Lelouch failed to loosen even in his sleep.


	7. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkward sexy times and general domesticity :) Enjoy!

Lelouch woke up incredibly comfortable, which was rare. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d properly slept through the night. Having said that he’d slept through the night of their first date which was something. Suzaku was holding him from behind, both arms wrapped around him and one leg thrown over his, every inch of his body was pressed into the other boy. Suzaku was, remarkably, still fast asleep. Normally, he woke up fairly early thanks to years of military drills at unholy hours of the morning, this was not helped by an increasingly bad sleeping pattern thanks to a mix of insomnia and nightmares. This seemed to be an exception, though, as he was still snoring softly when Lelouch started to stir in his arms. Lelouch’s eyes fluttered open, slowly adjusting to the light flooding the room. He blinked again, his eyes felt dry and wouldn’t focus. He panicked briefly before remembering that he’d forgotten to take out his contacts the night before. He groaned, allowing his head to fall back onto the pillow. He knew Suzaku had seen his eyes before, but he hadn’t wanted the reminder of Geass tainting their evening. 

Suzaku’s pattern of breathing changed in response to the sound, as he woke up too. “Lelou...” He murmured, voice a little scratchy from having just woken up. 

“Hey, it’s okay, you can go back to sleep.” His voice was soft as he stroked down Suzaku’s arm. If he kept his eyes shut, he should be good. 

Suzaku hissed a little bit as he moved the hand that was pinned underneath Lelouch. “My arm is dead...” 

Lelouch rolled off Suzaku’s arm and swung his legs over the side of the bed to sit up. He rubbed at his eyes. “Give me a minute.”

Suzaku lifted his arm and clenched his hand a few times, making him hiss in pain again. “ _ Ite- te- te _ ...” He swore. “Pins and needles... Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m... I’m fine.” he fumbled for the edge of the bedside table, wincing when he knocked things over. “Sorry for lying on your arm like that.”

Suzaku gave him a sideways look. “It’s cool. Are you sure? It’s not like you to be so clumsy.” 

Lelouch considered for a moment before relenting, their new honesty policy fresh in his mind, “I can’t see properly. I forgot to take my contacts out last night and now my eyes feel like they are glued shut.” 

Suzaku winced a bit, “That sucks. You should go take them out.” 

“I’m trying to.” He paused, embarrassed, and lowered his head. “I don’t want you to see me like that.”

“I’ve seen it before. Several times,” Suzaku sat up beside him, putting an arm around him, “Come on, it’s not good for you to keep them in.” 

He buried his head in Suzaku’s shoulder, curling in on himself, “If you’re sure. I know it looks... freaky.” He hadn’t cared before, Suzaku hadn't even liked him so why would he have cared what he thought? Everything was different now.

“I’m used to it. And it’s not like you can accidentally use it on me. Come on.” He stood up, pulling Lelouch with him. 

Lelouch staggered upright, clutching at Suzaku as he overbalanced. “I feel like an idiot, I can’t even walk straight.”

“It’s okay. It’s just because you can’t see.” He helped him to the bathroom, to the mirror. “Go on. Did you bring any cleaning stuff or a case for them? I can go get it for you.” 

“Ugh, I think so? Maybe in my bag? I think I left it by the sofa.” He waited until Suzaku left before taking them out. It was hard and his eyes itched terribly. He blinked slowly, staring at his reflection. His neck and shoulders were absolutely covered in marks; Suzaku really hadn’t held back at all. Remembering last night sent a thrill through him and he trembled as he ran a hand across his collarbone, tracing over the marks and the code that sat there. Suzaku recovered his bag and found the case, taking both things up to him. When he saw Lelouch standing in front of the mirror he came up behind him and kissed his shoulder, pressing the case into his hand. 

“There you go.” 

Lelouch put the contacts away quickly and leaned back into Suzaku. “This is really nice.”

“Yeah.” Suzaku looped his arms around Lelouch’s waist, looking at his reflection in the mirror, and the strange designs in his eyes and on his chest. He laughed, “I really did a number on you, didn’t I?” 

Lelouch laughed with him, “I don’t mind. It makes me feel special.” He turned in his arms and kissed Suzaku, a little bit clumsy but full of affection. “Thank you for being you.”

“Being me?” Suzaku asked, perplexed. 

“Yes. Being you. You are amazing and gorgeous, and I am so, so lucky to have you.” He trailed down Suzaku’s neck, emphasising each word with a kiss. “Can I keep you?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Suzaku murmured. “There’s no place I’d rather be than here.” Lelouch gasped as Suzaku pushed him back and his bare skin made contact with the cold counter top. Tilting his head back, he looked at Suzaku through half-lidded eyes. 

“Prove it.”

Suzaku cupped his jaw and leaned in to kiss him passionately, the length of his body flat against Lelouch’s. Lelouch arched into him, pressing himself as close as he could, the hand that wasn’t supporting him on the counter came up to scratch at Suzaku’s back. Suzaku brushed his thumb over Lelouch’s cheek as he kissed him, full of warmth and affection, and shivered when he felt the hot sting of Lelouch’s nails. Lelouch pulled himself up so he could return the kiss without bending backwards over the counter. As his hand skated over Suzaku’s back it brushed over several raised lines. He broke the kiss, eyes panicked. “Did I hurt you?!”

Suzaku pulled back, looking shocked. “...No? What do you mean?” 

“Turn around,” he demanded.

Suzaku did so, confused as to why Lelouch had broken the perfect moment. 

Lelouch gave a choked laugh when he saw the crisscrossed mess he’d made of Suzaku’s tan skin. “You look like you’ve been mauled by a cat!” He traced his fingers over the red lines, “You should have told me if I was hurting you.”

Suzaku twisted around to look at his back in the mirror. Seeing the marks, he whistled softly. “I didn’t think it hurt THAT much.” 

Lelouch looked upset. “It wasn’t supposed to hurt at all.”

Suzaku turned back and cupped his cheek, reassuring him. “Lelou, I like it. I love that you left marks on me as much as I did to you.” 

Sighing, Lelouch leaned in and kissed him again. “We  _ are _ messed up, aren’t we?”

“Yeah. Very much so.” Suzaku laughed softly, holding him close. It was then Lelouch realised they were both still very naked, and Suzaku had… a not so small problem. He flushed, poking Suzaku lightly as he looked down between them. 

“Erm, Suzaku...?” 

Suzaku followed his line of sight, and flushed a bit, glancing away. “Sorry... you know how it is sometimes. Take it as a compliment?” 

Lelouch chuckled nervously and disengaged from him, wandering around to his backside and wrapping his arms around Suzaku from behind. “Do you want me to help you with that?”

“I... I would like that.” Suzaku admitted, leaning backwards against his chest. 

Lelouch smiled into Suzaku’s neck and ran his hands down the other boy’s front, resting them on his hips. “Do you want to do the same thing as last night, or…” His voice trailed off a bit, “try something else?”

“Something else?” Suzaku asked, his body betraying his interest. “Like what?” 

Lelouch struggled to speak, suddenly not so confident, “Um, we could...” His voice faded, not wanting to be the first one to make a suggestion. 

Suzaku turned to face him, cupping his chin and running his thumb over his lower lip. “Tell me what you’re offering.” 

“I... I could...” He paused and took a deep breath, “I could try... you know... with my mouth...” he blushed deeply and looked away, sure his face matched the colour of his eyes. 

“I hoped you’d say that.” Suzaku told him, turning Lelouch’s face back to him with a gentle hand so he could kiss him softly. “I’ll do it for you too. It’s only fair.”

Heat shot through him at Suzaku’s words and he had to use his grip on Suzaku to steady himself. “So... how do we do this? Do you want to go back to your bedroom?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’d be able to stay upright if we stayed here.” Suzaku laughed softly. 

Lelouch shuddered in anticipation and pulled away, motioning towards the door. “After you.” Suzaku took the invitation and led the way back to his bed, laying back on it and looking up at Lelouch, who took a deep breath before scrambling up on top of Suzaku and kissing him. 

“I’m nervous... but I want... I want to make you feel good.”

“I know. I’ll tell you what feels good, I promise.”

Lelouch nodded before he started kissing down Suzaku’s body. He kissed one of his nipples, his tongue darting out to lick it softly. Suzaku gasped in response and ran his fingers through Lelouch’s hair. If that on its own felt so good, he couldn’t even begin to imagine what that tongue would feel like between his legs. Lelouch gave the other nipple the same treatment before kissing down the hard lines of Suzaku’s abs. Encouraged by the noises the other boy was making he moved to settle between his legs, taking him in his hand and giving a few experimental strokes before bending down to lick at the moisture beading at the tip. A sharp sound escaped Suzaku, his hips bucking involuntarily. He couldn’t believe how good even that tiny little action felt. 

“Lelou...”

Lelouch looked up at him as he closed his lips around the head of Suzaku’s cock, being careful to keep his teeth away. He sucked gently and swirled his tongue around the tip. Suzaku swore, reverting to Japanese as his fingers tangled in Lelouch’s hair so tightly it hurt. Lelouch pushed at Suzaku’s arm to get him to loosen his grip- as much as he enjoyed having his hair pulled, that was a bit too much. When Suzaku took the hint and let his fingers slacken, Lelouch took him deeper into his mouth. He couldn’t fit him in all the way but did his best regardless. Gaining confidence, he began to bob his head, taking him a little deeper every time. His hand stroked over what he couldn’t reach, so no part of Suzaku was left neglected. The taste was strange, but he found he didn’t mind- the sight of Suzaku becoming progressively more wrecked was worth it. 

“Lelou... Lelou, please... more...” Suzaku was finding it harder and harder to string together coherent sentences. All that mattered was that Lelouch’s mouth felt warm and wet and amazing. “D-don’t stop...” Lelouch redoubled his efforts, trying desperately to pin Suzaku’s hips down so he wouldn’t choke. He knew it could happen if he let Suzaku push too far, and he didn’t want to ruin it. His jaw was aching, so he took his mouth off, choosing instead to kiss down the sides of Suzaku’s cock, flicking his tongue along the vein as he went and giving his jaw a rest. He kissed the base before sliding back up to take the tip into his mouth again, sucking hard and digging his tongue into the slit. Suzaku gave a wordless complaint when Lelouch stopped for a moment, Lelouch’s light kisses and licks only winding him up further. When he went back, Suzaku felt tense and a little breathless, his skin prickling with heat. “Lelou... if you keep doing that-” He drew in a sharp breath. “I’m gonna come in your mouth...” Lelouch just sucked harder at his words, taking Suzaku’s cock as far in as he could before pulling back again. He looked up at Suzaku, eyes blown wide with arousal as he licked around the head of his cock. Suzaku swore softly. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you...” He lay his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes, trying not to thrust into Lelouch’s mouth. His breathing was shallow and rapid, his heart racing. “L-Lelouch!” He cried out when the feeling peaked, his body seizing up. He was unable to stop the way his hips snapped roughly upwards in response to the sensation, his fingers in Lelouch’s hair holding him in place. Lelouch choked as Suzaku pushed into his mouth, desperately trying to swallow and breathe around his cock. Pulling off, he coughed violently, swallowing down the last of Suzaku’s cum. For a moment, he knelt there panting and looked up at the other boy, not yet trusting himself to speak. “S-sorry!” Suzaku panted, trying to sit up but having to take a moment, his face and chest flushed from his orgasm. “Are you... Are you okay?” 

“Yeah... I’m...” he cleared his throat, “I’m fine. Was that okay?” He sounded completely wrecked. 

“It was amazing...” Suzaku breathed, making himself sit up. “I’m sorry I... did that.” He stuttered over his words, still embarrassed to say it out loud. 

“Don’t worry about it” Lelouch smiled at him, “Not too bad for a first attempt. Just… Next time don’t hold me down maybe?”

Suzaku’s flush deepened. “Sorry. I... wasn’t exactly thinking straight.”

“I know, it’s okay. I’m really glad you enjoyed it so much” Lelouch cupped Suzaku’s face and stroked his thumb across his cheek. “Just give me a second to go and clean up and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Suzaku leaned in and kissed him, without even thinking about it. For a brief second, Lelouch let himself be drawn into the kiss before realising what he’d done and shoving Suzaku back.

“Suzaku!!! I... I just... You can’t...”

Suzaku looked vaguely bewildered. “Why not?” 

Scandalised, he pulled back. “But I just... You really don’t mind?”

“Not really... should I?” 

“I suppose not” He relented and resumed the kiss he’d broken. Suzaku returned the motion, picking up on a slightly strange taste on Lelouch’s lips and tongue but not caring enough to stop. Lelouch climbed into Suzaku’s lap and pressed himself into him. He loved being close to him, feeling safe. Suzaku held him close, ending up breaking the kiss just so he could rest his chin on Lelouch’s shoulder and hug him. He couldn’t help it; it was what he was craving. Just casual skin-on-skin contact. He never wanted to lose it. Lelouch had never thought he’d feel this comfortable being naked with anyone, but the closeness he felt to Suzaku was overwhelming. He flinched and tucked his head into Suzaku’s shoulder as he realised that this time  _ he _ was the one with an issue. 

“Will you let me do it for you, too?” Suzaku asked, turning his head so he could nuzzle Lelouch’s hair. Lelouch leaned into the touch to steady himself before hesitantly replying. 

“Yeah... that would...” He swallowed, nervous despite the fact Suzaku had literally come in his mouth a few moments before. “That would be great...”

“Okay.” Suzaku rolled them over so he was on top of Lelouch, laying him down on the bed. Then he leaned down and kissed his neck, over one of the hickeys he’d left the night before. Lelouch let out a small moan and shuddered at the feeling, his anticipation building. Continuing to make his way downwards, Suzaku briefly stopped to run his tongue over one of Lelouch’s nipples, just to see how he’d respond. His were so much paler and pinker than Suzaku’s own, and he found it kind of cute. Lelouch gasped and arched up into Suzaku, the soft wet heat sending a sharp jolt of pleasure down between his legs. “Oh god... that feels... oh god…” He breathed, words failing him for once in his life

“You like that?” Suzaku asked, drawing little circles around it with the tip of his tongue. 

“Ngh-” Lelouch’s hands tangled in Suzaku’s hair. He was already panting, unused to the feeling. He was desperate for more. “Su-Suzaku...” In response, Suzaku let his teeth graze it lightly, experimenting with what he could get Lelouch to react to. Lelouch jerked and threw his head back, his hips thrusting up into Suzaku’s. “ _ Fuck _ !”

“You’re really sensitive here...” Suzaku mused, switching to give the same attention to the other one. Lelouch squirmed underneath him, bucking and grinding against his lower belly. Small moans fell from his lips as his hands scratched down Suzaku’s back. Suzaku let this go on for a while before propping himself up with a chuckle. 

“If I didn’t know better I’d say you could come just from that.” 

Lelouch made a weak effort to control his breathing, coming down from his high in the break from stimulation. “Don’t... don’t tempt me.” Suzaku laughed again and gave it one last teasing lick before continuing downwards, trailing kisses over his navel and down between his legs. Moving Lelouch’s thighs into a comfortable position, he took his cock into his hand, giving a few cursory strokes before leaning in and giving the head several small licks, remembering how good that had felt to him. “Fuck!” Lelouch yelped again, his back arching almost completely off the bed in an attempt not to thrust up into Suzaku’s mouth. 

Suzaku was both amused and taken aback by the intensity of his reaction. “I’ve barely even done anything yet, Lelou.”

“I know” he panted, “just... just give me a second” He didn’t want it to be over yet and for that he needed to come down off the pleasure high sooner rather than later. Suzaku chuckled and rested his cheek on Lelouch’s thigh, looking up at him as he lazily stroked him, just so he wouldn’t be left with nothing. Lelouch focused on calming down, taking deep breaths and trying very hard to ignore Suzaku’s weight on his leg. A couple of minutes later he spoke again, his voice more controlled this time “Okay... you can... keep going... please.”

“Yes, My Lord.” Suzaku murmured, dragging the flat of his tongue over the head before taking it into his mouth. It was harder than he expected it to be to fit, and he was mildly concerned that he wouldn’t be able to take much in as he slowly sank down over the first inch and a half. Lelouch’s world narrowed down to two things, Suzaku’s voice as he said ‘My lord’ and the white hot pleasure that came from the sensation of Suzaku’s mouth on his cock. Suzaku was focused entirely on Lelouch, and how he reacted to each press of his tongue and stroke of his hand. He found a particularly good spot just below the head and repeatedly teased it with the tip of his tongue each time he bobbed his head back and forth. What he couldn’t get in his mouth he worked in a tight fist, until his lips were meeting his thumb and forefinger with each downward movement. Small whines escaped Lelouch with every movement Suzaku made, far too far gone for anything more coherent. One hand was tightly wound in Suzaku’s hair as the other fisted the sheets, desperate for something to hold on to. Suzaku loved the way Lelouch pulled on his hair. He pushed until he felt the back of his throat protesting, and swallowed, trying to get rid of the feeling. It didn’t really work, but each time he tried it got a little bit easier. Lelouch felt Suzaku swallow around him and his world went white 

“Suzaku! I’m...”

Suzaku pulled back just in time to not choke, though it still took him by surprise, and he had to hold his breath to avoid dissolving into a coughing fit. The taste was similar to what he’d tasted on Lelouch’s lips, but much stronger. He waited until Lelouch appeared to be done and swallowed, letting him go so he could breathe again and cough a few times. He cleared his throat and looked up at Lelouch, still holding him in his hand. “I take it that felt good.” He commented, his voice a little hoarse. 

Lelouch was completely limp, breathing ragged. With effort he tugged on Suzaku’s hair. “Come here.”

Suzaku obliged, going back up to lean over him, loving the colour on his pale skin. “You look gorgeous.” 

Lelouch flushed further at the compliment, “You are amazing.” he sounded absolutely wrecked.

“Yeah? Thanks.” Suzaku smiled and leaned in for a kiss. Lelouch hesitated but kissed him back. He could taste himself but it wasn’t enough to put him off. Weakly he pulled Suzaku down on top of him, wanting to feel all of him. Suzaku happily settled on top of him, unaware of how heavy he was. His weight was warm and grounding which felt amazing until Lelouch realised he could neither move nor breathe. He poked at Suzaku’s side, trying to get him to roll off. Suzaku made a soft noise of complaint, but rolled off to one side, still clinging to him. 

Lelouch sank into his arms, completely boneless. “I never want to move again.” 

“Mm... me neither. I want to stay right here forever...”

A while later a thought swam through the afterglow in Lelouch’s brain and he tilted his head up towards Suzaku’s, “Hey, aren’t you still supposed to be Zero?” 

“It’s not exactly a day job... I make appearances, I stand next to Nunnally during official addresses... that’s about it.” Suzaku sighed. “I have a schedule.” 

Lelouch chuckled “You, having a schedule. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”

Suzaku was indignant, “Hey, I’ve always had one! A very strict one, actually. You’ve never been a soldier.” 

“Well if we’re being technical...”

“Not a real soldier, Lelou.”

He laughed, “Yeah no. I was much more important.”

Suzaku rolled his eyes. “You’ve never fought outside of a Knightmare. I bet you don’t know how to use most standard issue military weapons.” 

Lelouch poked him “Excuse you! I am proficient with a handgun!” 

“Yeah. A pistol. Your basic backup weapon. Have you ever used a rifle? Anything semi-automatic?”

“No... We’re not counting Knightmares though right?”

“No. We’re not. You aren’t a real soldier if you can’t fight on foot.” 

Lelouch huffed, “If I’m fighting on foot something has gone very wrong...”

“Mhmm. Though I suppose these days you don’t really have to worry about it...”

Lelouch flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling, “I know... it’s so boring.”

Suzaku propped himself up on an elbow, “Really? Aren’t you glad?”

“Glad? I suppose I’m glad the fighting’s over, I mean that was the whole point but... oh I don’t know.” He looked away, “Part of me hoped I’d get to be part of the new world I’d worked so hard for. I knew it could never work and couldn’t be factored into the plan... but I hoped. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think I’d end up here.” His voice faded, “I never wanted to die but I  _ was  _ ready, I had resigned myself. Do you have any idea how terrifying it was to wake up after that? It felt like it was all for nothing...” 

“It wasn’t.” Suzaku assured him. “It worked, it really did.”

He turned to hide his face “I know... I know it’s not fair, but I really  _ really _ wish I could be part of it... being dead sucks.”

“I know.” Suzaku reminded him, “I might get to see the world through the mask, but I don’t get to be part of it. I gave up the everyday pleasures of living, remember? Zero is all I am now. I can’t be me out there.” 

“Trust me I know how it feels to look at the world from behind a mask and for everyone to see Zero and not you.” He huffed quietly, “For what it’s worth I am sorry it had to be you. I didn’t want you to be alone when I was gone.”

“Isolation is... probably not best for me. But now I have you, so I’m not isolated anymore.” He moved closer and draped an arm over Lelouch’s side. 

Lelouch kissed Suzaku’s shoulder “I’m not going anywhere” he scoffed, “I literally can’t go anywhere.” He’d all but forgotten his plan to go to Australia, it wasn’t like he would go now though, he wouldn’t leave Suzaku for as long as the other boy wanted him there. 

“Good. I didn’t realise how hard it would be... but then, it’s not atonement if I don’t have to suffer, is it?” Suzaku mused. 

“I suppose not... One of these days you’re going to realise you’ve suffered enough” 

“It’s never enough...” Suzaku murmured, eyes cast down. 

Lelouch scooted closer until they were flush against each other again “One day I hope you’ll see that it is. We both have a lot to atone for, but you can’t suffer forever. I know how hard it is and I know you’re trying just, believe me... please.” Suzaku nodded once, sharply, and buried his face in Lelouch’s shoulder. He could never tell him everything about how he felt, because Lelouch wouldn’t understand. No one could.  Lelouch felt Suzaku trembling against him and hugged him tighter “You know you can tell me anything right, I can’t promise I’ll understand it all, but I will always listen. I’m here for you... always.” Suzaku nodded again but didn’t speak. Lelouch just held him tight, he was exhausted but for Suzaku he’d do anything, and a hug really wasn’t that difficult. 

After a moment, Suzaku asked quietly, “Is there anything you’d be angry at me for?”

Lelouch pulled back to look at him “Angry? With you? No... I really can’t think of anything.” He ignored the memory of Suzaku betraying in and forcing him in front of his father. That was not something that needed to be discussed now. He pressed a kiss to Suzaku’s forehead. “What is it that’s bothering you? You don’t have to tell me now if you don’t want to. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m... not very good at dealing with my problems.” Suzaku murmured. 

“I know that darling” Lelouch gently stroked some of the hair out of Suzaku’s eyes. 

“Darling?” Suzaku asked, glancing up at him. “That’s new.”

“No? Just trying things out” he shrugged as best he could lying down, “It’s hard to shorten Suzaku.”

“I didn’t say no.” Suzaku added, a little bashful. 

“Alright then,” he kissed Suzaku gently, “...darling”

Suzaku smiled a little. “Thanks.” 

Lelouch let the silence linger for a bit, enjoying the feeling of running his fingers through Suzaku’s hair. “You were saying?” He prompted gently.

Suzaku looked away again. “...It doesn’t matter. It’s not that big of a deal.” 

Lelouch turned Suzaku’s head back towards him, “It matters because it’s you and it’s clearly not nothing. Talk to me Suzaku, let me try and help you... please.”

“I’m glad you weren’t gone long. Without the chance to work out my issues on the battlefield, I...” He took a slow breath. “I’ve been entertaining some less healthy habits. Then again, fighting so many battles probably wasn’t healthy either, was it?” 

“No, I can assure you that fighting is generally not good for you.” He played with Suzaku’s hair, brushing it off his face gently. 

“At least that was productive, though. I could work towards a goal through it.” 

“Mm, I’ll give you that” Lelouch tried to encourage Suzaku to continue, talking was progress. 

“And... it felt good. To be a wall between the enemy and the thing I wanted to protect. Being able to take the damage for them- for you- felt good.” 

“Oh Suzaku... you were very good at that. We all have things we would do anything to protect” he bent down to kiss him lightly. Suzaku returned the kiss, though his stomach was kind of twisted up. Lelouch pulled back “Hey, I got you okay. You don’t have to hide anymore”

“Thank you.” 

“You don’t have to thank me! I’m your boyfriend,” he kissed Suzaku again, “This is literally what I’m here for.”

“I want to thank you.” Suzaku pressed. 

Lelouch relented, “Then you are absolutely welcome.”

Suzaku went quiet again. “There’s a little part of me that doesn’t want to be fixed, you know?” He said after a while. 

“I know how you feel... it’s become part of you and it’s really scary to let that go” he kissed along Suzaku’s collar bone, reaching down to twine their fingers together. 

“I know I should want to get better... but honestly, the only motivation I have is to stop you from being sad. Otherwise I don’t see any point.” 

Lelouch made a small noise. “That’s good enough for now. One day... one day I wish you will do it for you.”

“Mm...” Suzaku held him tightly. “Maybe one day.”

“Thank you.” he squeezed Suzaku’s hand. 

“I... do have a thing to be at this afternoon.” Suzaku mentioned, changing the subject. “So, I’m afraid I’ll have to leave after lunch.” 

Lelouch sighed, “I suppose I should let you go... Do you want me to cook?”

“I’d like that.” Suzaku smiled, “And we should probably get dressed at some point, as much as I like laying around with you naked.” 

Lelouch flushed, he’d forgotten about that. “Yeah... That... that would be a good idea.” 

Suzaku snickered and sat up, “Did you bring a change of clothes?”

“I didn’t expect to stay over... I thought you wouldn’t want me anywhere near you after... after that.” Lelouch coughed, embarrassed, “That’s a no.”

“Mmkay. You can borrow some of mine.” Suzaku went over to his wardrobe and opened it up, going through. “Uh... I don’t think there’s anything in here that’s really your style...” 

Lelouch got up, swaying slightly and walked to Suzaku. “You go shower, I’ll find something to wear.” He pushed at him, “Go on, shoo.” Suzaku gave him a look but obeyed. He supposed he did need it. Lelouch rooted through Suzaku’s wardrobe, digging out a pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt that hung off him. As he left the room he grabbed the grey hoodie Suzaku had left on the chair the previous evening, shrugging it on before heading to the kitchen. 

Suzaku was in and out of the shower in five minutes, and when he came downstairs he was in a familiar pair of neat purple trousers and a collarless white shirt, unbuttoned at the throat. He’d put the rest of it on later, before he left. He couldn’t help the affectionate little smile as he saw Lelouch in his clothes. “You know, that’s a good look on you.” He commented as he came up behind him and kissed his cheek. 

Lelouch snorted, “Your wardrobe is hopeless.” turning around he froze, stroking a hand over Suzaku’s chest. “This is...” he took a deep breath, “It looks good on you.”  

“I don’t understand how you wear it all. It’s three layers, plus a scarf and gloves. And I can’t take any of it off. You’re insane.”

Lelouch straightened Suzaku’s collar and ran his hands over his shoulders, “It’s not a scarf, it’s a cravat!” He paused to examine the shirt more closely, “I’m glad the shoulder adjustments worked, I was worried about that... You should be glad I modified it so you can move better, it was never this flexible before.”

Suzaku hummed in agreement, “Yeah... and it would have been too tight across the chest, too. I’ll put the rest of it on after we eat.” 

Lelouch turned back to the counter, “I made omelettes, can you lay the table?”

“Yeah.” Suzaku pulled out plates and cutlery and glasses, laying them out. “What do we want to drink?”

“I don’t mind, you’re the one who has to go out and do things now.” 

Suzaku just found a carton of fruit juice and poured it out. He wanted something a little stronger, but he figured Lelouch wouldn’t approve of day drinking. They ate quickly, neither boy saying much. When they were done Lelouch picked up the plates and carried them through to the kitchen. Placing them down he braced his hands on the kitchen counter, taking a deep breath. He didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to be alone again. Suzaku followed him through with the glasses and stopped, looking at him. “Hey. You okay?” 

He turned towards Suzaku, “I’m fine, just... stay safe.”

“It’s just a public appearance, Lelou. All I have to do is put on the mask and walk Nunnally to the stage, stand next to her whilst she gives her address and then leave. Nothing dangerous at all.” 

Lelouch looked at him “Believe me I know first-hand the dangers of wearing that mask.” He gripped the lapels of Suzaku’s jacket, “Come back to me in one piece.”

“I always do, don’t I?” Suzaku assured him. “Now I need to finish getting ready. There are far too many trimmings on that outfit.” 

Lelouch reluctantly let him go, “I’ll tidy up here and get my stuff ready to leave.”

“You can leave some of it here if you want. Let’s face it, you’re going to be coming back.” 

Lelouch smiled, “I didn’t bring much to start with. Do you really want me to come back so soon?”

Suzaku scuffed his toe on the floor, “Yeah... is that okay with you?”

“More than okay” he leaned over to kiss Suzaku before turning away, “This hoodie’s mine now by the way.”

“Permanently?” Suzaku asked. “Damn. I like that one. I wear it a lot.” 

He smiled, “I know, it smells like you. I’m keeping it.” 

“Mm... Fair enough. I’m going to my room if you want to come.” He finished his glass and put the two of them on the side before heading back to his bedroom to finish getting ready. 

Lelouch followed him, “You do not have to ask twice.” 

Suzaku found the jacket and cape where they were hung up and pulled them on, then dug out the cravat and gloves, spending some time in front of the mirror trying to get it to sit right. “Oh come here.” Lelouch moved from his perch on the bed to fix the cravat. “You know... I miss it sometimes, I really do.”

“It’s intoxicating, isn’t it? Having power.”

Lelouch’s red eyes met Suzaku’s green ones, “You have no idea.”

“I have some idea. Highest knight in the realm, remember?”

He chuckled, “I’ll give you that.”

Suzaku smiled and kissed him softly, “You still have power. It’s your power that’s made the world peaceful.”

“Not that it’s all that helpful now.” Lelouch kissed him back and handed him the mask, “You need to get moving.”

“Okay. You’re welcome to stay, if you want to. I’ll be back in a few hours.” 

“I need to go and get some of my stuff, but I’ll try and be back before you.”

“There’s a spare key in the box by the door.” 

Lelouch stroked down Suzaku’s face gently, “I’m honoured.”

“To have a key to my apartment?” Suzaku asked. 

“Hey it’s special! It means you trust me”

Suzaku laughed but then sobered, “I don’t like being alone. Having you here fills the gaps.” 

“That makes two of us.” Lelouch gave him a light shove, “You really need to go.” 

“Alright, fine.” Suzaku sighed and gave him one more kiss before putting on the mask. “I’ll see you later.” He finished before heading out, taking the back entrance so he could disappear into the streets without being seen. Lelouch held a hand to his lips, watching Suzaku leave. It felt like someone had reached into his gut and twisted. He never realised how hard it would be to watch Suzaku walk away from him again. With nobody watching it was easy to fall apart. Despite himself he let out a small sob as he pulled the hoodie up over his head, surrounding himself in the scent of Suzaku as he curled up on the floor. Even knowing Suzaku would be back soon he felt so alone. A while later he pulled himself together, gathered his stuff, put his contacts in and called a cab. He would be back as soon as he could be. Meanwhile Suzaku performed his duty, wishing the whole time that he could be home with Lelouch. 


	8. It's not as easy as it looks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More porn and Lelouch goes to the gym.

Lelouch returned to Suzaku’s flat with a suitcase in tow and immediately set about tidying the place up. To most people, Suzaku’s home would have been perfectly acceptable, but to Lelouch it was incredibly messy. He reorganised the kitchen, Suzaku’s wardrobe and changed the sheets on the bed. As he cleaned, he started to accumulate bottles and cans - some empty, some still half full - that had been stashed away, hidden presumably somewhere that Suzaku thought Lelouch wouldn’t find them. He gathered them all together on the living room table before sitting down to re-read “The Art of War” and waiting for Suzaku to return, disappointed and angry. He’d known Suzaku had been drinking a lot, but this? This was excessive.

Suzaku was out for nearly four hours, and when he returned he let himself back in through the back door to the apartment complex again, not taking the mask off until the door to his flat was locked behind him. “Lelouch?” He called out, wanting to know if he was still here or not. His kitchen definitely looked different, and he couldn’t help a twist of concern. Had Lelouch been going through his things?

Lelouch heard Suzaku enter but didn’t move to greet him. He sat at the table, staring blankly at the bottles that covered it. Suzaku went into the next room, and winced when he saw the collection. “Uh... so you did some tidying, huh?” 

Lelouch didn’t look up “Sit down.”

Suzaku did so, feeling more than a little like a kicked puppy. 

Lelouch was silent for a while before motioning to the bottles, “Help me out here because I really can’t understand.” He met Suzaku’s eyes, “I was gone a week, Suzaku. A week.”

“...Yeah.” Suzaku fidgeted with the mask in his lap. He didn’t know what to say. The evidence was all right in front of him. He’d promised to cut back. He’d sworn to Lelouch that he’d try harder, and… he hadn’t. 

Lelouch stared at him. “Why?”

“I told you. I’m not very good at dealing with things.”

“Suzaku, there is not very good at dealing with things and then there’s this.”

Suzaku looked down, ashamed. “It could be worse. I could have done worse.” _ I nearly did _ , he thought but didn’t add. 

Lelouch looked panicked. “What?!”

Suzaku winced again. “I’m sorry.”

Lelouch moved around to where Suzaku was sitting and, moving the mask onto the table, climbed into his lap. “Talk to me, I want to understand.”

“What is there to say? You know I’ve had problems. Sitting at home on my own with nothing but what’s going on in my head drives me insane.” 

“I get it. Believe me, I get it.” Lelouch held him tightly, “Please don’t do it anymore. What can I do? I want to help Suzaku, it’s not like I’m doing anything at the moment.” His laugh was strained.

“Distract me.” 

“What do you want me to do?” He lifted his head to look Suzaku in the eye. 

“Stay here. Talk to me. Just don’t let me sink into my own thoughts, because that’s a bad place to be. Just… stay with me. Please.” He didn’t mean in the short term.

“Are you asking me to move in?” Lelouch was shocked, but the idea was incredibly appealing. 

“...Informally.” Suzaku conceded. “I guess I am. Yeah.” 

Lelouch kissed him, “If you think you can live with me I’ll gladly stay.”

“However difficult you think you are to live with, I can guarantee it’s harder for me to live with myself.”

“Fair enough.” He smiled, “I’ll stay.” He was actually glad to get out of his apartment, nothing good happened when he was alone either.

“Thank you.” Suzaku hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry I messed up.”

Lelouch relaxed into Suzaku’s hold, “You didn’t ‘ _ mess up _ ’, you were struggling. I don’t have to agree with your coping mechanisms to understand them.”

“It didn’t really help.” 

He chuckled “I imagine not.”

“It was just something to do, and it’s easier to distract yourself when you’re drunk.” 

Lelouch leaned back and raised an eyebrow, a wicked grin on his face. “Well, now you have something else to distract you.”

Suzaku blushed a little. “Yeah. I do.” 

Before his confidence could evaporate, Lelouch stood and walked towards the door, grin still in place he looked back at Suzaku. “You go and change, I’ll be here... waiting.”

“...Should I bother finding new clothes to put on?” Suzaku asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?” Lelouch flushed slightly before stalking off.

Suzaku couldn’t help a little smile at Lelouch’s back before he got up and went to take the outfit off. It went back on its hanger, and Suzaku just pulled on a pair of shorts, not bothering with a shirt as he went to find Lelouch. 

Lelouch was sprawled across the bed, naked save for a pair of tight black briefs that left nothing to the imagination. He’d already removed his contacts to avoid a repeat of the previous night. 

Suzaku drew in a sharp breath, and perched on the bed next to him, reaching out to touch his cheek. “You’re gorgeous, you know that?”

He flushed and leaned into the contact, looking up at Suzaku with wide eyes. “So I’ve been told.”

“You are. I don’t know why someone as gorgeous as you is here with me.” 

Lelouch fought the urge to curl into himself. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

“A long list of less than moral things.” Suzaku half-joked. 

Lelouch shrugged, “I’ll take it.”

Suzaku leaned down and kissed him softly. “At any rate, I’m very glad we do have each other.”

Lelouch huffed and pulled him down, moving so he wasn’t crushed by Suzaku as he lay down partially on top of him, draping an arm over his front. “Did you watch the address?” 

Lelouch pressed a kiss to his cheek. “You looked very dashing.”

“Thank you. She’s doing good things. Nunnally, I mean.” 

“I know, I’m very proud of her... I never thought I’d get to see her doing so well.” He turned his head into Suzaku’s neck, “I wish I got to say goodbye.”

“She held a beautiful funeral for you. It was a quiet thing. I was worried it would be a huge thing full of a load of people who hated you, but it wasn’t. She still loves you.” 

Lelouch felt his eyes growing wet and held Suzaku tighter. For some reason he found it a lot easier to be vulnerable around Suzaku than anybody else he had ever known. “Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I had stayed dead. It feels like I don’t belong here anymore”

Suzaku patted his shoulder. “If it’s any consolation, your coming back is making things a lot better for me.”

He smiled weakly, “That’s something.” 

“Trust me, I know what it feels like to believe the world is better off without you. But just like you keep telling me I need to exist for you, I need you to exist for me.”

Lelouch laughed quietly, “We make quite the pair, two dead men.”

“Yeah, we do.” Suzaku smiled, then considered for a moment and frowned a little. “Were you alive at your funeral? Awake? Faking it?” 

“Not really. I don’t think so anyway... If I was I don’t remember it. I woke up later than that...”

“That was the last time I saw you, before you came back.”

“I bet that was strange,” he chuckled, “I was finally quiet, something you were always shouting at me for when we lived together... way back when.”

Suzaku’s hand curled into a fist on his shoulder. “Don’t joke about it. Seeing you like that was...” He drew in a breath, “Bad.”

Lelouch kissed him softly. “I’m sorry... it just... makes it easier, you know? I really...  _ really _ don’t like thinking about it.”

“I had to wait until everyone else was gone before I was allowed to mourn.” He said quietly. “I couldn’t let you go without taking some time to do it.” 

Lelouch let out a quiet half sob, “Even when I thought you hated me... I’m so, so sorry...”

Suzaku pressed his face into Lelouch’s neck. “It had to be done. We both knew that.”

Lelouch’s quiet laugh was choked and full of bitterness. “I know, it doesn’t make it hurt any less... I have no right to be upset, God knows I had it coming. It had to be worse for you; at least I wasn’t around for the first bit.”

“Is it weird if I say you were beautiful even then?”

His laugh was real this time. “Just a bit.”

“It’s true.” Suzaku drew patterns against his bare shoulder absently. 

Lelouch swatted him. “You sap.”

“I’m allowed to say it.” Suzaku climbed on top of him, straddling him and looking down at him. “I think you’re beautiful, Lelouch vi Britannia, and nothing can change that.” Lelouch flushed and looked away, biting his bottom lip. He settled his hands on Suzaku’s hips, completely focused on the weight pinning him to the bed. “But you probably don’t need me to tell you that. I’m far from the first attention you’ve had.” Suzaku murmured, running his hands over Lelouch’s chest. 

“Maybe not,” His breath came in a huff, “You are the only one I care about though.”

“Really? You seemed to like Shirley a lot. And there was definitely something between you and C.C.” 

“Okay, I cared about Shirley… a lot, but... It wasn’t the same as this.” He didn’t want to think about her, not right now, so instead he focused his attention on Suzaku, stroking down his sides, “and C.C... well, who knows with her? Most of the time I spent with her was confusing for one reason or another.”

“Are you gay, Lelou?” 

Lelouch bumped his hips up into Suzaku, his tone scathingly sarcastic, “Not at all, I’m very heterosexual.”

Suzaku gave him a deadpan look. “You know what I mean. Like... I’m into both. Are you? Or are you just into guys?” 

“You ask this now?! You are literally on top of me!” He teased, “I knew you liked both... or do you just like Britannian royalty? You might be ‘x Britannia-sexual’... I like... guys mostly but not exclusively? I’ve never really thought about it too hard. I suppose I’ve been interested in girls before but never really enough to do anything about it.” He would not think about Shirley and that kiss they’d shared in the rain. Not now. The memory went firmly in the locked safe of ‘things we don’t think about’.

Suzaku flushed a bit, and looked away. “Is it weird that I had feelings for your sister?” 

Oh, well now that was a turn off in a completely different way. “...It is now.”

“Sorry.” Suzaku covered his face with his hand. “I’m not very good at this, am I?”

Lelouch reached up and grabbed his arm, pulling the hand away from his face and kissing it. “Not really, but then again neither am I.”

“I guess we’re both kind of figuring it out as we go along.” He smiled awkwardly.

Lelouch tried to sit up a couple of times before giving up and tugging on Suzaku’s arm “We’re not doing  _ too _ badly, I don’t think. Now stop thinking and come here.”

“Mmkay.” Suzaku leaned down and kissed him slowly. That was something he could do. Lelouch responded by gasping into the kiss and raking his nails down Suzaku’s back, kissing him back hard. Suzaku moaned softly, the feeling of Lelouch’s nails on his back making him feel warm inside. “God... keep doing that...” He breathed against Lelouch’s lips. Lelouch scratched harder, pulling Suzaku down onto him and kissing down his neck, leaving marks across his collarbones. Suzaku let out a shaky breath, getting turned on just by that. “Lelou...” Smiling into Suzaku’s skin, he decided to try something new and gently bit down on Suzaku’s shoulder. Suzaku stiffened, the sensation making his cock jump where it was restrained in his shorts. “Do that again...” Lelouch bit down harder, loving the way it made Suzaku shudder. He moaned again, louder this time. “Lelouch... I want you...” 

Lelouch froze, looking up at the other boy. “Suzaku...” he gulped, “Are you... do you... now?” His voice came out in a squeak. 

Suzaku looked down at him, the flush across his cheeks a combination of arousal and embarrassment. “No! I mean, yes, but... I know it takes a lot of- of preparation, and we’re not ready, and I just meant... I want to touch you. I want you to touch me. When- if we go all the way, it’ll be special. We’ll make a thing out of it. I promise.” 

Lelouch looked relieved, “I want to do it too... just... not yet.” He looked away, equally embarrassed, “I... I want to touch you too.”

“I’m gonna strip now, okay?” Suzaku asked, sitting up a bit. 

Lelouch nodded and waited for Suzaku to get off him completely before following him and removing his final item of clothing. This time he didn’t turn away. Suzaku tossed his shorts aside and went over to Lelouch, pulling him close with his hands on his waist and shivering a little when his cock brushed Lelouch’s hip. “Much better, don’t you think?” 

Lelouch gasped at the sensation, running his hands down Suzaku’s back to rest on his ass. Smirking, he pulled Suzaku towards him, grinding slowly against him.  A soft noise escaped Suzaku as his body made contact with Lelouch’s, and he rested his forehead on his, eyes closed. “That feels good...” 

Lelouch kissed him, slowly guiding Suzaku as he walked backwards, until his back hit the wall. He  flinched at the temperature difference which caused his hips to thrust into Suzaku’s. Suzaku gasped against his lips, pinning him to the wall and pushing his thigh up between Lelouch’s, dipping his tongue into Lelouch’s mouth. Lelouch responded by opening his mouth wider, letting his tongue twine with Suzaku’s. It felt strange but sent a warm feeling through his entire body regardless. Lelouch ground against Suzaku’s hip, desperate for some relief, so achingly hard it was almost painful. 

Suzaku made out with him for a while, before giving in and reaching down between them, taking both of their cocks in one hand and stroking them, soft gasps escaping him. His other arm rested on the wall from wrist to elbow beside Lelouch’s head, keeping him steady as he wound them both up. Lelouch threw his head back hard enough that it cracked against the wall. “Fuck... don’t stop!” 

Suzaku leaned in to nip at his throat as he stroked them both, rocking his hips to partially grind against him. Lelouch felt his knees grow weak, scrabbling at Suzaku’s back to keep himself upright. He couldn’t stop himself from thrusting  into Suzaku’s grip, loving the feeling of their cocks together. Suzaku pushed him against the wall hard, his hand sandwiched between them as he got them both off. “Lelou...” He breathed raggedly into Lelouch’s ear, just wanting to say his name. 

“Suzaku!” The word was barely more than a gasp, his head falling forward onto Suzaku’s shoulder, feeling the vibrations of Suzaku’s arm working both of them. The heat in Lelouch’s groin spiked as Suzaku twisted his hand around them causing his cock to pulse against Suzaku’s. He gasped again, biting down hard on Suzaku’s shoulder to muffle the sound. 

Suzaku shuddered and groaned, the sharp spike of pain only adding to his pleasure. “Gonna... gonna come, Lelou...” 

Lelouch was also on the edge, spots dancing at the corners of his vision. He lent up to whisper in Suzaku’s ear, biting the lobe sharply. “Come for me Suzaku.”

Suzaku gave a soft cry, his hips bucking sharply a few times as he came, painting both of their stomachs with white. Lelouch followed, almost immediately adding to the mess, the warm sensation of Suzaku’s cum hitting his skin enough to set him off. He barely managed to remain upright, collapsing against Suzaku. Suzaku kept them both up as he leaned against the wall, panting heavily. “Daisuki, Lelou...” He panted, his mind a fog of satisfaction and affection as he traced Lelouch’s jaw with his lips. 

Lelouch jerked at Suzaku’s words and reached up to run his fingers through Suzaku’s hair. He tripped over the pronunciation slightly as he spoke. “Daisuki Kururugi Suzaku.” Suzaku laughed softly - breathlessly - and kissed him. It was messy and uncoordinated but full of genuine affection and... for the first time in a while, genuine happiness. 

Lelouch smiled into the kiss, stroking Suzaku’s back. After a while he pushed Suzaku back, making a face as the drying cum tried to stick them together. “We need a shower.”

“Yeah... we do.” Suzaku mused, looking down at the mess. “I’m afraid there’s not much space in my shower, both of us in there might be tight.”

“It’s your call? I’m up to try.” Lelouch shrugged and tried to ignore said mess. 

“Alright.” Suzaku nodded. “Come on.” He headed to the shower, taking Lelouch by the hand. Lelouch let himself be led, loving the feeling of Suzaku’s hand in his. Not that he would ever admit that. He was constantly amazed at the turn in his life. Only a few weeks before he’d been ruling the largest empire in the world and preparing to die and now he was here... 

Suzaku started the water, testing the temperature. He smiled back at Lelouch. “You think we’ll fit?” 

Lelouch grinned, “We can certainly try.”

Suzaku stepped in, pushing his hair back out of his face as the water ran over it. “Come on then.” Lelouch stepped into the shower, shaking his head when his hair directed water straight into his eyes. It was a tight squeeze but there was enough room for the two of them to stand and not be pressed together. Suzaku retrieved the soap and lathered it up in his hands before reaching over and cleaning the mess off of Lelouch’s stomach with gentle touches. Lelouch leaned against the wall of the shower and let Suzaku clean him. It was very intimate and while the closeness unnerved him slightly he was glad he’d suggested it. Lelouch took the soap from Suzaku and started to wash him, running his hands across his chest and down his abs. Their bodies were slippery and Lelouch dropped the soap several times before managing to clean Suzaku to his satisfaction. Suzaku watched him fumble with it, smiling in fond amusement. Once they were both clean, Suzaku pushed Lelouch’s wet hair from his face and stole a kiss. 

Lelouch kissed him back, trailing kisses and small bites across his jaw and down his neck, feeling Suzaku’s slick skin give under his teeth. Little gasps and sounds escaped Suzaku, and he braced himself with one hand against the wall. “You’re going to wind me up again if you keep doing that.” 

“Do you want me to wind you up?” Lelouch murmured, smiling into the wet skin at Suzaku’s throat. 

“Can you go another round?”

Lelouch looked at him, his expression coy. “I guess we’ll just have to find out.”

Suzaku smiled and kissed him again, more passionately this time. Lelouch bit Suzaku’s lower lip, reaching up to tangle his hands in Suzaku’s wet hair. He made a sound of surprised arousal, grinding against Lelouch’s hip and broke the kiss to murmur in Lelouch’s ear, “We’re going to get dirty again, aren’t we?”

Lelouch laughed. “We  _ are  _ still in the shower... can you get dirty in the shower?”

“Good question...”

“Do you want to try” he smirked at Suzaku. 

“Definitely.” Suzaku breathed, reaching down to cup Lelouch’s ass. Lelouch pushed back into the contact with a low moan as his fingers teased Suzaku’s nipples, stroking them into firmness despite the warmth of the shower. Suzaku hissed softly, and leaned in to bite at his neck gently, trailing kisses over his collar. “Is there enough space in here to kneel?”

A bolt of heat shot through Lelouch at Suzaku’s words. “Oh god... try...”

Suzaku dropped to his knees, his feet braced against the wall behind him as he leaned in and nuzzled his hip. He took Lelouch into his hand, stroking him hard and took just the head into his mouth, teasing him with his tongue. 

“Fuck!” Lelouch panted and grabbed Suzaku’s hair, the water running down his body served only to make him hotter. Suzaku had to close his eyes against the water dripping down his face, bobbing his head back and forth as he massaged what he couldn’t get in his mouth. Lelouch’s breaths became harsh moans escaping as he panted, trying desperately not to buck into Suzaku’s mouth. Suzaku knew roughly what to do this time, and used his tongue to tease all the sensitive spots he’d found previously, pushing the tip of his tongue against the slit and swallowing when it was as far back in his throat as he could take it. 

“I can’t... Suzaku!” Lelouch shouted and tightening his hold on Suzaku’s hair when he felt him swallow around him, “Oh... Oh god... I’m... I’m close!” Suzaku reached down to stroke himself with his free hand as he repeated the motion, the sounds Lelouch was making getting to him and turning him on awfully. “Hey... I want to... don’t... Oh god... Suzaku I’m...” Lelouch came with a shriek, shaking so hard he could barely remain upright. Suzaku took as much as he could in his mouth before pulling back, coughing. He got a little bit on his chin, and wiped it off with his palm as he calmed his breathing, grateful for the running water. He leaned forward again and kissed Lelouch’s hip before standing up, wincing a little when his knees complained. Lelouch untangled his hands from Suzaku’s hair with difficulty, the wet strands clinging to his fingers. He leant against the wall, trembling. “Just... give me a second and I’ll... I’ll... do... you...”

“I got you good, huh?” Suzaku asked with a smile. “Need help staying upright?”

“I wouldn’t object... you... that... was incredible... so hot...” Lelouch was struggling to get his breath back. 

“Good.” Suzaku smiled, wrapping his arms around Lelouch’s waist and encouraging him to lean on him. 

Lelouch all but collapsed into Suzaku’s arms, almost sliding off him due to the water making everything slippery. “Nearly there... give me one more minute.”

Suzaku chuckled, holding him up. “I don’t know whether to be proud of myself or concerned for your health.”

“Be proud... be very proud... okay I think... I’m good.”

“Yeah?” Suzaku loosened his grip a bit, letting Lelouch reestablish his footing. 

“Yeah.” he lowered himself to the floor of the shower slowly, trying to avoid falling. Looking up he got a face full of Suzaku’s cock. Lelouch took hold of it, pumping his hand up and down a few times. He looked up at Suzaku, eyes blown with desire. “You ready?”

Suzaku had made in instinctual sound of pleasure when Lelouch touched him, and braced his back against the wall as he looked down at him. “Yeah. Do it.”

Lelouch wrapped his lips around the head of Suzaku’s cock and sucked hard, his tongue probing the slit. He pulled off to kiss down the sides of his cock, licking down the vein on the underside. Bracing one hand on Suzaku’s hip allowed the other to stroke lightly over his balls, rolling them in his hand. Suzaku pressed his head back against the wall, feeling weak in the knees. His panting was rapid and shallow, the flush on his cheeks spreading to his chest as he got more and more wound up. He muttered under his breath in Japanese, fingers tangling in Lelouch’s wet hair. Lelouch moved back up, tonguing the underside of Suzaku’s cock as he took it into his mouth. He licked over the head before taking him deeper, managing to get about half of it into his mouth. Lelouch swallowed around it several times in quick succession before bobbing his head and sucking hard on the tip again. 

Suzaku felt dizzy. How much had Lelouch learned in such a short time? He moaned aloud, his hips twitching with the restrained need to thrust into his mouth. He wasn’t going to last if Lelouch kept that up, and he voiced as much. “Lelou... feels... gonna come soon...” Lelouch moaned and sucked harder in response, bobbing his head and swallowing repeatedly, swirling his tongue around the head and massaging his balls. He looked up at Suzaku, knowing he must look absolutely depraved. Watching Lelouch was too much for him to handle. To avoid a repeat of last time, he let go of Lelouch’s hair, bracing himself with both hands on the wall as he came with a ragged cry, reining in the sharp bucking of his hips as much as he could. Lelouch was also more prepared and pulled off slightly so only the head of Suzaku’s cock remained in his mouth. He swallowed quickly, his hand still pumping, stroking Suzaku through his orgasm. Eventually he pulled off and rested his head on Suzaku’s hip, “That was... much... better... than last time...” he struggled to move, “I think... I’m stuck... down here...”

Suzaku was panting with his head back against the wall, but when Lelouch said that he looked down, amused. “You want a hand?” He asked, slightly breathless. Lelouch took it, slowly struggling off the floor of the shower. Once he was finally upright he collapsed against Suzaku, water pouring down both of them. “We didn’t get too messy...” Suzaku commented. “But my water bill is going to hate me...”

Lelouch kissed him, completely forgetting where their mouths had been. “I can help you pay now if you want... I mean... You want me to stay here right?”

“Yeah... do you still have access to your money?”

“Somehow... I think C.C. did something...”

“That’s good. I have all my money in an anonymous account.”

“I’ve probably got the same thing... I don’t know... I really should have checked by now.” Lelouch pushed himself off Suzaku to lean against the wall instead. 

“Probably a good idea. Shall we get out of the shower?”

Lelouch laughed, he’d got so used to the sensation of water falling on them that it didn’t really register anymore. He reached out and turned it off before stepping out, trying to stop his legs from shaking. Suzaku joined him, fetching them both a towel. They dried themselves quickly before Lelouch left in search of clothes, returning only in a fresh pair of briefs and Suzaku’s grey hoodie. He handed Suzaku a bundle, leaning over to kiss him before crossing to the sink. After watching Lelouch strut about for a bit Suzaku studied what he’d been given, he was surprised by how much he liked seeing Lelouch dressed like that. Lelouch turned to face him, hands on his hips in exasperation. “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to get dressed?”

“Sorry.” Suzaku did as he was told. “You look good in my hoodie.” 

Lelouch dragged his eyes down Suzaku’s body before flipping his hair out of his eyes and smirking. “I know.” 

When he was done getting dressed, Suzaku sorted out his hair in front of the mirror and kissed Lelouch’s cheek. Lelouch finished cleaning his teeth and leant into Suzaku “What do you want to do now?”

“Normally I’d find some way to do exercise, but something tells me that’s not your thing. I don’t really know... there’s not much to do around here.”

Lelouch just knew he was going to regret this. In fact had Suzaku not just completely blown his mind he would never even think it. Sex was dangerous. “Why don’t we rest for a bit and then we can try this... exercise thing.” 

Suzaku gave Lelouch a look. “Really?” 

Lelouch was becoming increasingly frustrated, “Yes really. It’s not like it can kill me.” He didn’t relish the prospect but would do it for Suzaku.

“Alright. I’m proud of you. Working out is good for you.” He smiled. “There’s a gym I go to nearby that seems to be fairly empty. No one’s recognised me there yet, and I’ve been a few times now.” 

Lelouch already regretted it but his pride would not let him back out now. After all it was only fair that he showed interest in Suzaku’s hobbies after Suzaku had played chess with him (several times now.). “Okay, but first we rest.”

“Alright.” Suzaku chuckled. “You wanna watch something?” 

They walked through to the lounge where Lelouch threw himself onto the sofa, his long limbs sprawled out. “You can choose”

Suzaku found the controller and perched on the edge of the sofa as he flicked through the channels. He found some junk to put on and pushed at Lelouch’s shoulder. “Make room.” Lelouch sat up slowly to let Suzaku sit down before collapsing straight back on top of him. Suzaku laughed and started playing with his hair. 

Lelouch leaned into the touch. “Moving is overrated, you are very comfy.”

“Thank you.” Suzaku let him do what he wanted, enjoying having him in his lap. Lelouch slowly fell asleep, Suzaku’s touch was soothing and he was warm and comfortable. Suzaku noticed that he’d fallen asleep, but didn’t disturb him, letting him nap. Lelouch began to stir a couple of hours later and sat up, blinking blearily around the room. 

“You fell asleep.” Suzaku told him with a smile. “I must have worn you out.”

Lelouch chuckled and stretched, there had been no nightmares bad enough to wake him up. “You definitely did your best.” 

“Yeah. Feeling better?” 

He leaned over to kiss Suzaku. “I am now”

“Good. I need to get into my workout clothes.”

Lelouch was suddenly and painfully reminded of his earlier suggestion and looked awkward “I don’t have any of those...”

“You can wear some of mine. I’ve got loads.” 

He snorted, “Of course you do.”

“Come on. We’ll find something that fits you.” Lelouch followed him into their room and sat down on the bed, regretting everything. Suzaku tossed a set of workout clothes for himself over the chair and then looked for something for Lelouch. “Here, try these.” He offered, finding a clean set and holding them out.

Lelouch looked at the light blue top and black shorts, they weren’t awful. He shrugged, he’d made his bed and now he had to lie in it. Fortunately they fit fine, the shirt was slightly too big and hung off him but it was Suzaku’s so that was to be expected. He pulled the hoodie back on over the workout clothes. “I don’t think I’ve worn anything of mine save underwear for two days.”

“I like you in my clothes.” Suzaku told him. “Besides, isn’t it nice to wear something comfortable for a change?” He teased. 

Lelouch was indignant but responded playfully. “Excuse you I’ll have you know I find all of my clothes comfortable!” 

Suzaku scoffed. “That’s a lie and you know it. Unless by ‘comfortable’ you mean ‘knows he’s the fanciest dressed person in the room and loves it’.”

“Wow, I feel strangely called out.” 

“Mmhmm.” Suzaku walked through to the kitchen and filled up two water bottles, one for himself and one for Lelouch. “You good to go?”

Lelouch sighed dramatically. “As I’ll ever be I suppose.”

Suzaku chuckled and pressed the bottle into his hand. “You’ll survive. Just don’t get all grumpy when you can’t keep up with me, alright?” 

Lelouch grumbled, “I never could keep up with you.”

“Your strong suit is your mind. Mine is my body. I would be just as likely to beat you at chess as you would be to beat me in a race.” Suzaku led them out of the apartment and locked the door behind them. “Come on.”

Lelouch trailed after Suzaku, mentally berating himself for suggesting the whole thing. “How hard can it be?” He mumbled under his breath. 

Suzaku led him to the gym and signed them both in - himself under a pseudonym, and Lelouch as a guest. “Right. Start with a run? Get the heart rate up?” 

“My heart rates already up, we just walked here.” He sniped before following Suzaku to the treadmills. 

“Lelou, a brisk walk is not a workout.” Suzaku teased, setting up his own personalised routine. “Just do what you can, okay? Pick something you can run at, and keep going for... I don’t know. Ten minutes. That’s fairly easy.” 

Lelouch gaped at him, “Fairly easy for you anyway.” Suzaku had set his initial speed at 14kmph so Lelouch opted for 12 thinking that it couldn’t be too hard. Suzaku glanced over and smiled softly, rolling his eyes a little. He wouldn’t say anything. He’d just let Lelouch find his limits on his own, because otherwise, knowing him he’d push himself too hard just for the sake of pride. Lelouch very quickly realised that 12kmph was not going to happen and put it down to 10 - still a struggle. 

Suzaku pushed himself a little further, going up to 16 for a bit before slowing down to take a breather. He glanced over to check the progress Lelouch was making, and smiled. His boyfriend was certainly no athlete, but at least he was trying. Wow. His boyfriend. Suzaku had to double check himself at that thought before kicking the speed back up and putting the water bottle down.

Lelouch was dying. It was official. This was hell. He’d kicked the speed down again to 8.5 which was bearable. Suzaku made it look so easy it was demoralising. Suzaku ran until he hit 4k, and figured that was probably enough for the day. He could go a lot longer, but he decided to take pity on Lelouch and started his cooldown. Lelouch saw Suzaku hit the cool down button and and immediately stopped. He was exhausted, breath coming in harsh pants. Suzaku rolled his eyes and leaned over to start him at a walk. “You can’t just stop or else you’ll suffer tomorrow.” He pointed out. “You have to do a cooldown.” Lelouch glared at him but kept walking anyway. Suzaku kept going until it stopped, and took a drink. “So how was that? Not about to keel over?”

Lelouch felt disgusting and exhausted but for some inexplicable reason he wanted to make Suzaku… proud. He was sure his reassuring smile looked more like a grimace. “Sure that was...” he struggled for a word that was not overwhelmingly negative, “...it could have been worse.” privately he disagreed with that. 

Suzaku patted him on the shoulder. “I’m proud of you. Now then, how do you feel about weights?” 

Lelouch looked at him blankly, “I have very few feelings about weights but they sound pretty horrific. But hey you know what I’m here now I may as well suffer more.”

“Don’t worry. I know you’ve never lifted one in your life, so I’ll start you off on the easy stuff. Free weights or one of the machines?”

“Honestly I have no idea what you are talking about. You are the expert.” He shrugged, they both sounded awful. 

“Alright. Come here.” Suzaku led him over to the weight rack and picked out a couple of fives. They were easy, so Lelouch should be able to manage them... right? “Here. Tell me what you think about these.” He put one of them in Lelouch’s hand. 

Lelouch’s hand dropped immediately but he gritted his teeth and held on tightly to the weight. “It’s fine.”

“Mm. Should have warned you.” Suzaku mused. “Alright. Try doing ten with that.” He found his own, which were much, much heavier. He showed Lelouch the technique and then started, focusing entirely on giving Lelouch tips and showing him exactly how to do it, unaware of how it made his own defined muscles stand out.

Lelouch had stopped listening and was just watching Suzaku move. The boy was a marvel of physical perfection and Lelouch was constantly impressed that he was his boyfriend. Eventually he registered that Suzaku had stopped talking, “Erm, can you repeat that?”

Suzaku, completely oblivious to Lelouch’s predicament, rolled his eyes. “Try to keep your body still and don’t use your weight to lift. Make sure it’s your arm doing all the work. Like this.” He demonstrated again. “So you do two sets of ten each - three if two doesn’t do the trick, and then another two sets like this.” He demonstrated another exercise. “And remember, if it hurts you’re doing it right.” 

“Okay...” Lelouch tried a few,  it wasn’t hideously difficult but he could feel the burn. What really made it worth it was the view, Suzaku was gorgeous. Once he was done with his sets, Suzaku put the weights down and stretched, his shirt riding up a little. He left Lelouch to go do some pull ups, just to see how many he could do. Lelouch saw Suzaku leave and immediately gave up in the middle of his second set. His arms hurt so he considered that successful by Suzaku’s standards. Watching Suzaku covertly he all but groaned as he began his pull ups, God that boy was stunning. 

Suzaku counted under his breath, and dropped down after a while, panting and shaking his arms out to get rid of the burn. “You done?” He asked. “Normally I’d stick to just doing arms today, but we can switch it up and do a full body thing if you can’t do several arm exercises in a row.” 

Lelouch mentally shook himself. “No, this is fine...”

“Alright then.” Suzaku looked pleased. “Can you do push-ups?”

“I can try.” There was a small voice in his head that sounded like C.C laughing at him. 

“I’m sure I don’t need to teach you how.” Suzaku said, finding a mat and dropping to the floor. Lelouch just watched him for a moment before realising that Suzaku was waiting for him. He got down onto the mat with considerably less finesse than Suzaku but found the position just fine. He hadn’t even tried a press-up yet and his arms were already shaking, it was pathetic. “Just try ten.” Suzaku told him, already having started, his breathing measured and a thin sheen of sweat on his brow. Dragging his attention away from Suzaku he focused on the task. The trembling in his arms did not give him confidence. He bent his arms, dropping so that his torso was hovering just off the floor like Suzaku had demonstrated. With extreme difficulty he straightened his arms again, already breathing hard. The trembling had intensified and Lelouch was sure he’d barely make 2 let alone 10. Suzaku was still going strong beside him, feeling the burn but wanting more of it. “Try putting your knees on the ground. That makes it easier.” 

Lelouch’s pride persisted and he kept his knees off the floor until he collapsed, unable to push back up out of the third press-up. Ashamed, he left his knees on the floor and tried it Suzaku’s way which was easier although not by much. He finally got through ten and collapsed. If he ever moved again it would be too soon. This was like a nightmare and he was sure Suzaku had more torture in store. Suzaku finished his set and sat on the floor, laughing softly as he watched Lelouch lying face down on the mat. He patted Lelouch’s back consolingly. “You did good. I’m proud of you. But I think we should switch to something else, yeah?” 

Lelouch lifted one hand to wave him off. “Sure... just give me a second.”

“Okay.” Suzaku sat next to him, giving himself a breather too. After about 5 minutes, Lelouch rolled over. 

“What torture have you planned next?” 

Suzaku laughed. “Abs. I promise sit ups are easier than push ups.” 

Lelouch didn’t believe him; now every time Suzaku said something was easy he automatically rephrased it to mean almost impossible. 

“I use the bench, but you can stay on the mat. You might want to find something to weigh down your feet.” 

“I might... you know what whatever I may as well do this. It can’t get much worse.” He dragged a weight over to the mat and pushed his feet under it, wincing when it crushed them. He’d never really done a sit up before except for the times when he was cornered in gym class when he was much younger - before he started skipping it. They proved to be doable but hurt like absolute hell. “I’m proud of you.” Suzaku grinned. “Sets of twenty. Let’s go.” He found himself a suitable weight and climbed onto the bench, leaning back and looking at Lelouch upside down. “You good to go?” 

“Twenty?!” He collapsed back to the mat, “You are mad.”

“Nah. They’re not that bad, promise.” He took a breath and started, holding the weight to his front as he did so.

Lelouch watched him for a moment before focusing on his own sit ups. They were hard, much harder than he had previously thought, but he made it through the set. He was dripping with sweat and felt disgusting. “‘Not that bad’... such bullshit.”  

Suzaku did three sets before putting the weight aside and getting his breath back, damp hair clinging to his skin. He carefully climbed off the bench and retrieved his water bottle. “How was that? Manageable?”

Lelouch glared at him from the floor, “You are insane.”

He chuckled. “You get used to it. When I first joined the military, training was torture. Over time it got easier and easier though, and now here we are.” 

“Yes we all know you look like a god. Help me up.” He held an arm up in front of him, even that small motion was painful. 

“I do not look like a god.” Suzaku retorted, though he clasped his hand in Lelouch’s and pulled him up. 

“Debatable.” Lelouch murmured, “How long does this pain last?”

“The initial burn goes away in a few minutes. You’ll wake up sore tomorrow, though, and that can last a couple days.” 

Lelouch seriously considered just giving up and never doing this again for the millionth time since they had started. “Well that sounds fantastic. What do I have to do now?”

“How about something for your legs? You don’t have to do it with the barbell if you don’t want to.” He gestured at the equipment in question. 

“You know what, I’m going to hate it anyway so you may as well just show me.”

“Alright.” Suzaku went over and added a few weights to either end before hoisting it onto his shoulders and showing Lelouch a proper squat, grunting a little with the effort. “Like that.”

Lelouch just stared at Suzaku’s ass, mentally congratulating himself for the fact that that ass was his and his alone. 

“Lelouch?” Suzaku asked, replacing the barbell and turning back to him. 

Lelouch snapped to attention, “What?”

“Were you paying attention at all?” He asked, eyebrow raised. 

“Yes?”

“Excellent. Then you’ll know exactly what to do. Weights or no weights?”

Lelouch blanched, “No weights. Definitely no weights.”

“Alright. You can put your hands on your hips or out in front, whatever helps you keep your balance better.” He patted Lelouch’s shoulder. “I’m gonna do my set, okay?” He turned his back to Lelouch again to resume the exercise. 

Lelouch had no idea what Suzaku was talking about but tried to copy him as best he could. Watching the other boy was so tempting but he persevered and completed his set, far slower than Suzaku. The squats weren’t awful but his thighs were burning anyway. 

Once he was done, even Suzaku was trembling a little. He replaced the bar with a sigh of relief and stretched, making his shoulder crack. “Much better.” He sighed. “I think that’ll do for today, don’t you?”

“Definitely!” He was sure that sheer and utter relief was written across his face but he did not care. 

Suzaku laughed aloud. “You did good. Stretch it out, and we’ll go.” 

Lelouch followed Suzaku through the stretches, surprised at his own flexibility. “Can we take a taxi back or do we have to walk again?” He couldn’t remember ever being this tired. 

“It wasn’t that far to walk. You can make it.” Lelouch groaned but didn’t protest- he was doing this for Suzaku, not for himself, after all. 

“Alright, come on.” Suzaku stood up, and pulled Lelouch up with him. “Just a little bit more and then we’re home.”

Lelouch blanched again before realising that the ‘more’ was the walk home and Suzaku was not going to make him do another hellish exercise. They left together and started on the walk home, Suzaku pushing his damp hair back from his forehead. 

“Thank you for coming with me. I know it’s not your thing, but it was nice to have someone to go with.”

Lelouch was mostly focused on putting one foot in front of the other. “No problem, it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated.” A blatant lie but he wanted it to seem like he wasn’t completely useless. 

“So you won’t mind going again in a couple days’ time?” Suzaku asked with a little smile, calling his bluff. 

Lelouch’s steps faltered but he gave no other indication of objection. “We’ll see.”

“I look forward to it.” 

“I don’t.”

Suzaku laughed. “Hey, if you’re that sore I’ll give you a massage when we get home, okay?”

Lelouch groaned and tried not too look to eager, “That would be amazing...”

“There we go. Silver linings.”

Lelouch’s walking sped up a fraction now that he had something to look forward to, sliding his hand into Suzaku’s. Suzaku was happy to let him, lacing their fingers as he half-walked and half-dragged Lelouch back to the apartment. When they got there, Lelouch collapsed onto the sofa. “It’s official. I’m never moving again.”

Suzaku patted his head comfortingly. “It gets better, I promise.”

Lelouch threw an arm across his face, “Well it couldn’t possibly get worse.”

“You’re such a drama queen.” Suzaku teased. “I’m gonna go shower. And I’m not gonna spend hours in there this time.” 

Lelouch waved him off. “Begone and leave me to suffer.”

“Yes, your Highness.” Suzaku poked him gently and left him on the sofa to go wash off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daisuki is an informal Japanese way of saying 'I love you' and is often used between friends. It does not carry the same weight as Aishiteru or the traditional 'I love you' in a serious relationship. Aishiteru is a very serious way of declaring your love and is reserved for big gestures of romance such as a marriage proposal. It is so serious that many married couples do not use it. It is however - progress.


	9. Everyone's Good at Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Suzaku gets to show off, sometimes it's Lelouch's turn. There are some things, however, that both are good at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's strange to see these two being so... domestic. I'm sure that'll last... right?

Lelouch could barely remember a time when his muscles hurt this much. He deliberately avoided thinking about how painful dying had been. He probably couldn’t get off the sofa if he tried- which he didn’t want to. Suzaku stuck his head out of the bedroom door five minutes later, a towel around his waist. “All yours.” Lelouch dragged himself up to go shower, his muscles screaming in protest as Suzaku busied himself with finding something to wear. Washing himself quickly, Lelouch tried to get the gross sweaty feeling off his skin as soon as possible. The hot water felt great on his aching body though, and when he was done he just stood under the shower for a long time. Memories of their earlier shower surfaced and Lelouch flushed, aroused despite himself. Suzaku was completely unaware of this, amused by how long Lelouch was taking as he sat on the bed on his phone, waiting. 

Eventually, Lelouch got out of the shower. He’d tried to end it with a cold blast in an attempt to get rid of his erection but he’d failed. He stood in front of the mirror, contacts out, looking possessed.  If Suzaku came in now... thinking of Suzaku did not help. He took a deep breath trying desperately to think of unsexy things like V.V. and Charles. While he was disgusted by those things, thoughts of Suzaku prevailed. He groaned, leaning his forehead against the mirror. He was too tired for this. 

“You alright in there?” Suzaku called out after a while. “You didn’t fall and injure yourself or something?”

“Hey! That’s not fair, why would you think I’d injure myself in the bathroom?! I’ll be out in a minute, just... just give me a second.”

“Alright.” Suzaku chuckled exasperatedly under his breath. 

Lelouch gave it a minute, he gave it 5 and it still wasn’t going away. He didn’t understand why. He’d done more things like  _ that _ in the last two days than he ever had before. 

Suzaku just let him do what he needed to, lying back. He wanted a drink, but since Lelouch had seemed less than enthusiastic about his drinking habits as of late he deemed that a bad idea. Even if there were ice cold beers in the fridge, something he’d either need to hide or throw away. 

Lelouch eventually conceded that it was not going to go away on its own and he might have to do something about it himself. He thought about going to Suzaku but quickly dismissed the idea- it was embarrassing enough already. Dropping the towel he took himself in hand and stroked firmly. It felt different now that he’d had someone else do it for him but it was still good. He leant back against the wall moaning as he continued to pump himself slowly.  

Suzaku thought he heard a noise and glanced up. “Lelou? You okay?”

Lelouch moaned again before hearing Suzaku. He froze, his cock was throbbing but he couldn’t let Suzaku think he was anything less than okay. He chanced speaking, “I’m... okay... oh...” it was a mistake. 

Suzaku frowned a little and went to the door. “Can I come in?” 

Lelouch jerked so suddenly that his head cracked back against the wall, “Shit!” He scrambled for the towel. 

“...Lelouch?” 

“I’m coming!” He pulled the towel around his hips, hissing when it brushed his swollen cock. Opening the door a little bit he stuck his head round it, “Did you want something?”

“Yeah, I wanted to know what’s going on. You’re taking forever and I heard you make a noise. Did you hurt yourself?”

Lelouch flushed, “No! I’m fine, could you just,” the towel shifted against his cock and he shuddered despite himself, hoping Suzaku hadn’t noticed he spoke again, “...give me a minute...”

Suzaku narrowed his eyes. “Something’s wrong. Tell me.”

Lelouch shut the door in Suzaku’s face and put his back to it, “Just go away...” he groaned. 

Suzaku was taken aback, and a little hurt. “Alright, fine. Just call if you need help.” He sighed, going back to the bed. 

Lelouch knew he’d been harsh but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Holding the towel to his face to muffle any noise he reached down to touch himself again. The relief was instant. He hadn’t spent a lot of time doing this before now but for the life of him he couldn’t understand why. His brain helpfully supplied images of Suzaku in the gym and he came hard. Absolutely exhausted he slid down the back of the door as his legs gave out. Suzaku laid on his front on the bed and tried not to let his mind run amok with reasons why Lelouch would slam the door in his face. 

A few minutes later Lelouch gathered himself off the floor and cleaned up. Quickly checking in the mirror he established that he looked more or less normal, he re-wrapped the towel around his hips and left the bathroom. Suzaku glanced up at him but didn’t comment. Lelouch got dressed quickly, grabbing the same grey hoodie as earlier before sitting down on the edge of the bed and poking at Suzaku. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Suzaku rested his chin on his arm, scrolling through his phone. 

Lelouch poked him again, “Bullshit.”

“If you’re fine, I’m fine.”

Lelouch backed off unsure of what he’d done, “Okay... this is weird. Why are you ignoring me?”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Lelouch flushed and turned his head away. He opened his mouth to speak but embarrassment took over and he shut it again. “Seriously, Lelou? What’s so bad you can’t tell me after everything we’ve done together?”

“I...Ugh... I...” he could barely talk. He felt utterly humiliated. 

“It’s fine, you don’t have to tell me.” Suzaku sighed, going back to his phone. 

Lelouch became frantic, Suzaku was ignoring him and he was not sure how to deal with it, “I, it was the shower... I... I’m sorry...”

“Did you break it or something?”

Lelouch’s blush deepened, “Not exactly... you know earlier when we... I... I couldn’t help it...”

Suzaku raised an eyebrow, and then laughed, relieved. “Lelouch, are you embarrassed because you got turned on in the shower?”

“I got more... than... turned...” he pulled a pillow over his face, unable to continue. 

“Did you jack off in the shower?”

“Ugh don’t just say it like that!” Lelouch all but squeaked from behind the pillow. 

“Why are you embarrassed by that? I literally had my mouth on your dick a few hours ago.”

Lelouch looked over the pillow. “You have no shame do you?”

“I think you have too much shame.”

He put the pillow down and laughed. “Maybe... I’m sure you’ll end up doing something about that at some point.” 

“I’m trying to.” Suzaku teased. “Are you still sore?” 

Lelouch looked at him, “Everything hurts.”

“Alright. I’ll make it up to you. Shirt off.” He sat up on the bed, making room for Lelouch to lie down. Lelouch took the hoodie off slowly, curious as to exactly what Suzaku had planned. Suzaku had him lie down on his front, sitting on top of him before starting to work the tension from his back and shoulders with strong hands. Lelouch was in heaven and relaxed into the bed, Suzaku’s hands felt amazing on his sore muscles. Suzaku worked all the way down to the base of his spine, and then back up again, making sure to get every single knot and sore spot. When he was done, he leaned down and kissed the back of Lelouch’s neck before climbing off. “Better?”

“Mmmm... Suzaku...” Lelouch couldn’t move. He had never been this relaxed in his whole life. He’d go to the gym every day if this was how it ended.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Suzaku smiled, laying down beside him. “That should help with the soreness.”

Lelouch cuddled into Suzaku, “I’m so glad I didn’t leave.”

“Me too. This is much better.”

“Mmm, much better.”

Suzaku put his arms around Lelouch and sighed contentedly. “I’m starting to get hungry... food?” Lelouch mumbled something that could have been an agreement. 

“I’m going to have to get up if you want me to make lunch.”

“You mean dinner right? We had lunch ages ago...” he swatted him, “Are you becoming senile in your old age?”

“Old age?” Suzaku scoffed, “Shut up. And yes, that’s what I meant. Food, of some description. Or we could order in, if you wanted. I know a good pizza place.”

Lelouch laughed, “First C.C. now you. Is everyone obsessed with pizza?”

“Pizza is good. Or we could get Chinese, if you wanted. Or Indian.” 

Lelouch shuddered, “I’ve had enough Chinese to last a lifetime, please no more rice.” 

Suzaku snickered. “Alright. No more of that.”

Lelouch sighed dramatically, “I suppose you could persuade me to eat pizza.”

“I still need to get to the phone.”

“Can’t you reach it from here with your freaky powers of fitness?”

“Unfortunately my freaky powers of fitness require actually being able to move my body.”

“Ugh, I don’t want to move.” 

“I know. But all you have to do is let go of me so I can go.”

“Ugh, why?” Lelouch groaned but moved over anyway. 

Suzaku pulled himself up and retrieved the phone, dialling the number by memory. Lelouch listened to the order, a part of him was incredibly happy that Suzaku had remembered his favourite. After he had ordered, Suzaku returned to his spot. “There. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Lelouch latched straight back onto him, “You have no idea.”

“You’re such a sucker for hugs, Lelou.” He mused, smiling. 

“Well maybe I just like holding you? You can’t leave if I do that.”

“Maybe.” Suzaku returned the hug. “Or I could just carry you places.”

“That’s okay with me. No walking... honestly ideal.”

“Of course. Why am I not surprised?”

“I don’t know, why aren’t you surprised?” He nudged him playfully. 

“Mm... because you’re a lazy and entitled prince who takes any opportunity to delegate his work to others.” Suzaku teased. 

Lelouch poked him, “Exactly!”

“And also because you have a weird fascination with my muscles.” 

Lelouch whacked him, “It is not weird! They and by definition you are mesmerising.” 

“Aaaand that’s exactly what I mean.” 

Lelouch blushed, “You don’t understand... probably because I don’t have any...” 

“Your attractiveness has nothing to do with your muscles, or your not having them. It’s all in your face. Your eyes, in particular.” 

Lelouch was surprised, “My eyes? But they’re weird and freaky and a reminder of everything you hate?”

“They’re yours.” Suzaku reminded him. “And they’re unique. Like you.” 

Lelouch buried his head in Suzaku’s neck, “I never knew you saw it like that it... it helps.”

“You don’t like them, do you?” 

“Honestly, no. It’s a reminder that I really don’t need. Along with this.” He traced the line of his Code under the hoodie, its shape and position memorised from long hours staring at it in the mirror, reminding himself he was still alive. 

Suzaku was quiet for a moment, stroking his hair absently. “I think we need a reminder. Because it’s important that we don’t forget what we did, or why we did it.” 

Lelouch hummed in agreement, “I just wish it wasn’t in my eyes, visible for everyone to see.”

“That’s why you have contacts. I like them too, by the way. Your natural colour.” 

Lelouch huffed, “I do too, I miss it. But I’m stuck with this forever now so I may as well get used to it.”

“Look at me.” Suzaku requested, tilting his head up with a finger. Lelouch obliged, meeting Suzaku’s gaze hesitantly. “You’re handsome regardless of your eyes. Because of them, even. Yeah, they might be a bit off putting to people who have never seen them before, but I’m used to it now and I’ve come to like it, because I associate it with you... and all the good that we did.” 

“I... I’m glad...” Lelouch laughed bitterly. “Someone has to like them.”

Suzaku kissed his forehead. “I’m glad I can help.”

“You’ve always helped.” Lelouch leaned up to kiss him properly and Suzaku returned the kiss, pulling him close. He went easily, gently holding Suzaku’s face with his free hand.

When they broke the kiss, Suzaku sighed contentedly, eyes closed. “You help me too. You know that, right?” 

Lelouch ran his hand through Suzaku’s hair “I had hoped I might.” 

“I’m not going to be fixed immediately, but... it’s easier to think about being fixed when you’re here.”

He leant down to kiss Suzaku before laying down mostly on top of him. “I’m glad you’re thinking about it now. I really am.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you.” Suzaku said quietly, arms wrapped around him. 

“Unless you plan on trying to make me do your exact gym routine then you won’t hurt me. I promise.”

Suzaku smiled a little. “You know what I mean. Besides, you physically couldn’t do my routine. Your muscles would literally stop working.” 

“It would hurt me, my point is proven.”

“Alright, yeah, it would. I think if I dropped that barbell on you it would flatten you.” 

Lelouch pressed himself into Suzaku, “I agree with that statement.”

Suzaku chuckled softly. “Then let’s not try that just yet.” 

“What? You honestly think I’m ever going to be able to do that?!”

“Maybe, with enough practice, and not so much weight put on the ends.” 

Lelouch scoffed and brushed the hair out of Suzaku’s eyes, “You’re delusional.”

“I am not delusional. It’s possible, if you put in the work.”

“Ugh, whatever.” Lelouch smiled into the skin of Suzaku’s neck, placing feather light kisses down from his jawline to his shoulder. 

Suzaku closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling. “That’s nice...” Feeling devious, Lelouch kissed back up Suzaku’s neck before biting his ear gently, smiling as Suzaku jumped. He kissed back down before pausing at the junction between Suzaku’s neck and shoulder, looking up briefly he bit down sharply. Suzaku’s grip on him tightened as he made a little sound under his breath. “Lelou... don’t tease...”

Lelouch went back to kissing him slowly, “What would you rather I do?” 

“Wait until the pizza’s here to turn me on again? Because I do not want to answer the door like that...”

Lelouch’s smile was wicked, “Oh, but what’s the fun in that?”

“If you get me all wound up, you’re going to get the pizza.” Suzaku narrowed his eyes. 

Lelouch giggled, “Oh that would end well. We’d probably lose the pizza for good.”

“You wouldn’t let me starve.” Suzaku pointed out. 

“But you wouldn’t like me to Geass the pizza guy.” He shrugged, “It’s your call.” 

“Why would you do that?” Suzaku asked, exasperated. 

“Well there's the issue of being recognised and do you actually  _ want _ to pay for the pizza?”

Suzaku slapped him on the arm. “I already paid, idiot. And you can’t not pay people for things, that’s dishonest.”

Lelouch looked at him, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “Oh I’m terrified. Dishonesty... how ever will I cope.”

“Lelou, you’re terrible. You’re a terrible human being and I hope you know that.” 

Lelouch chuckled, “I do know that. I’m a demon, remember?”

“I’ve tried so many times to teach you to be better, and it hasn’t done a thing, has it?” Suzaku lamented. 

Lelouch clambered on top of Suzaku, hands either side of his head, an evil grin on his face. “What? Do I detect you trying to manipulate me into being a better human? Oh Suzaku, haven’t you heard?” He leaned down so his lips hovered over Suzaku’s, “I’m evil.” 

Suzaku felt a little prickle of heat over him when Lelouch leaned in like that, and he wrapped his arms around Lelouch’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss, desperately wanting the contact. Lelouch gasped and all but collapsed onto Suzaku, threading his fingers through his hair. He loved feeling the length of Suzaku’s body against him. Suzaku held him close and kissed him breathless until he heard the doorbell. Breaking the kiss with a disgruntled sound, he tapped Lelouch on the shoulder. “Off. Food’s here.”

Lelouch rolled off Suzaku with a huff, “I see how it is! You prefer the pizza to me! That’s fine I’ll just stay here, alone.”

“Stop being a drama queen and get us some drinks, Lelou.” 

“Fine, fine.” He got off the bed slowly, pleased to notice that he felt nowhere near as sore as earlier.

Suzaku took half a moment to fix his mussed hair, and then went to open the door, thanking the delivery man and taking it through to the kitchen, his stomach growling. “Mm... smells divine.” He commented, setting it down on the table and opening the box. Lelouch had set the table for two and had even managed to find a candle from somewhere. They were just drinking water though; earlier when Suzaku was gone, he’d put all the unfinished bottles of alcohol away and hadn’t told Suzaku where they were. 

Suzaku chuckled a little as he sat down. “I’ve never had a romantic candlelit pizza before.”

Lelouch laughed and flicked him playfully, “There’s a first time for everything.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining.” 

Lelouch ate his pizza slowly, still not used to eating large amounts of food. He laughed when Suzaku tried to melt the cheese over the candle flame ‘for science’. Suzaku grinned. He liked making Lelouch laugh, even if it was over something stupid. 

After only three slices Lelouch pushed his plate towards Suzaku. “You can finish it if you want. I’m not really that hungry.”

“Really? Even after a workout?” Suzaku asked, already on his fifth slice. 

“Eh, I don’t need much.” He shrugged. 

“More for me.” Suzaku grinned, finishing the one he had. 

Lelouch sat back while he was impressed by how much Suzaku could eat, watching it made him feel slightly ill. 

Suzaku managed to finish it, eating seven slices in all and sighing contentedly as he sat back, full. “Much better.”

Lelouch shook his head fondly and started to clear the table.  Suzaku helped tidy up, washing up the plates and putting the empty box in the recycling. Once they were done, he went to the fridge- and frowned when he found his stash gone. “Lelou...” He asked a little warily. “Where are all my beers?”

“Oh I moved them. I didn’t think you’d be needing them anymore.” The look he gave Suzaku was pointed. 

Suzaku winced a little. “I’m allowed a drink, aren’t I?”

Lelouch wasn’t impressed and kept looking at Suzaku, not saying anything. 

Suzaku sighed, and closed the fridge. “Fine.” 

Lelouch smiled and walked up to him. “What do you want to do now?”

“I don’t know.” Suzaku ran his fingers through his hair. “We did a lot of what I want to do today. What about you?”

He shrugged, “I’ve done more today than I have in the past two weeks.”

Suzaku couldn’t help a little laugh. “Yeah, you have.” 

Lelouch snickered, “It honestly wasn’t hard.”

“Yeah... hey, we could play a card game or something. Knowing you, you can probably count cards or something though.” 

Lelouch put his hands on Suzaku’s shoulders and leaned in, “And what if I can?” He whispered. 

“I’d want you to show me... I don’t really have anything to bet with, though...”

Lelouch leaned back, “You. Mr look at my morals, want to learn to count cards?” 

“I don’t want to learn. I just want to watch you do it.”

“Well, how many packs of cards do you have?” Lelouch’s interest was piqued. 

“Uh... I don’t know. I can see how many I can find.”

“See if you can find 5, I want a challenge.”

“Alright.” Suzaku ran off to look, and managed to scavenge five packs from various drawers and cupboards. “They’ve all got different backs, sorry.” He apologised, putting them down on the table. 

He shrugged, it made it easier but Suzaku had tried. “Alright then. You’ll have to deal, if you want to watch me play. You know the rules, right?”

“Yeah, more or less.” Suzaku got all the cards out. He had to shuffle them in parts since there were so many, but eventually he set down a thoroughly shuffled deck in the centre of the table. 

Lelouch leant back in his chair and raised an eyebrow at Suzaku, “Since we’re not playing for money, we need stakes… Strip Blackjack?” 

Suzaku blushed a little, already knowing how this was going to end. “Is that even a thing?”

“We can make it a thing.” Lelouch told him with a wry smile.

“Sure, why not?” He sighed, resigning himself to his fate. It wasn’t like Lelouch hadn’t seen everything before.

Lelouch didn’t even have to try. He was only counting the cards because Suzaku had asked and he wanted a challenge but he really didn’t need to. Suzaku couldn’t bluff to save his life. “Oh I think I win again, how about your trousers this time?”

Suzaku gave him a look and stood up, shimmying out of his trousers and sitting back down in his boxers, crossing his arms. 

Lelouch smirked at him, waiting for him to begin the next round, “Is something wrong darling?”

Suzaku dealt, checked his face down card, and gave Lelouch a smile. “Nothing whatsoever.”

Lelouch doubled down, looking smug. 

Suzaku narrowed his eyes, and dealt him a third card. If he could just get one win in...

He laid down his cards, and pulled another two cards, until he had a total of eighteen. Lelouch smirked, “Checkmate. Off with the boxers then. I’ll give you one more hand to try and win.”

“Hey, you haven’t even shown me your cards yet!”

Lelouch raised an eyebrow, and put down a ten, an eight and a two. “I win.”

Suzaku swore, leaning back in his seat. Deciding to change tactics, he stripped off that last item of clothing and slid neatly onto Lelouch’s lap, his arms around Lelouch’s neck. “I guess you win...” 

Lelouch flushed and stuttered almost immediately, “I... What... Suzaku!”

“This was your goal, right?” Suzaku teased, leaning down and kissing his jaw. “You’re the master of planning ahead. This is exactly what you wanted, isn’t it?” 

Lelouch couldn’t think, “Uh...”

“Don’t tell me all that careful counting and planning can be blown out of the water with a few kisses.” Suzaku ran his fingers through Lelouch’s hair, sliding further forward as he straddled Lelouch’s lap. 

Lelouch wrapped his arms around Suzaku reflexively, he was incredibly distracted. “What... no...” 

“No?” Suzaku pulled his hair gently, making Lelouch look up at him. “So you still have a plan for what happens next?”

Trying desperately to cling to the last vestiges of reason, Lelouch spoke. “Uhh... no?” It did not go well. 

Suzaku smiled down at him. “So you started a game knowing you’d win, got all my clothes off, and don’t plan on doing anything with your prize?” 

Lelouch swallowed and tried to focus, a task that was nigh on impossible with Suzaku’s naked body pressed into him, “I had a plan... but... I... don’t remember...”

“You forgot?” Suzaku asked, leaning in to press kisses to the spot just below Lelouch’s ear. 

Lelouch moaned softly as his hands tangled in Suzaku’s hair, he was completely overwhelmed and out of his depth. “I... Oh god...” 

Suzaku had lost the game badly, but he was taking great pleasure in reducing Lelouch to a blushing, horny mess. He nipped at the side of Lelouch’s throat, just a playful graze of teeth. “Disappointing.” 

“Suzaku... I...” he gasped, “Oh god... do that again!”

“Yes, Sir.” Suzaku purred, biting a little harder. 

Lelouch’s entire body jerked, a rush of heat shot through him, swiftly followed by embarrassment. “What... what did you just...” His trousers were now painfully tight and he could feel Suzaku’s cock poking him through his shirt.

“I said...” Suzaku murmured in his ear, beginning to think he might have found one of Lelouch’s kinks, “Yes, Sir.”  _ Of course he gets off on that,  _ he thought in amusement.

Lelouch’s hips bucked up involuntarily into Suzaku, he was panting. “Suzaku... if you don’t... Oh god... stop... now... I’m not... going to...”

“Is it just ‘sir’, or is it all of them? My Lord, your Highness... Master.” 

Lelouch stopped breathing, his hands scratched down Suzaku’s back as he leaned too far back, Suzaku leaning over him... and then the chair fell over. Suzaku cried out as they went down, landing on top of Lelouch and swearing at the sharp pain as his knees made contact with the tiles. He propped himself up and looked down at Lelouch. “Hey, you okay?” Lelouch was not okay. He couldn’t breathe, Suzaku’s landing on him had winded him. His eyes went wide as he tried desperately to get air, starting to panic, clutching at Suzaku. 

“Woah. Hey.” Suzaku frowned, climbing off of him. “Are you hurt? Does something hurt?” 

His lungs were starting to work again but not fast enough. There was not enough air... Suddenly he was back in the coffin, trapped, no way out. His hands scrabbled for anything, anyone. It hurt, it hurt so much. 

Suzaku was confused. What could possibly have Lelouch this worked up? He didn’t seem physically hurt, just... scared. Really scared. “Hey. Hey, it’s okay. I’m here. Lelouch, listen to me. You’re safe. You hear me?” He took Lelouch’s hand. “Breathe. Breathe for me. In and out, nice and steady.” 

Lelouch finally found his voice although his eyes remained vacant, “I can’t... no... please... why... why can’t I... breathe?”

“I landed on top of you, I must have winded you. I’m sorry. It’s okay, it’ll pass. Just keep trying and it’ll pass.”

Eventually Lelouch’s breathing evened out and he grabbed Suzaku. He was still shaking, and it took several more long moments of calm breathing for his eyes to focus and for him to come back to reality. When he did, he withdrew, shame heavy in his chest “I’m sorry. It’s pathetic.”

“There we go. It’s okay. You’re not pathetic.” Suzaku relaxed once he saw that Lelouch was back with him. “These things happen.”

“I’m okay, I’m okay... can we get off the floor?” The panic was receding now, which Lelouch would be eternally thankful for. 

“Yeah.” Suzaku stood up and offered him a hand. 

Lelouch got up slowly before latching back onto Suzaku and kissing him softly, “I’m sorry. Can we... try again?”

“Yeah.” Suzaku chuckled softly. “Shall we go to the bed? That way you won’t fall backwards again.”

Lelouch let out a small laugh, “No, but I could still roll off.”

“That won’t happen. I’m gonna have some impressive bruises on my knees, though.”

Lelouch giggled into his neck, “They can be a kind of souvenir from the time you got me so worked up we fell off a chair.”

“For a few days, anyway.” Suzaku grinned, and patted Lelouch’s ass. “Up.” 

Lelouch jumped at the unexpected contact and looked at him confused. “I’m already standing up?” 

“No, I mean let me carry you.”

Lelouch relaxed, “Okay.”

Suzaku picked him up and made his way through to the bedroom. He couldn’t deny that he liked having Lelouch in his arms like this. 

Lelouch tapped Suzaku’s arm, “Hey put me down, I am not going to get into bed fully clothed again.”

“Yes, my Lord.” Suzaku said with a smirk, setting him back on his feet. 

Lelouch trembled, he was embarrassed to admit how much that turned him on. He shed his clothes quickly, leaving his briefs on- he was not as shameless as Suzaku. 

“What, not all the way?” Suzaku asked, going over to him and not-so-subtly slipping his hand down between Lelouch’s legs as he leaned in for a kiss. 

Lelouch returned the kiss and bucked into Suzaku’s hand despite himself, “It’s... embarrassing.”

“Still?” 

Lelouch broke the kiss to put his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, the feeling of Suzaku’s hand stroking over him was incredibly distracting. “I’m just not as... brave as you. I never was.”

Suzaku stroked the hard outline of his cock through the fabric. “Liar. You’re just not as impulsive.”

For once Lelouch didn’t argue back, instead bringing Suzaku’s other hand to his waistband, “Alright then... I’ll take them off now.”

“Thank you.” Suzaku took the invitation, hooking his fingers under the waistband and pulling them down, exposing him for Suzaku to touch. 

Lelouch gasped at the feeling of someone else undressing him, it was surprisingly erotic. He pulled away momentarily to take the briefs fully off before sliding his hands up Suzaku’s sides and kissing him. Suzaku returned the kiss, pushing him backwards until the backs of his knees hit the bed. Lelouch gasped but let Suzaku lower him backwards before moving up to the center of the bed, Suzaku following after him. He crawled up the bed, positioning himself over Lelouch and leaning down to kiss him again. Now that he’d figured out how this worked, he didn’t think he ever wanted to stop. Lelouch felt drunk on Suzaku, loving this, loving  _ him _ . Dragging his nails down Suzaku’s back, he bumped his hips up into him and Suzaku shivered, one hand finding Lelouch’s thigh and running down it, spreading his legs a little. Lelouch obliged, flushed and panting softly as he let Suzaku rest between his legs. Feeling Lelouch yield underneath him, Suzaku closed his eyes and buried his face in Lelouch’s neck, bucking so his cock brushed Lelouch’s ass, making him draw in a sharp breath. Lelouch gasped and threw his head back. 

“Oh god.”

“Lelou...” Suzaku breathed. “When we go all the way, it’s gonna be amazing, isn’t it?”

A bolt of heat shot through Lelouch at the thought, “I can’t wait. But I’m... I’m not ready yet... it’s only been two days.”

“I know... but I can fantasise.” Suzaku breathed. 

Lelouch kissed Suzaku’s head, “Me too... it’s going to be incredible.”

Hiking Lelouch’s thigh up further over his arm, Suzaku ground against him, just imagining what it would feel like to be inside him. He thought that if oral was anything to go by, it was going to be even better than he could imagine. Lelouch threw his head back and he let out a breathless moan, pushing against Suzaku, imagining what he would feel like inside. The thought sent a sharp jolt of pleasure straight to his cock. 

“You really like being manhandled, don’t you?” Suzaku commented, running his hand over Lelouch’s slim thigh. 

Lelouch flushed and whined, “I just... it’s... yes!” One particularly firm thrust had him gasping. 

Suzaku took both of Lelouch’s legs, hands gripping him behind the knees and spread him wide, leaning over him as he ground down, watching Lelouch get utterly lost in fantasy beneath him. It was all Lelouch could do to not come on the spot. His fingers scored furrows in Suzaku’s back, his face flushed with both lust and embarrassment at how easy it was for Suzaku to wind him up. Suzaku couldn’t believe how quickly just the idea was making Lelouch fall to pieces. He reached between them with one hand to stroke Lelouch as he continued to grind against his ass, wanting to push him over the edge to the fantasy of being fucked deep. 

Lelouch screamed as Suzaku touched him, coming hard between them. It was the most intense orgasm he’d ever had, aftershocks building as Suzaku continued to grind against him. He pushed his ass back into Suzaku, relishing in the feeling. He was glad Suzaku was holding his legs or he’d have collapsed completely by now. Suzaku watched him wide-eyed. Lelouch was a mess, flushed bright pink, sweaty hair sticking to his forehead and expression contorted in pleasure. It was the most beautiful thing Suzaku had ever seen, and it made him hard as a rock to know that he’d done this barely even touching him, barely doing anything but feeding him a fraction of what he knew he could do. 

Lelouch couldn’t think; everything felt incredible. He could feel the solid weight of Suzaku against his thigh and ass and dimly registered that he’d not come yet. He bumped his hips into Suzaku, trying to tell him it was okay for him to keep moving. Suzaku was confused for a moment, distracted, but then seemed to realise what Lelouch was after. Leaning down to give him a messy kiss, and using the hand that was wet with Lelouch’s cum, he stroked himself, bucking into his own touch so his hips bumped the backs of Lelouch’s thighs. Lelouch kissed Suzaku back as best he could, running his hands down Suzaku’s back to rest them on his ass. He squeezed it before moving back up to scratch patterns in Suzaku’s skin. Suzaku moaned against his lips, loving everything that Lelouch was doing to him. It took mere minutes before he was shuddering and panting and adding his mess to the one Lelouch had made, his body twitching and tensing its way through orgasm. “Lelouch...” He breathed, resting his forehead on his lover’s. 

Lelouch looked up at Suzaku through half closed eyes, arousal and exhaustion warring in his head. He held Suzaku close, ignoring the mess they’d made. If he was honest, he quite liked it. “Daisuki, Suzaku...”

“Daisuki.” Suzaku responded with a smile. He liked it when Lelouch tried to speak to him in his native language, even if his pronunciation was horrendous. 

Lelouch shifted under Suzaku, the mess between them was drying and it felt gross. “Ugh, do we have to shower again?”

“We can just rinse it off, it’ll be fine.”

“Good. I’m fairly sure all my limbs are jelly now.”

Suzaku laughed. “You really got into it. If that gets you off so easily I can’t wait to see what the real thing will do.” 

Lelouch moaned at the thought, his cock twitched but he was spent, he wouldn’t be able to go again. “I can’t wait.”

“Maybe it’s time to go shopping.” Suzaku suggested, blushing a bit. “You know... for things that could help us prepare for it.”

Lelouch flushed and burst out laughing, “That’s going to look great! It sounds like a really bad joke-  ‘The Demon Emperor and his Knight go shopping for sex toys.’” 

Suzaku’s blush deepened. “Hey, no one has to know it’s us.”

“Oh? And what do you propose will work as a disguise?”

“Uh, online shopping?”

Lelouch paused, he didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of that. “Good point, now get off, I want to be clean before I fall asleep.”

Suzaku went off to the bathroom and found a flannel to clean off with, wiping the mess from his skin. Lelouch followed him and finished getting ready for bed. For once, he was the good kind of tired and he hoped desperately that he’d manage to sleep properly again. He didn’t want to wake up Suzaku. Suzaku climbed under the sheets and lay down, making space for Lelouch. He wasn’t tired, but he could get to sleep if he really tried, he was sure. Lelouch scooted in close to him, noticing how wide awake he still was. “How aren’t you exhausted?”

Suzaku shrugged. The answer might be that he had gotten used to only sleeping under the influence, but he didn’t say that out loud. “Don’t know. Stamina?” 

Lelouch smiled against Suzaku’s chest, which he was using as a pillow, “Your stamina is ridiculous!”

Suzaku chuckled. “You have no idea.”

He raised an eyebrow, “I look forward to finding out.” 

“We both know I’m going to tire you out several times over.”

Lelouch hummed contentedly, “It’s going to be great.”

“It will be.” Suzaku mused, stroking Lelouch’s hair. 

Lelouch was almost asleep when he mumbled, “I am scared though... it’s going to be hard... giving up that much... control...”

Suzaku threaded his fingers through Lelouch’s hair gently. “I won’t take anything you’re not willing to give. I promise.” 

“I trust you...”

“I’m honoured.” Suzaku murmured, and kissed the top of his head. 

Lelouch fell asleep quickly after that, Suzaku’s even breathing and hands running through his hair lulling him into unconsciousness. 

Suzaku closed his eyes and tried to drift, but it wasn’t happening. He shouldn’t have been surprised, really. He’d been suffering with insomnia for a while now- that was the reason he had those pills in the first place. After what felt like hours of listening to Lelouch breathing and stroking his hair, he gave up. Ever-so-gently rolling so he could set Lelouch down on the pillow, he reached over and dug the bottle out of his hand. He tipped a couple into his palm and considered trying to take them dry. But no, that was a bad idea. Leaving the bottle next to its cap by the open drawer, he carefully slid out of bed without disturbing Lelouch so he could get a glass of water. After taking the pills, he decided to stay in the kitchen until the drowsiness hit him, sipping from the glass and contemplating the moonlight coming in through the kitchen window. Lost in thought, he lost track of time, starting to nod off still sat where he was, thinking about Lelouch. 

Back in Suzaku’s room Lelouch had become restless, whimpering in his sleep. He tossed and turned, breathing hard and getting progressively more tangled in the sheets. “No... please... help... somebody... why...” 

Under the effects of the sleeping pills, Suzaku was quickly drifting off. He’d only meant to close his eyes for a moment, knowing that sleeping slumped over the kitchen table would not be comfortable the next morning, but he’d underestimated the strength of the pills without alcohol to counteract them. 

Lelouch shot up with a gut wrenching scream, wide awake and shaking, tears streaming silently down his face. He desperately tried to free himself from the blankets looking around for Suzaku. Suzaku was gone, of course he was, why would he want to stay when Lelouch had probably woken him up with his thrashing? 

Suzaku was jolted awake by the scream, though his mind felt heavy and fuzzy with the need to sleep. “...Lelouch?” He asked the empty kitchen, looking down at the glass on the table in confusion. Lelouch couldn’t find the light switch, it was dark, too dark, he couldn’t see anything. He wrapped himself in a bedsheet and curled up in the corner shaking, tears running down his face. He was locked in his own personal nightly hell. Suzaku shook his head, trying to snap out of the haze his mind was in. Leaving the glass on the table he went back to bed, frowning when he saw Lelouch with his knees up to his chest. “Hey... Lelou?” He asked, going to sit on the edge of the bed with him. He froze, then flinched away. He didn’t want Suzaku to see him like this. 

“I’m fine, you can go back to... whatever you were doing. I’m fine.” He tried to make his voice sound calm and in control, something he’d had to perfect when he was acting as Zero. By the look on Suzaku’s face he hadn’t succeeded. 

Suzaku moved closer and rested his head on Lelouch’s shoulder, letting his eyes close. “I heard you scream. You had a nightmare, didn’t you?”

Lelouch wasn’t surprised Suzaku knew, he probably had them too. “I...” he gripped the sheet and curled up tighter. He normally just ignored them until the shaking stopped, poured himself a large mug of coffee and tried to drown out the screams in his head with reality TV. It never worked but that didn’t stop him trying. If he admitted it it would make it real, but he owed it to Suzaku, they were living together now, he should know what a fuck up he was living with. “I... Yes...”

“I’m sorry I left. I couldn’t sleep, ‘n I had to get water to take the pills...” Suzaku murmured, turning his head so he was nuzzling Lelouch’s neck. “I should have been here to comfort you...”

Lelouch flinched at the contact before forcing himself to stay still. He didn’t want to upset Suzaku,  he hadn’t done anything wrong. That didn’t stop his betrayal from rising in his mind, the absolute anguish that had come with his only real friend giving him to his father and watching him lose everything... for a promotion. He had long since forgiven Suzaku for that, or at least tried to, but fresh out of a nightmare it was hard to separate dreams from reality. 

“Are you okay now?” Suzaku asked, oblivious to his state of mind, kissing his neck gently. 

Lelouch accepted the contact despite his rising discomfort. “Yeah, I’m alright. You can sleep now. I’m just going to get a glass of water.”

“Mm... don’t be too long...” Suzaku muttered, all but collapsing back onto the pillows with his eyes shut. 

Lelouch extracted himself from Suzaku and pulled on a hoodie and his briefs before leaving the room. It was not his flat, he couldn’t turn on all the lights. He sat in the kitchen with his coffee, trying to keep himself awake until the sky started to lighten. He knew it wasn’t healthy, he knew Suzaku had expected him to come back. The sleeping pills would have knocked Suzaku out completely by now, something Lelouch was grateful for. He needed to process, to put away the feelings of betrayal and hurt before Suzaku woke up. He’d known this wasn’t going to be easy but he’d hoped he wasn’t going to be sabotaged by his own mind. True to prediction, Suzaku had fallen asleep completely on top of the sheets, snoring soundly. The pills gave him a dreamless sleep, so he stayed like that until the morning. 


	10. Truly Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the hardest souls are allowed glimpses of happiness, no matter how brief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for this being late, I could claim I was busy or something but the truth is I just forgot to upload XP also my Suzaku cosplay for London MCM just arrived, I am in it as I type this and I love it. Enjoy!

When Lelouch heard Suzaku starting to wake up he turned on the kettle and started to make breakfast. They really needed to go shopping; they didn’t have much in the way of food. He was sure he looked terrible despite his earlier trip to the bathroom to re-apply the concealer under his eyes, trying to hide the shadows so dark they looked like bruises. He didn’t bother with the contacts, something that felt strange but decidedly freeing. Suzaku emerged in a dressing gown, feeling well rested but mildly disgruntled. “You’re up early.” He commented. “Did you manage to get back to sleep after last night?” 

Lelouch didn’t answer, instead turning back to the French toast he was making.  “I’ve started breakfast. Did you sleep okay?”

Suzaku raised an eyebrow at the sidestep. “Oh yeah, I slept great. Except for the fact that I fell asleep on top of the sheets so I woke up kinda cold. Would’ve been nice if someone had come to warm me up.” 

Lelouch flinched at his tone, “I’m sorry.”

Suzaku sighed, instantly disappointed in himself for being so cold towards him. “No, it’s okay. I know how hard it is to sleep sometimes. That’s why I have the pills. You’re welcome to take some, if you need to. I find they’re really good for keeping nightmares away.” 

Lelouch turned back to make sure the food wasn’t burning. Tears pricked his eyes but he didn’t want Suzaku to see that. He valued the suggestion but he’d never take him up on it. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Suzaku went up behind him and kissed his cheek. “And thank you for breakfast.”

Lelouch waited for Suzaku to sit down before he relaxed. He didn’t know why his brain had decided that now of all times was the appropriate place to hate being touched and fear betrayal. “It’s my pleasure. We need to go shopping for more food. I don’t know what you’ve been living on and I don’t think I want to know.”

Suzaku laughed. “No, probably not. If you’re upset with me eating cereal out of the box, you won’t be happy to know how I eat canned food.”

Lelouch shuddered and gave Suzaku his food, “Definitely not going to be happening anymore. Nope, never.”

“Hey, I use a fork.” Suzaku teased, digging in. He decided he liked this living together business, especially if it came with breakfast like this. 

“That doesn’t make it better.” He grumbled, sitting down with his 5th coffee.

Suzaku had finished his breakfast in minutes and helped himself to a coffee, too. “Hey, at least I eat. I could be starving myself over here.”

Lelouch tried not to flinch, instead taking a gulp of coffee. The caffeine was finally making him shake. He laughed, but the sound was hollow. “Yeah, you could be doing that.”

“I can’t exercise effectively if I don’t eat kinda properly, at least. And being Zero still requires being physically fit sometimes.” 

“This is true,” he smiled softly, “I’m glad you’re kind of taking care of yourself.”

“My physical ability is the one thing I’m proud of. I’m not going to jeopardise that.” 

“So you should be! Have you seen yourself move? Damn.” Lelouch fanned himself with a napkin he’d dug up from somewhere. 

Suzaku snickered, “That’s the real reason you agreed to come work out with me, isn’t it?”

“...No.”

“Yes it is. Liar.”

Lelouch laughed, “Okay, you got me.”

“Mhmm. Thought so.” 

“Hey, you’re unfairly gorgeous! I’m allowed to ogle my boyfriend!”

Suzaku blushed a little, and smiled. “Boyfriend. Yeah.”

Lelouch grinned, “It’s nice to be able to call you that. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to.”

“Tell me.”

He put his coffee down and leant forward, “I noticed you looking amazing in your military uniform, let alone your pilot suit. But I liked you way back, in the way that kids do, and I suppose I never got over it.”

“You had a crush on me when we were kids?”

He blushed, “Yeah.”

“That’s... kind of sweet.” Suzaku smiled fondly.

“It’s embarrassing but, well, you wanted to know.”

“I’m flattered.”

“You should be,” Lelouch laughed, “I can’t believe I just freely told you something that Nunnally held over my head for years as blackmail material.”

“Nunnally blackmailed you? That sweet girl? I’m stunned.”

“Nunnally definitely blackmailed me, on more than one occasion.”

“Wow. I didn’t know she had it in her.”

Lelouch’s expression was miserable, “Me neither until she used it.”

“She used it? For what?”

“Ugh... a school council thing.”

“Wow. That’s low.”

“That’s what I thought! I didn’t know she had it in her.”

Suzaku snickered at his own words being used. “You must have been so proud.”

Lelouch dramatically put a hand over his heart, “Oh so proud, my little sister, so young and innocent and already blackmailing people. My legacy lives on!”

“It runs in the family.” Suzaku teased. 

Lelouch laughed, “I like to think I take after Schneizel.”

“Yeah? I can see it.”

Lelouch stood to clear the table, swaying slightly. He felt lightheaded but the thought of eating was repulsive. “When I was younger I’d follow him everywhere. I idolised him. Finally beating him was definitely bittersweet.” 

“Yeah. Aren’t you gonna have breakfast?” Suzaku asked, noticing that he’d eaten everything Lelouch had put in front of him but Lelouch hadn’t so much as gotten out a plate for himself. 

Lelouch grimaced at the thought of food, “I ate earlier.”

“Okay.” Suzaku helped clean up, putting his arm around Lelouch and stealing a kiss on the cheek as he did so. 

Lelouch leaned into him. He seemed to be okay with touch again, and was fully prepared to take advantage of it. “I want to stay like this forever.”

“Mmm...” Suzaku rested his forehead on Lelouch’s temple, closing his eyes. “Of all the things that living could do to me, this is by far one of the best...”

“I’m glad.” Lelouch kissed Suzaku hesitantly before realising that the intimacy was not going to set him off and kissed him properly. Suzaku caught the moment of hesitation, but felt it when Lelouch relaxed, wrapping his arms around Lelouch’s waist, pulling his slim body close. Lelouch relaxed into Suzaku’s arms. Despite the fact that he really shouldn’t feel safe, despite everything, he did. 

When he broke the kiss, Suzaku met those strangely mesmerising eyes with his own. “I don’t believe you...” He murmured. “After everything you’ve done you’re still the only thing in this world that makes me feel okay.” 

Lelouch broke his gaze, feeling terrible, and looked down. “I’m sorry.”

Suzaku gave a half-laugh and cupped his cheek. “That was a compliment, idiot.” 

Lelouch looked at him. He looked so much better now than he had when they met again, and here Lelouch was wallowing in his own misery, no better than he had been back then. He attempted a smile, but it was weak. “Thank you then.”

“And... If at some point you need to take a nap, I’ll understand. Sleepless nights mess with your head.”

He scoffed, “I haven’t slept for more than 4 hours in a night since well before Zero Requiem.”

“I know you struggled to sleep before... don’t think I didn’t notice. But... I would have thought you’d find a way to manage by now. I did.” 

“I wouldn’t call what you do managing. Besides I never saw the point, I was going to be dead. It wasn’t going to matter.”

“It matters now.” 

“I suppose so.” It wasn’t like it could kill him. 

“And I might not be coping in the best way, but at least I do sleep.”

Lelouch paused, Suzaku had a point. “This is true...”

“I’ve suffered with insomnia for years. I know the tricks.”

“Years?” Now Lelouch was worried, he knew it would have been at least since Narita but he didn’t realise it had been years. 

“Yeah. Even when I was little I had nightmares about my father. And then I joined the army, and... from the moment they put me in active service I saw a lot of things. I was an Eleven, so I got all the bad missions. The ones the Britannians didn’t want to dirty their hands with.” 

Lelouch dragged Suzaku through to the lounge and sat down with him on the sofa, cuddling into his side. “I had almost forgotten that you were once that low down in the army... That sucks.”

“Oh yeah. And every mission they sent me on only solidified what I wanted to do. I got to see the abuse and corruption firsthand.”

“Ouch.” Lelouch didn’t know how to respond to that, Suzaku had got the really short end of the stick. He had no right to complain about any of his issues. In contrast his life had been so much easier. 

Suzaku shrugged. “It is what it is. The nightmares changed, over the years, but they never stopped.” 

“I get that... I really do...” He shrank into Suzaku’s side as if trying to hide from the memories. 

Suzaku put his arm around him. “Maybe one day we’ll be able to get a full night’s sleep without drugging ourselves, but for now...”

“For now what?” Lelouch wanted to stop thinking about sleeping. It never went well and although being awake was often boring at least it wasn’t always terrifying. 

“For now, you do what you need to. I know I do.”

Lelouch had hoped Suzaku would have a decent suggestion. He was desperate for rest, he’d tried sleeping pills before and they’d made no difference but maybe this time. He shook himself, not wanting to get his hopes up. He turned his head into Suzaku, speaking into his shirt, “I’m so tired of not being okay.”

“Me too.” Suzaku stroked his hair gently. “Me too.”

Lelouch felt tears pricking behind his eyes at the gentle show of affection. He squashed them down as best he could but the lack of sleep was against him and he began to cry silently, absolutely mortified.  Suzaku kissed the top of his head, letting him cry. Lelouch’s hair felt soft under his fingers, the sound of his tears filling Suzaku with the urge to protect. After all, he was still Lelouch’s sworn knight. The feeling of Suzaku’s hands in his hair was incredibly soothing and when he stopped crying it made him very sleepy. The second he acknowledged that, he shot upright and headed straight to the kitchen. More coffee was necessary.  Suzaku was startled by his sudden movement. “Lelouch?”

Lelouch was shaking, he’d come so close to falling asleep during the day. That never ended well, at least at night he was prepared. “I’m just getting some coffee, do you want any?”

“More coffee?” Suzaku asked. “You’ve already had like three cups.”

“Six.” Lelouch corrected automatically, his attention exclusively focused on brewing the drink to its maximum strength. He didn’t mention the pills. 

“Six?” Suzaku ran to the kitchen and put his hand over Lelouch’s, stopping him. “That’s it. I’m staging an intervention.” 

Lelouch looked at him, eyes wide. He didn’t understand, “What? Why?”

“Because six cups of coffee is too many, you’re so tired you’re shaking, and you took away my alcohol so now it’s time for me to take away one of your bad coping mechanisms.” 

Lelouch panicked, Suzaku didn’t understand, he  _ needed _ this. He turned to look Suzaku in the eye, “No.”

“At this rate, you’re going to collapse on me. You don’t need any more caffeine.” 

Of course Geass didn’t work on Suzaku, he’d already used it. He felt like an idiot. “You don’t understand. I do need it.”

“I do understand.” Suzaku told him firmly. “You need a coffee like I need a drink.”

Lelouch was desperate, “Suzaku you don’t get it, I  _ can’t _ sleep.”

“Because of the nightmares?”

Lelouch deflated, “Yes... and what comes after.”

“The paranoia? The panic attacks?”

He startled, “How did you...”

“Because I’ve been there. I told you, I understand.”

“Oh... I knew that… I’m sorry.”"

“You’re going to get worse the longer you stay awake. That paranoia, that’s probably dialled up to eleven by now, isn’t it?”

He was uncomfortable about how easily Suzaku managed to call him out. “...Yes.,” he grudgingly admitted. 

Suzaku gently took his hand and moved it away from the coffee machine. “We’re going to take the day off today, and you’re going to take a nap. You can use my sleeping aids if you need to, and I will be right there to help you if you wake up panicking.” 

“Why? Why would you do that for me?” He was sure that Suzaku had better things to do than watch him fail to sleep. 

“Because you’re my boyfriend, and you’re suffering.”

Lelouch melted into Suzaku’s arms, “I’m sorry I’m so pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic. You’ve been through hell. We both have.”

He chuckled, “I suppose you’re right.”

“Now come on.” Suzaku steered him back to the bedroom and ushered him under the sheets. “Nap time.”

Lelouch was exhausted; the activity of the day before alongside only two hours sleep had wiped him out. He protested weakly when Suzaku all but forced him into the bed, still reluctant even though Suzaku was nothing but gentle. Despite his best efforts and the frankly ridiculous amount of caffeine in his system he fell asleep quickly. Suzaku sat next to him, stroking his hair to calm him and playing on his phone. He’d actually had a full night’s sleep, more or less, so he wasn’t particularly tired, but he’d promised that he’d be right there if Lelouch woke up badly. 

It had only been half an hour when Lelouch’s entire body went rigid and started shaking. Suzaku noticed and turned his attention to Lelouch, taking his hand and running his fingers through his hair. “Lelou... Hey...” Lelouch shot up with a panicked gasp, fumbling for something, anything to hold onto. Suzaku took his hands and put them against his chest, in the collar of his dressing gown, giving him something to ground himself. “Lelou. I’m here.” 

Lelouch clutched at Suzaku breathing hard, “I’m sorry.” He sobbed. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. In little bits and pieces.” Once he was sure that Lelouch was back in the real world he hugged him close, comforting him. “The alternative is staying awake so long you drive yourself insane or to the point of collapse.” 

Lelouch pushed himself as close to Suzaku as he could and waited for the shaking to stop. It could have been worse, he supposed. He could have ended up in a full panic attack. Since he’d been staying with Suzaku It was the longest he’d gone without one since the Zero Requiem. “I tried that and here we are.”

“Exactly.” Suzaku kissed his hair softly. “You need to try. It doesn’t matter how many times you wake up.”

“I hate this.”

“I know. So do I.”

Lelouch forced himself to let go of Suzaku, “You don’t have to stay.”

“I know. I want to.”

His laugh was shaky and small, “Why?”

“Because I care about you.”

Lelouch turned away, “I don’t deserve you.”

“No, you don’t deserve for your only human contact to be a walking disaster, but here we are.” Suzaku half-smiled. “And whether you wake up screaming or just walk around until I have to catch you as you collapse, I’m here for you.” 

“If you’re a walking disaster then what am I?” He tried to make it sound like a joke but it fell flat. “I don’t want to keep doing this.”

“Why do you think I drink myself under the table? Because it’s the only way I can get a full night of uninterrupted sleep. I know I’m probably not the best person to be helping you, but at least I can say that I get it.” 

“Does it work?” Lelouch was prepared to try anything at this point. He knew he couldn’t continue like this. 

“I mean... yes? I wouldn’t recommend it but it works for me.”

He sighed, “Judging by the last time I drank anything it’s probably a bad idea. Also you’re not doing that anymore are you?”

“I can’t drink if someone won’t tell me where he put my booze.” Suzaku glared at him. “And I was up for a long time last night.” 

Lelouch returned his glare, “Nor am I going to tell you where it is.” He sighed, “I’m sorry if I kept you up.”

“You didn’t. You were actually sound asleep up until I nearly drifted off at the kitchen table.” 

“Why were you falling asleep at the table?”

“Trying to sleep without help wasn’t working so I had to take a couple pills, but I needed a glass of water for that, and I guess I just got distracted in the kitchen.” 

Lelouch huffed quietly, “I suppose that makes sense.”

Suzaku nodded, and climbed under the sheets with him. “It’s no fun just lying awake for hours.”

Lelouch choked out a laugh, “Tell me about it.”

Suzaku looped an arm over Lelouch’s chest and pulled him back down, spooning him. “I got enough sleep, thanks to the meds, but it’d be nice to feel well rested.”

Lelouch resisted for a moment before letting Suzaku drag him back down. He felt Suzaku press up against him from behind and he tried to relax into his arms. He was no less tired than before. Maybe this time he would sleep for longer than an hour before he woke up again. Suzaku’s face was against the back of his neck, his breath warm and slightly ruffling the fine hair there. He had wrapped his arms around Lelouch’s waist firmly, holding their bodies together as he closed his eyes, not so much trying to sleep as just to drift off into daydreams. Lelouch dozed off slowly, feeling safe in Suzaku’s arms. Part of him whispered bitterly, ‘but for how long?’ he tried to squash it as best he could. He trusted Suzaku. He did. 

Even when Suzaku’s hand began to feel tingly, the first signs of a limb going to sleep he didn’t move for fear of disturbing Lelouch’s rest. He could handle it, to let Lelouch sleep a little longer. He ended up falling into a sort of half-sleep, the kind where his mind was still vaguely following conscious patterns of thought. It was dark, but more down the morbid curiosity route than the panic-inducing terror route. When Lelouch stirred against him, he was pulled out of it, and his grip on Lelouch tightened a bit, hoping he wasn’t dissolving back into nightmares. 

Lelouch slept for three hours pressed up against Suzaku. Eventually he began to stir again, small whimpers escaping him. He remembered watching the F.L.E.J.A going off and Nunnally’s subsequent ‘death’. Visions of Shirley bleeding out in his arms swirled in his mind, except she was not peaceful as she had been in truth, instead she was screaming, cursing Lelouch for killing her. He was back in Euro-Britannia fighting Charles’ Geass and watching Suzaku hate him. He watched Suzaku give him up to Charles as if from the outside, watching himself claw at the other boy, scream, beg, but nothing ever worked. Suzaku’s face was cold as he asked for his promotion. He watched every one of his failures, every time any of his plans went wrong. He was back at the Kururugi shrine as Schneizel showed up, the feeling of betrayal fresh and painful. He watched Suzaku’s eyes go blank as he pointed a gun at Lelouch- ‘I wanted to believe in you... You don’t deserve to live.’ He was back in Pendragon as the doctors told him Nunnally was never going to walk or see again and that they would both have to leave. He started to shake, his breathing became harsh. “No... Suzaku! Why?”

Suzaku started at the sound of his own name. He couldn’t begin to know what was going on in Lelouch’s head, what he was seeing, but he knew it wasn’t good. 

“Hey.” He squirmed his way out from behind Lelouch, freeing his arm so he could look Lelouch in the face. With one hand he brushed the hair from Lelouch’s forehead, his touch lingering on his sweat-dampened skin. “Lelouch.”

Even unconscious, Lelouch flinched at the contact, “Stop!... You can’t!” His voice broke, “Why?... Suzaku... kill me...”

Suzaku’s breath caught in his chest, eyes widening. Lelouch had only said that to him once before. He climbed on top of Lelouch and nudged his shoulder, ready to hold him down if he started to freak out and hurt himself. “Lelouch, wake up!” 

Lelouch felt something settle on top of him and lost it. He snapped awake, shoving at the weight keeping him down. Everything was blurry, and his lungs felt like they were burning. “Not again... no!” His voice was desperate, pleading. 

“Lelouch!” Suzaku reacted on pure instinct, grabbing his wrists and pinning him, looking him straight in the eye. “Look at me!” Lelouch’s eyes shot open, wide and panicked. He tried to buck Suzaku off but was too weak. His breathing picked up again. Suzaku wasn’t sure whether or not letting him go was a good idea. What if he lashed out? What if he withdrew? But the look of panic in his eyes was enough for Suzaku to loosen his grip, his voice changing from insistent to calm. “Lelou... You’re safe. It’s only me.” 

At the sound of Suzaku’s voice Lelouch’s breathing slowed a touch. “Are you going to kill me?”

“What?” Suzaku frowned, and sat up a little. “No!” 

Lelouch was trembling, still not entirely out of the nightmare. He blinked blearily at Suzaku, just now registering what was going on. “...Suzaku?”

“Yeah.” Suzaku relaxed a little, relieved that Lelouch recognised him. “It’s me.”

“Wh-Why?” That relief quickly melted away as Lelouch looked at him with fear and mistrust in his eyes. “You can’t- I trusted you…”

Suzaku frowned, trying to figure out what was going on. Was Lelouch still dreaming? “Lelou, nothing’s happening. We’re at home.”

Lelouch closed his eyes and shook his head, pressing his hands to his face. “No… No, don’t lie to me. This isn’t my home. This was never my home, he’s going to kill me, you- you sold me out!”

“Hey…” Suzaku took Lelouch’s wrists and pried his hands away. “Where do you think we are right now?”

Lelouch gave him a look that was simultaneously confused, incredulous and angry. “In Pendragon. The Palace. You- You imprisoned me.”

That was enough. Suzaku sat up. “You’re in our apartment. It’s been more than a year since that.”

“What-?” He shook his head again. “No, no, no… That’s not right… None of this is right.”

“No. It’s not. Look at me.” Suzaku cupped Lelouch’s cheeks and leaned down to kiss him softly, an action that elicited a soft gasp from him. When he pulled back, there were a few moments of silence, and Lelouch blinked several times.

“Suzaku…” His voice had softened, and Suzaku relaxed.

“Are you back with me?”

“Suzaku!” Lelouch launched himself at the other boy, holding him tightly. “Oh god... I thought you...”

Suzaku hugged him tightly. “No. I didn’t. You’re safe.” 

Lelouch was shaking hard enough to almost cause Suzaku to loosen his grip, “Don’t leave... I’m sorry...” 

“I’m not going to leave. I promised I’d stay, and I will.” 

He let out a soft cry, trying hard to suppress the memories his nightmare had dragged to the surface. “I’m a fuckup, Suzaku. I can’t even sleep.”

“You’re not a fuckup. It’s not your fault.”

Lelouch finally stopped shaking and just held on tight to Suzaku. “Can I stop trying now?”

“Yeah. Okay. That’s enough for now.” Suzaku ran his fingers through Lelouch’s hair, catching on the occasional knot as he worked carefully through it. He was shaken up too, Lelouch’s memory lapse scaring him something awful. Still, Lelouch needed him to be strong, so he would be strong.

Lelouch pulled away from Suzaku long enough to viciously swipe an arm across his face. “I’m sorry, yesterday was so good and now...”

“Hey, you need this. I’m happy to help.”

Lelouch smiled sadly, “You shouldn’t have to but thank you anyway. I’d like to say it gets better but...”

“I know. But we can help each other, right?”

“Together we can do anything.”

“Yeah.” Suzaku smiled, and kissed him softly. “Do you feel even a little bit better?”

“I will. Right now I feel kinda shit. Not as tired as before though.”

“That’s something.”

Lelouch kissed him back, “How about you? Are you feeling okay?” He looked down, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Mildly shaken up, but better now you’re awake and lucid.” Suzaku brushed his cheek affectionately. “You asked if I was going to kill you.”

Lelouch breathed in sharply, “That was uncalled for. You know I didn’t mean it, right?”

“Of course I did. You were still trapped in your nightmares. I’m not actually going to kill you, Lelouch.” 

Lelouch sat back, “I know. Or at least I hope I do.”

“I trust that you do.” Suzaku smiled. “Or else you would have freaked out and attacked me by now.” He didn’t mention that if he had let him go, he might have. Lelouch seemed to be unaware of his lapse, and he didn’t need the stress of Suzaku telling him.

Lelouch gave lopsided smile in response, “I would never win.”

“No. You wouldn’t.” Suzaku told him firmly. “Even if you had a weapon, your own power would make sure I won, so you can forget about that.”

“Hey I wasn’t going to try!”

“Good.” Suzaku climbed out of bed and took off the dressing gown, hanging it on the back of his door before going to find some clothes to put on. “It just freaked me out, okay? You… weren’t yourself, and that period of my life wasn’t a good time.”

“I understand. It wasn’t a good time for anyone.” Memories of Suzaku’s betrayal ran through Lelouch’s head and he clamped down on them hard. 

“No. It wasn’t.” Suzaku firmly agreed. “Here.” He tossed one of his hoodies at Lelouch. He seemed to find comfort in wearing them, and now that they were living together sharing clothes was not going to be a problem. 

Lelouch pulled it on and immediately felt closer to Suzaku. He loved wearing his clothes. “So what now? I’ve failed at sleeping.”

“You didn’t fail. You got a good few hours, combine that with what you got last night and it should be enough for you to think straight, at least. I figure we should go out today. Just for a walk, or something. Clear out the cobwebs.”

“Sounds good. Where do you want to go?” He tried to find some trousers that weren’t Suzaku’s, “Can we not go to the cemetery?”

“Agreed.” Suzaku grimaced. “There’s a park nearby. Just an open space with a lot of green and a river going through it. It’s a good place to go for a run.”

Lelouch’s head shot up, “Please tell me we’re not running.”

Suzaku laughed. “No, I won’t make you run.”

He sighed in relief and kissed Suzaku. “Good.”

“Are you gonna be alright going out in something you slept in?” Suzaku asked, knowing that Lelouch was picky about these things, even if it had only been a few hours.

He shrugged, “I need to get more clothes from my place anyway, and I didn’t sleep in this hoodie, I slept in that one.” He gestured to the grey hoodie on the bed and smiled evilly, “This one’s mine now too.”

Suzaku gave him a look. “We’re under the same roof, I can wear it if I want to.” 

Lelouch breezed past him to find shoes, “Nope, mine now.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Suzaku rolled his eyes and pulled on a pair of socks before finding his shoes too. “You can’t lay claim to all my stuff or I’ll end up strutting about the place naked all the time.” 

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“Of course you wouldn’t.” Suzaku muttered in fond exasperation. “Come on. I need some fresh air.” 

They walked to the park in silence, shoulder brushing. Lelouch was tense, he hadn’t been out during the day since he’d died, except to go to the gym- but in his defence, he had been excellently distracted. Suzaku noticed, and dared to reach for his hand, twining their fingers together and giving it a gentle squeeze. Lelouch squeezed back, relaxing slightly. Being able to feel the sun again and see actual people was so nice. He leaned into Suzaku, turning to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for this.”

“No problem.” Suzaku smiled, appreciating the light breeze. Every now and then he would notice someone glancing in their direction and shy away, looking away from them or steering Lelouch in the other direction, but overall no one seemed to pay them much attention. They were just two boys spending time together, nothing special. 

The peace felt alien to Lelouch. After so long hiding his identity and then cultivating an image of evil he’d forgotten how to be normal. The days at Ashford felt so long ago, before everything when they could just have fun. In his daydreams Suzaku was there as well and neither of them were broken. He closed his eyes and pressed his shoulder against Suzaku’s, drawing comfort from their closeness. Eventually, Suzaku’s hand migrated from Lelouch’s to his waist, holding him close as they walked. It was amazing, Suzaku thought, how physically and spiritually grounding Lelouch’s presence was. He no longer felt like he was freefalling through a life that had to meaning, because his meaning was walking next to him, violet eyes looking - for the first time in too long - genuinely happy. A small part of him asked how long that happiness would last, but he shoved it back in the box it came from. He wouldn’t let his anxieties ruin this moment. 

Lelouch melted into Suzaku’s side, placing a quick kiss on his shoulder. He’d never taken the time to just  _ be _ before, and he owed that entirely to Suzaku. He had never believed he’d make it this far, never believed he’d find happiness let alone be with Suzaku, the man he loved. He paused at that before deciding that no, he did mean it. He wasn’t going to say it yet, it was too soon but he was convinced. He loved Suzaku. Even admitting it to himself sent a warm feeling through his body. It almost felt like as long as Suzaku was there the two of them really could do anything. 

“Hey.” Suzaku broke their silence, tugging Lelouch off the path to the bank of the river and sitting on the grass there, pulling him down too. “I love the sound of running water, don’t you?” 

“Mmm, very relaxing.” Lelouch put his head in Suzaku’s lap,  _ I love  _ you _ ,  _ he thought, but he didn’t say it out loud. 

Suzaku smiled down at him and played with Lelouch’s hair, a warm bubbly feeling in his chest. It took a moment for him to place the feeling, because he hadn’t felt it in a long time. It made him think of friends, school and stupid cat costumes. He felt his eyes prickle and blinked a few times, looking away. He was  _ happy _ .

They stayed like that for a while, just listening to the sounds of the water and relaxing with each other. They were oblivious to the surprised and confused glances from passers by. Homosexuality was not frowned upon in Pendragon the way it was in Japan, Schneizel had seen to that long ago, but some people remained wary. 

It was hard to forget how to stay alert to people’s eyes, so every passerby and every glance had Suzaku slightly on edge, but the slight tension was nothing compared to what it could be, so he focused every spare ounce of attention on Lelouch, thinking about how beautiful he was as he lay there, eyes closed and hands folded on his stomach with his head in Suzaku’s lap. He had always been beautiful, but now Suzaku was letting himself see it in a different way, and it became all the more special for it. 

Lelouch felt Suzaku looking at him and opened his eyes, smiling slowly. “What are you thinking?”

“That you look stunning like that.” Suzaku told him softly, gently brushing his hair from his forehead. 

He chuckled and swatted Suzaku gently, “You sap.”

“Don’t lie, you love hearing it.” Suzaku teased. 

Lelouch preened slightly, “Okay you got me.”

“Do you remember when we used to sit around outside together when we were kids?” Suzaku asked. “I thought you were pretty then, too. But I didn’t say it because I thought ‘pretty’ was a word you use to describe girls. I was naive.” 

“I remember. That was the best summer of my life, you know? You, me, and Nunnally, no responsibilities, no titles, just three kids having fun.” He mused quietly, “I already told you I liked you back then, you were so brave and strong.”

“You were passionate, even then. Always yelling about how you were going to change the world. I remember wondering how you were planning on doing that when you couldn’t even beat me at kendo.” He chuckled. 

“I only tried that because I wanted to spend time with you you know. I knew I’d be terrible. Physical sports have never been my forté.”

“I know. Your forté was all up here.” He tapped Lelouch’s forehead. “You amazed me sometimes, with what you could come up with.”

Lelouch chuckled and grabbed Suzaku’s hand, threading his fingers through Suzaku’s and pulling it down to rest on his chest. “You always were hopeless at chess.”

“I never understood why sending all my best pieces straight to attack the king never worked.”

Lelouch laughed properly that time, “Oh Suzaku, strategy is important. That’s why you were a soldier and I was a leader.”

“Mhmm. I’m much better at taking orders than giving them.”

“Oh, is that so?” Lelouch raised an eyebrow, his mind racing down a track that was probably inappropriate for public. 

“You know it is. You were giving the orders, more often than not.”

Lelouch’s grin was devious, “I know.”

“What’s that look for?” Suzaku asked, giving him a suspicious eye.

Lelouch waved him off, “Just thinking.”

“Thinking about something sinister, by the looks of things. You only ever get that look when you’re thinking up plans that you’re sure will get you what you want.” 

“Oh, I’ll get what I want alright.”

“That’s the Lelouch we all know and love.” Suzaku snorted, poking him. 

Lelouch slapped at Suzaku’s hand, “Don’t poke me!”

Suzaku responded by poking him again, smirking. 

Lelouch shrieked quietly, “Stop!!”

Suzaku’s grin widened and he attacked Lelouch with his fingers, deliberately tickling him just to make him squirm. 

Lelouch flailed, desperately trying to push Suzaku off. He was laughing so hard tears started running down his face. “No! Stop! Ha, Suzaku!”

Suzaku kept it up for a few moments, laughing at Lelouch’s attempts to push him away before finally giving him some respite, still giggling to himself. 

Lelouch lay on the grass panting, his non-existent abs hurt from laughing. Suzaku moved towards him again and he shot back, arm outstretched towards him in an attempt to stop him, “No!” He giggled, “No closer!”

Suzaku was grinning ridiculously, balancing on the balls of his feet and ready to give chase. “Do you surrender?”

Lelouch got up and ran.

Suzaku was off like a rocket, and within seconds he had caught Lelouch’s wrist and pulled him against him, laughing as strong arms held him in place. “Got you. You’re mine now.” 

Lelouch struggled briefly but was laughing too hard to put up much of a fight. “Okay, okay I surrender!”

“Now there’s something I never thought I’d hear you say...” Suzaku murmured as he leaned in and pressed a series of kisses to the side of his neck. Lelouch giggled and turned around in his arms to kiss him properly. Suzaku returned the kiss, his hands resting on the small of his back. When he broke it, his smile was full of affection. “Daisuki, Lelouch.”

Lelouch rested his head in the crook of Suzaku’s neck, kissing it gently. “Daisuki, Suzaku.”

Suzaku gave a breathless little laugh. He hadn’t felt this good in ages. At that time he didn’t care if they were seen; he was happy and nothing could ruin that. Lelouch was on cloud nine too, loving every moment. If he had Rolo’s Geass he would stay in this moment forever.

Eventually, Suzaku pulled back, taking Lelouch’s hands. “I don’t know how you do it, Lelou. You’re magic.”

Lelouch smiled against Suzaku’s warm skin. “Hardly. But I’m glad you’re happy.”

“You are. I swear it. When you want something to happen, it happens. You’re a miracle maker.”

“That’s what they called me.”

“With good reason. You’re amazing.”

“Oh stop, you’re going to make me blush.” He was already blushing, but Suzaku couldn’t see that. 

“You love it.” 

Lelouch bit Suzaku’s shoulder gently. “You know I do.”

Suzaku shivered. “Lelou... not in public.”

Lelouch hid his grin in Suzaku’s neck before biting him again, harder this time. “Oh Suzaku, don’t tell me this turns you on...” 

Suzaku groaned, holding Lelouch against him in a hug. “Can you blame me?”

He laughed and hugged Suzaku tightly in return. “I suppose not.”

“Save it for behind closed doors.” Suzaku murmured, aware that they were already displaying very open affection in a public place, something that he knew wasn’t so stigmatised here but that was practically not done in his own culture. 

Lelouch pulled back still grinning, “If that’s what you want.”

“We could head home...” 

Lelouch kissed him briefly, “Shall we?”

“Yeah.” Suzaku smiled and let him go, though he kept hold of Lelouch’s hand and they walked back through the park, completely oblivious to the curious glances of strangers. 


	11. In Which a Good Time is Had by All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here you have it - the gift you never wanted - 9k of Suzalulu porn. There is very little plot relevance in this chapter but its fun anyway and there are a few fluffy moments. More angst is scheduled so never fear! The angst will soon be here :P (that was shocking). Anyway, Enjoy!!

As soon as they got back to the apartment, Suzaku closed the door and pushed Lelouch up against it, kissing him deeply as he pinned his body with his own. Lelouch moaned into Suzaku’s mouth, biting at his lower lip and pulling him as close to him as possible. Suzaku gasped softly at the sting of teeth and pressed a thigh up between Lelouch’s legs, hands resting on his hips. Lelouch rocked against it, grinding into him and playing with Suzaku’s hair, occasionally pulling it sharply. Suzaku would stiffen and gasp every time Lelouch pulled. He was afraid to admit it, but Lelouch hurting him felt really,  _ really _ good. “Lelouch...” He breathed, already hard against his hip and shivering with each little movement. 

Lelouch shuddered and tugged at Suzaku’s shirt, “Off.”

Suzaku pulled back just enough to tug off his hoodie and shirt roughly and throw them aside before going right back to what he was doing. They kissed furiously, seemingly unable to get close enough. Lelouch simultaneously scratched down Suzaku’s back and bit his lower lip. Suzaku moaned, one arm pressed against the door to try and stabilise himself. He wanted more. So much more. Lelouch pulled away to kiss down Suzaku’s neck, sucking marks into it as he went. “What do... you want... to do?” He panted between kisses. 

“You.” Suzaku breathed, tilting his head back to give Lelouch full access. “I want you...” 

Lelouch bit down hard on Suzaku’s shoulder. “Tell me.”

Suzaku cried out, grinding against his hip. “I want to take you through to our room and I want to touch you and I want you to touch me and... Oh god, I want you to keep doing that... Exactly what you’re doing...”

Lelouch licked over the bite marks he’d left on Suzaku’s shoulder before biting down again slightly lower. “ _ Our _ room eh, I like the sound of that.” 

Suzaku’s breathing was coming hard and heavy, closing his eyes as each sharp sting of pain made him feel another rush of desire. At Lelouch’s comment, he took his hand and pulled him through to the bedroom. Lelouch stumbled after Suzaku as he dragged him through the flat at an almost run. Once he reached the room, Suzaku let go of Lelouch’s wrist so he could strip off the rest of his clothes, the double-crescent bite marks and scratch lines clearly visible on his skin. Lelouch chuckled at Suzaku’s urgency but followed swiftly, shucking his clothes and leaving them in a pile next to the bed. 

Suzaku lay back on the bed, looking up at him with lust in his eyes and Lelouch climbed over him, holding himself up with arms either side of Suzaku’s head. “Tell me what you’d do to me if you could do anything you liked.”

“I’d wind you up... I’d wind you up so much you’d get aggressive with me and when you tried I’d pin you down and take you...” 

Lelouch shuddered at his words. His arms shook but held up, “Go on...”

“I’d want you to fight back... but you’d love it really. I’d drive you crazy by going slow and ignoring every time you begged me to go harder...”

Lelouch’s arms finally gave up and he collapsed onto Suzaku, “Oh god don’t stop.”

Suzaku kissed his neck, fingers tangling in his hair. “You’d bite me and scratch me and beg me, but I would just slowly drive you crazy by learning every little thing that made you squirm and using it against you...”

Lelouch snapped and he ground his hips into Suzaku’s, yanked his hair and brought his head up to kiss him. “You are way to coherent. Why don’t you show me?”

Suzaku rolled them over so he was on top, and ran one hand down Lelouch’s side, just feeling out the planes of his body. He held himself just out of range, so Lelouch had nothing to grind against, and rubbed circles into Lelouch’s hip with his thumb, just watching him. “You want it.” He told him in a low voice. “I know you do.”

Lelouch gasped, arching up to try and feel Suzaku - he was being driven absolutely crazy, “Yes! Oh god... yes!

That hand slid back up to pinch a nipple, running a thumb over the spot. Lelouch trembled and threw his head back at the feeling, mouth open in a silent scream. Suzaku smirked a little and ran one knuckle up the length of Lelouch’s cock, giving him nothing to get off on, just a tease to wind him up. Lelouch was lost to sensation, the light touch on his cock was maddening. Suzaku’s words from earlier spun through his mind ‘ _ I’ll make you beg me... drive you crazy... ignore you when you beg for me... make you squirm... _ ’ and he loved it. He let go of the sheets and scratched down Suzaku’s chest, pinching his nipple hard. Two could play at this game. 

Suzaku’s back arched and a sound of pleasure escaped him. He didn’t know why being abused got him off so much but every scratch and pinch and bite made him feel dizzy. His hand closed around Lelouch’s cock, giving him two long, languid strokes and running his thumb over the tip before letting go and licking up the wet smear he’d collected.

Suzaku was touching him! Finally! Unable to stop them Lelouch’s hips bucked into Suzaku’s hand, seeking out more contact. He looked up just in time to see Suzaku lick his hand and flushed, the heat traveling straight to his cock. He was embarrassed but seeing Suzaku doing that was incredibly erotic. 

Suzaku watched him squirm and pant against the sheets, considering what to do with him next. He wondered how much teasing he could get away with before Lelouch snapped properly. Leaning down, he flicked his tongue against Lelouch’s sensitive nipple, still making sure to keep his body out of range so Lelouch couldn’t get himself off that way.

“Fuck!” Lelouch’s hands moved from Suzaku’s front to scrabble down his back, desperately trying to pull him down. “Don’t stop... Suzaku... please! Gah!” His voice failed him as he felt Suzaku’s tongue on his nipple sending bursts of pleasure through him with every movement. Suzaku kissed and sucked on the spot briefly before drawing tight little circles around it with the very tip of his tongue, knowing that with Lelouch’s sensitivity, he’d be going crazy by now. Lelouch snapped. Pushing himself up he sank his teeth into the side of Suzaku’s neck. “Stop teasing.” He hissed. 

Suzaku stiffened and drew in a sharp breath. “Ask nicely.”

Lelouch smiled and dragged his teeth gently down Suzaku’s neck over the bite marks. His voice was low and husky, “Stop teasing.”

Suzaku closed his eyes, feeling hot and needy. “Manners, Lelouch...” 

Lelouch pulled back and lay down to look up at Suzaku. His whole body felt like it was on fire. Looking up at Suzaku through half lidded eyes he spoke slowly. “Stop teasing... please.”

Suzaku smiled at his little victory. “Much better.” He bent down again and kissed down Lelouch’s chest, slowly making his way further down. Lelouch writhed in pleasure, desperately trying to keep still. He wound his fingers into Suzaku’s hair, tugging sharply every time he kissed somewhere particularly sensitive. 

Suzaku paused when he reached Lelouch’s hipbone, trailing his lips over the ridge and pressing open mouthed kisses to it as he hitched Lelouch’s leg over his shoulder. Lelouch fought the urge to buck up into Suzaku or pull him closer with his leg. His back arched off the bed with the effort of restraint, pulling at Suzaku’s hair. Finally, Suzaku gave in and dragged the flat of his tongue up the length of his cock. Lelouch choked out a scream as he collapsed back onto the bed. The instant relief was incredible but it wasn’t enough, it felt like pouring alcohol onto a fire - it dampens initially and then returns ten times stronger. One hand wrapped around the base to hold him in place, Suzaku took him into his mouth, every tug on his hair only encouraging him to do more, and wind Lelouch up further. 

Lelouch keened at the wet heat of Suzaku’s mouth around his aching cock. Suzaku was still teasing him and he couldn’t take it for much longer, “Suzaku! Please! ...Oh god! More!” His words sounded more like sobs of pleasure than anything coherent. Suzaku swirled his tongue around the head and then slowly, slowly inched downwards, taking Lelouch in as far as his gag reflex would let him. Lelouch’s vision all but whited out. He thought he might be screaming but he wasn’t sure. “Suzaku!!” He pulled on Suzaku’s hair, trying to get him to pull off, it was too good and he didn’t want to come just yet. 

Suzaku didn’t move, just held Lelouch in his mouth like that, his tongue pressed up against the underside. Lelouch shuddered, desperately trying to think about anything except the feeling of Suzaku’s mouth on him. He looked down - a huge mistake. Suzaku’s eyes were blown wide with arousal, Lelouch’s cock still in his mouth. “Oh my... Fuck!” Lelouch was dangerously close to coming at that sight alone. 

Suzaku cupped his balls and pressed one knuckle up against his perineum, unaware of how wound up he was and experimenting with new ways to drive him crazy. The touch was new and made Lelouch jump, calming him down just enough not to come immediately. It felt amazing though and the pressure quickly built back up to the point where it was almost unbearable, “Suzaku! I... if you don’t...”

Suzaku took the hint and pulled back, giving a quick kiss to the tip and letting him go. Lelouch panted and just lay there, trying to get his breath back enough so that he could speak. “I don’t... I want to... not yet.”

“No?” Suzaku moved back up to kiss him softly.

“I want to... with you this time...” He kissed Suzaku back, ignoring the way he could taste himself. 

“With me? Like... at the same time?” Suzaku asked, brushing Lelouch’s hair from his face. 

He flushed and looked away, “I want to try.”

“Okay.” Suzaku nodded. “Does that mean it’s my turn?”

Lelouch nodded and flushed, “I believe so.” He pushed Suzaku so he was lying down underneath him and kissed him furiously. Suzaku’s fingers tangled in his hair as he parted his lips to let Lelouch in, feeling breathless with lust. Lelouch dipped his tongue into Suzaku’s mouth, kissing him like it was the end of the world. His hand snaked between their bodies, tweaking Suzaku’s nipple harshly before gripping his cock and stroking it slowly, digging his thumb into the sensitive spot under the head with every pump. Suzaku canted his hips, moaning into Lelouch’s mouth. It was borderline uncomfortable but he loved that. He wanted Lelouch to punish him, to drive him as crazy as he’d done to Lelouch. 

Lelouch smiled viciously and pulled away from the kiss. “Stay put.” He worked his way down Suzaku’s neck, scratched, bit and stroked his way down, covering him in bruises and red marks some of his earlier bite marks had bruised and he felt unreasonably satisfied at that. He bypassed Suzaku’s cock completely, choosing instead to lie between his legs and bite down gently on his inner thigh. Suzaku clutched at the sheets desperately, twitching and gasping with each shot of pleasure-pain. He spread his legs wide for Lelouch, making an uncharacteristically needy sound when Lelouch bit down on the sensitive area. His cock was aching and leaking against his hip, painfully turned on by the rough treatment. 

Lelouch grinned at Suzaku’s display and bit down again, harder this time. He sucked a trail of bruises up the inside of his thigh before switching to the other leg and repeating the treatment, loving how worked up Suzaku was getting.  Suzaku’s head was thrown back on the pillow, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he clawed at the sheets. “Lelouch...” He moaned, exercising huge amounts of self control to not touch himself, or grab Lelouch’s hair and make him go down on him. 

“Now you know how it feels.” Lelouch murmured before grabbing Suzaku’s cock with no warning and taking it as deep into his mouth as he could. Suzaku’s mind went blank, his whole body stiffening and his toes curling. He swore sharply, unable to help the way his hips bucked upwards into Lelouch’s mouth. Lelouch had expected it and pulled back enough that Suzaku didn’t choke him, sucking hard on the head of his cock. He couldn’t help but reach down to touch himself, moaning at the contact. 

“Tongue...” Suzaku panted, feeling vaguely light headed. “Use- use your tongue...”

Lelouch obeyed and swirled his tongue around the head, flattening it and licking down the vein on the underside. He swallowed and hummed around Suzaku’s cock, curious to see the reaction. Suzaku’s moan was drawn out and a little broken, his body trembling and twitching. “L-Lelou... Feels amazing...”

Lelouch hummed again, digging his tongue into the slit at the head before sinking down as far as his gag reflex would let him. He let go of his own cock in favour of fondling Suzaku’s balls, trying the same thing Suzaku had done to him. 

“Lelou!” Suzaku cried out again, snapping his hips. “‘M close!” 

Lelouch pulled off completely, moving back up over Suzaku to kiss him. “Not yet, I want to try to come together remember.”

Suzaku whined in frustration, but pulled Lelouch down for a messy kiss. They kissed for a while before Lelouch pulled away again, starting to get desperate, “How do you want to do this?”

“I- I don’t know. Can we do it at the same time? Oral?”

Lelouch flushed, “What, like 69?”

“I guess so...”

He took a deep breath, “Okay. Let’s try this.” He climbed off Suzaku before turning around. “This is awkward.”

Suzaku laughed a little. “Yeah. But that’s the point of this, right? Figuring out what works?”

“Yeah I suppose so.” He climbed onto Suzaku, straddling his waist. 

“Right... how do we do this?” 

Lelouch laughed, “I don’t know.” He leant down so that his face was level with Suzaku’s cock, “Like this, maybe?”

Suzaku adjusted Lelouch’s position. “Spread your legs a bit.” 

Lelouch obeyed, feeling very exposed. He dropped his head to Suzaku’s hip and chuckled, “This is really weird.”

“Yeah.” Suzaku adjusted a little more and then took Lelouch into his hand, stroking him. He had to raise his head off the pillow to lick him, so he wrapped one arm around Lelouch’s waist and pulled him down so he could get his mouth around him. 

Lelouch gasped. It was weird, but it still felt good. He lowered his head to lick at Suzaku’s cock. He couldn’t use his hands because he needed them for balance, which was frustrating. He adjusted his angle to take Suzaku deeper into his mouth, trying desperately not to get distracted by Suzaku’s mouth on his cock.

Suzaku bobbed his head back and forth, moaning around him when he felt Lelouch’s mouth on him. It was strange to experience both sensations at once, but it did feel good. Lelouch tried to focus on Suzaku’s pleasure. His arms were starting to shake from exertion and when Suzaku hummed around him he had to pull off shuddering. “Oh god.” In response to the pleasure stopping, Suzaku gave his hip a sharp tap, a gentle punishment as he pulled back enough to flick his tongue over the slit. Lelouch groaned and licked at the head of Suzaku’s cock, collecting the moisture that was beading there before sinking back down, bobbing his head and sucking as he lathed his tongue down the vein. Suzaku moaned again, rewarding him by taking him as deep as he could and swallowing around him. Lelouch groaned at the sensation, he’d been on edge for a while now and was getting close. He sucked hard, hollowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue, trying to get Suzaku off first. 

Suzaku thrust involuntarily, heat and pressure building below his navel. His grip on Lelouch’s hips tightened, and started tonguing the vein on the underside and pushing so the head of Lelouch’s cock rested on his palate, swallowing to get his throat to stop protesting. Suzaku’s hips snapped up and Lelouch gagged. He moaned loudly, and risked gently scraping his teeth along Suzaku’s cock. He was very close. Suzaku was the first to give in the end however, the added sensation unexpected and almost too much as the tension in his body snapped. His breathing hitched, short sounds of pleasure coming instead of breaths, fingernails digging into Lelouch’s skin. Lelouch suppressed the urge to cough and swallowed as much as he could before pulling off. Once under control he leant down to lick Suzaku clean, loving the way he twitched at the overstimulation. Suzaku had to pull back for half a moment to breathe, but then he took Lelouch all the way back in again, teasing all of the sensitive spots with his tongue and tugging lightly on Lelouch’s hips, encouraging him to move. He could take it, he was sure. Lelouch rested his head on Suzaku’s hip and gasped, thrusting gently into Suzaku’s mouth, trying not to choke him. He was so close. “S-Suzaku!” Suzaku bobbed his head with Lelouch’s movements, swallowing around him to make it easier, determined to finish him off. When Suzaku didn’t choke, Lelouch pushed harder, lost to the sensation. “Suzaku!! Please... I’m...  _ oh _ !” He came hard, his vision whiting out completely. 

Suzaku tried his best to take it, holding his breath and swallowing over and over, but inevitably he had to push Lelouch off of him and press a hand to his mouth, stifling a coughing fit. He rolled onto his side, eyes closed as he got himself back under control. Lelouch rolled off easily, trying to get his breath backl. “Are you... alright? I’m sorry!”

Suzaku held up a finger and nodded. Eventually he gave in and coughed a few times, clearing out his airways before swallowing again and clearing his throat. “I could use a glass of water.” He half whispered, and dissolved into another series of coughs. 

Lelouch pushed himself into a sitting position, eventually standing on shaky legs and going to get the glass. “I’m sorry!” 

“I’m fi-“ Suzaku started to say, but his throat gave up halfway through. 

“Oh god, I hurt you!” Lelouch started to panic. 

Suzaku shook his head and took several mouthfuls of water until he was sure he would stop coughing. “I pushed too hard... not your fault.”

Lelouch’s hands fluttered over Suzaku, making sure he really was okay. “We’re not doing that again if it hurt you.”

“It didn’t hurt. Promise.” Suzaku have him a reassuring smile, his voice still croaky. “Besides, I think we’ve figured out by now that I kinda like it when you hurt me.”

Lelouch flinched slightly, “Yeah I suppose we have. How far do you think that goes? How much do you... want me to... hurt you?”

Suzaku thought about it for a moment, frowning. “...A lot, I think.” 

He tried very hard not to overreact, “How much is a lot?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I will know until we try it.”

“You want to try it? You’re not... worried I’ll hurt you too much?”

Suzaku shook his head. “No. I’m not.”

Lelouch leaned into him, using his shoulder as a pillow, “Really?”

“I can guarantee you that no matter what you do to me, I’ve had worse.” 

“That is not reassuring.”

Suzaku chuckled softly. “No, I suppose not. But I trust you.”

“Even after everything...” He mused, absently stroking patterns across Suzaku’s stomach. 

“Yeah. Even now.” Suzaku put the glass on his dresser and laid back, pulling Lelouch with him. “You know... Anya asked me if I was a masochist once. She meant it in a different way, but... it’s funny to think that she was right.”

Lelouch laughed quietly, “I suppose so. I find it weird to think about Anya. How much of her was actually her and how much of it was Marianne?”

“Ugh, I don’t want to think about your mother asking me if I’m turned on by pain. Stop, please.” 

Lelouch snorted and swatted Suzaku gently, “It is weird isn’t it.”

“Very.”

“Was Anya always weird? You spent far more time with her than I ever did.”

“Yeah...” Suzaku sighed, frowning at the ceiling. “She suffered a lot of memory issues, so she was always taking pictures and typing stuff into that little electronic diary of hers. I suppose it makes sense now. But... she was just weirdly disconnected in general. It’s like... you know that thing I do? Where I deliberately don’t show anyone any of what’s going on in my head? That, but all the time.”

Lelouch shuddered, “That sounds horrible. I pity her, my mother was not the person I thought she was and I wouldn’t want her in anyone’s head.” He paused for a while, “Please don’t do that anymore, at least to me.”

“I should hope that I won’t need to. I only do it when I feel like my emotions are going to stop me from doing what needs to be done.”

“I know.” He pressed a kiss to Suzaku’s shoulder, “I hope that never happens again.”

“Me too.” Suzaku threaded his fingers through Lelouch’s hair. 

They lay there for a while, just enjoying being with each other. Eventually Lelouch spoke up again, “So, do you want to go internet shopping?”

Suzaku glanced down at him. “As in... for toys?”

Lelouch flushed, “Yeah...” he considered his next words carefully, “I want you Suzaku. But I want to be ready first.”

Suzaku nodded. “That makes sense.”

“So, shopping for sex toys. How hard can it be?” Lelouch’s straight face lasted seconds before he descended into laughter. 

Suzaku dissolved into giggles too. “It can’t be that hard. Come on, there’s only so much stuff out there you can buy.” 

There was a lot. The two scrolled through pages of toys of every description catering to every kink imaginable. “Well, what do you want?”

Suzaku stared at some of the more extreme things, wide eyed. He’d had no idea. “Let’s start with the easy stuff.”

Lelouch looked at him, “Like what?”

“Like...” He took the phone for a moment and did some navigating. When he gave it back, he was on a page displaying basic anal toys. “That? There’s no point in looking at things you can’t take because they’re bigger than me.” He couldn’t deny, he’d seen some things that put some very nice images in his head, but he kept them to himself. He didn’t want to freak Lelouch out. 

“They look good, we can start small. Did you like the look of anything?” He’d seen Suzaku looking very interested a few times. 

“Um... not... not yet.”

Lelouch raised an eyebrow, “What was it?”

“I don’t know... a passing fantasy.”

“Suzaku, you know exactly what it was.” He handed him the phone, “Show me.”

Suzaku flushed, but went back and found the black-and-purple BDSM starter kit that had caught his eye. Restraints, a blindfold, a gag and the item that had really caught his eye- a leather crop. “You asked.” He accused Lelouch as he passed it back, blushing furiously.

Lelouch looked over the list, eyes widening before adding it to the cart.

“Really?” Suzaku asked, surprised that Lelouch was interested. 

Lelouch shrugged, “You wanted it and I can’t say I’m not intrigued. Also purple? Really Suzaku?” 

“Shut up, it’s a nice colour.”

Lelouch raised an eyebrow, pulling back to look him in the eye, “And that’s the only reason is it?”

Suzaku looked in the other direction, embarrassed. “...It’s the colour of your eyes. I like it.” 

Lelouch chuckled at that, “Well it used to be anyway.”

“It still is, when you wear your contacts. Which is a lot of the time.”

“Yeah... it’s just easier you know.”

Suzaku glanced back at him. “Yeah. I know.”

He sighed and paid for the toys without thinking too hard about it. 

“How long do you think it’ll take them to get here?”

Lelouch laughed, “Impatient much! Don’t worry, I paid for next day delivery.”

“Tomorrow?” Suzaku’s blush came back. “That’s... soon.”

He elbowed Suzaku, “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’m excited. It’s just... aren’t you a little bit intimidated?”

“I’m terrified.” He said simply, “But I want you and if that’s the way to get you I’ll do it.”

“Terrified because you think it’ll hurt?” 

“Well, yes, but also because it means completely giving you control. I want to but I don’t know if I can.”

“I could give you control, if you wanted it.”

Lelouch shuddered and flushed, “That could work, but I... want you to... dominate me...”

“You trust me that much?” Suzaku asked, surprised. 

His colour deepened, “Yeah I do... it’s really... just... damn.”

Suzaku laughed a bit. “No, I understand.”

“Yeah, it’s... I want to try myself first maybe... I don’t know it’s all a bit... strange. I need to research.”

“You can do it yourself first, if that will make you comfortable.”

“That might be easier...” He blushed. He’d never tried anything like that before, but he really wanted Suzaku to fuck him. 

Suzaku nodded. “Then that’s what will happen. I won’t get involved until you ask me to.”

“Yeah...” He hid his face in Suzaku’s shoulder. “I want our first time to be perfect.”

Suzaku kissed his hair, one hand trailing up and down his arm lazily. “Lelouch... it doesn’t have to be perfect. Don’t make yourself anxious thinking it should be. We’re both as inexperienced as each other, remember?”

Lelouch closed his eyes at the touch. “I know but I can’t help wanting it to be. I don’t want to have to stop because I can’t handle it.”

“Then we’ll play together, yeah? We’ll build up to it.”

Lelouch breathed in sharply, a spike of arousal rushing through him. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

Suzaku smiled, and put an arm around him. “And we can build up to what I want too, yeah?”

Lelouch sank back into Suzaku, “Of course we can. Whatever you want. This is supposed to go two ways.”

“And... you’re okay with that?”

“I’m okay with it.” He twined his fingers with Suzaku’s, “I need to research first but I’ll try things with you.”

“Thank you.” Suzaku smiled, and squeezed his hand. 

-+-

When the parcel arrived the next day, Lelouch placed it on the table unopened. It had been a rough night for both of them despite them being individually exhausted. Lelouch was convinced that the attempts at napping the previous day had ruined his sleep pattern. Not that either of them really had a sleep pattern in the first place. Suzaku, meanwhile, had lapsed into an uneasy and broken sleep, but unlike Lelouch he didn’t wake up gripped in panic, just ice cold and full of guilt. When the sun came up, it was a blessing, and even more so when Lelouch got the package and Suzaku was given something other than his own deep-seated issues to be concerned about. He stared at the unassuming brown cardboard package, almost afraid to open it. “You first.”

Lelouch retrieved a pair of scissors from the kitchen and opened it neatly, watching plastic packaging spill out before turning to Suzaku. “Go fish.” 

Suzaku gave him a look, and mentally decided he was going to hit Lelouch with the crop the moment he found it before going ahead and unpacking the box. Lelouch watched Suzaku pull the packaging out, unaware of this plan, nervous but excited. 

Suzaku pulled out a smaller, pink box and threw it at Lelouch after reading the description. “That’s yours.” He told him, and pulled out a second. “And this is mine.” He slit open the tape with his thumbnail and pulled out the contents. The cuffs were softer on the inside than he expected, and the leather smelled good. He pulled out them, and then the blindfold, and... aha. He unwrapped the long, thin crop and gave Lelouch a sharp tap on the thigh. “For making me open it. Coward.” 

Lelouch jumped and backed away slowly, snatching his box off the table before he could think too hard about it. “Suzaku! And we don’t even have a safe word yet.” He gasped in mock affront. 

Suzaku brandished the crop at him, grinning. “It’s your own fault.” Lelouch flinched back laughing before turning and running into their room, prompting Suzaku to snicker and give chase. “Come here, Lelou. You know you deserve it.”

Lelouch shrieked and hid in the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning against it. “Why exactly do I deserve it?!”

“You made me open the box first, because you were too embarrassed to admit you bought buttplugs.” Suzaku teased, turning the handle and leaning against the door, knowing his weight was greater than Lelouch’s. 

Lelouch quickly opened the box in his hand and grabbed one of the larger plugs, trying hard not to think about what he was doing. He backed away, brandishing it at the door. “I think you just want to hit me with that.”

Suzaku almost fell through the door when the weight was taken off, but managed to stay on his feet. He burst out laughing when he saw what Lelouch was pointing at him. “Are you going to attack me with that?”

Lelouch looked down at the large black silicone plug and waved it in Suzaku’s direction threateningly. “And if I was going to?”

“Come on then.” Suzaku held out the crop like an epée, and hit Lelouch’s wrist when he made a move forwards. 

Lelouch almost dropped the plug, his wrist smarting. He backed up until he was against the wall and pointed the plug at Suzaku, “Don’t make me use it.”

Suzaku grinned. “What are you gonna do about it?”

Lelouch faltered, there wasn’t a lot he could do. Before he could think too hard he rushed Suzaku, kissing him hard to distract him before jabbing him in the stomach with the plug. “I win.”

Suzaku entertained him with a kiss, grinning when he was poked in the stomach, and then gave Lelouch a sharp swat against the back of his thighs. “Ow!” Lelouch jumped forward, bumping into Suzaku, gripping his shoulders and letting the plug fall to the floor. His thighs were smarting, the kind of pain that radiated out but didn’t necessarily feel bad, it stung mostly. Suzaku smirked at him. 

“I win.”

Lelouch looked up at him through half lidded eyes, stroking down his chest. “And what are you going to do with your prize?”

Suzaku flushed. “Maybe I’ll try out the cuffs on you.”

Lelouch flushed as his cock jumped in interest. “Wow... what do you... how...” he stuttered, flustered, before taking a deep breath, “We need a safeword.”

Suzaku paused. “Wait... really?”

“I mean... if you want.” He shrugged, embarrassed.

Suzaku held out the crop for Lelouch to take. “I mean, technically... this is yours. And yeah, we can try it.” 

Lelouch took it hesitantly, placing it on the bathroom counter. “At this point, what’s mine is yours. I bought that for you after all.”

“That’s not what I mean, Lelou.” 

He took a sharp breath, “What  _ do _ you mean?”

“I mean it’s yours because you’re going to be the one using it.”

If Lelouch could have gone redder, he would have. “Y-Yes, I suppose I am...” 

“Are you okay with that?” Suzaku asked, eyes flicking up to meet Lelouch’s. 

“Yes... I think I’ll need to work up to it, but... I’m okay with it.”

Suzaku nodded. “We can do that.”

“Okay.” Lelouch calmed himself before smirking at him. “You were saying?”

“I was saying...” Suzaku circled Lelouch’s wrists with his hands. “I could try out some of our new things on you.”

Lelouch shuddered, leaning into Suzaku, “Well then, what are you waiting for?”

Suzaku laughed softly. “I think you’re more into it than you say you are.” He leaned in to kiss Lelouch softly, and then let him go. “Go strip off and sit on the bed. I’ll get the things.”

Lelouch watched Suzaku go, anticipation thrilling through him. He stripped quickly and waited, feeling very exposed. Meanwhile, Suzaku retrieved all the toys, getting rid of the packaging, and then went through, blushing a bit when he saw Lelouch on the bed. “You look good.”

Lelouch flushed. “I look naked and you have too many clothes on.”

“I’ll get to that.” Suzaku promised him. “Sit up, and face away from me.” 

Lelouch did so, getting progressively more nervous. He could hear Suzaku moving around behind him. “What are you doing?”

“Trying these out.” Suzaku told him, sitting behind him and making the mattress dip before taking one of Lelouch’s hands and slipping on a cuff, using the buckle to tighten it. “How does that feel?”, he asked, wanting to make sure it was good before putting the other one on. Lelouch flinched at the feeling but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he’d half expected. It was quite exciting actually. He leaned back into Suzaku. 

“It feels weird, but not bad.” After a moment of hesitation, he added, “Do you want my hands behind me or... or in front?”

“Behind you.” Suzaku told him, taking the other wrist and attaching the other cuff. 

Lelouch shrugged his shoulders a few times, trying to get used to the feeling of not being able to use his hands. He’d been cuffed before but not like this. He squashed the memories of the other times he’d been restrained in far less favourable circumstances and tried to relax. Those memories had no place in their bedroom. 

“Comfortable?” Suzaku asked once both cuffs were done up and tight. 

“They’re fine... it feels strange though.” He was nervous and excited in equal parts, wondering what Suzaku was going to do to him. 

“Can I do your ankles as well?”

Lelouch froze, he hadn’t been expecting that. He wanted to do this though, for Suzaku, and for himself as well. He nodded hesitantly. “Where do you want me?”

Suzaku thought about it, and then stood up. “Move a bit further down to the end of the bed, and face the headboard.” Lelouch moved to where Suzaku had indicated, sitting on the end of the bed. He didn’t know where Suzaku was going with this and it was surprisingly difficult to move with no hands. He looked up at Suzaku expectantly, waiting for the next instruction, finding that he quite liked not being in control all the time. Suzaku was stood at the end of the bed, cuffing his ankles the same way as he’d cuffed his wrists, making sure they were secure before moving back around to Lelouch’s front, sitting in front of him. He cupped Lelouch’s cheek, brushing over it with his thumb as he contemplated blindfolding him. He decided against it, however. That would be a game for another day. Instead he just leaned in and kissed Lelouch’s forehead. “How do you feel?”

“Nervous,” he answered truthfully, “but it’s exciting as well. Not being able to move properly is... strange. But I trust you.” Lelouch wanted to kiss Suzaku properly but couldn’t pull him closer which was frustrating. 

“Thank you.” Suzaku did it for him, kissing him slowly and deeply, just to indulge. 

Lelouch moaned into Suzaku’s mouth, getting more into it by the second. He tugged at the cuffs and found that he was legitimately restrained, the thought sending a bolt of heat through him. He was glad they were padded though; it made the tightness they were done up with feel almost comforting instead of painful and threatening. Suzaku ran his hands down Lelouch’s sides, he could touch all he wanted, take all the time he wanted to lavish attention on Lelouch’s body and there was nothing Lelouch could do to stop him. Lelouch shivered under his hands, Suzaku’s expression was full of wonder and if it hadn’t felt so good Lelouch would have felt like a bug under a microscope. Tracing the delicate lines of his hip bones, Suzaku kissed his neck softly. “You’re gorgeous.” He murmured, trailing his lips over Lelouch’s throat and giving him the occasional slow kiss. Every touch felt like fire on Lelouch’s skin. He could do nothing, completely at Suzaku’s mercy- which should not have been as arousing as it was. Lelouch leant his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, kissing him gently - just about the only thing he could do. Light touches traced patterns down Lelouch’s spread thighs and back up again, as Suzaku continued to kiss down to his collarbone. He wanted to hear Lelouch tell him what he wanted, tease him until he gave in and pleaded for what his already hard cock clearly needed. After several long moments of this, Lelouch gasped, giving in. 

“S-Suzaku... please... I need... please...” His body arched into the touches, the only thing he could do in his position. 

“What do you need?” Suzaku asked, massaging circles into Lelouch’s inner thighs. 

“You! Please... just... touch me!” His voice was cracking, the soft touches were driving him insane. He struggled against the cuffs briefly, desperate to touch. 

Suzaku smiled against Lelouch’s neck when he heard that, and got up. When he came back he had another one of their purchases in his hand- a bottle of lube. “I know we haven’t used it in the past,” he said casually, “but I think it’ll feel better if we do.” He poured a little bit onto his palm, testing the consistency, and then sat back in front of Lelouch, looking over him in appreciation as he slowly, teasingly stroked him. The lube was cold and Lelouch jumped when Suzaku’s hand touched him. He had been right though; it felt better, easier and he trembled at the light touches, desperate for something, anything. 

“Suzaku! Please...” He was panting now and his cock was aching, Suzaku’s light strokes were just making it worse. 

“Use your words, Lelou.” Suzaku reprimanded lightly, giving him a brief squeeze. He hadn’t even started to undress yet, and his jeans were starting to feel uncomfortably tight. 

Lelouch almost sobbed, “Harder... please...” Suzaku had far too many clothes on and Lelouch wanted a view but he also didn’t want Suzaku to stop. With him naked and Suzaku clothed everything felt very intimate, and Suzaku looked very much in control. The thought made his cock throb with need. 

Suzaku’s grip tightened, and he gave Lelouch a series of long upward strokes, just to watch him writhe. He was having far too much fun with this. “You look amazing right now.” He told him, eyes flitting over his displayed body. “I was right. Purple  _ is _ your colour.” 

Lelouch gritted his teeth, “Suzaku, get on with it! I... ah...” not being able to touch was so frustrating but felt so good. It was a kind of exquisite torture that Lelouch was sure he’d be revisiting many times in the future. 

“You don’t want me to finish you off so quickly, do you?” Suzaku asked. He stopped touching, wiping his hand off so he could strip off his shirt. 

Lelouch groaned at the loss of contact. “I... no... I suppose... not...” Suzaku’s shirt fell to the floor and the desire to touch tripled. Lelouch tugged against the cuffs but Suzaku knew what he was doing and it was futile. Suzaku leaned forward to steal a kiss, balancing on hands firmly placed on Lelouch’s thighs. He was so tantalisingly close, and yet...

“How does it feel to be tied up?” He asked, half to prompt Lelouch into dirty talking and half out of genuine curiosity. 

“It feels... vulnerable. Like you could do anything you want, take anything you want and I couldn’t do anything about it. But it’s also really hot. That incredible focus you have, all directed at me. It makes me feel important, wanted. But I want to touch, I want to feel you and I can’t. I want to stroke down your sides, bite your shoulder and leave scratches down your back. I want all of that and I can’t have it because I’m at your mercy and that’s incredibly frustrating but unbelievably erotic.” Lelouch watched Suzaku undress completely, trying to keep his words coherent and his breathing under control all while actually answering Suzaku’s question. Suzaku gave him a little smile and sat opposite him, leaving his clothes with Lelouch’s and getting a little bit more lube in his palm, starting to stroke himself as he watched Lelouch pant and twitch with need. 

“Is it difficult, not being able to take what you want?”

Lelouch glared at him. Watching wasn’t helping him calm down, if anything he was getting even more worked up and Suzaku wasn’t even touching him anymore! “Extremely.”

“Can you imagine what it’ll be like when I put the blindfold on you, too? What about the gag? Then you wouldn’t even be able to see what I was about to do to you...” He sat back and gave a little moan, winding himself up with his own fantasy. “That’s a good image...” 

Lelouch closed his eyes and groaned, his cock throbbing at the mental image. “Suzaku... Oh... you are... cruel...”

“There’s so many things I want to do with you, Lelou...” Suzaku breathed. Finally deciding to take some pity on him, he crawled over and kissed Lelouch again, stroking him like he’d been touching himself. “And one of these days I’ll be able to have you properly... pin you down and take you...”

Lelouch moaned loudly and pushed himself into Suzaku as much as he could. “Soon... I... can’t wait...” the pressure was building behind his navel. 

Shivering a little, Suzaku ran his thumb over the head, making a mess of the precum Lelouch was leaking. “Neither can I... You’re going to feel amazing, Lelou...”

“Suzaku... I... I’m so close...” He bucked up into Suzaku’s hand as best he could, straining against the cuffs. 

Suzaku drew in a breath, making a decision, and then stopped. “No. Not yet.” 

Lelouch let out a sob as Suzaku pulled away. He was so aroused it was almost painful. “W-Why?”

“Because I want to try something.” He knelt with his knees apart, facing Lelouch, almost mirroring his position. “Bend over for me.”Lelouch just stared at him for a second but obliged. He felt even more exposed that way and the head of his swollen cock was now just brushing the sheets. It was maddening. Suzaku shifted forwards and threaded his fingers through Lelouch’s hair. Using his other hand to hold himself up, he looked down at his helpless boyfriend between his legs. “Go on. I’ll get you off if you get me off.” Lelouch flushed, this was degrading. The thought didn’t stop him though as he craned his neck to be able to take Suzaku in his mouth, sucking lightly on the head and poking his tongue into the slit to lick up the precome gathered there. Suzaku hissed a little, his hips giving a spontaneous thrust upwards. “Yeah... like that...”Lelouch opened his mouth wider as Suzaku thrust in, the angle meant that he couldn’t go too far or choke him. As Suzaku pushed in he could reach more of his cock, grazing his teeth lightly down the shaft. Suzaku moaned, playing with Lelouch’s hair absently. “Wow... you got good at that really fast...” he breathed, incredibly turned on by the sight before him. Lelouch moaned at the complement, throat vibrating around Suzaku’s cock as he left little kitten licks all over the head. Trying his hardest not to thrust too far, Suzaku rolled his hips, making sure his grip on Lelouch’s hair wasn’t too tight to let him pull off as he lazily fucked his mouth. Lelouch took it, doing his best to get Suzaku off, licking and sucking and trying not to choke when Suzaku bumped against the back of his throat and he swallowed reflexively. It was messy and wet but he loved it. 

It didn’t take too long before Suzaku was starting to feel tense and on edge, as wound up as he had gotten. “L-Lelouch...” He breathed. “Are... are you going to take it?” Lelouch gave a particularly hard suck and let his teeth skim lightly over Suzaku’s shaft in answer. His own cock was throbbing but he could feel how close Suzaku was and wanted all of it. Suzaku didn’t hold back. His thighs trembled as he thrust into Lelouch’s mouth, and when he felt it crest, he leaned back and cried out, hips snapping upwards once, twice, three times before he collapsed back, panting hard as he leaned back on his arms. Lelouch didn’t try and stop him, relaxing his throat as much as possible. It was hard and he ended up swallowing reflexively every time the head of Suzaku’s cock hit the back of his throat. When Suzaku came he swallowed as much as he could, before pulling off gasping and coughing. Some of Suzaku’s come landed in white strings across his lips and cheeks. He felt absolutely filthy. Suzaku sat up a little bit, still breathing hard, and stared at Lelouch. He looked... Wow. Suzaku decided he distinctly liked seeing the normally poised and prissy boy so debauched. Reaching out, he wiped the white from Lelouch’s lip with his thumb and kissed him hard. Lelouch kissed back, desperate for contact, he  _ needed _ to come and he was sure it wouldn’t take much. Feeling Suzaku come undone was strangely empowering. 

Pulling back, Suzaku considered him, pupils blown out in his post-orgasm daze. “That was amazing, Lelouch... you’re amazing.” He stole one more kiss and then moved away so that he could bend down this time, giving Lelouch a few lazy pumps before taking him into his mouth as far as he could go. Lelouch deserved a reward. Lelouch was gone, his mind completely blank as he felt Suzaku’s mouth on his cock. The relief was instantaneous and felt incredible. It didn’t take long before he was coming with a wordless cry, thrusting weakly into Suzaku’s mouth, every muscle tense and straining against the cuffs. Suzaku swallowed him down, taking everything he had to give and not pulling off until Lelouch was whimpering and pulling away from the overstimulation. As soon as he had recovered, Suzaku reached around him as though going in for a hug, and unbuckled first the ankle cuffs and then his wrists. Pushing them off, he pulled a limp and breathless Lelouch into his arms, holding him tightly. Lelouch was completely drained and sank easily into Suzaku. Everything felt very far away and kind of hazy but he was warm and safe and he had Suzaku which was what mattered. “Daisuki, Suzaku...” He murmured.

“Daisuki, Lelouch.” Suzaku murmured. After a few long moments of hugging, he pulled back to look at Lelouch. “I made a mess of you...” He chuckled, stroking Lelouch’s cheek. “We should go clean you up.” 

Lelouch nodded absently, whatever Suzaku wanted. The world was so nice like this, so easy. He didn’t want to move, reaching out his arms to Suzaku, “...Carry me.”

“Of course, my Prince.” Suzaku’s tone was soft, and he stood up so he could scoop Lelouch up in his arms, cradling him against his chest as he took him to the bathroom. Lelouch was half asleep when Suzaku gently put him down. The feeling of pleasant euphoria had not gone away and the world felt soft. He grabbed for Suzaku, feeling like he was moving through treacle. He didn’t quite understand what was going on but it felt amazing and he never wanted it to end. 

Suzaku made him sit still, and retrieved a clean flannel. Wetting it with warm water, he set about gently cleaning the mess from Lelouch’s face. Lelouch just sat there letting Suzaku take care of him. Everything was right with the world and Suzaku was perfect. He told him as much, feeling like it was important for him to know. Suzaku chuckled softly as he washed Lelouch’s face. “Thank you. I really took it out of you, didn’t I?” He rinsed the cloth and then bent down to kiss Lelouch softly. 

Lelouch responded as best he could, relaxing completely in Suzaku’s arms. “I’m so lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one, Lelou.” Suzaku murmured, and picked him up again to carry him back to bed. Laying him down, Suzaku joined him and rearranged the sheets so they were under them. It wasn’t time for bed yet, but Lelouch was blinking slowly and swaying a bit when he sat upright, so Suzaku figured he could use a nap. 

Lelouch moved so he was mostly on top of Suzaku, just clinging to him. “Don’t let me go. Ever please. Just stay here. I...” he started crying, tears rolling slowly down his face as he held tightly to Suzaku. 

Suzaku was taken aback, and more than a little concerned. He held Lelouch tightly, and kissed his hair, trying his best to console him. “Hey... Hey, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. Of course I’ll stay with you, Lelou...”

Lelouch cried softly into Suzaku’s chest, “I don’t want to leave you, but one day I’m scared I’m going to have to. You might not want me anymore. I’m not exactly perfect like you.”

“Lelouch, you’re more perfect than I will ever be. I swore my life to you, and I intend to keep that vow.” Suzaku told him, stroking his hair. 

“Don’t die Suzaku, don’t leave me.” He started to cry harder, coming down from the high now. 

Suzaku frowned, hugging him tightly. “I can’t. You know that. You made it that way.” 

“That won’t stop you dying forever. I’m never going to die.” He sobbed brokenly, “I don’t want to live forever.”

Suzaku wasn’t sure what to say to that. He kissed Lelouch’s hair again, thoughts turning over in his mind. “I’m sorry...” 

Lelouch cried until he was exhausted. Gradually he came back to himself, feeling incredibly embarrassed about the show of emotion. It had been a fantastic experience though and he couldn’t wait to try again, just... not yet. Suzaku just held him until he calmed down, muttering soothing things and petting him gently. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Apparently being tied up makes you very emotional.” 

Lelouch laughed, “Evidently. It was fantastic though.” He leaned into Suzaku, “Let’s try again soon. I’ll work on the... um...” he flushed bright red. 

“It’s okay.” Suzaku smirked. “Maybe you can do it to me next time, see if you can get me to cry on you.”

“Maybe so. Why do I think that would be harder?”

“Because I’m nowhere near as emotional as you? And even when I am I can control it better?”

Lelouch chuckled and kissed him, “Probably that.”

Suzaku returned the kiss lazily. “I would like you to try, though. There was something really special about seeing you vulnerable like that.”

Lelouch lay his head on Suzaku’s chest. “I’ll try, for you. I’m glad that was good for you as well.”

“It was amazing. I’ve never seen you looking like that before.”

“I never thought I could look like that before.”

Suzaku chuckled. “Evidently you can, and it’s actually really attractive. No... attractive is the wrong word. Erotic?”

Lelouch flushed, “It certainly was. I really liked it when you...” He broke off, face aflame. 

“Yeah. So did I.” Suzaku grinned. 

Lelouch hid his face in Suzaku’s chest. “Is it just me or does it get better every time?”

“I think it does. I think we’re getting better at it.”

“Imagine what it’s going to be like when we get really good.” He smiled wickedly. 

Suzaku hummed, closing his eyes. “I can’t wait.”

Lelouch closed his eyes too, trying not to fall asleep on Suzaku, “We’ll need lots of practice.”

“I’m sure we can make time for that.” Suzaku smiled at him. 

“Mm, let’s.” 

After that he fell asleep quickly, exhausted and fucked out. Suzaku let him sleep, knowing that he needed every minute he could get, and he’d be right there if he woke up, ready to comfort him. 

-+-

Lelouch woke up screaming after two hours. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried. Suzaku I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up.” He collapsed into Suzaku’s arms, shaking. 

Suzaku was startled when he did wake up, but was immediately comforting. “It’s okay. It’s okay. The nightmares came back, didn’t they?”

He sobbed into Lelouch’s chest, “They never leave.”

“I know.” Suzaku said quietly. “I know.”

“How do we do this, Suzaku? I can’t go on like this forever...”

“We’ll manage. It’ll get better. We have only had a few weeks to process what happened.”

“It feels like eternity.”

“I know.” Suzaku repeated. “But we’re already getting better, aren’t we? With each other’s help?”

Lelouch calmed himself. “We are doing a lot better. You’re not drunk all the time and I’m not so hyped up I can’t remember anything.”

“Exactly... though I do still get cravings. I haven’t been completely sober.” He admitted. He still snuck drinks when Lelouch wasn’t looking, just enough to be pleasantly tipsy without being drunk enough for Lelouch to notice.

Lelouch kissed him, “But you’re trying. I still haven’t got through the day with less than 10 coffees. ...At least I’m not taking the painkillers anymore. You’ll tell me if it gets bad won’t you?”

Suzaku nodded. His depression was remarkably constant, which made it relatively easy to manage, and since Lelouch had become a permanent fixture in his life he had had a reason to not give in to the self destructive urges as often. “I’ll tell you. Promise.” 

Lelouch cupped his face and kissed him. “That’s all I ask.”

“You too. This relationship goes both ways.”

“I’m okay. I promise.”

“I’m not asking you to tell me anything right now. Just that if something does come up, you’ll come to me.”

Lelouch was terrified, Suzaku didn’t know everything and he didn’t want him to know. It wasn’t fair though. Suzaku was right and Lelouch would go to him when the time came. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

He smiled and kissed Suzaku, “Daisuki.”

“Daisuki, Lelouch.” 


	12. What Goes Around Comes Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They couldn't run from their pasts for long. Eventually it was going to come back to bite them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I accidentally posted the previous chapter again lmao here's the real chapter 12
> 
> I'm finding it harder to find time to edit now that I have a job but I'll continue to post as quickly as we have the edited chapters. Also I think this is the first chapter where like... stuff happens. I'm hyped. Enjoy!

**Chapter 12.**

Time passed as time is wont to do and both Suzaku and Lelouch began to slowly recover. Suzaku was drinking less, still not completely off but managing to limit it to around two or three times a week,  and the longest he’d gone without binging since Requiem was a solid week and a half. Normally, the feeling of physical sickness, like he was coming down with a nasty case of the flu was enough to make him crawl back for another drink just to steady his hand but this time he’d powered through it at Lelouch’s insistence, and found that it ebbed somewhat after a few days- even if he was still not at the top of his game. Unfortunately, a particularly bad depressive episode followed, and he lapsed back, much to Lelouch’s disappointment. Lelouch himself was still drinking more coffee than strictly necessary, but had cut down significantly to the point where there had been a couple of rather nasty caffeine withdrawal crashes that Suzaku had had to help with. 

They’d argued, cried and struggled. It had not been easy. Lelouch had found Suzaku drunk too many times, and it was enough for him to be inherently suspicious whenever Suzaku was drinking something or looking amenable. For his part, Lelouch had definitely not been a saint; he’d been caffeinating himself through pills rather than coffee, something Suzaku hadn’t noticed yet, and he hadn’t yet started eating more. He knew it was bad but he just couldn’t do it. He was eating entirely for Suzaku and even then only once a day, something that rendered him weaker by the day, slowly growing so thin that his bones began to stick out. He continually promised himself it was just a phase and when the nightmares stopped he would too. Both boys were still waking up all the time from dreams that had a better pace in a horror movie. Suzaku continued to drug himself to sleep and Lelouch managed to regularly sleep for 5 hours at night. He had to be exhausted first and there was a lot of sex but neither one was complaining, and Suzaku was always happy to provide. 

During the week, Suzaku was often away for whole days and Lelouch would watch him on TV the entire time if he could. When he couldn’t, he played chess, cleaned the apartment or got out the small box of sex toys and practiced. He’d done a lot of reading on the best way to train for anal and he’d been frankly disgusted so had held off for a while. Eventually thought the thought of Suzaku actually inside him, fucking him, was too much and he started to try. The hygiene process was messy and disgusting and Lelouch felt gross for a while after starting, but eventually he was clean to his satisfaction and confident that next time he’d be able to do it faster. He had told Suzaku he’d started trying which had instantly given the other boy a hard on and lead to some  _ very _ satisfying sex. 

The first time Lelouch fingered himself it was awkward and painful and there was not nearly enough lube. He decided fairly quickly that the best angle came when he was lying down with his ass in the air. His fingers were long and he found his prostate fairly quickly, something that quickly became one of his favourite things to do. He wouldn’t do it when Suzaku was home; he didn’t want him to walk in because it was frankly embarrassing. It felt so good, pushing back onto his fingers, imagining it was Suzaku filling him. He never lasted long. 

When he started trying with the toys it felt even better, they filled him better than his fingers did and he could get a far better angle. Slowly he progressed from the smallest plug all the way to the large black dildo that was roughly the same size as Suzaku. That was hard and he had to stretch himself a lot first which he rather thoroughly enjoyed. The sensation of being full was amazing, it took him a few tries and a  _ lot _ of lube before he was able to get it in all the way. When he finally managed it he lay there panting, ass in the air. He didn’t have to move it much before he was coming hard. He changed the sheets three times that day. 

He had also taken time to move most of his stuff from his flat to Suzaku’s, finally moving in properly. Suzaku had managed to get some of his clothes from the palace; it turned out that they hadn’t burned them all, and his rooms were remarkably intact. 

They hadn’t been out much for fear they’d be recognised. After their first adventure in the park quite a few conspiracy articles had sprung up with pictures of them laughing and chasing each other, there was even one where they were kissing. Suzaku had blushed at that, since he still wasn’t entirely comfortable with PDAs, but Lelouch knew that he’d printed the article and kept the photo in his bedside drawer. Things were going well, or at least as well as could be expected.

Whilst their home life was moving forward, Suzaku’s work life did too. The alcohol withdrawal left him anxious and irritable at times, and some days he found being behind the mask almost too much to bear. He worried about Lelouch when he left him alone, knowing that if it were him left in the apartment for days, he would very quickly lapse into some nasty habits. He could tell that Lelouch was getting thinner, their regular playtime sessions putting everything on display, but there wasn’t much he could do about it besides supervise that Lelouch ate whenever he did. In addition, he was worried about the theories online. People were already starting to connect the dots, though the ones who got it the most correct were still being brushed off as crazy conspiracists. He had to watch himself as Zero, staying distant and unassuming. 

That changed, however, when Nunnally pulled him aside and asked for a favour. Technically, Schneizel had never lost the position of Prime Minister, and after the threat of his attack from the Damocles, and his attempted coup, she was wary that he might try something. He had asked for an audience to negotiate the terms of his return to power, and Nunnally’s request was that Zero be there to keep him on a leash. The command that Lelouch had placed upon him had held, which meant that as long as Suzaku wore the mask, Schneizel would do anything he commanded. Suzaku was more than a little terrified by that power. He’d seen the damage Lelouch’s Geass could do firsthand, and using it himself did not sit well. 

Still, he could not refuse Nunnally, so as negotiations took place, he stood beside her and, every now and then, issue a soft command. Things like asking him to speak plainly, to explain his motives, to swear not to harm innocents. And every time, he would see the little flicker of red in Schneizel’s eyes before he complied. What made Suzaku even more uncomfortable was the way Schneizel’s aide looked at him. Something about Earl Kanon Maldini set him on edge, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on why. The man was quiet and polite and respectful, offering his opinions to Schneizel when asked but otherwise staying out of things. 

The plans that were laid out went ahead, and a month later it was decreed that Schneizel would return to his former position under the new rules laid out. The announcement was to be made on live television. Suzaku would be there with Nunnally, and he had no doubt Lelouch would be watching. On the day, stood on that stage he was feeling horrible. He’d been five days sober, and his skin was crawling, a deep seated unease settling in his stomach. He knew that it was on the list of withdrawal symptoms, so he tried his best to ignore it, but he couldn’t help associating the feeling with all the times he’d deliberately put his life in danger. It made him jumpy and edgy and paranoid. 

The handing-over ceremony passed, and Nunnally declared the position official. As was polite, Schneizel stepped forward to shake their hands. Suzaku couldn’t help being mildly intimidated at the height of the man when they were stood face to face, and for the first time he wished his Zero outfit had heels like Lelouch’s. Schneizel seemed amenable enough, though Suzaku wouldn’t blame him if he held some resentment for the masked ex-vigilante. Then it was Kanon, who smiled sweetly at Nunnally and kissed her knuckles, apologising for any inconvenience they might have caused, to which Nunnally waved it off as mere politeness. When Kanon’s eyes turned on Suzaku, the restless unease in his gut tightened. He wanted to run, to get out of here and tear the mask off so he could breathe. Quashing the urge, he held out a polite hand. Kanon took it, shaking it delicately. 

“You understand, don’t you? How much I care about my Prince.” Suzaku found his choice of words unnerving. Had Kanon figured out his identity? Still, he gave one sharp nod. Kanon’s expression faded into a weak smile. “Good.” He said shortly, and then several things happened at once. 

The hand that wasn’t in Suzaku’s moved, and Suzaku had only a split second to react, his mind going blank as he shifted his weight away from the swift blow to his gut that Kanon landed. His military training kicked in and, a moment later, Kanon was on the ground below him, arm twisted up behind his back to hold him in place. He fought, but Suzaku was stronger. Something was wrong, though, and he wasn’t quite breathing right. His side felt warm where Kanon had struck him. He looked down, and his mind granted him a fresh and searing wave of pain as he realised what was wrong. 

There was a knife in his gut, and the purple fabric of the Zero suit was rapidly darkening with blood.

-+-

Lelouch watched the ceremony with suspicion. He trusted Suzaku to be able to look after himself, he really did, but for some reason he wanted to go to him, to help. He shook off the feeling, dismissing it as irrational. The ceremony was being broadcast on national television - what was the worst that could happen? 

He deliberately didn’t think about his own death on live television. 

The ceremony seemed to go well, but Suzaku wasn’t looking great. He’d been on edge when he left that morning, snapping at Lelouch when he tried to help with the cravat. No matter how many times Suzaku donned the suit, he never managed to get the cravat quite right. Lelouch had let him go without so much as a kiss. The withdrawal was getting to Suzaku and Lelouch knew that, but that didn’t mean he had to like it- even if he was proud of his boyfriend for making so much progress. 

As the ceremony ended Lelouch leaned forward in his seat. Suzaku was so close to safety, but it wasn’t over yet. But then it was, and Lelouch’s world came crashing down around him. 

The Geass was supposed to protect Suzaku! From himself as well as from others who meant to harm him! The camera stayed on the figure of Zero as he pinned Earl Maldini to the floor and security came running. Schneizel looked shocked and Lelouch would have been a surprised if he had noticed. All of his attention was focused on the spreading stain on the purple material at Suzaku’s side. Lelouch himself had bled enough in that suit to know what it looked like. His blood ran cold and he panicked. 

Despite the looming threat of a panic attack, Lelouch pulled himself together. It was a rough job and there were far too many sharp edges but he didn’t have the time to smooth them out. He called a cab; his home was too far away to walk to and running would be even slower but he needed the one thing he hadn’t brought with him. He needed to be Zero again. 

His mind was quiet, single handedly focused on getting to Suzaku, everything screaming that he needed to be there now. He couldn’t just show up though, he had to trust Nunnally to take care of Suzaku long enough for Lelouch to arrive. 

He dressed quickly and in silence. It felt almost wrong to don the outfit again, but at the same time it was like coming home. Outfit complete he looked at the one thing he’d taken from Suzaku’s apartment. It was wrapped up, leaning against the chair where he’d left it. He didn’t want to touch it, didn’t want anything to do with it but it was necessary now. He unwrapped it carefully and there it sat, the sword that had killed him. Steeling himself, he wrapped the belt around his waist, feeling the familiar weight settle on his hip. He checked and rechecked the ammunition in his pistols before picking up the mask. Suzaku’s version was far simpler, since it didn’t need the retracting eye plate, not like this one. Briefly checking it still worked, he pulled up the black fabric mask to cover his mouth and put the helmet on. It felt like he’d never left. 

Before leaving he turned the TV on, trying to get an idea of exactly where to go first. 

He’d make sure Suzaku was okay, and then Kanon was dead. 

-+-

All Suzaku could hear was the ringing in his own ears. He was vaguely aware of a scramble around him. He was pulled off his attacker, and Kanon was apprehended by armed guards, handcuffed and escorted away. He was in pain, quite a lot of it, and he swayed on his feet as he was pulled up. Someone was speaking to him, trying to get him to respond, but he felt dizzy and the fabric covering his face didn’t help. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The Geass... it must have been warning him about the threat to his life. But it had still happened. Surprisingly, his first thought when his vision whited out was not relief, or peace. It was that he couldn’t leave Lelouch. 

He was carried off and into the palace, a team of medics summoned to help him. There was a moment of heavy deliberation in which they debated whether or not to remove the mask. Eventually, Nunnally conceded that saving Zero’s life was more important than preserving his identity, and it was removed. 

Somehow, Nunnally had always known it was Suzaku, but that didn’t make it any less of a shock. The real hard hitter was seeing his face in person for the first time, still and silent, fighting for life. Still, now was not the time to muse over the face of a boy she’d known for years but never actually seen, and if the medics were shocked by the face of the supposedly dead knight, they didn’t react, taking his vitals and cutting away the costume to get at the wound. The hardest part was removing the knife, which would have to be done quickly to prevent him losing a fatal amount of blood.

On the other side of the city, Lelouch ran out of the apartment complex before realising he was now Zero and had to act like it. Half an hour later a huge petrol tanker crashed through the gates of the Royal palace, and Lelouch got out as gracefully as he could. His head was spinning and he felt like he was going to fall over. Rage was powering him now; rage and fear. Guards ran up to the tanker, guns out but Lelouch was faster. He whipped out one of his pistols and pointed it directly at the tanker, which had lost integrity in the crash and had started to leak. 

“Where is Zero?” His voice boomed out across the courtyard and a tiny part of him was proud, he still had it! 

The courtyard fell silent. Zero was here... but Zero was also in the palace. And this one... this one was loud and showy and taking a huge gamble. This one was Zero the terrorist. Slowly, the head guard motioned for the rest to lower their weapons. 

“Inside, receiving medical attention.” He called out, holding up his hands. “Empress Nunnally is with him.” Lelouch nodded and ran towards the palace. Pausing in the doorway, he turned back and fired. The resulting fireball was huge, and allowed him to escape into the palace unhindered. There were more guards inside and he activated the eye plate, revealing his Geass. “Take me to the medical unit.”

“Yes, Your Highness.” Lelouch followed them down through the palace. It was huge, and he’d never really learned his way around, so this was faster than trying to find it himself. 

Nunnally was sat at Suzaku’s bedside when she heard the commotion outside. The room had been turned into an impromptu hospital ward, and Suzaku was hooked up to a life support machine. The medics had agreed to leave the knife in place until the surgeon arrived, which would take another ten minutes. At least Suzaku was stable, the beeping of the monitor a regular rhythm. 

Lelouch burst into the room and rushed straight to Suzaku’s side, blanching when he saw the knife sticking out of his side, “Oh god no, please no...” He turned to the medical professionals cowering by the wall and practically growled at them, “What are you waiting for? Get it out!”

Between the shock of seeing another Zero, and the fear of his imposing presence, they struggled for words. After a glance at her colleagues, the bravest of them stood forward. 

“We can’t. If we remove the knife before surgery there’s a high risk that he will bleed out and die.” 

Behind her, Nunnally stared, eyes wide. She was seeing things... hearing things, surely. There was no way this Zero was the first Zero... was there?

Lelouch hissed in frustration and turned back towards Suzaku. He couldn’t do anything to help, and that was killing him. He grabbed Suzaku’s hand and fell to his knees next to the bed, his mind recalling the last time he’d seen Suzaku prone and unconscious in a hospital bed, recovering from an explosion that would have killed any normal human, that only the Geass command had made survivable. “Please don’t die, don’t leave me, please.” Suzaku’s fingers twitched, but he otherwise didn’t react. 

“Zero?” A small voice asked. Nunnally’s.

Lelouch froze, he’d completely overlooked the fact that she’d be here. He didn’t turn to face her, he didn’t think he could take seeing her again. Part of him wanted to run but he couldn’t leave Suzaku, he just couldn’t. He tried to make his voice as low and menacing as possible, but it betrayed him and broke half way through, “What? What do you want?”

Nunnally drew in a breath. Now was not the time to question him. “Kururugi Suzaku will be okay. We have our best surgeon on her way, and this is not the first time he has defied death.” She reassured him. If it was who she thought it was- as impossible as that might be- then he needed to hear that his childhood best friend and sworn knight would live. 

Lelouch turned away and stood up abruptly, “You better hope he will be fine.” There was no argument in his tone. “Where is Earl Maldini?”

Nunnally’s eyes flicked to the blade at his hip. A blade that was all too familiar, because Zero had used it to kill her brother. “In confinement. He will be sent to court for attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon.”

“That’s not what I asked. Where is he? I want to see him.” His hands tightened into fists under his cape, he couldn’t help Suzaku but by god could he take revenge.

“I’m afraid I am not at liberty to say.” She told him quietly, knowing that if she disclosed his location, then Zero would likely attempt to attack or even kill him. 

Lelouch lost it, wheeling around and shouting at her, “WHERE IS HE?!”

She flinched away. “I won’t let you kill him.”

“WHY NOT?!” His voice broke and he gestured to Suzaku, “Look what he’s  _ done _ ...”

“Suzaku will live.” Nunnally insisted. 

“I can’t lose him...” His voice was broken, “Not again... not like this...” Some part of him knew that showing this much emotion was a mistake but a much larger part reminded him that this was his little sister. If he couldn’t show emotion to her then who could he show? It was nevertheless a bad idea, she thought he was dead and he didn’t want to change that. 

“You won’t lose him. Not if I have anything to say about it.” 

“And what exactly can you do? He needs medical help, Nunnally! Not wishes and vague reassurances!”

“I can give him access to the best healthcare Britannia has to offer.” She said calmly. 

“You’d better. He’s not dying. Not now.” His voice was dark and full of promise. To save Suzaku he’d threaten anyone, even his sister.  _ It wasn’t like you haven’t done that before, _ his brain added unhelpfully.  

A knock on the door interrupted them, and an imperial guard stuck his head around the door. 

“Empress Nunnally, the surgeon you requested has arrived. She has asked that the room be vacated so she can work on Zero.” His eyes flicked to the unmasked body on the bed, and the figure stood beside him. “Um...” He gestured between them. “Should I... find somewhere for... the other Zero to go?”

“I’m staying.” Lelouch’s tone brokered no argument. 

“I’m sorry, Zero, sir, they’re going to perform an operation.”

“Yes. We will be leaving now. Tell her we will offer anything we can to make her job easier.” Nunnally told the guard, and moved to leave. “Zero, please come with me. We can find somewhere private to talk.”

Lelouch begrudgingly followed her. He didn’t want to leave; every muscle in his body was screaming for him to stay and protect. It took every ounce of self control he had not to pounce on the surgeon as she passed and demand she succeed. That wasn’t fair and he knew it. 

She glanced at him in confusion as she passed, but didn’t say anything. Once her, her team of nurses and her equipment were in Suzaku’s room, the door was shut. Nunnally led Lelouch away, down the corridor to a drawing room. There, she requested that they be left alone. The guard asked her if being alone with this new Zero was a good idea, but she waved them off. Eventually, the door closed and the room was silent. 

“I don’t know how you’re here, but I want to know why.” Nunnally said softly. “I think you owe me that much at least, Lelouch.”

Lelouch flinched. He’d been lost in thought and worry and had barely registered the fact that they were now alone. The fact that Nunnally recognised him made him panic, “I’m... I’m not who you think I am.”

“Only one person I know of cares about Suzaku that much.” She said, her tone gentle. “The disgraced Knight of Zero isn’t much more popular than the Demon Emperor.” 

Lelouch relented and turned away. He left the mask on, not ready to face her. “I’m sorry, Nunnally.”

“How?” She asked, a slight tremor in her voice. “I- I watched you. You died right in front of me.”

Tears pricked in his eyes at the sound of his sister’s voice but he still didn’t turn around. “I did. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Lelouch... Let me see your face. Please.” 

Lelouch took the mask off slowly and placed it on a low table. Steeling himself, he turned to face her- but kept his eyes shut. “Now you see me.” She gave a tiny gasp and held out her hands. 

“Come here.”

Lelouch walked over to her hesitantly. Placing his gloved hands in hers, he let his hair swing over his face so he could see, but still conceal his eyes from her. She pulled him down and cupped his cheeks, mapping out his features with touch like she always used to. Tears gathered in her eyes and ran down her cheeks as she sobbed quietly. “Brother...” 

Lelouch leant down to hug her tight, his voice was strangled and hoarse, “Nunnally, I’m sorry. So sorry...”

“I forgive you...” She breathed, burying her face in his shoulder. “I forgive you for everything…”

Lelouch choked out a laugh, “Oh don’t say that, you have no idea about the half of it.”

“I saw what you planned... you showed it to me. I know you wanted to make the world hate you so that it could know peace. You tried to make me hate you so I could know peace...”

Lelouch pulled away and stared at her, eyes wide, “How did you know that? What do you mean I showed it to you?”

Nunnally gasped a little when she saw his eyes, but pressed on. “When I held your hand, you showed me. I don’t know how you did it, but... as you were dying you showed me your memories. I saw you talking to Suzaku, telling him to kill you. You said you had the world’s hatred focused on you... that your death would bring peace.” 

Lelouch flinched at the memory, “I didn’t know I could do that.”

“I didn’t either... it’s something to do with Geass, isn’t it?”

Lelouch looked away, “Yeah... how do you know about Geass anyway?”

“Schneizel told me. Before the Damocles battle, he said you had the power to control minds.”

“How did Schneizel…? Never mind.” He shook his head. Of course Schneizel had figured it out. 

“Suzaku told him.” Lelouch didn’t know what he’d expected to be honest; Suzaku had hated him back then. Nunnally bowed her head. “You did some bad things... but it’s because of you that we can live in peace now. We owe you a huge debt.”

Lelouch just stared at her. Was she... understanding? “You... how... I don’t...”

She looked up at him and smiled warmly. “I’m proud of you, Lelouch.”

Lelouch was stunned. This was the last thing he’d ever expected. A tear ran silently down his face, swiftly followed by more and then he was crying silently just looking at the one person who forgave him. 

Nunnally leaned forward, holding out her arms. “Don’t cry, brother...” 

Lelouch hugged her tightly, “I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve to have someone acknowledge what you did.”

“Nobody was supposed to know... it was supposed to be a secret.”

“I know... which is why I let them hate you. Because if I told them it would ruin what you made.”

He took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I was supposed to die and stay dead, and then you wouldn’t have to worry about this.” He straightened the cape and smoothed down his jacket. He’d missed wearing the Zero outfit. 

Nunnally nodded. “But... now you’re here... will you stay?”

Lelouch sighed, “I’m here as long as Suzaku wants me here I suppose. But now you know... it’s not like I can do anything so I may as well stay.”

“In the palace? Or in the country?”

“I’m living with Suzaku at the moment, not very far away actually.”

“That’s good.” Nunnally breathed, relieved. “I’m glad you have each other.”

“Me too...” Lelouch stared into the middle distance thinking about Suzaku, who right now was fighting for his life. He sat down heavily on an ornamental chair, “Oh god... Suzaku.”

“He’ll be okay, Lelouch. I promise.”

Lelouch put his head in his hands, “I don’t want to be alone again.”

“You won’t be. Just sit down, and try to relax. His operation won’t take too long, I don’t think. They might want to keep him here to check on him, though.”

Lelouch almost laughed at the irony of his younger sister comforting him, “I hope... I just want him to be okay.” He shook his head, “I’m sorry, I’m a mess.”

“Your best friend just got stabbed. I don’t blame you.”

“My best... oh yeah... okay...”

“Isn’t he?” Nunnally frowned. 

“He is...” Lelouch sighed. He didn’t want to surprise Suzaku with Nunnally knowing just yet. 

Nunnally tilted her head to one side, frowning. “But... there’s something else, isn’t there?”

Lelouch’s head snapped up. She was annoyingly perceptive. “What? No.”

“Did you fall out?”

Lelouch blushed and turned his head away, “No!”

“No?” Nunnally looked relieved. “Good.”

Lelouch gave up sitting still after an hour and began pacing up and down the length of the small room. He hadn’t eaten that day and was feeling like he could fall over any second but he was so worried that anything he did eat wouldn’t go down well. It took just over two hours for any news to come. Nunnally tried to console her agitated brother, but there was only so much she could do. Eventually, there was a light knock on the door, startling both of them. Lelouch rushed for the mask, slipping it on as the door was opened. The guard from earlier came in, and inclined his head in a respectful nod. 

“My Lady, Zero is in recovery. Dr Reynolds says he will need to stay here for four days at least, and should not be exposed to too much excitement. He will still be under for another twenty minutes or so, but you are permitted to see him.” 

Lelouch shot out of the room, “Take me to him right now.” Nunnally smiled a little and followed him, heading back to the room Suzaku was in. 

If it looked like a medical bay before, it was even more so now. There was a drip in Suzaku’s arm and an oxygen mask over his face. The knife was gone, a neat cut in its place, sealed with blank stitches and wrapped in bandages under the hospital gown. He was still unconscious, but breathing steadily. Lelouch let out a shuddering breath and rushed across the room to Suzaku’s side grabbing hold of his hand. He was pale but otherwise looked fine- that was good. That meant he’d live. Lelouch knew they’d have to stay in the palace until he had recovered enough to leave, and though he wasn’t looking forward to it, he’d do anything for Suzaku. 

Nunnally arrived a moment later. “He looks peaceful.” She commented, stopping her chair beside Lelouch. “I told you he’d be okay. He has a strong will to live.” 

Lelouch laughed brokenly, “Oh, I wish he did.” He looked back at Suzaku, it seemed that he’d spent far too much time at his hospital bedside. Once again, he had horrible flashbacks of the two months after the Lancelot’s explosion, when the scars all up and down his side were fresh and open. Yet another incident Suzaku wouldn’t have survived without Lelouch’s Geass command.

Nunnally rested a hand on her brother’s shoulder. “He does, for you.” Lelouch leaned into the touch briefly before pulling away and refocusing on Suzaku, who was starting to come around. 

He felt strange. Dizzy and kind of ill, messed up on the inside. He was aware of a warm touch on his hand, and opened his eyes to see... Zero? He frowned. Wasn’t he supposed to be in that mask? 

Lelouch turned to Nunnally, “Lock the door please.” Once their privacy was ensured, he turned back to Suzaku and took the mask off. “Welcome back. You terrified me, you know.” 

On the bed, Suzaku blinked slowly. “...Lelouch? Where are we? Why are you in the Zero outfit?”"

“You idiot, you got stabbed and I couldn’t stay behind and watch. I came to find you.” He smiled gently, “Do you like my disguise?”

“It’s not a disguise if you don’t wear the mask...” Suzaku murmured, closing his eyes again. “I feel... bad.” 

“I’ve been wearing it until now.” His hands fluttered over Suzaku unsure of where he could touch, “Do you want me to get you anything? Water? A doctor?”

“A doctor?” Suzaku asked, and frowned. “Kanon... Kanon stabbed me. He tried to kill me, Lelouch...” With that, he tried to sit up, looking around for the threat.

“Hey, breathe with me. You’re okay, they fixed you. You’re still here.” He settled on grabbing Suzaku’s hand, holding it tight.

“I made a promise.” Suzaku shifted a little, then winced, hissing, and lay still again. “I promised I wouldn’t leave you.”

Lelouch bent down and buried his head in Suzaku’s shoulder, “You did it, you kept your promise. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you sooner.”

“It’s okay... I should have known...”

“Nobody could have expected you to know. I should have guessed this could happen when I Geassed Schneizel. Kanon is loyal to a fault.”

“No, I felt it... I thought it was, you know, the drink, but... I felt off the whole time. Like I had to run away. Your Geass, it was warning me and I ignored it.” 

Lelouch’s laugh was more like a sob, “It’s okay, I guess that’s just another reason to lay off the alcohol.”

“I’m trying...” Suzaku breathed. “Lelouch, my stomach hurts.” 

“That might be because you got stabbed. Do you think it’s something else? Do you need anything?” Lelouch was panicking, but he didn’t want Suzaku to see that.  

“I need...” Suzaku started, and then sighed. “Never mind. You being here is enough.” 

“No what is it?” Lelouch wanted Suzaku to be as comfortable as possible. 

“I feel crap, Lelou. Like I said... I thought the paranoia was a withdrawal thing.” 

Lelouch looked thoughtful, “What do you think could help?  _ Other _ than a drink.”

“I don’t know... like I said, you being here helps. I think I just have to deal with it.”

Lelouch sat down on the edge of the bed, being very careful to not get tangled in any of the wires, and leant down to gently kiss Suzaku’s forehead. The oxygen mask was in the way of a proper kiss and Lelouch wouldn’t remove that until he knew for certain Suzaku was going to be okay. 

Suzaku closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle contact. “I’m sorry I scared you...”

Lelouch just rested his forehead against Suzaku’s, “It’s not your fault.”

One hand came up to tentatively investigate his injury. The heavy clip affixed to his finger made it a little harder, but he felt out where the cut was, and frowned. If it had been just a couple inches to the left, it would have ruptured his stomach and he would have died. The fact that he couldn’t remember the precise moment when he had been stabbed meant that, once again, the Geass had taken over at the last possible second, and for the first time he was actually grateful for it, except...

An icy chill went down his spine. “Lelouch... did I... do anything? Hurt anyone?”

Lelouch sat up, “I don’t think so... you pinned Kanon but didn’t hurt him. They wouldn’t let me see him so I couldn’t check.”

“Oh... Okay.” Suzaku relaxed a bit. “I was worried I might have... you know. Flipped out again.”

Lelouch felt guilty. He knew Suzaku worried about the effects of the Geass causing him to harm people, “You didn’t, everyone’s safe. I can’t speak for myself, however.”

Suzaku’s eyes flicked to him, instantly concerned. “What did you do?”

“Nothing. Yet.”

“Yet.” Suzaku deadpanned. “I swear to God, Lelouch, if you start something again I’m going to kill you. Again.” 

Lelouch looked away and almost snarled out his reply, “I’m not making any promises. Kanon hurt you.”

“He did it for Schneizel. Because I control him.”

“I don’t care. He nearly killed you, Suzaku!”

“He didn’t succeed. No one ever does.”

“It doesn’t matter! He’s not getting away with this...” Lelouch was pacing now, gesturing wildly. 

Suzaku reached up to grab his collar and pull him down, ignoring the fatigue the move brought. “Do not kill him, Lelouch. Promise me you won’t.”

Lelouch didn’t resist, he didn’t want Suzaku hurting himself. “Okay... I won’t  _ kill _ him.”

Suzaku growled. “Don’t give me another reason to doubt you.”

Lelouch sighed but relented, “I won’t... I just... Suzaku, I thought you were dying.”

Suzaku held on a moment longer, and then let go, the hard look in his eyes softening a little. “I know. And I know you do overreact sometimes. I’m just here to remind you that some things aren’t okay. Now that you know I’m gonna be okay, you can move on.” 

Lelouch let out a shuddering breath and leant down to hug Suzaku tentatively, being careful to not touch his wound, “You are okay... you  _ are _ okay...” 

“I don’t know, Lelou. I don’t think being confined to bed because I might tear my stomach open counts as okay.” Suzaku told him, but it was a tease. “I need to heal, but I will be okay.” 

Lelouch didn’t need the reminder of the injury, the video footage still scrolling through his mind, “Please don’t joke about it, I nearly lost you... I can’t do this without you.” Tears soaked into Suzaku’s hospital gown, “I’m sorry, I should be comforting you not the other way around.” His voice was muffled. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re not going to lose me. I made a promise.”

Lelouch didn’t answer, he just kept holding Suzaku, needing to reassure himself that Suzaku was fine. He was fraying badly around the edges, and felt like he could snap at any moment. Suzaku would have hugged back, but his body was feeling heavy and lethargic. Over Lelouch’s shoulder, he made eye contact with Nunnally, who smiled softly and waved. Immediately, he was concerned. “Your highness.” He said politely, tapping Lelouch on the back to get him to sit up. “How long have you been here?”

“Since the surgeon said you could receive visitors.” She told him, smiling brightly. “You don’t have to be so formal, Suzaku. It’s only me.” 

Lelouch sat back blushing, he’d forgotten Nunnally was in the room, he’d been to concerned with Suzaku. 

Suzaku’s gaze flicked from her to Lelouch and back again. “You... spoke to Lelouch already?”

“Yes. I still have questions, but I wanted to make sure you were alright before that.” 

“Oh.” He felt a little overwhelmed. “You’re taking it well.”

“Knowing the truth helps.” She said softly, and Suzaku looked shocked. Just how much did she know?"

“What questions do you have?” His hand tightened on Suzaku’s; he hated reliving everything, but Nunnally deserved to know. 

“How? How are you alive?”

“Who, me or Suzaku?”

“You. Though I am curious about Suzaku, too.”

“Can’t help you there.” Suzaku told her apologetically. “I know it was the Geass, but I can’t remember what happens when it’s active. Properly, anyway. Sometimes it just takes over- normally when I either can’t or won’t save myself on my own.”

Lelouch looked away. He hadn’t ever told Suzaku about those two months. He never wanted to relive that time. 

“They said the Lancelot blew up. That it was completely destroyed.” Nunnally didn’t notice Lelouch’s discomfort.

“Pretty much.” Suzaku confirmed. “I have scars from the explosion.” He gestured weakly at his side, and the horrible discolouration there. Lelouch flushed and turned so his hair covered his face, he remembered just days ago kissing all along Suzaku’s side, tracing all the small debris scars and the edges of the burns. Suzaku had been tied up at the time, which had made it incredibly erotic and enabled him to take as much time to appreciate Suzaku’s entire body, even the scars he normally tried to draw attention away from. Suzaku noticed Lelouch’s blush, and smiled a little underneath the mask, closing his eyes for a moment against the lethargy. 

“And... Lelouch?” Nunnally asked. “Explain to me how you’re still here, please.”

Lelouch winced. He’d hoped to get away with not explaining, but she was remarkably persistent. “You’re a lot more bossy now... what have I done?” He joked weakly. At her unimpressed stare he grudgingly began to explain. “I did die, you saw that. It wasn’t fake and it hurt like hell.” His voice trembled. Both him and Suzaku had tried to go over their feelings on this subject before, but he still found it incredibly difficult and tried to shy away from talking about it if he could help it. Suzaku looked exhausted and Lelouch felt awful, but he needed him if he was getting through this conversation without having a panic attack, something that had not yet happened. He squeezed Suzaku’s hand hard, needing the reassurance. Suzaku opened his eyes just a crack, curling his fingers around Lelouch’s and running his thumb over Lelouch’s, quietly reassuring him. That helped. He took a deep breath and fixed his gaze on the sheets of Suzaku’s bed. “I died but I woke up about three days later having acquired a Code. I don’t know how much you know about Geass but in its final form it makes the user immortal.” He didn’t like thinking about that, “So yeah... I can’t die now.”

“As in... you don’t age, either?” Nunnally asked, bewildered. 

Lelouch shrugged weakly, “Not as far as I know.”

Nunnally stared at him for a moment, then gave him a half-smile. “Then at least I know there will always be someone watching over our peace.” Lelouch hunched over. He’d been prepared for her to hate him and was fully ready to shut down. He was not ready for her to accept it, and even to appreciate it. He constantly underestimated her. She moved forwards so she could take Lelouch’s other hand. “I love you, brother. No matter what you’ve been through.”

He let go of Suzaku to wrap her in a hug again, “I love you so much. It killed me when I thought I’d die and never get the chance to talk to you again. Although nothing could compare to realising I would watch you from afar for the rest of your life and never be able to see you again.”

“Please don’t stay away. Even if you don’t stay here, visit.” She pleaded, hugging him close. “I want you here, watching over me.”

“I won’t. I’m staying here until Suzaku leaves, and after that I can be here whenever you want me.”

“Good. I’ll need your help making some decisions, I think. Being Empress is hard.” 

In the bed, Suzaku raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you should be asking Lelouch for political advice?” He asked in a scratchy voice.

“Hey! My political advice got us this far!!” 

“Your political advice has a reputation for a reason.” 

“Well it worked didn’t it? We’re here now.”

“Mm.” Suzaku closed his eyes, sounding unsure. “Just because I’m willing to make allowances now doesn’t mean I wholeheartedly approve of how you do things.”

Lelouch shrugged and looked expectantly at Nunnally, “Well it wouldn’t be me making the decisions would it?”

“No.” Nunnally laughed. “Just giving advice. And I trust that he understands that certain things are no longer necessary to maintain peace.”

“Of course I do!” He scowled at them, “It’s like you have no faith in me!” He was inordinately excited to have the opportunity to take the political stage again, even as an advisor only. 

“To be fair, your track record isn’t great.” Suzaku pointed out, gesturing at him without opening his eyes. “Tired... Keep the nightmares away for me?” He asked in a weak voice. 

“My track record is perfectly successful thank you very much.” He snarked before softening, “Of course I will, what do you want me to do?”

“Just stay here. Wake me if I start freaking out.”

It didn’t take long for Suzaku to fall asleep and Lelouch wasn’t far behind him, falling asleep in a chair and pillowing his head on his arms on the bed, hand clutching Suzaku’s. He was criminally exhausted, and the second he got a moment’s silence it got the better of him. Nunnally watched them both, smiling softly. Deciding to give them some privacy, she left them both there, giving strict orders for no one to enter the room and posting guards at the door to make sure. 


	13. Things often get worse before they get better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't go well.

Lelouch woke up panicking after two hours but calmed himself on his own; he didn’t want to wake Suzaku who was still sleeping peacefully. His neck and back hurt from sleeping both sitting down and bent over. He rolled his shoulders to try and loosen them but just ended up in more pain. He felt faint and exhausted and couldn’t remember the last time he ate. Ignoring everything as best he could, he settled down to guard Suzaku until he woke up. 

Suzaku might have slept longer than Lelouch, but he wasn’t wholly free. His nightmares didn’t wake him up screaming like Lelouch’s. They were quiet and unsettling. When he did wake, it was with a start, and it took him a moment to re-establish himself, his injury itching under the bandages that encircled his torso. Lelouch was there instantly, hands fluttering over him as he tried to find somewhere to touch that wouldn’t hurt, “Hey, are you okay?”

Suzaku flinched away to start with, but then relaxed. “...Lelouch.” He murmured, and sighed, closing his eyes. “Bad dream.”

Lelouch wanted nothing more than to climb into bed with Suzaku and wrap himself around him like they normally did when one of them had a nightmare, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to hurt him. He settled for holding his hand and resting his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, “I’m here.”

Suzaku squeezed his hand gently. “How long was I out?”

Lelouch had no idea but guessed anyway, “About 5 hours. Do you feel any better?”

“Less tired.” Suzaku admitted, but didn’t add to that. 

Lelouch sighed, “I want to go home.”

“Me too.” Suzaku tapped on his stomach gently with restless fingers. “I don’t think they’re gonna let me go yet, though.”

“No I don’t think so... do you want anything?” There was a water jug on the other side of the room which someone had clearly brought in while they were sleeping. That worried Lelouch briefly before he decided that he was too tired to care. 

Suzaku took inventory. He didn’t feel much like eating- not that he could, with the mask on. Speaking of which... “I don’t think so. Lelouch, have you eaten anything since you came here?”

Lelouch paused, thinking, “Uh... no?”

“You should.” He held up his arm, indicating the IV needle. “I don’t need to.”

Lelouch waved him off, “It’s okay. I’m not hungry.”

“Doesn’t matter. You need to eat.”

“I can see if I can find something for you if you want.” He tried to compromise. As if feeling faint and dizzy wasn’t enough he was starting to feel extremely sick, god he needed a coffee. 

“Please do.” Suzaku smiled softly. If he could get Lelouch to buy it then maybe he’d eat it himself rather than let it go to waste. 

“Okay.” Lelouch reached for his helmet and the world swayed sickeningly. Taking a deep breath he grabbed it and put it on. Stars floated across his vision as he tried to get up. Once upright he clutched tightly to the side of Suzaku’s bed and waited for the worst headrush of his entire life to fade. It didn’t. He staggered towards the door, pulling himself together slowly and visibly straightening before exiting to go and find food. 

Suzaku watched him go with concern. He had a nasty feeling that Lelouch hadn’t eaten since the last meal they’d had together, the day before yesterday. Of course, it could also be caffeine withdrawal, which was a double-edged sword. 

Lelouch pulled himself together long enough to obtain food for Suzaku and a coffee for himself. It was as strong as they could make it apparently. The idea of food was abhorrent; he felt awful and was convinced food would only make it worse. He walked back to Suzaku’s room trying desperately not to fall over or look anything less than the perfect imposing figure of Zero. 

By the time he came back, Suzaku had been checked on, and his bandages changed. He had a fresh IV, and the mask had been replaced by a cannula. He was propped up on pillows and talking in a quiet voice to the doctor checking on him when Lelouch returned. At the appearance of the imposing figure, she stood up and finished scribbling her notes. Thanking Suzaku, she nodded once and left, clearly eager to remove herself from such close proximity to Zero. 

“Hey.” Suzaku said as soon as the doctor had gone and the door was shut. “You made it.”

Lelouch set the food down carefully on Suzaku’s bedside table and collapsed in the chair shaking like a leaf. He practically ripped off the mask and grabbed the coffee drinking the whole thing in about three gulps despite it being practically boiling. 

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. “When I was suffering withdrawal I just bucked up and took it. I know it’s not pleasant but it’s never going to go away if you keep feeding it.” 

Lelouch glared at him, “Not now.” He gestured at the food, leaning back and closing his eyes against the pounding in his head, “That’s yours.”

“I’m not supposed to eat a lot.” Suzaku gestured at the door. “Doctor’s orders. That’s your lunch.” 

Lelouch looked at him, “That’s low. That’s very low. You knew this earlier, didn’t you?” He pointedly didn’t look at the food. 

“It’s not low to try to get my boyfriend to eat.” Suzaku pointed out. “Don’t think I didn’t see you nearly keel over when you left.”

“My foot had fallen asleep!”

“You said you haven’t eaten anything since you got here. By my watch, that makes it meal time.”

Lelouch grumbled but turned to the food, the minute he looked at it, his stomach lurched, “I can’t.”

“Lelou...” Suzaku sighed. “If you don’t eat you’re going to end up in a bed right next to mine, with an IV of your own.” 

“I know, I just can’t Suzaku. The thought of it makes me feel even worse.”

Suzaku thought for a moment, trying to find a practical solution. “Could you manage a smoothie? A protein shake?” 

Lelouch looked at him, “I don’t know.” He hung his head, “I’m sorry... this should be about you. You’re injured after all.”

“I just don’t want to watch you starve yourself to death. I don’t care if you’d just wake up again, because you’d still be weak and tired and far too thin all the time. And I don’t think I’d cope very well if you died on me.” 

Lelouch let out a choked laugh, “I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t want this... I just can’t...” He swallowed heavily and picked up a bread roll, “I’ll try.”

“Just... don’t throw up on me, okay?” Suzaku gave him a half-smile. “And we’ll try and find ways for you to get the calories you need without eating, if you can’t do it.” 

Lelouch ate about half the bread roll before giving up, “I’m sorry. I tried.” He spoke quietly, disappointed with himself and horrified at how far he’d fallen. 

“It’s something.” Suzaku reassured him. “We’ll look into ways to help when I’m allowed to leave.”

“What do we do now? We’re falling apart, Suzaku.”

“Survive.” Suzaku sighed. “It’s all we can do, right? Survive and try to make things as easy as possible. And now you have Nunnally, and you can play an active role in keeping the peace. And you have me.” He stopped, contemplating his words. “We have a long way to go in our relationship.”

Lelouch panicked momentarily, “Was it something I did?!”

“It’s more like something you- we- haven’t done yet. Lots of things, really.” Suzaku’s fingers curled and uncurled on his front as he thought. “Do you ever think about where we’re going to end up?” 

Lelouch leaned back, feeling less sick and dizzy now he’d had a coffee, though the caffeine pills in his pocket were burning a hole in the fabric. “Yeah... there is stuff I want to do... I don’t know where we will end up. Happier hopefully.”

Suzaku nodded, not voicing his thoughts. He didn’t want to scare Lelouch by being too serious too soon.

“Ugh this sucks. I want to hug you and I can’t.” Lelouch smirked, “I want to do a lot of things to you but that would be ill advised in your current condition.”

Suzaku blushed a little, and gave him a look. “Yeah, I think that counts as strenuous activity.”

“How long do you have to avoid ‘strenuous activity’?”

Suzaku grimaced. “Six weeks, give or take. But I think the sooner I get back into my normal routine the better.”

“Six weeks!! How strenuous is strenuous?”

“I don’t know. The good news is he said I should get back into exercise as soon as possible, as long as it’s not the really heavy stuff. I shouldn’t lift weights or anything like that, but he recommended I keep up with my cardio workouts.” 

“Okay... so...” Lelouch raised an eyebrow suggestively before a look of dawning horror crossed his face, “You don’t want me to do your cardio workouts too do you?”

Suzaku couldn’t hold in a snort of laughter. “No. I think you’d pass out if I put you on a treadmill at this rate.” 

Lelouch joined him in laughing, “Probably.” 

“Maybe you’d better do most of the work for the foreseeable future, though.” Suzaku admitted. “And maybe I should stop carrying you around, even if you do weigh next to nothing.”

“Yeah I think carrying me around still counts as heavy lifting.” He paused and winked at Suzaku, “I can definitely do my best.”

Suzaku chuckled. “I look forward to it.” 

There was a tap on the door at that moment, and Lelouch lunged for the mask, slipping it on just in time for the door to open. Suzaku looked up at the motion, startled. Nunnally came into the room slowly, so as not to startle either of them. 

“Oh, Suzaku, you’re awake! How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright.” Suzaku smiled softly. “Not looking forward to spending days in bed, but here we are.” 

She smiled softly and wheeled over to the bed to take Suzaku’s hand, “You look better today, you scared us all you know. Lelouch was in a panic for a while.” Lelouch had collapsed back into the chair upon realising it was Nunnally. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” Suzaku’s smile was warm. He’d always gotten along well with Nunnally. “Like I said to Lelouch, I made a promise. I’m not going anywhere for as long as I’m needed.” 

“I need you.” Lelouch grumbled, grabbing hold of Suzaku’s hand. Nunnally laughed.

“We all do. I actually came in here to ask if you needed anything, but I see Lelouch has been taking care of you.” She nodded towards the food on the side, “I also wanted to ask you if, when you are a little better, you would feel comfortable testifying in court against Earl Maldini?”

Suzaku thought about it for a moment. “If I do... he will receive the maximum sentence, won’t he?” 

“Good.” Lelouch’s tone was vicious. If Suzaku wouldn’t let him at Kanon personally he was going to use the legal methods to his best advantage. 

Nunnally hesitated, “It’s not certain but it’s probable. As you probably guessed Schneizel is doing his utmost to reduce charges.”"

“I...” Suzaku glanced at Lelouch, and then nodded. “Can I speak to him before the trial? In person, not as Zero?” 

Lelouch froze, “No, absolutely not. Are you mad?! He tried to kill you!!”

“If he’s behind bars or restrained, he can’t hurt me.” 

Nunnally remained thoughtful as Lelouch spluttered and vehemently protested Suzaku’s argument. Finally she spoke in a way that brokered no further argument, “I don’t see any problem with that, but I’d want the doctor’s opinion that you are up for it before you go anywhere.”

“That makes sense.” Suzaku acquiesced. “And I don’t want to make myself known to the public just yet, so I’d have to visit in the Zero outfit, even if I am wearing the mask.” At that, he stopped and touched the hospital gown he’d been in since he’d woken up. “Speaking of, where is it?” 

Nunnally blushed a little, “They had to cut it off you, so I’m afraid it’s gone now. Maybe you could borrow Lelouch’s?” 

Suzaku looked to Lelouch. “...May I?”

Lelouch was disbelieving, “This... you... they... What?!” He shook himself, “ _ You _ want to wear  _ this _ ?!” He pulled at his shirt, “You really think it will fit over...” he gestured limply at Suzaku, “...you?”

Suzaku flushed a little. “It might be a bit tight, but I can manage.” 

“I’m really not convinced. Also, what do you mean it was cut off him?! I made that! By hand!!”

“I think me being seen to about having a knife in my gut was more important than preserving your outfit, wasn’t it?”

Lelouch flushed in embarrassment, “Of course it was!”

“I’m sorry it got ruined, but... it was so covered in blood it was probably unsalvageable anyway.”

“ _ Tch _ , I suppose so... I’ll make you another one, it’s not like you’re going anywhere.”

“Thank you. In the meantime, I guess I’m stuck here, huh?”

Lelouch sighed, “We both are.”

“You can leave. You still have your disguise.”

Lelouch gave him a look, “I’m not going anywhere without you unless I absolutely have to.”

Suzaku smiled a little. “I figured as much.”

Nunnally smiled at them, “I’ll see what I can do about getting you a bigger room. You can stay together if you would like.”

Suzaku looked over at her, blushing. “Would you? Is that- I mean, are you okay with that?” 

Nunnally looked confused, “What do you mean? You’re best friends aren’t you? It’s understandable you’d like to be together.”

“...Oh.” Suzaku’s eyes flicked to Lelouch, who was looking utterly mortified. “Yeah. That.”

Nunnally’s eyes narrowed, “What am I missing here? Lelouch?” She stared at her brother, watching him squirm. She couldn’t remember ever seeing him this embarrassed before. 

Suzaku gave him an apologetic look. “Come on, she’s your sister. She should know.”

Lelouch opened and closed his mouth a few times, no sound coming out. He looked pleadingly at Suzaku. 

“She should know what?” Nunnally’s voice was stern but she was trying very hard not to laugh at Lelouch’s struggle. 

Suzaku laced his fingers with Lelouch’s, and held up their hands. “Things changed a bit...”

Nunnally looked at their clasped hands, confused. “What are you trying to say?”

“Suzaku’s my boyfriend!” Lelouch blurted out, flaming red and humiliated.

Suzaku laughed and squeezed his hand, reassuring him. “Yeah... I guess we figured out some things after everything happened.”

Nunnally squealed and clasped her hands together, “I’m so happy for you both! You are adorable!”

Now it was Suzaku’s turn to blush. “You’re... not surprised?”

“Why would I be? Lelouch has really liked you for ages, he was so obvious! I’m just glad you finally did something about it. I thought it would never happen!”

“Oh really?” Suzaku raised an eyebrow at Lelouch, amused. 

Lelouch glared at Nunnally, “I was not obvious! How did you... even... you know what, whatever.” He threw his hands up before crossing his arms and sulking. 

Suzaku laughed aloud. “Oh, Lelouch. I’m flattered, I really am.” 

Lelouch hit him on the shoulder far away from anything that looked painful. “I told you! This is why I didn’t tell her!”

“She’s happy for us. Isn’t that all that matters?” He asked, and then looked back at Nunnally. “We can still have that shared room, right?”

It was Nunnally’s turn to blush, “O-Of course. Just... keep it down.”

Suzaku at least had the decency to look embarrassed. “Recovering from surgery, remember? I doubt anything’s going to happen.”

Lelouch wanted to make an inappropriate joke but refrained, there was something about having his sister there that shut that down fast. 

“Thank you, anyway.” Suzaku moved on, glossing over that. “I don’t know how long we’ll be here, and I don’t want to abuse your hospitality, but... I don’t think going home is a good idea just yet.”

Nunnally laughed, “Of course, you’re both welcome for as long as you need to be here.” She wanted them there for as long as possible. 

“Thank you.” Suzaku squeezed Lelouch’s hand. 

“Oh Lelouch, I wanted to ask you... Why the fuck is the courtyard on fire?” Lelouch reeled from hearing her swearing, and didn’t really register the question. 

Suzaku was startled too. “Nunnally!”

“Don’t you Nunnally me Suzaku! Lelouch, explain.” She pointed accusingly at him. Lelouch was confused... he hadn’t really registered the original question. 

Suzaku’s scandalised eyes turned on Lelouch. “You set the courtyard on fire?” 

“Maybe just a little bit...”

“Lelouch!” Suzaku reprimanded, and then sighed. “Please tell me you didn’t hurt anyone.”

Lelouch froze, trying to remember, “...I don’t think so.”

“You don’t  _ think _ so?”

“I didn’t hang around to check!”

Suzaku sighed heavily, closing his eyes. “Lelouch... you’re awful. You’re terrible sometimes.”

“You blew up a petrol tanker Lelouch! Three people died!” Nunnally was ranting now. 

“ _ What _ ?” Suzaku asked, voice cracking a little, trying to push himself up and then wincing and falling back down. He took a deep breath, pressing both hands to his face. He didn’t know how to process that. He couldn’t process it. How was he supposed to react?

Lelouch had gone white, his heart was beating too fast and he could hear the blood rushing through his ears. “I...”

“Don’t.” Suzaku said in a low voice. “Just don’t. Please. Don’t try and justify it. I swear to God, Lelouch, I try so hard to have faith in you.” 

Suzaku may as well have punched him, Lelouch could barely breathe, “I... wasn’t going to...”

“Nunnally, have you made sure that everyone who was injured has received medical care? And the people who died... they’re being identified?”

Nunnally nodded, “Don’t worry, everything’s been taken care of.” Suzaku nodded quietly. He didn’t know what else to say. Honestly, what had he expected? 

Nunnally left after that, sensing that the two might need some time to process. She told the guards that no matter what they heard they weren’t to investigate.

Suzaku watched Nunnally leave out of the corner of his eye and then turned his expression to Lelouch, eyes cold. “Why? Why did you do it?”

“I...” all he could think of was that Suzaku was going to leave him, this was it, “I... it... I...”

“Lelouch.” 

Lelouch stilled at the tone, “I needed to be here. I thought you were... dying. The... the broadcast cut off after... after you were stabbed... I thought I was too late.”

“So you panicked. You panicked, and blew up three people.” 

Lelouch’s shoulders slumped and he put his head in his hands, “I... Yes..”

Suzaku was silent for a painfully long moment. “You promised you wouldn’t do anything. You wouldn’t ruin it.” 

“I know...” what could he say? He’d ruined it and lost Suzaku all because he couldn’t handle himself. 

Suzaku held out his hand, palm upwards. “Give me your hand.”

Lelouch hesitantly placed his hand in Suzaku’s, wondering if this was it, the last time he’d ever touch him. He supposed he deserved it. He’d blown it completely. 

Suzaku clasped his hand with both of his own, and pulled him down a little roughly. “Look at me.”

Lelouch let Suzaku drag him, worried that if he resisted he’d hurt him and brought his eyes up to meet Suzaku’s. 

“Now promise me. Promise me, Lelouch, that you won’t do it again. That you will never needlessly take a life, for any reason.” 

Lelouch was confused, Suzaku wasn’t pushing him away. “I...” he cleared his throat, “I promise.”

“Swear it on my life.”

Lelouch pulled back, “Suzaku!”

Suzaku’s grip tightened, stopping him. “No. Swear it.”

“On your life?!” He mentally shook himself, “I... I swear it.”

Suzaku held him for a second longer, and then kissed his knuckles gently. “I’m still mad at you.” He told him bluntly. “But I can’t have you looking at me like that.” 

“What?” Lelouch was reeling, did that just happen? 

“I expect you to keep that promise. Don’t take it lightly.” Suzaku warned. “I know you were scared, but it’s still not okay.”

“I... okay... I promise...” He paused, “What do you mean looking at you like that?”

“Like I’m about to break your heart.”

All the breath left Lelouch’s lungs as if he’d been winded, “I thought you were going to... you’d have been justified.”

“You think I put up with everything that happened, all the atrocities you’ve committed to end it all over one petrol tanker?” 

He held Suzaku’s hand tighter, “I thought it might have been the final straw.” He let out a broken laugh, “I’m sorry... I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Hey. Come here.”

Lelouch stood and bent down to Suzaku’s level as best he could. Suzaku kissed him softly, careful to mind the cannula but needing to reassure his boyfriend. When he lay back down, he smiled softly. “Thank you. But you deserve this.” He said firmly, gesturing to himself. “No sex for a couple of weeks, at least.”

Lelouch groaned playfully, “Damn and I’d been working so hard.”

“Karma, Lelouch. You get off easy because you go through hell already, but the universe needs some way to tell you it’s not okay.”

“I think the universe has done enough to screw me over at this point.”

“Mm. Probably.” Suzaku agreed. “I will say, I’m a little bit upset that you thought I’d give up on you that easily, after everything we’ve been through. After everything I did by your side.”

“I know it’s just... it’s been so normal these past few weeks and,” he took a shuddering breath, “I almost threw it all out the window. It was like going back two years. I would forgive you anything but you never forgave me and nor do I expect you to, I was just... I can’t lose you and I suppose I’ll be worried about that for some time yet.”

“I need you as much as you need me, Lelou.” Suzaku said in a quiet voice. “Whether or not I forgive you, I’m still willing to move on because you’re the best chance I have of being happy.” 

Lelouch squeezed Suzaku’s hand and closed his eyes, “Thank you.”

“You do know this means you’re going to be all over the news now, right?” Suzaku asked softly. “Right after I got stabbed, too. People are going to ask questions.” 

Lelouch flinched, “I hadn’t thought about that... How do you want to play it? We’re a team now.”

“I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m going to need someone to step in and do my duties whilst I’m laid up.” He nodded his head in Lelouch’s direction. 

“You want me to... Suzaku no, people will notice!”

“Will they? You’ll be in the mask. As long as you don’t act drastically different you should be good.” 

“I suppose I could... we’ll have to put it past Nunnally...”

“Like I said, it’s mostly just standing over Nunnally’s shoulder whilst she does things. It’s not hard.”

Lelouch rolled his eyes, “That’s not going to be the hard bit.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No, the hard bit is going to be letting Nunnally make the decisions and watching my younger sister hold absolute authority.”

“She seems to be doing a good job so far. Don’t you trust her?”

“No I do it’s just...” He broke off to think, “I still see her as someone who needs to be protected and I find it hard to step out of that. She’s changed and it had nothing to do with me.”

“It had everything to do with you. You are the reason she’s been able to become such a benevolent empress.” 

He scoffed, “I hardly think that I can give myself credit for that.”

“For being such a genius, Lelouch, you sure can be an idiot sometimes. Everything you did led to this.”

Lelouch gave in, “Maybe so.” 

Smiling up at him, Suzaku nudged his hand. “Be proud of her. She deserves it.”

Lelouch was quiet, “I am proud of her. She’s done so well...”

“And I know it’s tempting for you to stick your nose in, but do you really think she needs that?”

Lelouch’s shoulders slumped further, Suzaku was right. No matter how much he wanted to do something, how much he wanted his life to have meaning he couldn’t do this to Nunnally. He knew she’d value his opinion, potentially to the point that she’d consider it more valuable than her own. “No...” he took a deep breath, he was starting to feel terrible again, the caffeine wearing off. “It’s not fair on her... you’re right I’ll... I’ll stay out of it.”

“You can wear the mask whilst I’m injured, and if she asks you can offer advice, but don’t try to take control away from her.”

“I would never!” He looked at Suzaku, horrified. “She’s doing a far better job than me!” His laugh was dark, “I don’t matter anymore, this is her show now.” He knew he was putting himself down and being uncharacteristically self deprecating but he was feeling awful, the headache and dizziness were back with a vengeance, and couldn’t help snapping at Suzaku.  

“She’s doing a different job to you.” Suzaku reminded him calmly, squeezing his hand. “The plan wouldn’t have worked without either of you.”

“Always with the plan! Sometimes I wish it never even happened!” He exclaimed, ripping his hand from Suzaku’s and turning away to pace. “I...” he stumbled, catching himself on the wall.

Suzaku was startled, but withdrew his hand. He stayed quiet, looking away and letting Lelouch work his thoughts out. He knew that in this state of mind, anything he said would just make things worse. Lelouch pushed himself off the wall, infuriated with his weakness. “You know, sometimes I wish this was someone else’s life.” He flung his hand out, swaying slightly with the movement, “Then they’d have to deal with all of this crap and we could be back at Ashford where the most stressful thing I ever had to worry about was avoiding Milly!”

“I know.” Suzaku said quietly. “I do too.”

Lelouch dropped his head, hair falling into his eyes, when he spoke his voice was bitter, “It’s not fair. Nothing about our lives has ever been fair.”

“Come here.” Suzaku beckoned him over. “Sit with me.”

Lelouch crossed the room, feeling like his head was spinning and sat down gingerly on the side of Suzaku’s bed. 

“Lie down with me. Watch the tubes.” Suzaku put an arm around him, pulling him lightly down to settle at his side. 

Lelouch pulled the cape off- he’d forgotten he was still in full costume- and lay down next to Suzaku, pushing into his side. Suzaku suppressed a wince at the slight nudge of pain, but let his arm rest around Lelouch’s shoulders, and kissed his hair. “You are strong, and smart, and without you the world would be a far worse place. Yeah, we got the short end of the stick. Yeah, we’re messed up beyond belief, but hey, we have each other, don’t we?”

Lelouch made a sound that could have been a laugh or a sob, Suzaku wasn’t sure. “ _ Aishiteru, _ Suzaku.”

Suzaku stopped, and blinked, looking at him with wide eyes. “...What did you just say?”

Lelouch was momentarily worried, had he pronounced it wrong? “ _ Aishiteru, _ Suzaku.” He repeated. 

Suzaku flushed deeply. “You... know what that means, right?” 

Lelouch pushed himself up enough to look Suzaku in the eye, “Of course I do. What do you take me for?”

“Are you that serious about us already?”

Lelouch looked vaguely affronted, “Of course I am. I love you. This whole fiasco just reminded me that I might not have forever to tell you.” He gestured to the bandages that covered Suzaku’s torso.  

Suzaku looked down at himself, and a furrow appeared in his brow as, for the first time, he really considered what his own mortality meant for Lelouch. He looked up at him, and threaded his fingers through his hair, holding it back from his face. “ _ Aishiteru _ , Lelouch.” He said softly, surprised by how easy it was to say it. 

Lelouch was shocked, he had never expected Suzaku to say it back. He knew what it meant and how strong it was, “Y-You... you... really? Even after everything?” His heart was beating far too quickly. 

“Yeah. I do. I love you so much I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with you regardless of everything you’ve done.” 

Lelouch let out a choked sob before pressing his mouth to Suzaku’s and kissing him as hard as he dared. Laughing a little, Suzaku returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Lelouch to the best of his ability, ignoring the slight tug in his arm from the IV. Eventually, Lelouch pulled back laughing, tears shining in his eyes. “I get to keep you...” His voice was full of wonder, and he looked at Suzaku like he was his entire world. 

“Yeah.” Suzaku pushed his hair out of his eyes, looking bashful. “You’re stuck with me, I’m afraid.”

Lelouch kissed him again before burying his head in Suzaku’s neck, “I’m keeping you, you’re mine now.”

“Someone’s a bit possessive.” Suzaku commented, stroking his hair. 

“Am I not allowed to be?” Lelouch’s voice was muffled against Suzaku’s neck. 

“I’m not complaining. I was yours anyway. I was yours from the moment I pledged my life to you as your knight.” 

“Yeah but this is a bit different, you hated me then.” He pointed out. 

“My feelings were... complicated.”

Lelouch huffed and pressed a small kiss to the side of his neck, “Your feelings are always complicated.”

“Yeah...” Suzaku sighed. “At this point I’ve stopped trying to tell myself what I should and shouldn’t feel.”

“Good. I did that years ago.”

“If being with you makes me happy, then that’s what makes me happy, and I can’t ignore that. Trying to hate you only makes it hurt more.”

“I know the feeling.” Lelouch sighed, “I love you you know.” Saying the words still sent a thrill through him. 

“I love you too.” Suzaku smiled, warmth in his eyes. “And I think I will for a very long time.”

Lelouch snuggled in as close as he dared, “I’m going to love you forever, for the rest of time.”

Suzaku didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t want to think about later, when he was dead and gone and Lelouch would live on alone. Suddenly he understood C.C’s death wish more than he ever had before. It wasn’t like his own, based in punishment and self hatred. It was in loneliness, and the knowledge that nothing she let herself care about would last. 

Instead of talking, he just hugged Lelouch close, and treasured the soft moment for all it was worth.

Lelouch didn’t want to think about forever either. He knew it was going to come up eventually, he was going to watch Suzaku age and probably die early the way he abused his body all while he never changed. It didn’t bear imagining, so instead he traced the edge of Suzaku’s bandage, just wishing for more time. 

“How do you feel?” Suzaku asked him gently after a while. He could see Lelouch’s hand trembling where it gently traced over his chest. 

“Better than you I imagine.” Lelouch tried to keep his voice even, he felt absolutely awful.

“I don’t count. I took a knife to the gut and I’m all hopped up on pain meds.” Suzaku pointed out. 

“Can I get some?” Lelouch teased, only half joking. 

“You’d have to ask the doctor, and something tells me she’ll say no.” Suzaku told him in light reprimanding. 

“Ugh, fine.” Lelouch rubbed at his face. His contacts were itching and everything felt off. 

Suzaku took his hand, feeling it tremble in his own. “Hey... you feel warmer than normal. Are you sick?” He noted with concern. 

“I... don’t know... I feel awful but that could be any number of things.” 

Suzaku frowned, and pressed the back of his hand to Lelouch’s forehead. “You feel like you’ve got a fever. Is that supposed to happen? You’ve only had the one coffee today, right?” 

“Unfortunately yes.” The more Suzaku pointed these things out the worse he felt. The first chance he got, he’d take a couple of pills.

“If we weren’t trying to keep you a secret, I would suggest you get the doctor to look at you. No wonder you keep almost falling over when you stand up.” 

“Yeah don’t worry about me...” his head was pounding now, “I’ll... I’ll be okay...”

“We really need to get something non-caffeinated into you. Did you bring a drink for me earlier?” 

“Um, I think so...” he tried to sit up but was instantly so dizzy he fell straight back down. 

“Hey. Take it slow, yeah?”

“Ugh, I’m sorry... I’ll just...” He got up more carefully this time, peeking over Suzaku to see the orange juice that sat on the tray. “I can... give me a second and I’ll go and get it...”

“Yeah. Okay. It’s not like I can get it for you, anyway.” Suzaku grimaced. 

Lelouch chuckled, “It’s not me who’s injured here, you stay put.” He leveraged himself out of the bed slowly, his limbs were weak and slow to respond. As he stood he swayed so much he nearly keeled over again and had to grab onto the side of Suzaku’s bed to stay upright. He felt so pathetic and frustrated, surely he was stronger than this? Suzaku watched him with growing concern. He really was worried that Lelouch was just going to pass out, or worse. Immortal or not, he didn’t look good.

Eventually he reached the side table, his hands were shaking so much that it made grabbing the drink almost impossible, let alone opening it. Lelouch almost screamed in frustration, tears pricking his eyes. How had he let it come to this? 

Suzaku shifted over, making space for Lelouch to lie down properly in the bed next to him. “Come on. You need to rest. Take that with you.” 

Lelouch just about made it to the bed before his legs gave out and he collapsed onto it, still clutching the orange juice. “I’m sorry...” he gasped out, he felt like an absolute idiot. Suzaku would probably think he was pathetic. 

“Hey, don’t apologise.” Suzaku took the bottle, and helped Lelouch onto the bed. He sat up, letting Lelouch rest his head against his shoulder. “Can you sit up?” 

Lelouch nodded, he wasn’t  _ that _ broken. He sat up slowly, head killing him. “I... you must think...”

“I think you’re starving, dehydrated, exhausted and suffering withdrawal all at once.” 

Lelouch trembled, “Oh god, I’m virtually useless.”

“You need to get better, Lelouch. You can’t keep going on like this.” Suzaku said softly, cracking the seal on the drink for him. “The Code won’t save you from being sick.” 

“How, Suzaku? I’m trying I really am... I just... I’m not as strong as you...”

“I’m only strong because I have you to keep me that way. Without you I could be in hospital for alcohol poisoning, or overdose, or worse.”

“Oh god...” the thought of Suzaku in hospital having overdosed to the point which the Geass could no longer save him flashed through Lelouch’s mind. “I...  I’m glad you are better than me... at least if I die it doesn’t exactly matter.” He took the drink from Suzaku and drank about half before handing it back, not trusting himself enough to not drop it. 

Suzaku took it, hoping that getting something high in sugar into Lelouch would give him a bit more strength. “If you did... would you heal back to normal? Would you be healthy? Or would you wake up just as tired and weak as before?” He asked, his voice cracking a little. He couldn’t believe he was even considering it. 

Lelouch sighed, it wasn’t the first time he’d thought about this, “I don’t know...”

Suzaku considered him, his expression pained. As much as he hated the idea of seeing Lelouch dead again, if it was the kinder thing to do...

“We’ll try to make you better first. See if you can manage drinking a shake or something instead of eating, if that’s easier, and get you off the caffeine slowly. And... I do think you should try taking sleeping pills if there’s no other way for you to get to sleep. Sleep deprivation will ruin you as much as everything else will.”

Lelouch nodded hesitantly, “Okay, I’ll do my best...” he paused and a small sob escaped him, “I don’t want to die again.” The headache was steadily getting worse but he tried to pull himself together for Suzaku. 

Suzaku nodded, putting an arm around him. “I know.”

Lelouch managed to finish the juice and the other half of the bread roll before giving up, looking almost green. 

“I’m proud of you.” Suzaku reassured him. It wasn’t much, but it was something. 

Lelouch smiled, “How are you feeling? It’s not fair just to focus on me.”

“Sore,” Suzaku admitted, “and antsy. And a little bit nauseous. But it’s okay, as long as I stay in bed I’ll be fine.” 

“You’re not going anywhere.” He placed a hand on Suzaku’s chest, the gesture was weak but the meaning was clear. 

“No, trust me, I have no desire to move right now.” 

Lelouch let his arm fall limp, “That makes two of us.”

Suzaku kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. “Are you feeling a little bit better for having something to eat and drink?”

He leaned into the touch, “Yeah... a bit.” He still felt pretty shit but he wasn’t technically lying. Suzaku was right, eating something had helped. 

“Good.” Suzaku gently brushed his hair from his face. “You’ll be alright. We’ll make sure you’re alright.”

Lelouch pressed his forehead to Suzaku’s and kissed him softly, “We both will. One way or another.”

There was a soft knock on the door, and Suzaku nudged Lelouch. “Mask.” 

Lelouch fumbled for it but managed to secure it over his head just before the door opened. There wasn’t a lot he could do about being in the same bed as Suzaku though. He was fairly convinced that if he tried to move he’d fall over. 

The doctor gave them a strange look but didn’t question it. “Zero, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to move so I can check on my patient.” 

Lelouch tensed, he really wasn’t sure he could stand up at all right now. Giving Suzaku’s shoulder one last squeeze he stood up slowly and promptly fainted. Suzaku and the doctor both stared as Lelouch keeled over, looking shocked. 

“Le-“ Suzaku started, but stopped himself. “Zero!” He scrambled to the edge of the bed and looked over. The doctor dropped to the floor and checked his pulse at the wrist.

“I need a medical team here now!” The doctor shouted out the door before looking to Suzaku. “His pulse is faint and erratic, do I have your permission to treat him?”

Suzaku looked horrified. “Ah... Yeah. Okay. I... don’t suppose there’s any way you can treat him without taking the mask off, is there?”

The doctor just looked at him, an expression of incredulity on her face, “No, not really. Why is there something I shouldn’t know?”

“Just... don’t tell anyone, okay?” Suzaku asked. “You can’t let his identity become public knowledge.”

The doctor nodded brusquely as her team ran in, “We’ll treat him here if that’s alright with you.” She didn’t wait for a response and along with a nurse lifted Lelouch onto the bed they’d wheeled in. 

Suzaku watched, concerned. He really should have seen this coming. There was no way they wouldn’t panic at having Lelouch as a patient.

They seemed surprised and concerned at how light Lelouch was, setting him down carefully. The doctor removed the mask carefully before dropping it in shock. “Is this...”

Suzaku sighed softly. “Yes. It is.” 

The doctor steeled herself before snapping into action, calling out to her assistants to ignore the patients identity. At some point they erected a screen around the bed so Suzaku could no longer see what was going on. After about two hours and several incidents of panicked shouting the screen came down and the doctor emerged, walking over to sit in the chair beside Suzaku’s bed. “He’s stable. I’m not going to pretend to not be shocked, I thought that monster was dead but now he’s my patient and whoever he is he needs help. What do you know about his health? Anything will be useful at this point.”

Suzaku took a breath, running his fingers through his hair. “Where do I begin... He hasn’t been doing very well since... you know. He started taking obscene amounts of caffeine to stop himself from sleeping because of the nightmares, and it kind of got out of hand. Also... he doesn’t eat much. Ever. I’ve been trying to get him to stop, but it’s a slow process.”

She rubbed a hand across her face, “I’ll need to talk to him to establish exactly what he’s been doing but what you’ve said sounds compatible with what we’re seeing. He’s obscenely underweight. I’m surprised he’s lasted this long to be honest. He also appears to be going through severe withdrawal combined with exhaustion. I don’t know if he’ll make it through the night, some of his internal organs are starting to shut down.” 

Suzaku chewed his lip. “He’ll be alright.”

She looked at him, “I value your optimism, Sir Kururugi, but you have to be prepared that he may well not be.”

“He’s not very good at staying dead. You might have noticed that.” Suzaku wasn’t about to launch into an explanation, but they did have to be prepared if the heart monitor flatlined overnight only for him to be up and about again the following morning. 

She frowned, “I thought his death was faked?” She looked concerned, Suzaku seemed to be in denial. 

“Oh no. It was very real. I held the sword.” 

“But - how...” she took a deep breath, “You know what? I don’t need to know, there are enough secrets in this room and I already know too many of them. It’s your turn for a check up now.” She changed his bandages, checked his stitches and refilled his IV before giving him a call button. “You’re on the mend, just don’t do anything stupid. Press this if you need to get hold of me or if... Zero needs attention. He’s not sedated so he could wake up at any time.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Suzaku took it, and gave her a polite nod. 

She pushed Lelouch’s bed up to Suzaku’s and left the room, taking her assistants with her. 

Suzaku appreciated the gesture, though he was mildly embarrassed that the nature of their relationship had been that obvious. He reached out and took Lelouch’s hand, trying to process everything that had happened. He was feeling low, stressed out and anxious and upset. The day had certainly taken a turn for the worse, and when Lelouch woke up he would not be thrilled about the fact that his identity had been leaked. Suzaku wondered vaguely if Lelouch would Geass them all to forget. Probably. 

His desire for something alcoholic was painful, but he’d already come out the other side of the worst physical effects of withdrawal, and there was no way he’d be able to get any here anyway. He just ended up sitting and waiting for Lelouch to wake, mumbling ‘I told you so’s at him.

Waking up for Lelouch was like trying to swim through treacle. He dragged himself out of unconsciousness and was immediately in pain. His head was killing him, but in the muffled way that meant he had been drugged. He felt a hand on his and opened his eyes with great difficulty, 

“...’Zaku...” His voice sounded very far away, “...what happened?” Slowly the world came back to him,  and then all at once until everything was clear. He shot up, or tried to at least. 

Suzaku watched him carefully, and when he woke, he put a firm hand on Lelouch’s shoulder, holding him in place. “Lelouch. Hey, can you hear me?” 

“Suzaku... I...” he heaved in a breath, “Did I die?”

“No. You just blacked out.” Suzaku reassured him. 

“Okay... I... I’m sorry...” he was slowly regaining consciousness, “Where is my helmet?”

Suzaku pointed at the table where his helmet had been put next to Suzaku’s. 

“Why?... Oh god, do people know?”

Suzaku squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Just the doctors who are currently treating you.”

“The doctors...” He blanched, “Suzaku, what happened? Why did I need doctors?”

“My doctor came in to check up on me and you keeled over in front of her. She said your heartbeat was all wrong, you’re severely underfed and your organs are starting to shut down.” Suzaku’s voice was low and calm in a way that it only was when he was trying too hard not to get emotional. “She said you’re unlikely to make it through the night.” 

Lelouch flopped back onto the bed, “Shit. How did it come to this?!” His breathing sped up, “Suzaku I... I don’t want to die.”

Suzaku took his hand, and pressed it to his lips. “Even if you do, you’ll wake up, won’t you?”

“Yeah but that doesn’t make dying any more fun. It’s not fair on you either.”

“I can handle it.” Suzaku gave a wan smile that said the opposite. “I’ve seen it before.”

“I don’t want you to have to ‘handle it’. It’s my fault for letting it go so far.” He squeezed Suzaku’s hand but his grip was weak. 

“So next time, you won’t let it?”

“Hopefully there won’t be a next time.”

Suzaku nodded. “Hopefully.”

Lelouch lay back, breathing rapid and shallow. He knew it wasn’t fair on Suzaku but he also knew the doctor was right, he wasn’t going to make it through the night, not without a lot of help. Help that was not going to be forthcoming. He grabbed Suzaku’s hand, “I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to see me like this.”

“It’s okay. I know I’m not going to lose you for good, either way.” Suzaku reassured him. “You will get better.”

Lelouch could feel pain in his chest, fighting a head rush even though he hadn’t moved. “Suzaku I’m scared.”

Suzaku moved over as much as he could so he could kiss Lelouch gently. “Don’t be scared. Just go to sleep. You won’t dream, not this time, and when you wake up you’ll feel better.” He brushed away the hair that was sticking to Lelouch’s forehead. “You need to sleep.” 

“Yeah... I... Okay...” he grabbed Suzaku’s hand, “Stay with me.”

“All night. I’ll watch over you, and I won’t let them touch you, okay? You’ll stay right here, and wake up right next to me like always.” 

They stayed pressed together as much as possible, and as Lelouch felt his grip on consciousness slip, he said, “I-I’m sorry... Aishiteru... Suzaku...”

“Aishiteru, Lelouch.” Suzaku murmured, holding him close. “Close your eyes for me. Go to sleep.” 

Lelouch felt his grip on Suzaku’s hand relax. It was too hard to stay awake, he couldn’t keep his eyes open. For a few hours, Suzaku held him, watching his condition deteriorate, chest rising and falling shallowly, fever dropping until his skin felt cool and clammy instead of too hot. 

Lelouch stopped breathing at 3:24am. 


	14. Death is not forever...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boys finally get some help and all is maybe not quite as bad as it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update - should be more regular now.

Suzaku pulled the clip off of his finger the second the machine started making noise, not wanting to hear the damning, unbroken tone. He remembered seeing Lelouch in the coffin, looking so peaceful. Here it was all over again, Lelouch’s body limp and utterly still, and he felt tears as a lump in his throat, clutching tightly to Lelouch as he gave in and cried. Knowing Lelouch would come back didn’t help. He hated seeing him suffer.

Lelouch was dead for hours with no visible change. He didn’t magically gain weight or look less pale, he just looked dead. His skin was cold, almost waxy-looking, dark smudges under his eyes. Suzaku was still awake. Once he had stopped crying, he had just lay there, holding on and staring at nothing as he tried to fight off the horrors in his head.

It was as the sun rose outside that Lelouch suddenly drew in a sharp breath and sat up, eyes wide in panic and a terrified cry escaping him. His sudden activity startled Suzaku and he panicked, pinning Lelouch hard to the bed, his breathing laboured and eyes wide in shock. The drip in his vein tore out and blood dripped down his forearm, but he wasn’t paying attention to that.

Lelouch was completely disoriented, thrashing around and trying to push the weight off him. Some part of him dimly registered another person’s presence and eventually attributed it to Suzaku. Suzaku was injured, he couldn’t hurt Suzaku. He lay still, chest heaving as his entire system restarted painfully - it was nowhere near as bad as he remembered it, but that was only small relief.

Suzaku watched him, wide eyed. He relaxed when Lelouch finally calmed down, looking like he might be normal, breathing fast and looking up at him. “Lelouch...” Suzaku breathed, and then sat back, letting go. His eyes flicked to his own heart monitor, and the rapid beeping it was emitting. He took a deep breath, and tried to calm his own racing heart before it alerted a doctor to come check on him.

“Suzaku...” Lelouch’s voice was husky, “A-are you... okay…?” he reached a hand up to rest on Suzaku’s chest, “Breathe...”

Suzaku wasn’t even aware of how fast his breathing was until Lelouch did that. His hands were shaking, and for a moment he felt like he was back in the Lancelot after Narita, Cecile and Lloyd and Euphemia trying to talk him back into himself after he had suffered a particularly bad episode. Exhaustion and pain were tugging at the edges of his mind, but he tried to make himself focus. “...Lelouch.” He said again.

“I’m here. I’m back.” Lelouch stroked down Suzaku’s arm, he could wait for Suzaku to be okay before he pulled himself together again, “I’m okay.” He dragged Suzaku down onto him, “Breathe.”

Suzaku nodded and closed his eyes, doing his best to take a series of deep breaths. His arm throbbed.

Lelouch held Suzaku tightly, careful of his wound. Speaking of wounds... Suzaku was bleeding. Fairly badly. He’d completely torn his IV out in his panic to get to Lelouch. “Suzaku... you’re bleeding...”

Suzaku glanced down at his arm, and pressed a hand over it. “It’s- it’s fine...”

Lelouch struggled to sit up, “It’s not okay! You’re hurt!” He paused then, and rephrased, “More hurt.”

Suzaku pushed him back down, leaving bloody smears on his hospital gown. “Stay.”

Lelouch lay back and raised his hands, “I’m not going anywhere, but you need that looked at.”

“Fine, fine...” Suzaku breathed, and fumbled for the clip he’d taken from Lelouch’s finger. “Put- put that back on.”

Lelouch did so, “Why did you take it off?”

“I couldn’t listen to it. I didn’t want them to come and try to take you away.”

Lelouch held him close, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

Suzaku clutched at his arm, silent tears on his cheeks. “I couldn’t listen to it. It would have driven me insane.”

Lelouch had never seen Suzaku cry like this and was in equal parts scared, and mortified that _he’d_ caused it. “Hey... it’s okay... I’m back...”

Suzaku curled up, resting his forehead on the pillow next to Lelouch, and tried to stifle his sobs, still clutching his bloodied arm to his chest.

Lelouch wrapped his arms around Suzaku and held him as tightly as he dared. “I’m not going anywhere, I love you remember. I’m not leaving.”

Suzaku only let himself cry for a short while before swallowing his tears down and taking a number of deep breaths. Still quiet, he rolled back onto his own bed and reached out to press the call button.

Lelouch let Suzaku go despite his worry about him. He was dangerously quiet. Nothing good ever came from Suzaku being quiet. “What did that just do?”

“Called a doctor.” Suzaku said in a cracked voice, drawing in the occasional little gasp.

Lelouch started panicking, “What’s wrong?!”

Suzaku held up his arm, and a few drops of blood trickled down from where his vein had been torn. Lelouch relaxed slightly; he’d worried Suzaku had reopened his stitches. The wound looked bad though, and it was bleeding a lot.

After a few minutes, the doctor from earlier came in, looking tired but concerned. Her eyes immediately went to Lelouch’s bed, and seemed surprised when he was awake and alive. Then she saw Suzaku clutching his arm.

“What happened?” She asked, immediately going over and inspecting it.

“Nightmare.” Suzaku lied. “I pulled it out.”

She swore softly under her breath and went to turn the light on, gathering the tools to patch it up. Lelouch recoiled from the light, bringing a hand up to cover his face. Too much too soon. The doctor took a while to assess the wound before she glued the edges of the torn vein together and stitched it closed. Lelouch turned away, he wasn’t squeamish but there was something about the way Suzaku was unnaturally still and pale that unnerved him. He had let her do her work, staying silent the whole time, even though she did the whole thing without anaesthetic and his pain meds were almost completely worn off.

“I take it you haven’t slept much, then?” She asked, casting a concerned eye over both of them. Suzaku shook his head mutely.

“Do you think a sedative would help?”

He stared at the ceiling, processing that. He didn’t want to close his eyes for the images burned into the backs of his eyelids. “No... No thanks.”

Lelouch denied one as well. He’d spent most of the night dead, it couldn’t get much worse than that.

He was wrong. When the doctor left Suzaku wouldn’t even look at him, he wouldn’t speak or move or do anything except stare at the ceiling. Even when Lelouch climbed into his bed and pressed himself into his good side Suzaku didn’t react. Lelouch started to panic, he couldn’t help, he didn’t know how and it was all his fault. He thought about leaving, maybe without the constant reminder Suzaku would be more okay. He re-evaluated that very quickly; dying hadn’t healed him past what was essential to survive and there was every risk that if he kept pushing it he’d die again. He didn’t think that was conducive to the ‘help Suzaku’ plan.

Somewhere in the back of his head, Suzaku knew he was tired. His brain felt foggy and sluggish, but somehow his eyes weren’t getting the message. He couldn’t fall asleep, all he could do was think, and all he could think about was Lelouch’s dead face wreathed in flowers and velvet. His funeral.

“Suzaku?” Lelouch had leveraged himself into sitting up, “Hey, Suzaku.” Still no response, “Suzaku!!”  Nothing. Lelouch took hold of Suzaku’s shoulders and shook him hard.

Suzaku drew in a sharp breath and blinked, his eyes focusing on Lelouch. Lelouch... breathing, blinking, cheeks flushed.

“Suzaku!!” He cupped Suzaku’s face, stroking his thumb across his cheek, “Come back to me.”

“I’m here.” Suzaku murmured.

“Thank god!” Lelouch all but threw himself at him, “You scared me.”

Suzaku wrapped his arms around Lelouch and held him tightly, burying his face in the side of Lelouch’s neck.

Lelouch hugged him back, pressing kisses into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not going to sleep tonight.” Suzaku said softly. He had nothing to clear his mind, nothing to distract him, which meant another night of being awake with his thoughts.

“Then I won’t either.”

Suzaku kissed the side of his neck. “I need to feel your heartbeat, Lelouch...”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Stay here...”

“Always.”

Suzaku pressed his lips to Lelouch’s pulse point and held himself there, listening to the sound of their heart monitors beeping slightly out of rhythm with each other. He stayed like that for a very long time, and Lelouch didn’t move. Even when his arm fell asleep, even when he felt Suzaku start to drift off. He was keeping his promise. Lelouch wasn’t going anywhere.

Suzaku never really slept, even if he fell into a state of half-sleep. When dawn came, and birds started chirping outside, he was still holding Lelouch like letting him go would be letting go of his final lifeline. Lelouch held just as tightly to Suzaku. Dying was never pleasant and brought back far too many memories, not least of which was the thought that one day it would be Suzaku that died and he wouldn’t be coming back.

They were still holding each other when the doctor walked back in.

This time, Suzaku was completely unapologetic about their closeness. He opened his eyes to look up at her, but didn’t say anything in greeting. She stood and looked at them for a while. Lelouch never looked up or even opened his eyes.

“So he made it through the night.”

“I told you he’d be alright.” Suzaku murmured, his grip on Lelouch tightening a little. He wasn’t going to correct her.

She shrugged, the ex-Emperor was her patient but aside from that she didn’t really care all that much. “So I’ve spoken to the team and they believe it would be a good idea to give both of you full physical checks and maybe even a psychiatrist’s appointment.”

“You can’t tell anyone else about us.”

“I assumed you’d say that, which is why I haven’t. I don’t think it would be a good idea to let people know that either of you,” she sent a pointed look at Lelouch’s back, “are alive. The consequences could be dire. Having said that I am under orders from the Empress to ensure that you both recover fully. She is aware of the situation regarding... Zero, and asked me to tell you she will be coming down later.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Lelouch still did not speak. He knew that tone; this doctor may be capable, but she didn’t care, not really. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. He was used to being universally hated. In fact he was quite impressed that she hadn’t freaked out completely. When the doctor spoke again, it was professional, “So, Sir Kururugi, how are you doing this morning? How’s the arm?” She busied herself checking his drip and bandages. They ideally needed changing but Lelouch was pressed against them on one side and it didn’t look like Suzaku was going to let him go anytime soon.

“It’s fine.” Suzaku told her. “It stopped bleeding, I think.”

“Allow me to check.” She held out her hand, silently asking Suzaku to let go of Lelouch and give her his arm.

Suzaku held out his bandaged arm, the other still firmly around Lelouch’s waist.

She examined the wound and changed his bandage, “The wound appears to be in good shape and should heal fine, you will have a scar though. I’m also going to have to keep you on a drip so I’m going to need to put it in the other arm. You are going to need to let go of Zero and he’s going to have to move.”

Suzaku paused. For a moment, he considered refusing. But he was supposed to be healing, and being a stubborn ass about it wouldn’t help that. He tapped Lelouch on the back gently. “Lelou... I’m gonna need you to move for a minute or two.” He murmured into Lelouch’s ear.

Lelouch grudgingly let go of Suzaku and rolled away, but not so far that they couldn’t still hold hands.

The doctor was quick and efficient, the new drip was in place within moments. Lelouch had also been attached to a drip but it had ceased to work and been pushed out when he’d died. There was no mark to indicate it had ever been in. The doctor finished her examination of Suzaku after changing his bandages and turned to Lelouch. “What happened to your drip?”

Lelouch hesitated before speaking to her, “I don’t actually know.”"

Suzaku frowned. Was it something to do with Lelouch dying? He didn’t know, but that seemed like the most likely explanation. She seemed to brush it off and just put in a new one before taking a step back.

“If you’re feeling up to it we can do the full physical examination now, minus the fitness elements of course.”

“Sure. Let’s do it.” Suzaku pushed himself up into a sitting position.

Lelouch looked less than eager, “Do I really have to?”

“Minus the fitness elements, Lelouch. You can manage it.”

Lelouch sighed but didn’t protest and sat up. The doctor had left to obtain some equipment for the tests. “How does this work?”

“I guess they just take a bunch of measurements. Height, weight, blood pressure, blood sugar, that kind of thing.”

Lelouch grumbled and shuffled closer to Suzaku. “Sounds really fun.”

“Yep. You are about to be torn into about your physical health, I’m sure.”

“I can’t wait.”

Suzaku squeezed his hand gently. “You’re better than last night, though, aren’t you?”

“Well I’m not dying anymore, so that’s something.” He just wanted to be left alone with Suzaku, a full physical exam sounded incredibly invasive and he did not want that.

“Yeah. It is something.” Suzaku laced their fingers together, though he remained somber, not looking at Lelouch.

“Hey... did I say something?” Lelouch turned Suzaku’s head towards him, “What is it?”

Suzaku met his eyes. “You never took your contacts out.” He mused. “Aren’t they uncomfortable?”

Lelouch hadn’t even registered that but now Suzaku mentioned it he realised how incredibly dry his eyes were. That had probably also had something to do with how dizzy he was feeling. “Yeah they are but there’s nothing I can do about it, they can’t know.”

“They’re going to notice.” Suzaku pointed out. “Full physical and all that.”

“I didn’t bring the case.”

“Hm...” Suzaku frowned. “You can’t keep them in the whole time we’re here.”

Lelouch turned his head away, “I know. I just... I don’t want Nunnally to see.”

“Hasn’t she already seen it?”

“I suppose... but things are different now.” He realised quickly that his arguments were futile and sighed, “You’re right... I’ll take them out.”

“Just... watch you don’t accidentally Geass the doctors.”

“Oh shit. I’d forgotten about that.” He must really be distracted if he was missing such obvious details. He’d got too used to being around Suzaku.

“It’s kind of important. Maybe you can ask them if they’ve got stuff you can clean the contacts out with.”

“I’ll wait and see. Or not as the case may be.” His joke was terrible but the intent to lighten the mood was there.

Suzaku gave him a look, but his lips did quirk upwards a little bit. “Seriously?”

“Ha! You smiled! I win!”

“Shut up.” Suzaku said, but softened, his smile growing and warming.

Lelouch smiled back, “I miss this.”

“Miss what?”

“Us laughing, having fun. It feels like an age since we last had a good laugh.”

“Our date in the park.” Suzaku reminded him. “That was fun.”

“That afternoon is one of my favourite memories of all time.” Lelouch leaned into Suzaku, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Mine too.” Suzaku put his arm around him, and kissed his hair. “We should find time to do it again.”

“Definitely.” Lelouch turned and kissed Suzaku properly. Suzaku returned the kiss, slow and deep and full of affection, and Lelouch tugged lightly on strands of Suzaku’s hair, tracing his bottom lip with his tongue. Suzaku made a soft noise of pleasure and let him in, resting the hand that wasn’t around his shoulders on Lelouch’s waist. Lelouch’s tongue flicked against Suzaku’s, dipping into his mouth as the kiss became more urgent and heated. Pulling him closer, Suzaku’s hand travelled from Lelouch’s waist to his thigh, encouraging him to hook his leg over Suzaku’s. He knew they were getting carried away, but intimacy helped to chase away the heavy numbness in his chest, and Lelouch was making him feel better just by indulging him. Lelouch moved to straddle him, staying as far away from his injury as possible, and kissed him harder. His hands slipped under Suzaku’s hospital gown, stroking over his chest and shoulders, not venturing anywhere near the bandages.

Suzaku didn’t push him away, but he did break the kiss to look him in the eye. “Lelou... as much as I’m enjoying this, I don’t want to be... riled up, when they come back to do our physical...”

Lelouch flushed and let his head fall onto Suzaku’s shoulder, “You’re being right a lot this morning. It’s starting to become alarming.”

“I think you’re distracted, in all fairness.”

He snorted, “Well, that’s true.”

Suzaku heard noise outside the door and tapped Lelouch’s hip, blushing a bit. “Off.” Seeing them cuddling was one thing, but this was a touch more compromising. “Watch the IVs.”

Lelouch climbed off as best he could, wincing as he tugged his IV despite being as careful as possible. Just as he settled back at Suzaku’s side the doctor walked in. There were two of them this time, and they had with them a lot of medical equipment. Suzaku watched with a raised eyebrow as they walked in.

“Alright. If you would sit on the edge of the bed, please.” The first doctor requested to both of them. “We’ll run through the tests as quickly as we can.”"

Lelouch head spun as he moved again, staying as close to Suzaku as possible. He tried to maintain the image of Zero despite feeling like he was going to fall over any second. It was better than the night before though, and he was fairly convinced that if he fainted now he’d wake up just fine.

They started taking measurements and it turned out Lelouch was correct- they went from fairly innocuous to more invasive than they were comfortable with fairly quickly. Suzaku just gritted his teeth and let them do their thing, trying not to think too hard about it. They took their blood pressure and heart rate before checked their breathing, reflexes and eyes. Once done with that, the doctor from earlier stood up. “Right I’m going to have to ask you to strip down to your underwear.”

Suzaku raised his arm. “Can’t do that with this in.” He pointed out, indicating the IV. The sleeve of his hospital gown wouldn’t go over it. Lelouch didn’t want to strip anyway. He knew what he looked like and he knew it wasn’t healthy. The doctor had an answer for that and removed the needle from the catheter for both of them before gesturing to her assistant, “We’ll be outside, knock when you’re ready.”

Suzaku stood up, ignoring the dull throb of pain in his abdomen, and stripped off the gown and the rest of the Zero outfit. He was surprised they hadn’t taken it off him before. He lay it next to his mask, and then turned to Lelouch. “You’re gonna have to do what they say.” He said softly. “You can lean on me if you need to.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, don’t think I didn’t see that wince.” Lelouch stood slowly, holding tightly to the bed, he swayed but didn’t fall. He hated to admit it but he didn’t think he could do this, “Suzaku...”

Suzaku went over and offered a hand. “Don’t worry about me. Holding you up doesn’t require ab work and that’s what makes it hurt.”

Lelouch didn’t think Suzaku should be standing up at all but he’d always healed freakishly fast and the doctor hadn’t protested. He held onto Suzaku’s hand briefly before taking a deep breath and pulling his shirt off without undoing any of the buttons. His inner tailor cried at the misuse of the garment but he didn’t think he’d get it off any other way. He was very thankful for the fact he’d taken the more complex parts of the outfit off the night before, even if he had no idea how he’d managed that. He was infuriated with his weakness but couldn’t really do anything about it. Suzaku helped him as much as he could, providing something for him to hold on to and helping him with the more fiddly parts of the outfit that his shaking hands struggled with.

Eventually Lelouch stood there shivering in his briefs, he felt awful and he knew they’d take one look at him and treat him differently as a result. The only saving grace of the whole thing was that Suzaku - even injured - looked amazing. He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands, already exhausted. “I’m sorry I’m like this.”

Suzaku sat next to him and put an arm around his waist, kissing his cheek. “It’s okay. You’re struggling, and that’s understandable. You don’t have to apologise for having a hard time.”

Lelouch leaned into the contact, “I should be stronger than this, for you. You’re the one who got hurt.”

“That was one quick incident that you’ve had less than two days to process. You’ve been struggling for months now.”

“So have you.”

“And my issues showed up in a different way to yours.”

Lelouch sighed, this was one argument he wasn’t going to win, “Okay you win.” He broke off, “...I don’t want to do this. I don’t want them to see... me. Not to mention this.” He traced the outline of his code which spanned his chest, just under his collarbones.

“For all they know, it’s just a tattoo.” Suzaku pointed out. “You’re allowed to have a tattoo.”

“I guess.” There was no way he was making it over to the door and he didn’t want Suzaku moving more than necessary so stealing himself he called out, “We’re ready.”

Suzaku’s hand remained comfortingly on Lelouch’s hip as they came back in. He could tell by the way their eyes flitted between them that they were concerned by Lelouch’s thinness, especially when compared to Suzaku’s own well muscled body. He gave Lelouch’s hip a gentle squeeze, a wordless reassurance. Lelouch crossed his arms as they came in in a vain attempt to hide. It wasn’t going to work; everything was on show. He fought the urge to cringe into Suzaku, wanting to look like he was stronger than they’d inevitably think. They’d called him out on his contacts earlier but he’d refused to remove them - a fact that had frustrated the doctor’s assistant far more than he’d expected. Unfortunately, they made Suzaku let go of Lelouch so they could continue poking and prodding at them, trying to figure out if anything more was wrong with them. The worst part for Suzaku was when they asked him about his drinking habits, or other drug usage. Reluctantly, he gave a vague outline of how much he drank, much to their horror, in addition to his sleeping pill habit. He was very adamant in pointing out that this morning made it seven days he’d been sober, but that didn’t change their opinion. After that, they insisted upon taking a blood sample to assess him for liver damage.

Lelouch had curled in on himself watching Suzaku, it was hard seeing him being prodded like an animal. It seemed like they checked everything, when asked about STDs Suzaku had gone bright red and stammered out that he was a virgin, much to Lelouch’s amusement, and the disbelief of the doctor. When they took his blood Lelouch looked away, he’d seen Suzaku bleed quite enough already. Clearly the doctors had as well, because they seemed to take the minimum amount of blood possible. Naturally, Suzaku’s blood pressure was lower than it should be and there was the issue of the results of his blood test. They deemed his physical fitness and reflexes to be well above average, however, despite his tiredness and inability to perform any of the more physical components of the test. Once they had all that written down, it was Lelouch’s turn.

When Lelouch stood it was obvious to all that he was making a concerted effort to hold himself still. He held his head high, despite everything he was still proud. The only person who would ever see him be weak was Suzaku. They measured _everything_ and weighed him three times just to be sure - horrified at how little he weighed and not at all convinced it wasn’t machine error. When asked how much he ate on a regular basis Lelouch’s only reply was a haughty “Enough.”

Suzaku gave him a look, and then responded for him. “He only really eats one meal a day, and even then he eats less than half what I do. He tends to bulk out meals with coffee, and thinks I don’t notice when he throws his own portions away behind my back.”

Lelouch looked like he’d just been betrayed but didn’t argue. They directed their next question to Suzaku, completely bypassing Lelouch. “Does he drink a lot of coffee?”

“Yes.” Suzaku confirmed. “Too much.”

“I’m cutting down.” Lelouch sounded hurt and wouldn’t look at Suzaku.

Suzaku rolled his eyes a little bit. “They need to know, Lelou. They’re trying to fix you.”

Lelouch knew that but it didn’t really help. He glanced at Suzaku, he wanted to get better for him, he really did, and if what it took was answering painful questions then he’d do it. He fixed his eyes on the floor and spoke quickly, “I’ve reduced it from ten to fifteen cups a day plus caffeine pills to seven cups. I’m still taking the pills.”

Suzaku blinked, and looked at him in shock. “You’ve been taking pills, too?” He took a deep breath, and sighed. “I should have known. No one gets that bad on coffee alone.”

The doctor looked really concerned now, “And how many of these pills were you taking a day?”

Lelouch hesitated, deliberately turning away from Suzaku, “About five or six, give or take.”

Suzaku swore softly. No wonder last night had happened.

The doctor’s eyes widened further. “That should have killed you well before now.”

Lelouch shrugged, looking distinctly uncomfortable, “I wouldn’t know if it had.”

“I would.” Suzaku pointed out.

He flinched, he knew what last night had done to Suzaku and couldn’t imagine what would happen if it was recurring. The doctors assistant scribbled furiously in her notebook for a moment before they finished with the tests deciding to take blood from Lelouch as well. When they were finished Lelouch sat back down and curled up like a bony hedgehog.

Suzaku rested a hand on his shoulder. “You okay?”

He let out a shaky breath, “Fine.” The doctor left with the promise to return with the results of their bloodwork and a psychiatrist as soon as she could. Suzaku grimaced. He wasn’t looking forward to speaking to a psychiatrist. His mind was far more damaged than his body and he knew it.

Lelouch didn’t uncurl even when they’d left, he knew he was broken and he hated admitting it to Suzaku, let alone to strangers. He wasn’t looking forward to speaking to a psychiatrist either. He couldn’t say half the things that were actually problems anyway, after all how do you explain to someone that you died over and over again.

Suzaku sat with him, and pulled him against his side. “Well... at least it’s over.”

“For now.” Lelouch lent into Suzaku’s side, for the first time realising just how thin he was. His bones were sticking into Suzaku and he tried to pull away, it couldn’t be comfortable for him.

“Nope, don’t you dare.” Suzaku wrapped both arms around Lelouch and pulled him close, gritting his teeth when he leaned against his injury but hugging him tight. Lelouch didn’t stand a chance of escaping in his state. Eventually, Lelouch relaxed. He’d realised he was hurting Suzaku very quickly and had moved around to his other side.

“I’m sorry... for everything.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you okay? Your side... and last night...”

“My side is fine. Sore, but okay.”

“You should be resting, not moving around, you’ve done far too much this morning.” Lelouch mumbled, if Suzaku could call him out then he would do it right back.

“In my defence, I’ve only been doing what the doctors asked me to.”

“Still too much.” Lelouch was exhausted, too much had happened in the last few days and he was not ready for anything more. Their day was far from over, however; a psychiatrist was coming and he was sure that the doctor had said something about Nunnally making an appearance at some point.

Suzaku shifted, propping himself up on pillows and pulling Lelouch back to lie on his chest. “I don’t think we have any more physical commitments for the rest of the day, so I’ll be alright.”

“Mm, you’d better be.” He let his fingers trace abstract shapes across Suzaku’s chest, needing to feel close to him. Neither of them had put their clothes back on and Lelouch had missed the skin on skin contact.

Suzaku cradled him against his chest, enjoying the light touch. Lelouch’s hair tickled his neck, and his skin was still a degree or two too warm against Suzaku’s, but it felt good.

“I want to go home again.” Lelouch spoke softly, “I don’t want anyone else to interrupt us. I hadn’t realised how exhausting interacting with people is.”

Suzaku chuckled softly. “You used to do it all the time.”

“I know... I wonder how sometimes...”

Humming softly, Suzaku kissed his hair. “I think we’ve done enough of that to last us a lifetime.”

“Look at us, burnt out before we’re even twenty.”

“To be fair, we did become the two most hated, tyrannical leaders of the empire at age eighteen.”

“It’s an achievement.” Lelouch smiled and kissed Suzaku’s neck.

Suzaku gave him a little half-smile. “I guess so. I did achieve my dream of becoming the first knight of the empire way before I thought I would.”

“And I... fundamentally changed Britannia, when I never really thought I could. I’d say that’s a fairly successful start to our lives, wouldn’t you?”

“Yep. It’s just a shame that success came at a price.”

“Nothing is ever free.”

“I think we got a bit screwed over, though.”

Lelouch laughed, “You think?!”

“Just a bit.” Suzaku smiled. “I mean... it could be worse?”

“It could always be worse... I could not have you.” Lelouch pushed himself up just enough to kiss Suzaku. Suzaku returned the kiss and stroked his cheek, feeling warm in his heart.

“Sap.” He accused Lelouch, cupping his jaw and tracing his cheekbone with his thumb.

“Only for you.”

“Aishiteru.” Suzaku said in a quiet tone, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on Lelouch’s.

Lelouch smiled, “Aishiteru, Suzaku.”

Suzaku kept murmuring sweet nothings to Lelouch in Japanese until they were interrupted again, though he didn’t let go of Lelouch. Lelouch at least had the presence of mind to pull a sheet over both of them before Nunnally came in.

“Morning.” Suzaku said softly. “You just here to check up on us, or...?”

Nunnally wheeled across to the bed and took Suzaku’s hand, “I’m checking up on you, I heard the report from the doctor, though I don’t think she said everything. She said that she didn’t think Lelouch was going to last... Suzaku, I’m trying to understand but I just can’t. Why would she think that?”

Suzaku looked down at Lelouch, curled up against his chest under the sheet. He didn’t think he was going to answer. Suddenly, Suzaku was glad he had pulled up the sheet so Nunnally couldn’t see how thin he was. “He’s sick. We both are.” He tapped a finger to his head. “Up here. It was easier for him to avoid sleep than to deal with the nightmares, and...” Suzaku took a breath. “It got a bit out of hand. He’s not eating properly, either.”

Nunnally gasped and put her hand over her mouth, “Oh god, I never thought...” she swallowed forcefully, trying to be strong, “Is he going to be okay?”

Lelouch finally spoke up, “I am right here you know.” He didn’t move out from under the sheet.

Suzaku kissed his hair softly. “Yes, but you’re not going to answer truthfully.” He turned his attention back to Nunnally. “It will take time, but... eventually. Yes. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Good. Lelouch I know you can hear me and I would appreciate you at least looking at me. You scared me, the least you can do is look at me.”

Lelouch flinched against Suzaku and stuck his head out from under the sheet, careful that none of the rest of him was visible, “I’m looking at you.”"

“Sorry.” Suzaku apologised on both of their behalf. “The doctors had us undress for our physical exam. I don’t think you want to see that much of us.”

Nunnally blushed, turning bright pink. “Oh! I’m sorry! I can leave if you want.” She was absolutely mortified.

Lelouch huffed out a laugh and hid back under the sheet. “Oh Nunnally, you haven’t changed.”

“It’s alright.” Suzaku’s shoulders were visible over the top of the sheet, and the marks on them - both old and newer - were completely visible. Lelouch, on the other hand, was completely covered. “Unfortunately we’re kind of short on clothes at the moment. Half of my Zero suit is wrecked, Lelouch’s needs a little bit of fixing up but it’s not completely unsalvageable, but besides that all we have are the hospital gowns.” He gestured to where they were folded on the table with the masks.  

Nunnally nodded. Clothes - she could do that. “I’m organising the room for you to move into until you are discharged and I’ll arrange for clothes for both of you. What size are you?” She was pointedly not looking at his shoulders where he was marked up. The doctors had definitely noticed but had said nothing about the marks on either of them.

“A medium usually works on me. And a thirty-thirty four for jeans.” He glanced down at Lelouch. “Probably a small on him. And a... twenty six thirty four?” He guessed.

Nunnally nodded and made a note, “That’s small for Lelouch, has he lost weight?”

“I’m afraid so.” Suzaku said softly.

Nunnally looked worried but didn’t say anything. Lelouch had gone tense against Suzaku at the question but relaxed when she didn’t pry. He wasn’t proud of it and he didn’t want to upset her, she’d always complained he didn’t eat enough.

“Anyway I needed to ask you about the trial, it’s going to be in about a week. Do you want to be there?”

“I think that’s probably a good idea. Lelouch, on the other hand...” Suzaku looked down at him. “I think he might get a bit... aggressive.”

“Hey! I’m perfectly capable of not talking if I am not allowed to! You’re not going alone!” Both Nunnally and Suzaku just looked at him. He’d poked his head out again and was glaring at them. Now Nunnally knew he’d lost weight she could see it in his face. He’d always been angular but now everything looked that much sharper.

“Don’t you think having two Zeros there will be a bit... weird?”

Nunnally refocused on Suzaku, “That depends if you will be attending as Zero or Suzaku.”

“Do you think me showing up as Suzaku is a good idea?” He didn’t sound thrilled at the idea. “That would mean revealing that my death was faked to the public.”

She shrugged, “It’s up to you really, but it might make a difference. Kanon is going away for a while regardless of any strings Schneizel pulls.”

Lelouch tensed, “He’s not getting away with this. He can’t. There are very few legal loopholes Schneizel can exploit and I intend to ensure he doesn’t get away with any of them.”

Suzaku nudged him and he fell silent. “I’ll go as Zero. If the trial requires that I take off the mask, I will, but only if necessary.”

Lelouch wasn’t happy but let it go. He didn’t want Suzaku anywhere near Kanon ever again.

“If you still want to speak to Kanon before the trial then it’ll have to be soon. You’re not cleared to be walking around yet but I’ll see what we can do. I’ll get those clothes organised for you as soon as possible.” Nunnally backed away from the bed. “I’ll be back later, rest well boys!”"

“Thank you!” Suzaku called after her, and then pulled the blanket off Lelouch enough to look down at him. “Are you going to be Zero too, then?”

“I don’t know, if you’re Zero then it looks stupid if I am too.”

“Well... you’re not going to be called to the stands for any reason. You could just go in disguise.”

“I might...” he smirked, “How do you think I’d look as C.C?”

Suzaku looked bewildered. “You want to crossdress as C.C.?”

Lelouch laughed, “No, but she used to pretend to be me so I thought it would be funny.”

“I see.” Suzaku rolled his eyes. “Of course.”

“Bad idea?” He was still sniggering.

“Somehow I can’t see you in a long green wig.”

“No? I think I’d look fabulous.”

“I think I prefer you as you, to be honest.”

Lelouch leant up to kiss Suzaku, “Now who’s the sap?”

“You shush.” Suzaku retorted, but returned the kiss. Lelouch deepened it, holding himself over Suzaku and running his hand through his hair. Suzaku’s hands roamed down his sides, letting Lelouch take charge as he tilted his head back.

Lelouch kissed down the column of Suzaku’s throat, biting gently but trying not to leave any marks for once. “I’ve missed you like this...”

“Me too.” Suzaku breathed, trying not to get turned on by the attention.

Lelouch did that for a while before the arm that was holding him up stopped shaking and started to collapse. He kissed Suzaku once more before falling down to lie next to him, laughing breathlessly. “I don’t have your stamina.”

Suzaku rolled over on top of him, holding himself up over Lelouch. He grinned down at him. “But you’re very good at lying back and taking it.”

Lelouch raised an eyebrow, “Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe a little.” Suzaku teased.

Lelouch went to pull Suzaku down before remembering he was injured, “Hey are you allowed to be doing this?”

“I’m not doing anything yet.” Suzaku pointed out.

“You’re not lying down.”

“I’m not going to tear my stitches doing this.” Suzaku retorted, and stole a kiss to shut Lelouch up.

Lelouch moaned and reached up to stroke down Suzaku’s back, stopping when he reached the bandages. “I... missed... you...” He gasped out between kisses.

Suzaku trailed kisses down his jaw and the side of his throat, nipping and sucking lightly from time to time. “I missed you too...”

Everything was sensitive, Lelouch could feel every move Suzaku made, every touch of his lips and it was driving him crazy. He arched his back off the bed in a desperate attempt to get closer. “...’Zaku!”

The hand that wasn’t holding Suzaku up travelled down to Lelouch’s thigh, encouraging him to hook his leg on Suzaku’s hip. Lelouch did so and pulled Suzaku into him, bumping his hips gently into Suzaku’s. Suzaku moaned, tempted to grind against him but knowing that for one thing, he was really not supposed to do anything physically demanding for at least four days, and for another that their privacy was limited and likely to be interrupted at any moment. For one wicked second, he wondered if they could get off before the psychiatrist showed up, but he shut down that line of thinking quickly. It was a terrible idea, for a number of reasons.

Lelouch whined when Suzaku pulled away. “Hey... come back... Why?”

“Because you do not want to be caught with your dick in my hand when someone else comes back to see us.” Suzaku murmured, looking disgruntled. “That and maybe it’s not the best idea from a health perspective.”

Lelouch flushed but was immediately concerned, “Are you okay? You said it wouldn’t pull a stitch!”

“I’m not going to pull a stitch.” Suzaku reassured him, but he couldn’t deny that he was feeling sore and tired, trying not to tremble. He kissed Lelouch softly. “But... I think I overestimated myself.” He sighed, the arm that was holding him up shaking a little.

“Suzaku!!” Lelouch gently pushed him so he was lying down, “Don’t overdo it! We can’t have both of us out of commission!”

Suzaku groaned. “I thought I felt okay.”

“Well evidently not.” Lelouch swayed suddenly, the dizziness coming back full force and he found himself desperately wishing he could take his contacts out.  Suzaku grumbled under his breath, giving in and pulling Lelouch into a hug instead.

“This is frustrating.” Lelouch huffed as he hugged Suzaku back. They’d barely let go of each other all day.

“I know. It’s very frustrating. Being injured always is.”

A knock on the door startled them out of their reverie. Lelouch pulled away from Suzaku, “Come in.”

Suzaku glanced over as a new person came in, someone he didn’t recognise. He sat up, making sure his bandages were in place.

Lelouch sat up and wrapped the sheet around himself. The new person introduced himself as Doctor Millar and handed Lelouch a bundle of clothes before stepping outside to give them time to change. Suzaku pulled on the clothes that fit well enough, and then turned to Lelouch to see if he needed a hand with anything.

Lelouch managed alright but was left exhausted and trembling. The omnipresent tremor in his hands was growing more noticeable the longer he went without coffee. He also needed to eat something. The IV was helping but he felt hollow and even if he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat much he wanted something.  Suzaku was also lamenting the lack of food, but less so. He took Lelouch’s shaking hand and squeezed it gently before calling out that they were ready.


	15. The Truth in Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knives and bullets leave scars in flesh, but those aren't the only scars the Demon Emperor and the Knight of Zero have to contend with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short disclaimer here: neither myself nor Ky are in any way trained psychiatrists. Everything we know comes from personal research, and though I have read and re-read papers and wiki pages and diagnostic criteria, I do not claim to be faultless in my logic.
> 
> That being said, the kind of shiz that Code Geass deals with is trippy as hell and sure isn't what goes on in a normal person's head.

Dr Millar reentered the room, he’d clearly been briefed on who to expect and didn’t look shocked to see either of them. He pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed nodding in greeting, “Sir Kururugi, Zero.”

“I think first names are fine.” Suzaku glanced at Lelouch for confirmation. Personally, he found being addressed by title a bit uncomfortable these days. 

Lelouch shrugged, “Whatever you’re comfortable calling me, I know this is... unorthodox.”

Suzaku snorted a little. “You don’t say.”

Dr Millar smiled, “Okay then, Suzaku and Lelouch.” His hesitation over Lelouch’s name was surprisingly brief. “The Empress asked for me to talk to you after she heard the results of your medical examinations which I must say have revealed some... interesting things to work on.”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it.” Suzaku murmured before he could stop himself. 

Lelouch glanced at him but remained silent as Dr Millar spoke again, “Well that’s what we’re here to work on. Before we continue do you want to speak to me individually or are you happy to have a session together? The Empress thought you might be happier together.” At his words Lelouch’s grip on Suzaku’s hand tightened. 

“Yeah. Together works.” Suzaku squeezed his hand in response. 

Dr Millar reached into the bag he’d brought with him and pulled out two sheets of paper on clipboards, “Right so if both of you could answer these, they are a provisional assessment of your general mental health. Just follow the instructions on the sheet.” He handed them to Suzaku and Lelouch who started to look through the questions. Suzaku read about five of them, and instantly dreaded filling them out honestly. He hoped Lelouch wasn’t looking over his shoulder as he took a deep breath and filled it out. 

Lelouch saw Suzaku hesitate but didn’t want to put him off, turning his attention to the sheet. He knew instantly what the problem had been. His eyes flicked to Suzaku who’d almost finished his form before focusing on the questions. When Lelouch was done they handed the clipboards back to Dr Millar and waited for his verdict. 

Suzaku had withdrawn, resting his arms on drawn-up knees. 

It was a few minutes before the doctor looked up from the sheets and settled back in his chair. “Well, we definitely have things to work on with both of you.” He observed Suzaku’s closed off position and how Lelouch appeared to be unconsciously leaning towards Suzaku. 

“What are you going to have us do?” Suzaku asked a little brusquely. 

Dr Millar took it in stride, “Today I just want to talk to both of you, just to see where we are and what issues we need to work on.” Lelouch had stretched out, trying to appear bored and uninterested. 

Suzaku cleared his throat. “Go on then.” 

He contemplated Suzaku for a moment before turning to Lelouch, “Your responses indicate some more complex underlying issues. Both of yours do if I’m being frank. So I want to ask you what do you think your issues are?”

Lelouch paused, surprised to be asked a question. He didn’t really want to talk about it but the minutiae of what he wanted didn’t matter because overall he wanted to get better - for Suzaku. “I think I have PTSD and potentially...” he looked at Suzaku before looking away briefly, “... an eating disorder.” 

Dr Millar looked pleased that Lelouch had spoken but didn’t react to what he’d said. He turned to Suzaku, “And you?”"

“PTSD, insomnia and depression.” Suzaku said bluntly, not looking at the doctor or at Lelouch. 

It was nothing Lelouch didn’t already know but to hear him state it so bluntly was hard. In a quiet voice Lelouch added that he had insomnia as well.  Suzaku glanced at him. “Different kind, though. You have nightmares when you sleep that wake you up. I just... don’t sleep. Can’t do it.” 

“He used to drink himself to sleep and now he uses sleeping pills.” Lelouch added unhelpfully, paying Suzaku back for calling him out on his eating earlier. Suzaku didn’t miss the snipe, and gave him a look. 

"Dr Millar nodded and scribbled something down, “Right, so Suzaku you mentioned depression which is consistent with your answers and something I’d like to come back to. First I’d like to talk about the common ground between you, the PTSD and insomnia. I can’t help you if you don’t talk though. I understand it’s hard.” 

Lelouch was still trying to pretend he wasn’t interested. They were dangerously close to things neither he or Suzaku ever talked about and he really didn’t want to go there. 

Suzaku pursed his lips, but nodded. “Go on.”

“So Suzaku, relating to the PTSD, what do you see as being the key issues for you?”

“As in symptoms or causes?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable talking about, push yourself if you can but don’t feel like you have to talk about anything.” Lelouch sent a pointed look at Suzaku that said yes he did have to talk about it.  

“I think that’s why I can’t sleep.” He started after a moment’s pause. “I have... I guess you’d call them catatonic episodes?” Dr Millar scribbled something in his notebook before looking up at Suzaku. Lelouch prodded him with his foot, prompting him to continue. 

“When- When something happens that... reminds me, I just... shut down. I’ve hurt people in that state before. Lost control.”

Lelouch flinched and drew his legs up, giving up on looking composed. Suzaku was talking about his Geass, but combined with PTSD it was even more dangerous. Dr Millar nodded in understanding, “Take your time.”

Suzaku’s hand flexed, tensing into a fist and stretching again repetitively. He was quiet again for a while. “I did a lot of bad things. I’ve seen a lot of bad things.” He said simply, almost feeling like there was something concrete and physical stopping him from saying more. Lelouch reached for Suzaku before thinking twice and withdrawing into himself. If Suzaku wanted him he’d ask. 

“What do you mean by that?” The doctors voice was soft. 

“Do you really need me to tell you?” Suzaku looked up at the doctor, and there was a hard edge in his voice. “You know who I am.”

“I know who you are but I’m not sure you do. Part of this process is coming to terms with what you have done or what has been done to you and moving past that. One of the best ways to do that is talking about it. We do this at your pace, Suzaku. Is there anything that would make you more comfortable?”

Suzaku shrugged. Not talking about it was the thing that came to mind, but that wasn’t an option. Lelouch wanted desperately to hold Suzaku but settled on watching him from a distance, not wanting to interrupt. 

“You were saying?” Dr Millar prompted him gently.

Suzaku wasn’t sure exactly where the line was. What would stay in the room and what would be taken to court. After a lot of thinking, he hesitantly said, “The first time... The first time I killed, I was ten years old.” 

Dr Millar tried very hard not to appear shocked, drawing on all of his professional training to keep his face neutral. Lelouch noticed that the pen had stopped moving and spoke for the first time, “Everything said in this room is confidential yes?” The doctor nodded, despite Lelouch’s curled up position his glare was still unsettling, something about his eyes was unnatural.

“It was the only way I could see to stop my home from being taken away from me. It didn’t work. That was the day I learned that doing the wrong thing for the right reasons doesn’t work.” Lelouch gave in and shuffled across the bed to press himself against Suzaku, offering silent support. 

Suzaku leaned against him, staring at the sheets. “I was drafted at age fourteen. I didn’t enter active service until I was sixteen, but because I was an orphaned Eleven, no one could stop them from training me as a soldier from an earlier age.” 

Dr Millar was pretty sure that had been illegal even then but didn’t comment, Suzaku would say what he needed to say. He’d assumed there was something going on between Suzaku and Lelouch but wasn’t sure of the exact nature of their relationship and he didn’t want to assume. He made a note. “How did that make you feel?”

“Hopeful.” Suzaku said softly. “That I might be able to make a difference. Fight for what’s right.”

“You made a huge difference.” Lelouch had wiggled under Suzaku’s arm and was now as tightly against him as he could be. Dr Millar made a note of that too. 

“How did you want to do that?”

“At first? By dying in the line of duty. Becoming a martyr, I suppose. I also believed I deserved it. A life for a life, and all that.” 

“Were you then or have you since been actively suicidal?” At the question Lelouch tensed against Suzaku, knowing this answer all too well. 

Suzaku closed his eyes, and nodded shortly. 

“Are you now?”

Suzaku thought about it. If he died now, he would be responsible for tearing away Lelouch’s last lifeline. He’d condemn him to a fate worse than death. His feelings about the value of his own life hadn’t changed, but his life didn’t belong to him any more. “...Not actively.” 

“What changed?”

“Lelouch.” 

Dr Millar had thought Lelouch would feature at some point, “How so?”

Suzaku looked at Lelouch, piecing through the words in his head before saying them. “...He needs me. I’m the only one he has.”

Lelouch looked distraught, it was true but he didn’t want to be the sole reason for Suzaku’s continued existence. “I want you to live for you...” 

“It doesn’t work like that.” Suzaku said bluntly. “I’ve done my part.”

“What do you mean Suzaku?” Dr Millar chose to ignore Lelouch’s comment. 

“When I was made the pilot of the Lancelot, I was given an opening. An opening I thought an Eleven like me would never get. And then I became Euphy’s knight, and I had real, tangible power. I put together a plan to make a real difference. I succeeded at that plan, even if it wasn’t quite what I thought it would be, and now my part is done. The world doesn’t need me anymore and I still haven’t paid for my crimes.”

“What do you consider payment?”

“I have committed mass murder and treason. Both of those crimes, under Britannian law, demand the death penalty.” 

Lelouch tried to pull away from Suzaku, he’d heard enough. He didn’t want to think about Suzaku dying. 

“Many people would say you already died for that, how do you feel about that?”

“It was a lie. A necessary lie, but still a lie.”

Lelouch finally freed himself and curled up against the wall. He didn’t want to listen to this. 

Dr Millar paused to write down a few things before looking back at Suzaku, “What, aside from death, would help you feel like you were atoning?”

Suzaku ran his fingers through his hair agitatedly. “I don’t know. I have all of those crimes on my shoulders, I’ve suffered PTSD for years, I have no family or friends and the whole country hates me.” His voice was rough now, and angry. “It’s better for me, it’s better for them, it’s better for the world. The only person who it is not better for is Lelouch, so I will do my best to carry that, let the world continue to think that the Knight of Zero is dead and gone, and just be there for him. If that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes.” 

Lelouch was horrified, he hadn’t realised Suzaku was this bad. His breath started coming faster, tightness building in his chest but he barely registered it, focused entirely on Suzaku’s words. 

“Your situation is extremely challenging, I’ll admit, but it’s not hopeless. You keep saying it’s only better for Lelouch, you haven’t mentioned your role as Zero once, why’s that?”

“Zero is a symbol. It doesn’t matter who’s behind the mask any more. My duty is little more than a glorified bodyguard, and it wouldn’t be hard to replace me.” 

Dr Millar changed tack, “You said earlier that you’ve been suffering from PTSD for years, have you ever seen anyone about it?”

Suzaku shook his head. 

“What stopped you?”

“I didn’t know how, didn’t care enough to find out, and didn’t have anyone who cared enough to do it for me. And then I got permission to pilot the Lancelot, and if I had been diagnosed I would have lost that opportunity. My one chance to get my foot in the door.” 

Dr Millar nodded and wrote something down on the clipboard. Lelouch had pulled himself back from the edge of a panic attack but was pointedly not listening to anything Suzaku said, knowing was one thing. Hearing it was another. 

“You mentioned having insomnia, as in not being able to get to sleep despite tiredness?”"

“Yes.”

“How are you coping with that?”

Suzaku tapped his fingers on his forearm where it was folded over his knees. “With help.” 

He raised an eyebrow, “The drink and sleeping pills Lelouch mentioned earlier?”

“Yeah.” Suzaku confirmed. 

“Why?”

“You said it yourself. Because I can’t sleep without them. And drinking makes it easier to deal with what’s going on in my head.”

“How have you been since you’ve been here then?” Dr Millar was concerned with possible withdrawal. 

Suzaku gave him a look. “Not great? I got stabbed. They’ve had me on pain meds more often than I haven’t been.” 

“So you’ve been able to sleep despite the lack of your usual coping mechanisms?”

“No. I mean, after I was stabbed I passed out and stayed out for a few hours, but not since then.”

“Have you struggled with withdrawal at all?”

Suzaku grimaced. “Yes.”

Dr Millar made a note and glanced at Lelouch who was staring into space and seemed to be ignoring everything. Tilted his head at Suzaku, inviting him to elaborate. 

“I haven’t had a drink since last Thursday. That makes it a week, right? The first... three days or so were the worst. I had chronic headaches, felt sick, lightheaded, it was harder to keep things out of my head. I... might have had a couple of bad episodes. Lelouch kept me from giving in, but it wasn’t fun. I guess it calmed down a bit after that, but I still felt wound up and ill. Since I got attacked, I’ve been on meds so it’s been easier, but I’ve been feeling low and haven’t been sleeping. I still feel sick, but it’s not hugely uncomfortable right now.” 

Lelouch - despite appearances - was still listening. Suzaku had told him some of this but he hadn’t realised it was so bad. Then again he’d not told Suzaku a lot of things either. Dr Millar nodded and looked over his notes, “Thank you Suzaku, I believe I have enough information for now. I’ll give you a break and we’ll come back to this later.” He was shocked at what these two teenagers had been trying to deal with alone and impressed that they’d made it so far. He’d been surprised and relieved to see that the Knight Of Zero was just as human and fallible as everyone else. He remained unsure about the Demon Emperor though. He’d been uncharacteristically quiet throughout Suzaku’s session and was curled up in a way that didn’t seem like the Lelouch vi Britannia the world had come to know. 

Suzaku sighed, relaxing a little bit. He’d been half expecting to have been sent into a panic attack being forced to relive old memories, but it had been easier than he’d expected to talk. 

“Now then...” Doctor Millar placed Lelouch’s answer sheet on the top of the clipboard and scanned through it. “I’m glad to see that your scores for depression are lower than Suzaku’s, but there’s still plenty to work with here. You mentioned a different kind of insomnia. Nightmares.” Part of him felt a little like he was asking the devil himself about his sins, but he pressed on. “Tell me about them. You don’t have to go any more in depth than you’re comfortable with.” "

Lelouch fixed his gaze on the doctor, deliberately trying to unnerve him, “You want me to talk about my nightmares?”

The doctor felt a twist of fear that he hadn’t had talking to Suzaku, and had to steel himself to hold Lelouch’s gaze. “Yes.” 

Lelouch smiled to himself, he’d managed to make the doctor uncomfortable. He raised his head, a haughty expression on his face, “You understand that whatever I say cannot leave this room. I have a lifetime's worth of secrets that could ruin the empire and some that are just impossible to believe. Are you prepared for that doctor?”

Suzaku gave Lelouch a warning look. He wasn’t making this any easier on himself. 

The doctor half considered backing out now, before the Demon Emperor snapped and did something to him like he’d done to nearly every member of his court. But no. The Empress herself had contacted him- the Demon Emperor’s sister. She had believed he could handle it. Swallowing, he nodded slowly. “Go on.” "

Lelouch ignored Suzaku’s glare but spoke anyway, “I dream about dying. I’ve died many times now and it’s never pleasant. In fact it’s terrifying.” His bravado cracked, showing the Lelouch Suzaku knew, but only briefly. “I dream about Suzaku dying which is worse because it’s usually my fault. My sister dying, failing the Zero Requiem plan, my mother’s death... Euphy.” He glared at the doctor, “Is that enough?”

The doctor was writing keywords down, though he didn’t know what half of them meant. He was beginning to wonder if Lelouch’s cruelty had roots in some form of psychotic disorder. “It’s a place to start.” He said carefully. “Do you sometimes find it difficult to differentiate between dreams and reality?” 

Lelouch tensed but tried to laugh it off, “Sometimes, when waking up it gets confusing.”

“But... during the day? Whilst you’re awake?”

Lelouch deliberately didn’t look at Suzaku, “Sometimes.”

Suzaku wasn’t aware of this. He was watching Lelouch carefully, ready to jump in if anything went wrong. 

“Do you experience periods of confusion? Blackouts?” "

This time Lelouch’s flinch was visible although his voice remained strong, “Yes.”

That was worth writing down. Skimming over previous notes, he asked, “How long have you been experiencing them?”

“The blackouts or trying to distinguish between dreams and reality?”

“Either. Both.”

Lelouch thought for a moment, “Trying to distinguish between dreams and reality... on and off for years. The blackouts are a recent thing.”

“Right. Your medical reports stated that you’ve been suffering an extreme caffeine addiction. Have this symptoms coincided with your caffeine use, or extended before then?” 

“The blackouts have only happened since I started taking caffeine but the other one has been... longer term.”

The doctor nodded, jotting that down. “I’m going to ask you some more personal questions now, is that okay?” 

Lelouch shrugged, trying to look as unaffected by this line of questioning as possible despite the fact that his hands had started to shake. He crossed his arms to hide it, “Go on then.” 

Suzaku noticed, and rested a gentle hand on Lelouch’s arm. 

“Do you consider yourself a trusting person?” "

Lelouch’s head shot up but he stopped just shy of making eye contact with Dr Millar, he hadn’t expected this, “No.” 

“Do you have problems making, or keeping friends?” 

“I am not in a habit of keeping friends, doesn’t really fit with the job description you see.” His voice was sharp, a warning that the doctor would probably ignore. 

The doctor glanced up briefly, but continued. “Can you think of a relationship- of any sort, familial, platonic or romantic- where you have never felt like you will be betrayed, lied to, or that something bad will happen to you by association with them?” 

Lelouch opened his mouth to respond before thinking twice and shutting down. “Never? I don’t think so, maybe Nunnally.” He did not look at Suzaku, their relationship had been complex and he would be lying if he thought that Suzaku would never lie to him or betray him, even if he knew that would never happen. 

“Nunnally.” The doctor repeated pensively, pondering his notes. “Can you describe your relationship with her?” 

Lelouch hesitated, “I... protected her... she was- is my sister.”

“You see your relationship with her as a protective one?” He asked, curious. “What do you think Nunnally provides to your relationship? Would you consider it one sided?”

“Not... really. She gave me a reason to keep going... she was my motivation, or at least her happiness was.”

“Forgive me for asking such a sensitive question, but... do you think you willingly sabotaged that relationship?” He didn’t point out that it was common knowledge that they had fought on opposing sides in the Battle of Mt Fuji, and that Lelouch had sentenced his sister to death before his own assassination.

Lelouch’s laugh was cold, “That was the plan, doctor.”

“Why? To protect her?” 

“Yes. She had to hate me for the plan to work... I suppose that failed.”

“You keep talking about a plan. What was the plan?”

Lelouch met Suzaku’s gaze briefly and took a deep breath, “The Zero Requiem.” He shook his head and stared at the floor, “The plan to unite Britannia, destroy the class system, free the areas and make everyone hate me. You’ll find that if you give people something to hate so strongly that they never want to experience it again, something so terrible that it cannot possibly be  _ allowed  _ to happen again then people will do anything to ensure peace.”

The doctor stopped dead, and looked up. For a moment, he was almost derailed, wanting to know more about how everything had been on purpose. But that wasn’t what he was here to do. He tapped his pen on the clipboard for a moment, processing that, and then continued. “Right. That... does complicate things. Did you trust anyone enough to tell them about your plan?” 

“Suzaku knew and one other. That was it, it would defeat the purpose of the entire thing if everyone knew it was planned.” He levelled a glare at Dr Millar, “You will say nothing of this, I will make sure of that.”

The doctor swallowed, and looked down at his notes. “Of course not. I take patient confidentiality very seriously.” Latching onto the one thing he could move on to, he asked, “Would you mind if we talked about Suzaku for a moment?” 

Suzaku looked up, narrowing his eyes a little. “Are you going to ask me to leave?” 

“Not unless Lelouch would prefer to speak in private.” "

Lelouch lifted his chin, “I don’t mind.”

“Alright. Suzaku mentioned that you believed he was the only person you can rely on. Is that correct?” 

“Yes. He’s the only one. I... I don’t have anyone else.”

The doctor was quiet for a moment before asking. “You didn’t include him when I asked you about relationships where you genuinely trusted the other person. Why?” 

“I... I do genuinely trust Suzaku, but you asked for people I had never felt betrayed by and sadly that doesn’t include him.”

Beside him, Suzaku gritted his teeth, feeling ashamed. 

“Suzaku? Do you think Lelouch’s feelings are grounded?” 

“Yes.” He muttered, guilt twisting in his stomach. 

“I see. I won’t ask what happened, but thank you for being honest with me.” He scribbled that down. “Going back to a previous point... have you ever had problems putting together coherent thoughts or staying on one train of thought?”

Lelouch had reached towards Suzaku at the admission but let his hand fall when Dr Millar spoke. “Normally no but there has been the odd occasion, nothing I would have pegged as that strange though.”

“How do you view strangers?”

“Potentially useful or dangerous.”

“I see. When we first started talking, you mentioned you sometimes have trouble discerning dreams from reality. Do you experience overlap? Have you seen or heard things in your waking life that no one around you appears to see or hear?”

Lelouch tensed, “Occasionally I see people who I know are dead but that’s very rare... it’s more like constant paranoia and I seem to be the only one who notices something’s wrong.” He let out a short laugh, “I’m going crazy.”

“So you’ve never heard voices? Had thoughts in your head that seemed to come from somewhere other than yourself?”

“Yes... but usually they  _ were  _ coming from somewhere other than myself. Now... now I don’t know.”

“Can you elaborate on what you mean?”

“This is going to sound crazy...” he took a shuddering breath before turning to Suzaku, “You know how when we fought Charles there was a whole world out there that somehow C.C and Charles were connected to. It feels almost like that, so many voices, some stronger than others and I can’t control it. They’re normally quiet but sometimes when I’m tired they just get louder and...” he broke off, struggling to stay strong and in the moment. 

Suzaku looked surprised. “You... you can hear that?” 

The doctor was confused, glancing between them. “Suzaku, you know what he’s talking about?” 

“Yeah.” Suzaku frowned, trying to find a way to explain it. “It’s... Charles described it as a collective unconscious. A kind of... amalgamation of the unconscious thoughts and personalities of every person who’d ever been on Earth.” 

“Charles... as in the Emperor?” 

“Yes.” 

“And... this other person you mentioned... are they a blood relative?” "

Lelouch scoffed, “C.C is at best an accomplice although I thought at one time she might class as a friend.”

“And she experienced this... collective unconscious as well?”

He shrugged, “I think so.”

The doctor wrote that down, a furrow in his brow. “Has anyone else in your family had this... connection, to your knowledge?”

“I’m not exactly in touch with most of my  _ family _ .” He spat out the word, “Charles might have done I don’t know. He was mad.”

The doctor couldn’t deny that Lelouch’s predecessor had been... interesting, as a monarch. That only gave credence to his theory. Nodding once, he decided he had heard enough.

“Thank you. I assume I will be talking to the both of you again in the future, but I have more than enough to think about for now.”"

Lelouch nodded and straightened out, taking his contacts out in an easy and practiced manner before catching Dr Millars eye, “Tell nobody what you discuss with us regarding the Zero Requiem plans or anything I deem necessary to be confidential. General medical points may be discussed outside this room.” He put his contacts in and waited for the Geass to settle, “Thank you doctor.”

The doctor blinked for a moment, looking disoriented, and then nodded. “Of course.” He stood up, and gave them one more polite nod before leaving. As soon as he left, Suzaku turned his attention to Lelouch. 

“That wasn’t so bad... was it?”"

The second the doctor had left Lelouch had crumpled in on himself, curling up again and hiding his head in his arms. “It was pretty bad.”

Suzaku put an arm around him, and kissed his hair. “Are you okay?”

Lelouch leant into Suzaku, “Not really. I thought it would be worse though. I... I tried to be honest.”

“I’m glad you did. So did I.” 

“I’m so tired, Suzaku.”

Suzaku rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “You can rest now.”

He swiped a hand aggressively across his face and pushed his head into Suzaku’s shoulder. “I hate talking about this.”

“I know. But if we don’t then we’ll never get better.”

“I don’t see how it’s making us better, I just feel worse now.”

Suzaku kissed his head again. “It’ll take a while.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t very forthcoming earlier... you were so brave...”

“Brave?” Suzaku asked. “No... I’m sorry you had to hear it.”

“I want to hear it. I want to help, Suzaku.” He wanted to climb into Suzaku’s arms and just be held but he thought that would be pushing it. 

“It was hard for you to hear.” Suzaku said softly. “I noticed that you were uncomfortable. Don’t think I didn’t.”

“I don’t like hearing about how you’d probably be dead if it wasn’t for me. I love you too much and that hurts.”

Suzaku sighed softly. “Take it as a compliment? You mean enough to me to make me not want to die.” 

“I will.” He kissed Suzaku softly, “I wasn’t looking at you when I was talking...”

“I think he thinks you’re crazy.” Suzaku admitted. “A lot of what you said didn’t make much sense to me, so I can’t imagine what he heard.”

“I don’t know how much sense I was making... I was trying to be honest without giving too much away. If you want to know though I can try and explain it better.”

“The world of C thing worries me.”

“It worries me too, I don’t understand it.” He tucked his head into Suzaku’s neck, “Sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. If... if I ever do... please find some way of keeping me away from people. Please.”

Suzaku was quiet for a moment. “Of course.”

“It goes away more when I’m hyped on caffeine or with you. I wish I could talk to C.C about it... maybe she’d know.” Lelouch was scared, now he’d admitted to hearing the collective unconscious he suddenly felt like it was more real, a bigger threat. 

“It doesn’t... influence your behaviour, does it?”

“No. I’m still in control of me.”

“Good.” Suzaku breathed. “Do you think... would it be possible to contact C.C.? To ask her how to manage it?”

“I... I don’t know how... I could potentially try through the world of C but...” he let out a small sob, completely overwhelmed. “I’m scared Suzaku, I don’t want to lose my mind as well.”

“Woah, hey.” Lelouch’s outburst was unexpected, and Suzaku frowned as he realised how much Lelouch had been holding back for him to break just like that. “You’re not losing your mind. Just because you have this weird new ability that you don’t know how to control yet doesn’t mean it’s going to take over.”

Lelouch held tightly to Suzaku, crying quietly, “I’ve been trying... not to think about it... and I suppose... talking... I don’t want to... do it again...”

“Do what again? Talk to it? Let it in?”

“Talk... about it... but I suppose... I have to...” Lelouch desperately tried to pull himself together, embarrassed by how emotional he was being. 

Suzaku comforted him in silence for a few seconds. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“How did you do it? Talk about everything?”

“I put my feelings in a box, and focused on giving facts, not feelings. He did ask you a lot more personal questions than me. Mine were all just fact, more or less.”

“I don’t think he knew what to think of me... he did well under the circumstances...” Lelouch lay back, pulling Suzaku with him. 

Suzaku went down with him, humming pensively. He couldn’t help but worry. 

Outside of their room, the doctor was having a conversation with Nunnally about the conclusions he was coming to about the both of them. In particular, he asked a lot of questions about what it was like growing up with Lelouch, and how he acted as a younger teen and a child. When the time came for him to make a verdict, he asked that Nunnally join him, and an hour or so later he was back in the room, looking over his notes and tapping his pen against the clipboard in a nervous tic. 

“Suzaku.” He started, and Suzaku looked up. “You were fairly easy to diagnose. Your self assessment was correct, I believe we have enough evidence to diagnose you with clinical depression. I recommend you start taking antidepressants soon, and you might be on them for a while.” 

Suzaku gave a short nod. He’d expected as much. And hey, at this point putting more pills in his body wasn’t going to make that much difference to his daily routine. He could only hope they’d make him at least a little bit better, for Lelouch. 

“Lelouch, you were a lot harder to place. After speaking with your sister about your history,” he nodded at Nunnally, who was watching them with a concerned look on her face, “I think I can make a tentative diagnosis. I want you to answer two more simple questions before I do, though. May I?”

Lelouch nodded simply, he was desperately trying to hold himself together in front of Dr Millar and Nunnally.

“Have you held or do you hold a belief that you know for certain is true, but no one around you seems to see or understand it?

“I... don’t think so? Unless you my mother’s death... No one believed me when I said it wasn’t the whole story or even the truth... I was right though, so that doesn’t count, right?” His voice cracked on the last syllable.

“I see. Last question, Nunnally told me that before you returned to claim the throne, you lived a relatively quiet life in Japan for many years. During this time, did you feel like you were destined to be a lot more important than you were, or like no one was recognising your importance?” 

Lelouch frowned, where was this going? “I... Yes, I was a prince of Britannia stuck in a place where nobody knew who I was and completely unable to do anything to help my sister. Of course I felt like that!” 

The doctor sat back, and crossed his legs. Lelouch was not going to like this. “Now, I want you to understand that your situation is a very complicated one because a lot of what would be called symptoms in other people do actually have some logical backing to you, but... the vast majority of the information you’ve given me indicates paranoid schizophrenia.” 

Immediately, Suzaku was up in arms, sitting up and staring at him. “You can’t be serious. Lelouch is not schizophrenic!”

“I’m sorry,” Dr Millar held up his hands, “He ticks almost every single box, bar one or two. Hallucinations, difficulties determining reality, paranoia, grandiosity, there’s even some evidence here to suggest he inherited it from his father, which, I have to say, would explain a lot of the late Emperor’s behaviour, especially towards the end of his reign.”

Lelouch was stunned... he... he really  _ was _ crazy wasn’t he. He burst out laughing, “Well why not? This may as well happen.” He knew he wasn’t helping the doctor's opinion but he didn’t care. 

“But- But it’s all  _ real _ !” Suzaku pointed out. “The world of C thing, I’ve been there! I saw it!”

“Going to a physical place was not what Lelouch claimed to have done. He claims to hear a jumble of voices in his head that don’t come from him, that change in intensity when he’s tired. Having visited this place, can you claim the same?”

“I mean, no, but-“

“And if it had been confined to the past few months,” the doctor interrupted, making Suzaku growl in anger, “I could have written it off as addiction or withdrawal symptoms, but Lelouch described many of these symptoms to have been going on for years.” "

Lelouch flinched, “I... it’s not...” he fell silent, what could he say? Dr Millar had made a conclusion and there was nothing he could say to dissuade him. He couldn’t blame him - the Demon Emperor being crazy was definitely an attractive idea. 

“Unfortunately because of your heritage and life circumstances, some of these areas are a little... blurry, but I’m concerned enough about what you’ve told me about your issues processing reality that I think treating you for schizophrenia is our best option.”

Lelouch took a deep breath to steady himself, “Okay... what do you need me to do?”

“I can put you on a course of antipsychotics, and I would recommend that both of you get regular therapy to check up on how you’re doing.” 

Beside him, Suzaku wasn’t sure how to process that. He was sure the doctor was wrong but the more he turned things over in his head, the less sense everything seemed to make. “I- I knew him as a child, though. We were friends.” He started. “He never acted... like that.” 

“Like what?” The doctor asked curiously. 

“Crazy.” Suzaku said bluntly. 

“Didn’t he?” The doctor asked softly. “No disruptive behaviour, no periods of confusion, no violent tendencies?” 

For a moment, Suzaku was speechless, the only image in his head the image of a child Lelouch saying with absolute vehemence that he was going to destroy the empire. 

“I talked to Dr Millar about our childhood.” Nunnally said softly, sadness in her eyes. “About Lelouch’s gambling habits, and how he seemed distant and unpredictable for long periods of time. How a lot of his behaviour didn’t make sense to me.”

It felt like the walls were closing in on Lelouch, pressure applied from all sides. This was it, this was where he lost everyone. Disregarding his pride he curled himself up as much as he could, pulling away from Suzaku who’d started to move closer. It was bad enough that Suzaku was here and watching this but Nunnally? He was supposed to be the strong one and here he was falling apart because one person said he was crazy. It wasn’t the first time he’d been called that, but it was the first time it had made this much sense. He wanted to rationalise, wanted to fight against these claims but his energy was just gone. “Get out.”

The doctor watched him with concern, slipping the pen back under the clip and standing up to leave. “I’ll write out both of your prescriptions and leave them for you to collect.” He nodded at Nunnally, “Empress,” and left. 

“Lelouch...” Nunnally said once the doctor had left, moving a little closer to the bed.

Lelouch didn’t look at her, “I said get out.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but thought better of it, and left. Suzaku stayed silent and still. Lelouch didn’t want his input at that moment. 

Lelouch was silent for a moment before he started laughing. His laughter quickly became maniacal. Suzaku glanced down at him, concern written on his features. He had had moments like that himself, but only at his worst. Lelouch was falling apart. Lelouch registered Suzaku’s concern but only barely, “Oh Suzaku, don’t look at me like that, haven’t you heard? I’m crazy!” 

“You know there’s more to it than that.” Suzaku said quietly. “Isn’t there? He doesn’t know about the Code, about Geass, about any of that.”

Lelouch sobered at that, “Of course there’s more. I’d like to think I’d notice if I’d gone crazy but... I don’t know he was pretty convincing... I can’t tell him... I can’t tell anyone.” He buried his head in the pillow, “Nunnally thinks I’ve lost it.”

“You’re still the same Lelouch you were before he said that. Maybe... maybe it’s good for you to do something about your...” He chose his words carefully. “...dream... issues.”

“You can say it you know. I’m not going to break.”

“Hallucinations?”

Lelouch gasped out a laugh, “They may as well be... it just feels like sometimes the world disappears and I’m back in the worst moments of my life, or someone is there who I am convinced is dead...”

Suzaku cautiously put a hand on his arm. “Why did you never tell me about this?”

“You’ve seen it happen... you’ve been there. I-I thought you knew.” He leaned into the touch for a moment. 

“All I saw was you spacing out or having a panic attack. I didn’t know what you were seeing. It could have been anything.”

“ _ Tch _ , I’m pathetic. I’m sorry.” He rolled over to face Suzaku. “I didn’t want to worry you. You have enough to deal with without me being crazy.”

“Hey, I’m crazy too.” Suzaku half-smiled. “They’re putting me on meds too.” 

“About time.” Lelouch’s attempt at teasing fell flat. “I don’t think I need them... I...”

“What harm can it do?”

Lelouch finally gave in and turned to hug Suzaku, “I don’t know... I’ll... I’ll try.”

Suzaku hugged him tightly, and kissed his hair. “Surely if there’s even a chance it can make things better, we should try.” 

Lelouch didn’t answer, just burying his head in Suzaku’s shoulder. It had been a bad day and he didn’t really want to think about it. After a while Lelouch pulled Suzaku down, encouraging him to lie on him. He wanted to be completely surrounded by Suzaku, he needed to feel safe. “They say things get worse before they get better don’t they...”

“The night is darkest before the dawn.” Suzaku quipped with a little smile, propping himself up over Lelouch and looking down at him. 

“Thank you, I really don’t deserve you.” He brushed the hair off Suzaku’s face. 

Suzaku leaned down to kiss him softly. “No matter what happens, you’ll be always be my Lelou.”

Lelouch kissed him back desperately, “Aishiteru Suzaku...”

“Aishiteru.” Suzaku gently tucked Lelouch’s hair behind his ear. “I’ll always love you.”

Lelouch smiled, “I’ll love you for longer.”

Suzaku trailed kisses down his jaw and neck, drowning out his retort. 

Lelouch moaned softly, he was exhausted but couldn’t help wishing for more. He wanted Suzaku, he was ready. He scratched his nails lightly across Suzaku’s shoulders before sliding them to the top of the bandage. The memory brought him up short. “Your side...” His voice was faint and breathless. 

“It’s fine.” Suzaku assured him. Two days in, and he was already tired of being brought up short by his injury. “Let me do this.” He undid the top two buttons of Lelouch’s shirt, and kissed the prominent ridge of his collarbone, pushing his collar aside and trailing his lips over the red mark he found there. 

Lelouch sighed in pleasure, letting his head fall back. “Just don’t... don’t strain... yourself...”

“I won’t.” Suzaku promised, one hand working slowly down his front, undoing each button and lavishing attention on the bared skin. 

Lelouch was practically touch starved, he’d gotten used to having Suzaku with him all the time and being able to do this practically whenever they wanted. He pushed up into the contact, wincing when he could see each one of his ribs. Unperturbed, Suzaku ran his tongue over Lelouch’s nipple. He’d missed making Lelouch squirm beneath him. 

Lelouch gasped, scratching harder across Suzaku’s shoulders, “...S-Suzaku!” He was unashamedly hard now and trying very hard not to grind up into Suzaku. 

Suzaku grazed his teeth lightly over the sensitive spot, and teased it with the tip of his tongue, holding himself just over Lelouch to avoid putting weight on his wound, not deliberately winding Lelouch up but managing to do it anyway. 

Lelouch whined as he lost his internal struggle and pushed his hips up into Suzaku, “More... please... oh!” Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it was a bad idea but he needed this, needed to feel close to Suzaku.  

Suzaku gasped a little in pain when Lelouch bumped up against his injury, and put a firm hand on Lelouch’s hip, holding him down. “Be patient, my Prince.” He purred softly, and punctuated the statement by dragging the flat of his tongue over Lelouch’s skin. 

Lelouch writhed under Suzaku, trying not to touch his wound. Suzaku’s words sent a bolt of heat directly to his cock and he gasped.

“Do you think I could get away with sucking you off, right here and now?” Suzaku asked, teasing, trailing his lips further down to Lelouch’s navel. 

The sudden hit of arousal that came at Suzaku’s words made Lelouch keen and pull on Suzaku’s hair. “Oh god! I... if... you can... but... oh!... don’t... push it.” Lelouch was panting now. 

“I can manage.” Suzaku assured him, shifting so he was between Lelouch’s legs, nuzzling his hard cock through his clothes. 

Lelouch was embarrassingly wound up after so little. Back at home he’d been working on lasting longer and trying to be less sensitive to every touch. Unfortunately that had worked on the principle that he was being touched on a regular basis. Even after two days his ridiculous sensitivity was back and it was humiliating. He moaned breathlessly as Suzaku touched him, he’d completely stopped thinking. “Ah... S-Suzaku!!”

“Shh.” Suzaku nipped at the skin just above his waistband. “Someone might hear you.”

Lelouch struggled to find reasons to care about people hearing him but tried to keep it down anyway, whimpering softly as he felt Suzaku’s teeth on his skin.  After teasing him for a moment longer, Suzaku pulled down his trousers and underwear, just enough to uncover Lelouch’s cock and let Suzaku press a kiss to the length. 

Lelouch was trembling with the effort of keeping himself still. It was at this point that Suzaku would usually pin him down or tie him down and the memory just made him throb with need. “Hurry!” 

“Patience.” Suzaku repeated, taking Lelouch into his hand and licking a long line up the underside, until his tongue flicked over the very tip. 

Suzaku’s slow pace was torturous, every movement winding Lelouch up more than usual. Self restraint was always hard for Lelouch and now Suzaku was injured and probably couldn’t take it if Lelouch gave in he really had to control himself. He buried his fingers in Suzaku’s hair but didn’t push. 

Suzaku gave him a series of kitten licks around the head, waiting until he was squirming and whining before giving in and taking him into his mouth properly. 

Lelouch lost it, any form of coherence that he’d been clinging onto went out the window at the feeling of Suzaku’s mouth on him. It had been too long and even just the feeling of being in Suzaku’s mouth was enough to bring him closer to the edge. Bobbing his head back and forth, Suzaku looked up at him, the sounds he was making only serving to turn Suzaku on to no end. 

Lelouch didn’t last long at all, his back arched off the bed and he came with a scream that was definitely loud enough to be heard outside their room. Suzaku swallowed him down, giving him a sharp pinch on the hip to warn him to be quiet as he continued to pleasure him, drawing out his orgasm as much as he could. 

Lelouch’s voice died and he pulled at Suzaku’s hair, trying to pull him off. If he’d been sensitive before he’d come then he was triply sensitive now and it was bordering on painful. Suzaku let him go, and tucked him back into his underwear before moving back up to kiss him deeply, a heavy blush on his cheeks. 

Lelouch could taste himself as kissed Suzaku back as best he could. He was exhausted and still trying to get his breath back. “That... was... incredible... I’ve missed... you...” He paused to kiss Suzaku more, “Give me a... moment and I’ll... do you.”

Suzaku ran his tongue over Lelouch’s, riled up and needy. Eventually, he broke the kiss, panting and looking down at him with lust in his eyes. “I’ll never get tired of making you scream.” He said in a tone heavy with desire. 

Lelouch still wasn’t completely with it, “I love it when you make me scream.”  He kissed Suzaku once more before gently pushing him off to lie next to him. “How is your side?” He’d almost gathered enough energy to return the favour. 

“It’s fine.” Suzaku assured him, shifting a little uncomfortably, painfully turned on. 

Lelouch pulled himself up to hover over Suzaku, stroking down the side of his face before grinning wickedly, “Tell me what you want then.”

“I want your mouth on me.” Suzaku told him, cupping Lelouch’s ass with both hands and grinding shamelessly against him. 

Lelouch jerked slightly, still very sensitive. He leaned down to kiss the side of Suzaku’s mouth, “Your wish is my command, my Knight.” He kissed down Suzaku’s neck, biting down gently, he knew how riled up being bitten got Suzaku and he didn’t want him to overdo it. 

Suzaku drew in a sharp breath through his teeth, bucking up against him. “Harder...” 

It was Lelouch’s turn to tease now. “Oh but I wouldn’t want to hurt you...” He grazed his teeth lightly across Suzaku’s shoulder. 

Suzaku growled, pushing his hand up under the back of the shirt that Lelouch had never lost, digging his nails in just a little. “You know I can take it.”

Lelouch smiled against Suzaku’s skin before biting down hard, “Was that a challenge?”

Suzaku gave a soft cry, throwing his head back. “Yes. You know I want you to push my limits. Please, Lelouch...”

“I’ll push you when you’re better... but for now...” he bit down again slightly further along Suzaku’s shoulder before unbuttoning his shirt and kissing down his chest. He spent time on each nipple, flicking his tongue over each one before biting at them, leaving them red and sore. 

Suzaku hissed, knotting his fingers in Lelouch’s hair. The sharp shocks of pain made the pleasurable feeling of Lelouch’s tongue that much better. “Yes... Lelouch, I want you...” 

“And you’ll have me soon enough... I’ve been practicing...” he traced patterns into Suzaku’s uninjured side through the bandage as he kissed across the top of it. “I’m ready for your cock Suzaku... I can’t wait to have it inside me... you’re going to feel so good...”

Suzaku swore under his breath, his cock straining against his boxers at the mental image. “You don’t know how much I fantasise about having you... All of you, all mine...”

Lelouch laughed breathlessly before dropping further down the bed and tracing along Suzaku’s waistband with his tongue. He cupped Suzaku’s cock with the hand not holding him up. He didn’t move his hand, just held it there, sure that the lack of satisfying contact would drive Suzaku crazy. 

Suzaku gave a choked half-moan and bucked against his palm. “Lelou!”

Chuckling at Suzaku’s eagerness he undid his jeans and pulled his boxers down just enough to pull out his swollen cock. Lelouch took a moment to appreciate how worked up Suzaku was, his cock was weeping and flushed dark red. Making eye contact with Suzaku he lowered himself so that he could take just the head in his mouth, licking up the precome that had collected there. 

Suzaku made a desperate sound, struggling to keep his hips still as his cock twitched eagerly in response to the attention. 

Lelouch flicked his tongue over the head a few more times before taking Suzaku into his mouth fully. He’d been practicing with some of the larger toys to be able to take more of Suzaku and he was quick to utilise that new skill. He relaxed his throat and took Suzaku in as far as he could manage. He couldn’t quite take all of him but he was only about an inch or so off the base which he was proud of. He swallowed around Suzaku’s cock, making it easier for himself and more pleasurable for Suzaku. 

Suzaku covered his mouth with the hand that wasn’t in Lelouch’s hair to stifle a sharp cry, eyes wide in shock and lust. “F-fuck, Lelouch...” He managed, his voice uneven, breathy and desperate. It was almost enough to make him lose it right then and there. 

Lelouch pulled off to breathe, lightly scraping his teeth up the shaft before sinking back down, he got slightly further but not by much, his gag reflex starting to make itself known. He swallowed around Suzaku again, humming slightly to send vibrations through his cock. The sounds Suzaku was making were incredibly erotic and he was sure that if he was in better shape he’d be hard again in no time. He repeated the motion a few times, adding in small licks to the head of Suzaku’s cock every time he came up for air. 

Suzaku’s breathing was rapid and shallow, punctuated with half-moans and sounds of pleasure. Every little thing Lelouch was doing was making his skin prickle with heat and the pressure between his hips build. “L-Lelouch...” He attempted to warn him by tugging lightly on his hair, not sure if Lelouch would be able to take it so far down his throat when he came. His toes curled, his body arching off the sheets as he tried not to lose it too soon. 

Lelouch pulled off enough that he wouldn’t choke, wrapped his lips around the head and sucked hard in answer. Suzaku tried his absolute hardest to control himself when the pressure snapped, but he couldn’t completely, giving a rough cry that was almost Lelouch’s name and bucking sharply several times in a row. 

Lelouch relaxed his throat as best he could, letting Suzaku fuck his mouth as he came. He coughed slightly when he pulled off but was otherwise alright. When he tried to speak however, all that came out was a husky croak. He gave up trying very quickly. Once he had his breath back he tucked Suzaku back into his jeans and moved up to lie on his uninjured side. 

Suzaku was panting hard, and put a lazy arm around Lelouch’s waist when he collapsed against his side. “You’ve been practicing...” Suzaku accused breathlessly. “You’ll have to teach me how to do that...”

“Maybe I will... maybe I’ll just let you learn on your own.” He teased. Now the distractions were over he felt decidedly shit. Before he could chalk up the trembling to arousal but now he had to admit that it was withdrawal that was getting him. He felt nowhere near as bad as he had the previous day but he’d died from that so that wasn’t saying much. “How’s your side?”

“You’ve asked me that like fifty times today, Lelouch. It’s still pretty much the same.”

“I can worry about my boyfriend.” He grumbled, “What about the withdrawal?”

“It’s... alright.” Suzaku said. It was better than it had been, but still not great. 

“You’ll tell me if it gets bad won’t you?”

“Yeah. Of course I will.” Suzaku murmured quietly. 

“Good.” Lelouch was exhausted, every time he moved he got dizzy. 

“What about you? Are you feeling a bit better now?”

Lelouch thought about lying but decided he owed Suzaku honesty this time. He closed his eyes and tucked his face into Suzaku’s neck, “I feel awful.”

Suzaku stroked the back of his hair. “What kind of awful?”

He held his hand up in silent answer, it was shaking violently. 

Suzaku took it gently and kissed his knuckles. “Do you need a nap? Something to drink? Come to think of it, I need to eat something. And I could do with another dose of painkillers. Could have done with them for a while, in all honesty.” 

Lelouch glared at him, “You said you were fine!”

“I have a high pain tolerance.”

“That’s not the point!” He sighed, “I could do with some food or something to put in my stomach. I’d really like a coffee if I’m honest.”

Suzaku bit his lip. “Is it... a good idea? I guess getting you off it slowly is probably better for you than cutting you off completely, isn’t it?”

“I don’t think cutting me off is going to work. If this is how I feel after two days and... well yesterday... happened.” He shuddered, “I want to try though.”

“Maybe only drink coffee and don’t take pills?”

Lelouch shrugged, “I don’t know what the best way to do it is.” He sat up slightly, even that movement sent his head spinning and he lay back down. He’d exerted himself too much earlier evidently. 

“Stay put.” Suzaku reprimanded lightly. “We’re both still recovering, remember?”

“Yeah... I was trying to press the button to get more painkillers for you.”

“Mm... Okay.” Suzaku reached out to press the button. “We can get you something too.”

“Maybe.” He rested his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, waiting for the world to stop spinning. A few minutes later the doctor came in. 

“You called?”

“I could do with some more painkillers. And... am I allowed to eat yet, or do I have to be put back on the IV? I think Lelouch could do with something, too.” He stroked Lelouch’s hair gently. “He’s not feeling too good.”

“No food for you yet, I’m sorry to say. You’ll be on IVs for a while, but you can start on solid food tomorrow or the day after depending on how you are healing. What’s wrong with... Lelouch?” She stumbled over his name, not sure she was allowed to say it. Lelouch glared but didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to move, and he had a sinking feeling that if he spoke he’d still be croaky from earlier. 

“He’s suffering withdrawal badly. And he also could do with something to... not eat, you know what I mean.” He tapped the inside of his elbow. 

“Caffeine withdrawal? I can get him some pills in a moment.” She reattached Lelouch’s IV as well despite the glare, addressing Suzaku instead. “How much was he eating on a regular basis before? We are going to have build it up slowly.” Lelouch had mixed feelings about eating, he really didn’t want to but he wanted to get better for Suzaku and not look like a skeleton anymore. 

“Barely one meal a day.” Suzaku said, looking down at him. “And whatever I can get him to eat. Bits and pieces here and there.” 

Lelouch huffed but still didn’t speak. “Okay, So Lelouch do you think you could drink a smoothie or a milkshake?” She changed her tone with him, it was hard to see the ruthless tyrant when he was curled up around Suzaku looking miserable. 

Lelouch nodded slightly and immediately regretted it as it made his headache off several times worse. 

“...Maybe some painkillers for him too.” Suzaku observed, noticing the wince and the way he pressed his hand to his head. 

“I’ll be back in a moment, I’ll also bring the pills recommended by Dr Millar this morning.” She left quickly, leaving Suzaku and Lelouch alone again. 

Suzaku opened and closed his hand a few times, getting the blood flowing. “D’you reckon we start taking the pills straight away, or...?”

“I don’t know... I’ll just do what it says on the packet for the first time in my life” he mumbled. 

Suzaku smiled down at him. “Probably a good idea.”

When the doctor returned she had several small boxes with her. She handed Suzaku his antidepressants and put the caffeine pills and antipsychotics next to Lelouch. “Suzaku you need two of those a day, Lelouch you can take two of the antipsychotics when Suzaku takes his and you can have up to 4 of the caffeine pills a day. I’ll bring you those. You can have one now.” Lelouch tried to get up, struggling for the packet. 

Suzaku took the box and opened it, pulling out the little leaflet with the instructions on. He found the Japanese section and read through it. Like with all medications, the list of side effects was ridiculous, but he brushed it off. The likelihood of it actually being that bad was low. Lelouch grabbed the caffeine pills and immediately downed two despite the doctor’s protest. The movement had made his headache worse and sent his head spinning but he didn’t care, the caffeine would make him feel better. Suzaku gave him a light slap on the shoulder. “Lelou, you’re only allowed to take four a day. You’re going to have to pace yourself if you don’t want to run out, and I’m not letting you overdose again.” 

“I can’t Suzaku... I need more than that... it’s too soon...” he was glad the doctor had left already because his begging was frankly embarrassing. 

“It’s doctor’s orders. She knows better than you do what’s going to help and what’s going to harm.”

“She hates me. She doesn’t care.”

“I care.”

He buried his head in Suzaku’s shoulder, “It’s not enough. I promise I won’t overdose.”

“No.” Suzaku said firmly. “How would you feel if I asked you for just a little bit more alcohol? Just to curb the cravings?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it? How?”

“You’re stronger than me.”

“So I’ll be your strength.” 

“I can’t ask that of you. It’s not fair.”

“You’re mine.” Suzaku told him. “That’s what boyfriends are for.”

His words made Lelouch feel warm inside but then again that could be the caffeine. “Aishiteru Suzaku.”

“Aishiteru. Promise me you won’t take any more than four.”

“I’ll try but if I feel really bad...”

“If you feel like you’re going to keel over you can have a coffee or something. Extra pills are only for extreme circumstances.”

Lelouch sighed, Suzaku had him and he knew it. “Okay...”

“Thank you.” Suzaku kissed his hair. “I’m proud of you.” 

Lelouch relaxed into Suzaku’s side, “How long do you think we’ll have to be here?”

“I’m here for four to five days, depending on how quickly I heal. You... I don’t know.”

“I’m leaving when you do.”

“Of course. If they want to keep you longer I’m staying with you.”

“I don’t want to stay here. I’d forgotten how it feels to be looked down on and hated, judged for everything I do. A stupid lapse in judgement i suppose.”

Suzaku sighed. “I told you they’re more scared of you than they are of me.” He half-joked in an attempt to lighten the mood.”

“I know they are.”

“Especially since they’re scared of me because of my physical abilities, and with a gut wound I can only do so much. You... they don’t know how you do what you do. You’re unpredictable.” Doubly so now, he thought to himself but didn’t add. 

“Unpredictable is safe for me.” He rubbed a hand across his face before twining his legs with Suzaku’s. 

Suzaku put a careful arm around Lelouch. “Lelou... maybe... maybe not everyone’s out to get you. Not any more.”

“Maybe... they would be if they knew I was alive... they can’t know Suzaku...” 

“The doctors here aren’t out to get you. Nunnally isn’t. I’m not.” 

“Not sure about the doctor...” he was feeling so much better now the caffeine had hit but was sleepy now. 

“Which one?”

“They both hate me...”

“I don’t think they do. I think they’re scared of you, because they’re worried you’re going to lash out for little to no reason.” Suzaku was treading lightly around his words, trying desperately not to say the one thing he knew would set Lelouch off. 

“I don’t want to hurt them... I don’t want them to hate me Suzaku... I just want to be left alone, haven’t I don’t enough?” The world was feeling fuzzy. 

“You’ve done more than enough, and once we’re stable they’re going to send us home and we don’t have to deal with them again.”

“I want to go home now... but I want you to be okay more.”

“Only a couple more days. A couple more days, and then I can go home, and you’ll come with me.”

“I can’t wait.” 

“You look tired.” Suzaku commented,  running his fingertips lightly over Lelouch’s arm. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep?”

“I can try but I don’t want you to be alone awake... it’s not fair... I... slept.... enough last night.” 

“I don’t think that works the same way as sleep.”

“I don’t know... I’ve never tested it...”

“Please don’t.” 

“I... wasn’t... going... to...” Lelouch yawned and tucked himself as close to Suzaku as he could. 

Suzaku rearranged the tube of his IV so it wouldn’t get in the way, and hugged Lelouch close. He didn’t say anything more, knowing that Lelouch was about to drift off. Lelouch’s last conscious thought was that he was so lucky that he had Suzaku. Suzaku was tired too, but in that back-of-his-head nagging sensation sort of way, not the sort that actually let him sleep. He just held Lelouch close and listened to the sound of his breathing. 


	16. The Road to Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...is not a smooth one. And sometimes it feels like you're going backwards. But that's life, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to comic con this weekend aaaaaaaa
> 
> And of course we're cosplaying our favourite boys, who else?

Lelouch slept through the doctor’s next check up on them. “Suzaku, how are you feeling? Are the painkillers working alright?” 

Suzaku nodded, careful not to disturb Lelouch. “Yeah. Nothing hurts.”

“Good.” She changed the bag in his IV. “You’re healing surprisingly well.”

“Surprisingly?” Suzaku asked, eyebrow raised. 

“You heal faster than anyone else I’ve ever treated. I don’t understand how.”

Suzaku frowned, and looked down at himself. “I mean... I’ve always been physically fit.”

She shrugged, “I don’t know but it seems like more than that.” She checked his bandage before moving towards the door, “I’ll be back later to check on you.”

“Thanks...” Suzaku frowned. He’d been injured plenty of times before, and he’d never noticed anything unusual about it. 

Lelouch stirred about half an hour later, seeming to wake up fairly calmly. The caffeine had actually helped Lelouch to sleep as he didn’t feel as terrible as he did before. He had, however, dreamed. It hadn’t been pleasant but it hadn’t been a nightmare either, something Lelouch was feeling tentatively positive about. 

Suzaku noticed him stirring, and kissed his hair. “You slept well.”

“Surprisingly.” He nuzzled against Suzaku’s neck, “Did anything interesting happen?

“The doctor said I’m healing weirdly fast.”

“You’ve always healed weirdly fast.”

“Have I?” Suzaku asked, thinking about it. “I suppose I was put back into active service only a few hours after I was shot... and after the Lancelot blew up, I was only laid up for a short while.” Two months wasn’t a short while but for the extent of the injuries Suzaku had suffered it was incredible. 

“It’s not natural...” Lelouch wasn’t that awake yet, mumbling into Suzaku’s skin. 

“But... how?” He frowned, holding up a hand and turning it over, looking at the few small scars on his wrists and hands. 

“I don’t know... maybe you were a freaky experiment...”

Suzaku snorted and pushed him lightly. “Don’t kid around. I’m serious.”

“Okay, okay I’m awake. I don’t know why you are so freaky... but I love you anyway.”

“I never doubted that. In fact you’re probably glad I heal faster than normal. I... would like to know why though. Maybe it’s just lucky genes?”

Lelouch yawned, “Maybe you should ask the doctor to test you.”

“Maybe I should...”

“Shh less talking more hugging.” He was tired and for one hadn’t woken up screaming. 

“Mm... Okay.” Suzaku held him close, and kissed his hair. 

Lelouch dozed for a while, not wanting to move off Suzaku. “You okay...”

“Me? Yeah. I’m alright.” 

“Good... I want you to be okay... I want more coffee as well because I’m way too tired.”

“Coffee? Already?” 

“Always.”

Suzaku sighed. “Hand.”

Lelouch held out his hand, it felt like he was trying to move through cotton wool. Suzaku observed it, seeing if Lelouch was shaking and if so then how much. He was trembling but not overly badly as he put his hand in Suzaku’s. 

“Do you feel dizzy? Sick?”

Lelouch lifted his head, “A bit dizzy but not sick... not really...”

“Then I think you can abstain for a bit.”

“Suzaku...” Lelouch whined. 

“You can’t give in every time you get a craving. That’s not how recovery works.”

Lelouch grumbled but gave in relatively easily. “Fine. Is there something we have to do now?”

“I... don’t think so. According to the leaflet, I’m supposed to take one pill in the evening and one first thing in the morning, so I guess you should do the same. And I’m still on bedrest, so... we’re pretty much confined here for now.”

“Great... I need to... think through the trial.” He tried to prop himself up as best he could. 

“What about it?”

“How we’re going to play it, we need to be able to counter Schneizel.”

“Lelou... You want to see Kanon executed, don’t you?”

Lelouch frowned at Suzaku, “Of course I do. He hurt you and endangered the very fragile peace of the empire. He also committed treason - the punishment for which is death.”

Suzaku grimaced a little bit. “I don’t want that.”

He startled, “What? Why?”

“Because he’s scared, and the one person he cares about most has been subjugated and dehumanised by that mask. That wasn’t a violent attack on me, Lelou. That was a desperate bid to free someone he loves.” 

Lelouch scoffed, “I wouldn’t be so sure. Kanon knew exactly what he was doing, he’s smart - it was calculated and almost succeeded.”

Suzaku gave a soft sigh. “Lelouch... Right before he did it, he asked me if I understood. And I do. I know what it’s like to have your life sworn to your Prince, and to do anything for him. If someone was holding you hostage, manipulating or controlling you, I would do the same.” 

Lelouch went silent, thinking. “Would you?” he whispered, not intending Suzaku to hear. He paused for a moment remembering the one time that he had been manipulated and controlled and Suzaku had helped, not tried to save him. Kanon’s situation was different, he’d always been in love with Schneizel for as long as Lelouch could remember him being around. He sighed and nodded, “I suppose I understand.”

“Killing one half of a pair is the most horrible thing you can do to someone. You know how they feel about each other. Imagine how you would feel if I were to be put to death. I don’t care if he tried to kill me, a lot of people have, and he didn’t succeed. He doesn’t deserve to go free without consequences, no, but... I don’t want to see him executed.” 

He flinched at the thought of Suzaku dying, memories threatening to overwhelm him. He understood what Suzaku was saying, when Suzaku died he would be so horrifically alone and he wouldn’t wish that on anyone... except maybe V.V or Charles. “Okay... I won’t try and kill him...”

“Thank you.” Suzaku sat up so he could kiss Lelouch’s cheek. “I don’t need anyone else dying on my account.”

Lelouch ran his hands through Suzaku’s hair, playing with the wayward strands. “Is that how you felt even during Zero Requiem... when you hated me. Before all of this?”

“That I wanted to protect you?” Suzaku asked. “...Yeah. I made some really hard decisions. You don’t know how much of what I’ve done has gone against everything I wanted or stood for, and knowing that hurts.”

“I’d hazard a guess at serving me. I... didn’t make it easy for you.” He paused, looking away, “Why did you want to protect me?”

“Because you’re Lelouch. You’re my oldest and best friend.” 

Lelouch buried his face in Suzaku’s hair, “I don’t understand... you hated me...”

“I hated what you’d done. I hated Zero. That’s what made it so hard, because I was dealing with my worst enemy and my closest friend all rolled up into one. I had a chance to finish it, and... I couldn’t. Because it was you.”

He held Suzaku close, “I understand.” 

Suzaku closed his eyes, horrible memories flashing past in his mind. “I was a coward.”

“What do you mean?”

“I knew it would have been kinder to pull the trigger. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so I tried to palm that job off on someone else. Of course... that’s not what happened.” He took a deep breath. “For a brief period of time, I thought I’d done the right thing. That I’d eliminated Zero and kept Lelouch, that you would live a normal life as a normal student. But that wasn’t meant to be either.” 

Lelouch tensed at the memory of his time under Charles’ control, “It probably would have been kinder...” he remembered struggling for months, feeling like he was fighting himself, knowing that it was wrong but being unable to tell anyone or see anyone who understood. When he did occasionally surface it had been to Suzaku’s presence which was almost worse because he did know and he wouldn’t help. The later set of memories were confusing for a completely different reason. It had been like key parts of what made Lelouch himself had been stripped away in favour of a more passive person, it had been incredibly violating. “I’m glad you didn’t though because then we’d never have managed all this.” He waved a shaking hand at the room in general.

“Yeah. I guess so.” Suzaku sighed, curling into Lelouch’s side. “I’m a horrible person.”

“No, you made some bad decisions but that doesn’t make you a horrible person. It all ended up okay.”

“Knowing what I’m capable of scares me.”

Lelouch’s hand went still in Suzaku’s hair, still shaking, “Is this about the Geass?”

“No. Maybe a little bit, but no.”

“What do you mean then?”

“I can be really cruel sometimes. I don’t like it.”

“You’re not the only one... but as long as you have reasons for why then...”

Suzaku shook his head. “It’s not okay. I’m a filthy hypocrite. I preach kindness and fairness and peace and then turn around and do cruel, violent things myself. It’s not okay, and I have no right to call those shots.”

“Does anyone? You have every right to call those shots, the only caveat is you have to be able to live with yourself afterwards. Nobody should kill whose not prepared to be killed and all that.”  

“It’s funny you should say that.” Suzaku pointed out sardonically. 

“Hey! I lived with plenty of terrible decisions.”

“Oh no. That’s not what I meant.”

Lelouch narrowed his eyes at Suzaku’s head, “Is this because I can’t die and stay dead?”

“No. It’s because you say I shouldn’t do these things if I’m not willing to die for it.” 

Lelouch flinched, he hadn’t realised the implications of his phrasing. “I... I... You were willing to die for it... too willing...”

“I thought as much.” 

“I don’t know Suzaku. What do you want me to say? You were wrong and cruel and shouldn’t have done the things you’ve done? I’m not going to say that.”

Suzaku shrugged. “Just thought I’d acknowledge the irony.”

Lelouch shook his head, “Too soon Suzaku... I-I...” his voice broke, “I don’t want to think about you dying right now.”

“I’m sorry.” Suzaku tilted his head back, eyes closed. “Is it evening yet?”

“You can sleep if you want. I’m not going anywhere.” He looked down at his trembling body, the shaking was getting worse again, “I don’t think I can anyway.”

“No. I’m not tired. I was just wondering if I should take the pill.”

Lelouch craned his neck to try and see the clock on Suzaku’s bedside. “It’s about 8pm.”

“Hm.” Suzaku reached over for the box, and pulled out the pills. Giving them one more look over, he popped one into his palm. “Here goes nothing.” He commented dryly, and swallowed it dry. Putting the pills back in the box and the box back on the side, he indicated Lelouch. “Your turn.” 

Lelouch grabbed both boxes  and immediately downed two of the caffeine pills. He was fed up with shaking like a leaf. He knew he had a problem, he didn’t have to look like it too. He looked over the other packet, reading through the list of really fun side effects. He shrugged they were hardly worse than what he was feeling now. He also swallowed it dry, making a face at the taste. “Those are grim.”

“Yeah...” Suzaku gave him a look. “I don’t think you should be taking two of those at a time. If you take them one at a time you can spread it out and feel okay throughout the day instead of feeling great for a bit and then crap again.” 

“That was... probably a good idea.” He fell back against the pillows, being careful not to tangle the IVs. 

“Something to remember for tomorrow.”

Lelouch couldn’t sleep. He might have been physically weak but he wasn’t tired. Suzaku had finally fallen asleep about half an hour ago and Lelouch was alone with his thoughts. He was extremely tempted to take more of the caffeine pills, he knew that he’d get little to no sleep and wanted to be at peak mental performance all night. He needed to consider their options. He stroked Suzaku’s hair absentmindedly as he thought. On the one hand they could pretend this had never happened and go back to the life they’d been living up till now. It was an alluring idea, there were far less things to think about then. He knew that wasn’t going to work though. Too many people knew they were alive now and if he was honest he knew that they couldn’t have gone on like that forever, one or both of them would have ended up crashing spectacularly. 

They could try and swing this to their advantage somehow. Lelouch had several ideas about how that could work but he didn’t really want the pressure of trying to pull off another grand scheme. He was quite happy with the way things were going at the moment and saw no need to interfere overmuch. Nunnally was doing very well, and unlike Suzaku she’d clearly read the notes he’d left for her. 

The most logical idea and coincidently the one that scared Lelouch the most, was to just let it happen. Go with the flow. Since he’d become Zero he’d taken control of his life in a way that had quickly become addictive and he didn’t want to give up his precious control now. Having said that he had Suzaku to think about now. He smiled as he looked down on him sleeping peacefully - it was so rare these days that either of them slept well. For Suzaku’s sake he’d give up some of his control. He’d sit behind the stage and offer advice when asked and fight if necessary. In the meantime he’d work on getting better, some of the things - such as the eating - had been going on a long time and had only been made worse by the stress of being Zero and then Emperor. He wanted to get better, for Suzaku and he definitely didn’t want to be crazy.

Suzaku slept for maybe two hours peacefully before tossing and turning, muttering under his breath as he clutched at Lelouch, pulling him from his thoughts. Lelouch startled when Suzaku grabbed him but quickly realised what was going on. “Hey Suzaku... come back to me... come on...” he shook him gently, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. Suzaku’s expression contorted, his breathing shallow and uneven. Concerned now, Lelouch shook him harder, “Suzaku!”

Suzaku jolted awake and, before he registered what was going on, he was pinning Lelouch to the bed, a hand at his throat. 

Lelouch gasped for breath, clutching at the hand around his neck, “S-Su...za...ku...”

Suzaku blinked a few times, slowly coming back to himself, breathing hard. Realisation dawned on his face, and he scrambled back, swearing. Wrapping his arms tightly around himself, he drew himself into a ball. “Lelouch, I... I’m so sorry...” 

Lelouch curled up, the rising panic slowly engulfing him. His breathing came faster but it caught in his throat causing him to panic more. Distantly he realised that Suzaku would need him to be okay, he needed to reassure Suzaku that he was okay. He couldn’t break out of it, retreating further into his mind, memories of his time underground surfacing and causing him to panic further. 

“Lelouch!” Suzaku watched him in horror, and internally, he screamed at himself. What the hell had he done? This was his fault. Unsure whether it would be better or worse to move closer, he uncurled a little and held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Lelouch, I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you. I won’t touch you, I promise.” 

Lelouch barely heard him over the sound of his heart pounding. He couldn’t breathe, it was happening all over again. He pulled himself in as tightly as he could, the whole room was shaking - or was that him? He couldn’t tell. A whimper of fear escaped him as he felt someone move near him. 

Suzaku froze dead at the sound, eyes wide. Lelouch was scared of him. Tears prickled in his eyes but he stayed put, making himself as non threatening as possible. 

After what seemed like an age Lelouch’s breathing slowed. He pushed himself up to sit curled into a ball facing away from Suzaku. He still didn’t like Suzaku seeing him like this, he was too vulnerable, but at least if it had to be anyone Suzaku was the best person to see it. The trembling was slowing down and he felt exhausted. When he thought he could speak he raised his head slightly. “A-Are... you okay?”

Suzaku was hugging his knees tightly to his chest, feeling horrible. How could he have done that? How could he still be so hostile? “I’m- I’m sorry.” He murmured, a tear slipping down his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”"

“It’s... okay...” Lelouch didn’t uncurl but turned awkwardly to Suzaku, “Not... your... fault...”

Suzaku shook his head, burying his face in his arms. His shoulders shook with the effort of holding in his tears. He was dangerous. Violent and unpredictable and cruel. He’d hurt Lelouch even after promising not to. Lelouch took as deep a breath as he could and reached out to tug Suzaku’s hair, “...Look at.. me. It’s not your fault...”

Suzaku refused to move. He didn’t deserve Lelouch’s comfort. Not after he’d tried to strangle him. 

Lelouch finally got his breath back and moved across to press his shaking body into Suzaku’s good side. “Not your fault.”

“I- I tried to kill you...” He sobbed, his knuckles white with the force of his clenched fists. 

It was rare to see Suzaku this emotional and it scared Lelouch, “No you didn’t, not really. I’m fine see.” He pulled Suzaku’s hand towards him and rested his fingers over the pulse in his wrist. “Still alive. No harm done.” He was not okay but that didn’t matter, he was ignoring it in favour of helping Suzaku. 

Suzaku couldn’t make himself look at Lelouch. He wouldn’t risk hurting him again. Sniffing, he swallowed back his tears, letting Lelouch handle him without resistance. The faint beat under his fingertips was only a minor reassurance, as it wasn’t Lelouch dying that he was upset about. It was that he was unstable enough to choke his own lover without realising what he was doing. He was a monster. 

Lelouch bumped Suzaku’s shoulder gently, “Hey, talk to me.”

Suzaku shook his head. Lelouch didn’t want to hear what he had to say. 

“Please.”

Suzaku wiped his tears away and sniffed. “Don’t. I’m- I’m dangerous.” He didn’t feel dangerous. He felt pathetic, but he could still feel Lelouch’s throat beneath his palm, and the worst part was that wasn’t even the first time it had happened, and it hadn’t been an accident last time. Lelouch’s words that night still haunted him. 

“Not to me.” Lelouch wrapped his arms around Suzaku as best he could. 

“How much have I hurt you?” Suzaku asked in a quiet voice, playing idly with the tube that ran to the crook of his elbow. 

“I’m fine. I’m not hurt I promise.”

“Not today.”

“Tell me what you’re thinking Suzaku... please. I want to help.”

“I...” Suzaku started. “I don’t know why you’d want to be near me when I cause you so much pain.”

Lelouch was taken aback. He knew Suzaku would be bad after realising what he’d done but he hadn’t expected this. “I want to be near you because I love you.”

“Even when I wake up choking you?!” Suzaku snapped, gesturing at the bed. 

“Even then! Yes it’s scary. It’s fucking terrifying Suzaku. But I’m trying, here! I want you and to help you far more than I care about a few panic attacks!”

Suzaku covered his face with his hands. He hadn’t felt this low in a while. Weren’t the pills he had taken supposed to help? Then again, expecting things to change after the first one was probably optimistic. Speaking of which...

“Your pills.” He murmured against his palms. “You didn’t take one.” "

Lelouch was taken aback. “I took them earlier when you did?”

“Not the caffeine pills. The other ones.”

“I took it!”

Suzaku frowned a little. Maybe he was remembering wrong. “Oh. Okay. I’m... sorry. How long was I asleep?” He tried to keep his voice low and even, changing the topic. 

Lelouch tried to get his shaking under control. Now was not the time to look weak. “About two hours.”

“Mmkay.” That wasn’t long. Suzaku took a deep breath and pushed his hair back, off his forehead. He probably looked a mess. 

Lelouch reached for him, desperately wanting to be held. A small part of him flinched at the idea of contact but he pushed it away. Suzaku needed this as much as he did. Suzaku froze when Lelouch touched him, but when he glanced at Lelouch, he didn’t seem panicky or hesitant. Softening a little, Suzaku opened himself up and pulled Lelouch into his lap, against his chest. He rearranged the drip and wrapped his arms around Lelouch’s waist, hugging him close. 

Lelouch held Suzaku tightly, avoiding his injury. “You did scare me but I don’t blame you at all.”

“I’m sorry I’m so unpredictable. Even I don’t know when I’m going to hurt someone, and I hate it.”

Lelouch buried his head in Suzaku’s neck, “It’s okay.”

Suzaku sighed softly, starting to pull himself back under control. “Are- Are you okay? I know I freaked you out.” 

“It was like I was back there all over again and you... you... I’m sorry I shouldn’t have reacted so badly.”

“You didn’t... see it, did you?” Suzaku asked warily. 

“What do you mean?”

“You know, like... more than a memory?”

“Just now? I mean it was a flashback if that’s what you mean?”

“Not quite.” Suzaku kissed his forehead, relaxing a little. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t think I was... we were back there.” 

“Not this time, sometimes it feels so real... it’s hard to tell the difference between the memory and reality but that’s more when I’m alone.”  Lelouch thought it was pathetic the way he always seemed to get sucked back into the past he wanted so desperately to move on from. 

“Has it been better since you’ve been living with me, then?” Suzaku asked, brushing Lelouch’s hair back from his face and considering him, as though he’d be able to spot any visual signs to betray what was going on in his head. Lelouch nodded and tried to avoid Suzaku’s eyes, it had become a habit when he wasn’t wearing his contacts - he’d taken them out at some point in the night when it appeared that they’d be left alone. 

“That’s good.” Suzaku smiled, cupping his cheek and brushing his thumb over it. “What about... can you hear them? The... collective unconscious?” 

“I can always hear them but they’re quiet today. I don’t think it’s going to get any easier... the more times I... die... the louder they get. It’s like the connection is getting stronger.”

Suzaku frowned, thinking about that. “Do they talk to you? Can you hear individual voices? Words?” 

Lelouch shook his head slightly, “Not really. It’s just like a lot of people talking behind a door, you can’t hear it properly but you know they’re there. There’s one voice that’s occasionally stronger... it might be C.C but I’m not going to try and find out.”

Suzaku wasn’t sure if relief was the emotion he was supposed to be feeling. He couldn’t deny he had been concerned that something in Lelouch’s head would talk to him, and possibly make things worse. It was good to know that it seemed to be passive, though the idea of it getting stronger was scary. “Try and keep it behind the door, if you can?” He suggested softly, worried for his boyfriend. 

Lelouch gave a small laugh, “That door's firmly closed... and locked.” He leant forward as much as he dared and put his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, “I never wanted this so I never bothered to ask C.C anything. I regret that now.”

“Has it only been happening since the Requiem? Or before? I... don’t know much about how Geass works.” He didn’t want to admit he was pushing for reasons to believe it was definitely an outside source, and not just Lelouch’s mind itself. 

Lelouch shrugged slightly, “I don’t know Zaku. It definitely wasn’t like this before but there was always something after I got Geass. I always assumed it was a connection to C.C because of the contract.”

“Something? Like what?” Suzaku asked, confused. 

“I don’t know...” he repeated, “It was like... a rope? ...Connecting my mind to something else. I never heard anything until after Charles took me to the world of C and even after that it was faint. I thought I was going crazy but I ignored it. Stupid really.” He started to shake again, unsure whether it was the withdrawal or emotion. 

Suzaku nodded. That sounded reassuring. “Good. That’s... that’s good. I know we don’t understand how it all works, but we’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.” 

“Too much time.” Lelouch murmured, not intending Suzaku to hear. 

Suzaku kissed his hair again. “Don’t worry about it. As long as it’s not hurting you it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

“No, it’s just making everyone think I’m crazy.” He pulled away, looking at Suzaku, “You don’t think I’m crazy... do you?”

“You just told me it didn’t start until this whole mess with the Geass. That’s pretty convincing evidence to suggest you’re not crazy.” Suzaku admitted. 

He scoffed, “It's still been years.”

“But it’s a reason. Geass isn’t made up. Geass isn’t in your head. It’s real, and anything that comes from it is real too.”

“Too real.” He sighed and tightened his grip on Suzaku for a moment. 

“I’d be a lot more worried if you said it’s been happening since before you even knew Geass existed.” Suzaku said quietly, letting Lelouch hold on as tightly as he needed to. 

He stiffened, “Not the... voices in my head, no. They’re new.”

Suzaku sensed that there was more to his statement. “But...?”

“Seeing things that aren’t there... dreams, reality... that’s not new...” Lelouch took a deep breath, he’d promised Suzaku honesty, “Since the war, since Marianne and you... I saw you sometimes you know. It felt like old times but then someone would talk to me or something would happen and you’d be gone again.”

“You saw... me?” Suzaku asked, not sure what to make of that. “Did I talk to you?”

“Sometimes... but it was nothing new... just like rehashing old memories. You were my best friend you know, the only one who knew  _ me. _ ”

“I still am, aren’t I?”

“You’re more than that now.” Lelouch looked him in the eye, “You’re my everything now.”

Suzaku smiled softly. “You’re mine, too. But you already knew that.”

Lelouch leaned forward to kiss him softly, “I’m yours forever.”

Suzaku returned the kiss, letting his fingers thread through Lelouch’s hair, carefully working through the knots. The doctor chose that moment to walk in, gasping softly. She had wondered but now it was very obvious. She felt like she’d walked in on something very private. Lelouch’s back was to her but she could see the exact moment when Suzaku realised she was there. 

He pushed Lelouch away lightly, clearing his throat and blushing. “Um, Lelou... we have company.” 

Lelouch froze and turned around slowly, “Enjoying the view?” His voice was scathingly sarcastic. 

She flushed and looked away. “My apologies.” Suzaku was looking more than a little mortified, covering his mouth with his hand. 

Lelouch got off Suzaku with as much elegance as he could manage. He lounged back onto the pillows with all the grace of royalty. “Well? I hope it’s important.”

Suzaku was not managing to maintain his composure. He was blushing furiously, not looking at either of them. 

The doctor scrambled for her professional demeanour and finally spoke up. “I just came in to check on you two and change Suzaku’s bandage. He can be released in two days.” He’d probably be fine to go back now but they wanted to keep Lelouch under observation for longer and knew that if Suzaku left then he would too. They wanted to keep Lelouch for a lot longer than two days and she knew her team were fascinated by his apparent ability to come back from the dead - they’d reviewed Lelouch’s heart rate monitor and he’d definitely flatlined for a while. She didn’t think that Lelouch would take kindly to being a test subject and she  _ really _ didn’t want to get on either of their bad sides. Lelouch was unpredictable and Suzaku would defend him with everything he had she was sure. “Also, Dr Millar asked me to let you know that he’d come round later once you are settled in your new room. Nunnally wants to move you there as soon as possible.”"

“We can move out of here? Does that mean I can be taken off of this?” Suzaku asked, holding up the IV. 

“Yes, I’ve almost stopped the intravenous painkillers now anyway. I’ll give you some pills to take. I want both of you to try and eat something when you move. Suzaku take it easy on the food for now, nothing big or complicated and try and get Lelouch to eat something.” Lelouch glared at her but said nothing, eating was still not high on his priority list or something he wanted to be reminded of. He was a genius goddamn it. He knew when he had to eat. 

“Okay. I can do that.” Suzaku gave a single nod. 

She removed his IV and changed his bandages, “That wound looks like it should be over a week old, you’re very lucky.” Suzaku’s healing baffled her and she wanted desperately to study both of them. She moved to Lelouch, “I’ll remove this when you are eating and not before.” 

Lelouch bristled at her tone, “Are you threatening me?”"

Suzaku put a hand on his shoulder, and shook his head quietly. He hadn’t ever really paid attention before, but... wow. Lelouch really was quick to assume the worst. 

“It’s not a threat, it’s a promise.” She tried very hard to not flinch away from his stare, his eyes were incredibly freaky and she was sure they hadn’t looked like that before. Taking a chance on Suzaku being able to control him she spoke again, “What happened to your eyes?”

Lelouch immediately turned away, putting a hand over his face. “Get out.”

Suzaku sighed. “He wears contacts. Don’t worry about it.” He turned his attention to Lelouch. “The sooner you cooperate the sooner we can get out of here. Just... watch what you say.” Lelouch nodded but refused to look up.

“I see…” She couldn’t help wondering which were the contacts exactly but didn’t ask and left the room hoping she was measured enough to not look like she was running away. 


	17. Replayed Scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's not right and both of them know it, but how can you differentiate between the false and the true when you can't tell them apart in your own head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to find sensible chapter breaks in a single long word document is hard...

“How could I be so stupid?!” Lelouch punched one of the pillows before turning to Suzaku. His headache was back with a vengeance, but at least the World of C was mercifully quiet. 

“You weren’t expecting her, and you can’t wear them all the time.” Suzaku reminded him calmly. “You can’t plan for everything, Lelou.” 

“I should have expected it or at least put them in when I saw her, played it off as a trick of the light.”

“You put them away, didn’t you? You couldn’t have gotten them out that fast.” Lelouch frowned but didn’t argue, instead reaching for the caffeine pills. “Only one.” Suzaku said firmly. 

Lelouch glared at him but obeyed, taking it dry. “Your turn.”

Suzaku raised an eyebrow, and reached for his antidepressants. “You have another one to take too. Every time I do, remember?” 

Lelouch had really hoped Suzaku would have forgotten but took it anyway, wincing at the taste. Suzaku took his too, sighing a little and putting the box back on the side. “I really hope these do something.” 

Lelouch lay down and rested his head on Suzaku’s leg. “I hope they help you, I really do.” He was convinced his pills wouldn’t help him at all but he was prepared to try for Suzaku. 

“You too. I don’t like seeing you all spaced out and reacting to things that aren’t there.”

He flinched, “I’m not that bad... am I?”

“Sometimes.” Suzaku said softly. 

“When? I don’t... remember.” It hurt to admit but he wanted to know. 

“If I leave you alone for a while, sometimes I come back and you don’t react to me at first. And... late at night, or first thing in the morning.” Suzaku’s voice was low and calm, trying not to say anything that would upset him. Sometimes you say things to me... look at me a certain way.” He shivered a little. It reminded him of Julius. 

Lelouch screwed his eyes shut. He really was crazy. “What do I say Suzaku. Tell me. Please...”

“Sometimes I can’t understand you... sometimes you accuse me of things... sometimes...” He gritted his teeth. “You ask me to kill you.” 

Lelouch moved off Suzaku and curled into himself. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. Just let me help you.” 

Lelouch was horrified that he’d fallen that far. He’d been spacing out for years but he just passed that off as something he did. It was worse now; there was too much fuel for it. He didn’t want Suzaku to help, didn’t want to drag him down too. It wasn’t fair. 

Suzaku laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You don’t hurt yourself, and you don’t try to hurt me, so that’s something.” He couldn’t help but wonder... he knew that Lelouch had been deliberately tyrannical during his time as Emperor, but Suzaku had seen him appear to snap on a whim and make slaves out of people who did less than nothing to warrant his suspicion, even ordering attacks on seemingly innocent people for as little as talking about him behind his back. There was a reason the people were cowed and afraid to speak of him even amongst themselves towards the end of his reign. Suzaku had always assumed Lelouch was just throwing his heart and soul into the part he had to play, but... now he was wondering if there had been some reality to his apparent paranoia. 

“It’s something...” Distantly, Lelouch wondered how much longer that would last. He had definitely hurt himself before, not in terms of anything overly physical but he knew he’d overdosed. He wondered how many holes in his recent memory were from him being dead as opposed to high as a kite on caffeine and painkillers. 

“Come on. Sit up. You’re okay.”

Lelouch curled himself tighter, he didn’t want to look at Suzaku, didn’t want the pity. He knew he was broken but he couldn’t play it off like before. Suzaku had to be wondering all sorts of things that Lelouch would hate. He didn’t want to see Suzaku doubt him, it had happened too many times in the past. 

“Don’t be like that.” Suzaku sighed. “Don’t shut me out.”

“‘M not.” He was losing himself slowly and that terrified him. 

“Yes you are. Look at me.”

Lelouch sat up but didn’t look at Suzaku, “Do you ever think that I played my part a little bit too well? How much of me actually became the mad tyrant everyone thought I was?”

Suzaku blinked. For a moment, he wondered how Lelouch could have known what he was just thinking. Then he remembered that it was  _ Lelouch _ , and he’d always had an uncanny ability to predict how other people think. 

“I don’t think you’re evil.” He said after a moment. 

Lelouch laughed, “That’s not what I asked.”

“I know you didn’t trust anyone but myself and C.C. I knew that much was real.”

“Suzaku. You’re thinking something and you’re not telling me. I don’t need to have Geass to know that.”

Suzaku sighed, letting his head fall. “You have a history of making impulsive, dangerous decisions, changing tack on a whim and overreacting when things don’t go your way. I’d have to be stupid if that didn’t set off alarm bells.”

That brought Lelouch up short. “Well... when you put it like that...” He didn’t know what to say. 

“I know you’re a genius and what seems like insane, impulse-driven thinking is probably carefully thought through and planned out in your head, but sometimes you do something and I’m just left wondering why the hell you’d do that, because it doesn’t make sense.”

“What do you mean?”

“Murdering potential allies? Lying about your motives when it was completely unnecessary? Threatening to blow yourself up with sakuradite?” 

Lelouch winced, in hindsight those decisions didn’t look good. “In my defence some of that was an accident.”

“Was it?” 

“Yes.” He remembered how it felt to have to kill Euphy because of a mistake, “Some of it.”

“Can I ask a question?” 

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing all morning?”

“Another one then.”

“Ask away.”

“Why did you blow up the JLF?”

Lelouch didn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t that, “On the ship or at Narita?”

“Either. But... mostly the ship. They were willing to work with you, your people were willing to work with them. You lied to them and killed them all despite that. Why?” 

“It was part of the plan... they didn’t agree with me or want to push the same goal. I couldn’t let them leave and face the possibility of them turning on me later.”

“So... you didn’t trust them.” 

Lelouch looked away, staring at the floor, “No.”

“Do you... see what I mean now?” Suzaku asked hesitantly. 

“Explain please.”

“Most people would have at least entertained an alliance. Or a passive acknowledgement. You... You killed them. You lied to your people, and eradicated them because you didn’t trust them without even talking first. You weren’t declared enemies.”

Lelouch flung his hand out, “And what would you have done?! They would have betrayed me eventually! It was preemptive.”

Suzaku held up his finger. “That. Right there. The automatic assumption that they were going to betray you eventually.” 

Lelouch stopped, “But they would have... everyone did...”

“Did they?” 

“Well... one way or another...” Suzaku didn’t understand. 

“Why?”

“Why did they betray me?” Lelouch pulled himself up, they’d betrayed him because he’d lied to them first.

“Yeah. I know there are exceptions,” Myself included, he thought, “but from an outsider’s perspective, it looked like you had the wholehearted loyalty of everyone around you- even though you never showed them your face, never told them your plans, never gave them anything but pretty words and victory. They stuck by you until you outright hurt them. If they’d ditched you on vague suspicion, you would never even have been able to put on the mask in the first place.” Suzaku knew he was probably saying the wrong thing, but Lelouch has asked and now that the dam had been broken, Suzaku’s observations about his painfully selfish, paranoid way of running things were all coming out. 

Lelouch flinched away, “I-I... suppose I did... for a while.”

“They put all their faith in a man they knew nothing about, not even a face or a name, and you never put any faith in anyone but yourself. Doesn’t that say something to you?” 

“It says I’m paranoid, doesn’t it?” 

Suzaku closed his eyes and took a breath before nodding. “Yeah. It does.”

“I did trust them you know... I just... expected them to betray me in the end...” He clutched at the sheets on the bed, still refusing to look at Suzaku.

“That’s not trust.” Suzaku dialled back the harsh edge of his voice, trying to be soft and comforting. “Trust is knowing that someone isn’t going to lie to you, or betray you, or hurt you. It isn’t expecting people to follow orders until they decide they don’t want to anymore.” 

“Why should I trust you then?” Lelouch lashed out, trying to push the conversation off him. The second he finished speaking he clapped a hand over his mouth. What had he done? 

Suzaku’s breath caught a little. “You shouldn’t.” He admitted, though it pained him to do so. “Of all the people you’ve dealt with, I am... I wouldn’t blame you if you could never trust me again.”

“Suzaku... I...”

Suzaku shook his head. “No. Of all the people you don’t trust, I’m the one that actually makes sense.”

“I do trust you though... despite everything.” Lelouch turned towards him, wanting to make him understand. 

“Do you?”

“I do. I trust you with everything.” His gaze fell to Suzaku’s hands, “Please don’t betray me again, I don’t think I can take it.”

“Never.” Suzaku said quietly, his fingers curling into fists. “But I couldn’t blame you if you couldn’t take my word for it.” 

“I suppose you’ll just have to prove it to me then won’t you.” He smiled brokenly, “I love you you know.”

“I love you too. And... I really wish I had some way of showing you how much I mean that.” Suzaku glanced up at him. “Anything I can do to reassure you.” 

“You do more than enough. I’m not... easy to love or even like really... so...” 

“Are you kidding? It takes next to no effort to get people to like you.”

“Long term Suzaku... and it’s usually always my fault why it ends. I don’t want to push you away so please tell me if I do.”

“I’m lost without you, Lelou. I wouldn’t last five minutes.” 

Lelouch reached for him, “Suzaku...”

Suzaku leaned on his shoulder, closing his eyes. “Maybe that’s why you can trust me. Because you know I can’t leave.”

“I want you to not want to leave.” Lelouch kissed the top of Suzaku’s head. 

“I don’t. You’re the best thing in my life right now.”

Lelouch couldn’t speak, so he wrapped his arms around Suzaku as best he could and buried his face in Suzaku’s hair. 

Suzaku smiled softly, resting his hand on Lelouch’s leg. “I don’t care about how messed up we are. We’ll make it work.” 

“You make it worth it.” 

“I don’t know why you think that, but I’m really glad you do.” 

Lelouch smiled and squeezed Suzaku’s shoulder, leaning into him. “We never manage to stay on topic for long do we?”

“No... but we do talk about the important stuff, which is good.”

“That’s true.” They sat curled around each other until Nunnally arrived. “Contacts.” Suzaku nudged Lelouch when he heard noises outside, but relaxed when it was Nunnally who came in. Lelouch put his contacts in quickly, fumbling for the case - his hands were still shaking. 

“Good morning Suzaku, Lelouch. Your room is ready!”"

Suzaku brightened. He was looking forward to a change of surroundings, and a proper double bed instead of two singles pushed together. “Thank you. Uh... am I allowed to just get up and walk there, or...?”

Nunnally looked concerned, “I don’t know, the doctors said you could be moved today but I don’t know if they want you to walk or not.” 

Soon after she spoke there was a knock at the door and the doctor returned, Lelouch tensed. “You can walk if you think you can Suzaku but I don’t want you pushing it. The slightest sign of pain and you’re going in this.” She gestured emphatically to her wheelchair. 

Suzaku gave her a look. “I’m not kicking you out of your own chair.” 

Nunnally laughed, “No silly, that one.” She pointed at the one the doctor was holding. 

Suzaku crossed his arms, looking unimpressed. “I can walk. Lelouch probably needs it more than me.”

Lelouch spluttered, “I can walk!”

Suzaku took his hand, holding it up and watching it shake. “I can’t carry you this time.”

Lelouch shook his head, his pride wouldn’t let him. It was humiliating enough to be shaking 24/7 he didn’t need the reminder of his weakness to be as obvious as being wheeled along behind his sister who had a legitimate reason to need her chair. He pushed Suzaku gently away before swinging his legs over the bed, ignoring the spinning in his head at the movement. Suzaku let him go with only mild exasperation, and got to his feet himself. His first instinct was to press a hand to his side at the twinge of pain, but he remembered what Nunnally had said and betrayed no outward sign that it had hurt at all. “You good?” He asked Lelouch, offering a hand to help him to his feet. 

Lelouch stood slowly. His legs shook and he swayed alarmingly but he stayed upright. He deliberately didn’t look at Nunnally, he didn’t want her to see him like this. “I’m okay...” 

“You can lean on me if you want.” 

Lelouch gave Suzaku a look, “No, you are the injured one here. I can walk.”

“I piloted a prototype knightmare with a fresh bullet wound. I can walk from one room to another with a several-day-old gut wound.” Suzaku pointed out. 

Lelouch blanched and spun to face Suzaku, swaying dangerously and completely forgetting there were other people in the room. “You did  _ what _ ?!”

Suzaku raised an eyebrow, “This isn’t new news to you, Lelouch. You’ve seen the scar.” 

“Yes but... I didn’t realise they put you in the Lancelot the same day?!” He cast his mind back and sure enough that day was the first appearance of the white Knightmare. 

“Yeah... it was kind of an emergency.” 

“Lloyd...” He growled, voice low and dangerous. 

“Hey, he’s eccentric and a bit callous sometimes but he gets the job done.” 

Lelouch huffed and crossed his arms but stopped arguing. They had a room to leave, “How far is it?”

“Oh wait hang on.” Suzaku grabbed their medication, as well as the bundles of clothes on the side. He handed one of the Zero masks to Lelouch. “We should probably take these with us.” 

Lelouch nodded and took the mask. The familiar weight was grounding and he smiled as he slipped it over his head. “We look stupid in these without the rest of the outfit.”

Suzaku laughed. “Yeah, it doesn’t match. Are you planning on walking around like that?”

Lelouch shrugged and threw his arms out, “Why don’t you think it looks dashing?” 

Nunnally giggled at their antics, pleased that they both still could be the brothers she’d always known. Suzaku might not be related to her but she considered him her brother in every way that counted. 

“Alright, fine. Tag team Zeros.” Suzaku put his on too. It did feel weird to have it on without the rest of the outfit. “Hey, you know when you pulled that million Zeros stunt? Do they all still have their masks?” 

Lelouch laughed at that, “I don’t know actually, I suppose they must do. The quality wasn’t great though so you couldn’t mistake it for the original.”

“I still can’t believe you did that.” Suzaku turned his attention to the door. “Right. Shall we freak out half the palace’s staff already?”

He smiled behind the mask and nodded, “Let’s freak them out.”

Suzaku laughed again and then headed out, holding the door for Nunnally and letting her lead the way. 

Lelouch was finding walking a lot harder than he’d expected. The withdrawal was hitting him hard and by the time he made it to the end of the first corridor he felt faint, sick and exhausted. He was thankful for the mask - nobody could see his no doubt contorted expression. Suzaku seemed to be walking fine, Lelouch noticed the odd twinge but that was because he knew Suzaku well enough and was looking. Suzaku’s injury did hurt, but nowhere near enough to worry about. He was far more concerned by Lelouch. 

Lelouch had been pulling himself together for long enough that it was almost second nature and he hoped that his body didn’t look like it was betraying him that badly. In his mind showing this much weakness in front of anyone but Suzaku was humiliating. In fact, even in front of Suzaku it was embarrassing. He’d fallen apart in front of Kallen and C.C before but he tried very hard to forget about that. 

As they walked, Suzaku looked around. He’d never been in every single room of the palace, but he’d walked around it enough to know his way roughly around. And they were moving into a part of the palace that he recognised more, something that stirred up bad memories. The last time he’d walked down this corridor, he’d been in the oppressive robes of the Knight of Zero, although now it was cleaner by virtue of being newly rebuilt.

When Lelouch finally looked up from focusing on putting one foot in front of the other he almost stopped in shock. He knew exactly where they were and he hoped with everything he had that Nunnally had not given him his old rooms back. 

Suzaku glanced over at Lelouch, though behind the mask he couldn’t see the expression on his face. “Nunnally... Where are we going?” 

Nunnally smiled brightly, “Lelouch’s old rooms, I moved the stuff over from the palace in Japan as soon as this place was ready, and I thought you’d like a bit of familiarity.”

Suzaku’s breath caught, and he looked at Lelouch again. “You... kept them the way they were?” 

She nodded, “It was easy, nobody wanted them - No offence Lelouch - and I wanted the memory... it felt like Lelouch could walk in at any moment and it would all be a bad dream.” Her voice caught on the last bit and Lelouch almost tripped. He noticed Suzaku looking at him and caught himself in time. 

“None taken.”

Suzaku’s heart hurt at her words. He hadn’t been back in them for the same reason. Cutting himself off from the past felt easier than wallowing in it. 

They continued down the corridor until they reached a very familiar door. “I’ll leave you here.” She handed Lelouch all the things she’d carried over for them, namely their clothes and pills as well as the call button. Once the doctor had been satisfied that both Suzaku and Lelouch could walk she’d left with the extra chair and given Nunnally painkillers for Suzaku. They’d come with the instruction to take them whenever he needed it but no more than six a day. Nunnally had refused to let Suzaku carry anything and had instead put it on her lap as they walked through the palace. 

Suzaku took a deep breath, and went in, putting their things down on the table in the centre of the room and taking off the mask. Somehow it didn’t feel right to mess around in here. So much had been discussed and decided in this room, so many harsh talks and threats and even blows exchanged. He could almost feel the weight of the Knight of Zero’s cape on his bare shoulders. 

Lelouch followed him in after thanking Nunnally quietly and promising to talk to her later. Suzaku was tense, he could see that from the door. He could also see Suzaku throwing him across the room and telling him to pull himself together and stick to the plan. He could see C.C and endless back and forth discussions between the three of them about how best to execute Zero Requiem. In this room Suzaku had hated him. He collapsed back, only kept upright by the door behind him. Suzaku turned back to him at the  _ thump  _ of his body against the door, and then went over. “Hey, hey, you should sit down.” He looped an arm around Lelouch’s waist, holding him up and leading him to the sofa.

Lelouch leaned into him before falling onto the sofa and curling into a ball. He could still see C.C eating pizza in the corner, the Knight Of Zero cape hung up, chess pieces scattered across the floor. Even moved halfway across the world the room was infused with the persistent feeling of desperation, determination and fear that had fuelled those last few months. He barely registered Suzaku sitting down next to him. 

“Take off the mask.” Suzaku said quietly. Lelouch hadn’t even realised he was still wearing it and pulled it off slowly, letting it fall to the side. Taking it, Suzaku put it with his own before sitting back. He wasn’t sure what to say. Glancing at Lelouch, for a moment he expected him to be in ornate white robes. “Are you okay?” 

Lelouch didn’t hear him, all he could feel was Suzaku dragging him up by the collar and throwing him across the room. The fear and feeling of inevitability that came with planning your own death and being cajoled towards it by your only friends. 

Suzaku frowned, and waved his hand in front of Lelouch’s face. “Lelou?” 

Lelouch didn’t respond.

Suzaku swore softly. It was happening again. Cautiously, he put a hand on Lelouch’s shoulder. “Hey. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real. You’re safe. You’re with me, and nothing is going to hurt you.” 

Lelouch flinched at the contact and withdrew further into himself, “It’s hard Suzaku... I’m scared... C.C... I... I don’t want to die...”

“It’s over. It’s done. That’s in the past now. You’re not going to die.” Suzaku’s tone was soft, reassuring. He turned to Lelouch, wanting to pull him into a hug but knowing that would probably freak him out. Instead, he just held out a hand. “You’re not going to die.”

Lelouch’s eyes focused briefly before he was gone again, lost to the memory. “Suzaku? Why are you here... comforting me? You don’t do that... you hate me...”

“I don’t hate you. The world is at peace. You made the world peaceful, and it’s over now. I’m proud of you.” Gently, Suzaku tucked Lelouch’s hair behind his ear, and leaned in to kiss his forehead. 

Lelouch shuddered before leaning into Suzaku, “I missed you. I don’t like you hating me...”

“I don’t hate you. I promise.” Suzaku sighed in relief, hugging him against his chest. “I love you. You know that.”

He still wasn’t entirely there but he was coming back slowly. He still thought it was the Suzaku from months ago, “You love me? Why?”

“Because you make me feel better, Lelouch. You’re gorgeous, and you care about me, and you make me feel happy. Actually, truly happy.” Suzaku played with Lelouch’s hair absently. Lelouch might still be confused, but at least he was recognising him. 

“I don’t understand why but I don’t care. It’s like a dream come true.” His eyes were still out of focus but he pushed himself into Suzaku’s arms, “Hold me, let me have this... I’ll be gone soon...”

Suzaku hugged him tightly. “You’re not going anywhere, Lelou. You belong with me.” 

It was a while before Lelouch came back to himself fully. Eventually he pulled away from Suzaku and sat up, burying his face in his hands. “It happened again didn’t it.”

“Yeah.” Suzaku wouldn’t let him escape completely, keeping an arm around his shoulders. “I don’t blame you. Being here... it brings back a lot of memories.” 

“I can’t keep falling apart like this... I can’t...”

“That’s what the medicine is for.” Suzaku reminded him gently. “You’ll be alright.”

Tears pricked at Lelouch’s eyes, he was so frustrated that he couldn’t do anything properly anymore. “I’m broken.”

Suzaku sighed softly. “We both are. But we’re not broken beyond repair.”

“You’re not broken... you’re amazing...” He tried to wipe the tears from his face without Suzaku noticing. 

“I have clinical depression, PTSD and I’m suicidal.” Suzaku pointed out dryly. “I wouldn’t exactly say I’m a perfectly well-adjusted human being.”

Lelouch huffed, “I’ll give you that.”

Suzaku was quiet for a second or two, and then asked. “You remember the day in the park?”

He finally lifted his head out of his hands, “Of course I do... it was the best day of my life.”

“That happened after everything, didn’t it? And... if you look at it from an outside perspective, it wasn’t anything particularly special. Just you and me, hanging about, laughing and talking and spending time together.” He nudged Lelouch. “We can do that again. We can do it a hundred times, because even though everything that happened has chipped away at us like this, we  _ are _ still capable of being happy. You see?”

Lelouch smiled at him, “I see.” 

“We will be happy, Lelou. I promise.”

Lelouch all but threw himself at Suzaku. “Thank you.”

Suzaku huffed a little when his injury protested, but hugged him tightly. “No problem.”

Belatedly, Lelouch realised that he’d probably hurt Suzaku and scrambled back, swaying when his body protested the movement. “Oh god are you okay? I’m so sorry!”

Suzaku gave a soft chuckle, pressing a hand to his side. “I’m fine. Promise.”

Lelouch looked skeptical but let him have it, lying down with his head in Suzaku’s lap. “I don’t want to talk to Dr Millar again.”

Suzaku played with his hair, humming absently in agreement. “He did say he wanted us to keep getting therapy, though. Whether that’s with him or someone else, I don’t know.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone about that again.”

“Not even me?”

“You don’t count.”

“Fair enough.” He laughed, then sobered up a bit. “It might do you some good, you know? Let you figure things out. I know if it’s offered I’m probably gonna go. It’s not fun, but it’s not like I can get my titles revoked at this point in my life, and I’ll take any chance I can to make myself better for you.” 

Lelouch felt guilty now, “I’ll go as well then... I want... I don’t want to keep... leaving.”

“I can go with you, if you want. For moral support.”

“I’d like that. I can come with you as well if you want?”

Suzaku nodded. “As long as you don’t mind hearing about it. I know it’s not easy for you.”

“It can’t be harder than watching me... not being here...”

“As long as you come back to me, I’m okay.”

“I’ll always come back.”

Smiling, Suzaku kissed his cheek. “Good. So... when the doctor comes back to check on us, are we going to say yes to therapy? For both of us?”

“I guess so.”

“I’m proud of you.” Suzaku assured him, brushing his cheek affectionately. “I know it’s not easy for you to talk about.”

Lelouch turned to kiss Suzaku, ignoring the way he was shaking, he wanted to forget. “Shall we make some better memories?”

“That sounds like a brilliant plan.” Suzaku told him, pulling him up so he could kiss him properly. 

Lelouch pushed Suzaku back so he was lying on the sofa and kissed him hard, running his tongue along Suzaku’s lower lip lightly. Letting himself be pinned, Suzaku opened his mouth, letting him take what he wanted. One hand found his hair, the other resting on Lelouch’s back, thumb brushing over the ridge of his spine. He climbed over Suzaku, straddling him and deepened the kiss, arching into Suzaku’s touch. Suzaku pushed his hand up under the hem of Lelouch’s shirt, running his tongue over Lelouch’s and seeking out more contact. Lelouch pulled away from the kiss just long enough to pull his shirt off over his head, dropping it next to the sofa and leant straight back in and bit Suzaku’s lip gently. Suzaku gave a shaky breath, his hands roaming over Lelouch’s back as he rolled his hips against Lelouch’s. Lelouch moved with him, trying to keep his weight off Suzaku as much as he could. He kissed him hard before kissing across his jaw and down his neck. Suzaku tilted his head back, exposing his throat to Lelouch’s attentions. 

Lelouch sucked marks all the way down Suzaku’s neck before biting his shoulder in the way he knew Suzaku loved. Suzaku moaned, his hands moving down to cup Lelouch’s ass.  “More...”

Lelouch smiled into Suzaku’s skin before giving him another sharp bite and bumping his hips hard into Suzaku’s. 

Suzaku cried out, quickly getting riled up. “Yes... Just like that...”

Lelouch ground against Suzaku and kissed down his chest, taking a nipple into his mouth and taking it in turns to swirl his tongue around it and bite it. Suzaku gasped and writhed below him, the alternating pain and pleasure overwhelming his system. “L-Lelou...”

Lelouch pulled off, hovering just above Suzaku, a wicked look on his face. “What Suzaku? What do you want?”

“I just want you to get me off, Lelou... I don’t care how...”

“ _ Tch _ , not good enough,” he leant down so his hair brushed across Suzaku’s collarbone, “Tell me how you want it...”

Suzaku shivered a little, flushed and hard. “I... I want you to suck me off...” 

“Was that so hard?” He bit Suzaku’s ear, “Trousers off then.”

“You’re gonna have to get off for that...”

Lelouch flushed and climbed off, undressing himself quickly. Suzaku shimmied out of the rest of his clothes, until the bandages around his torso and arm were the only thing he was clad in. The second Suzaku was naked Lelouch pounced on him, kissing him passionately and grinding their cocks together. Suzaku made a weak sound of pleasure, pulling Lelouch flush against him and kissing him breathless. 

Lelouch loved feeling Suzaku against him, but the bandages were rough against his skin and he pulled back slightly to put less pressure on them. He retraced the line of marks he’d made earlier, flicking his tongue over the more sensitive ones. 

Suzaku tilted his head aside, closing his eyes, his breathing heavier than normal. “You know just how to wind me up...”

Lelouch laughed breathlessly, “I’ve had practice.” He kept kissing down Suzaku’s chest and repeated his actions from earlier, tracing shapes lightly across Suzaku’s bandages on his good side. 

“Do you want me in your bed?” Suzaku asked, breathless. 

Lelouch sat back onto his thighs stroking Suzaku’s cock absently, they’d have more space if they moved... “If you think you can make it?”

“I can make it. I want to receive a blowjob in the Emperor’s bed...” He teased, breathless and smirking. 

“Mm and from the ex-Emperor himself... Aren’t you a lucky knight.” 

“The luckiest.” Suzaku took his hand and pulled him through to the ornate bedroom. He collapsed on plush sheets, looking up at Lelouch. 

“Wow it’s been a while since I’ve been in here...” he pushed away all of the memories that threatened to overwhelm him and focused on Suzaku, crawling over his legs to position himself between them. 

Suzaku spread his thighs, putting himself on display for Lelouch. “Did you ever imagine you’d have me naked in this bed?”

Lelouch bent down and kissed across Suzaku’s hipbone, “It was a fantasy I must admit... though not one I ever thought I’d get to try for real.”

“Look at you, living your fantasy...” Suzaku breathed, his fingers winding themselves into the sheets. 

“Well not quite, in my fantasy you were fucking me hard into the bed. If it had been real I would definitely not have been able to walk afterwards.” He moved down to lick up Suzaku’s inner thigh, biting down on the sensitive skin there. 

Suzaku moaned aloud, both at the bite and the image Lelouch had put in his head. “We could make that happen... I’m sure Nunnally would be more than happy to let us stay the night from time to time...”

If Lelouch had been hard before he was aching now. “I’m sure she’d be okay with it but can we stop talking about my sister when I’m about to suck you off?” He punctuated his statement with a sharp nip to Suzaku’s other thigh. 

Suzaku yelped and laughed. “Yeah. I’ll shut up now.”

Lelouch huffed in amusement before taking Suzaku’s cock in his mouth and sucking hard, swirling his tongue around the head to collect all the precome. 

“Oh...” Suzaku moaned. “Lelouch...” He clawed at the sheets, trying to restrain his involuntary thrust upwards. 

Lelouch hummed and sank down as far as he could go. He was getting better at it and could almost reach the base. Swallowing around his cock he pulled off letting his teeth graze his cock lightly as he moved back. 

Suzaku swore, canting his hips. “More, Lelouch...”

Lelouch bobbed his head a few more times, pushing his tongue into the slit every time he pulled back. He moved off to catch his breath, scratching down Suzaku’s thighs. He licked down the shaft towards Suzaku’s balls, experimenting a little he took one in his mouth and sucked. 

Suzaku whined, forcing himself to stay still. “Tease...” he accused. 

Lelouch laughed and moved back to Suzaku’s cock, sucking hard on the head before sinking back down relaxing his throat as much as he could. 

Suzaku groaned. “How did you learn how to do that...?”

Lelouch hummed, sending vibrations through his cock before moving up again, breathless. “Practice.” He sank back down, swallowing repeatedly around the shaft. 

The feeling of Lelouch’s throat around him was making thinking hard, but in between soft noises of pleasure he asked, “You’ve been practicing with your toys, haven’t you...?”

“Mm.” Lelouch looked up, making eye contact with Suzaku and maintained it as he bobbed his head, licking and sucking as he went. 

“Ah...!” Suzaku gasped, thighs spread wide and trembling with pleasure. He could feel every flick of Lelouch’s tongue, every swallow and every moan. It was driving him crazy, feeling hot and horny and needed. All he wanted was to tangle his fingers in Lelouch’s hair and fuck his mouth until he came down his throat. “L-Lelou...” His breath came in short pants. “I-I’m getting close...”

Lelouch pushed his head into Suzaku’s hand, encouraging him to grab hold. He found it unreasonably hot when Suzaku fucked his mouth. Suzaku took the invitation, clutching hard enough to tug and thrusting into his mouth, a choked half-moan escaping him. He felt hot and tight and tense all over, quickly building to an orgasm which he tried to force out by giving in and taking exactly what he wanted, rougher than rational thought would let him be. Lelouch relaxed as much as he could, his throat protesting. He loved it though, Suzaku treating him roughly, and when he came he came hard, straight down Lelouch’s throat, and he swallowed as much as he could before pulling off coughing. 

Suzaku felt drained but satisfied, mildly lightheaded from the intensity of his orgasm as he panted. “I swear that gets better every time...” He breathed, opening his eyes to look at Lelouch. “You okay?”

“Yeah I’m... I’m fine.” His voice was hoarse but he was smiling as he licked the last of Suzaku’s come from his lips. 

Suzaku rolled them over, pushing Lelouch down onto the many pillows and kissing him deeply. Lelouch kissed back with as much strength as he could muster. He was exhausted but his long-neglected cock throbbed in need and he moaned into Suzaku’s mouth. 

When Suzaku broke the kiss, he looked down at Lelouch with lust in his eyes. “Your turn...?”

Lelouch gasped weekly and threw his head back in anticipation, running his hands across Suzaku’s back. Suzaku was quick to attack his exposed throat, leaving bite marks and hickeys on his pale skin as he made his way down. Lelouch groaned, hips thrusting up into Suzaku as he felt his lips on his neck. Suzaku didn’t spend long lavishing attention on him - he was eager to get to the main event. He trailed kisses all the way down Lelouch’s chest, stomach and navel, all the way down to the dark hair between his legs and his hard cock. Suzaku wasted no time, taking Lelouch into his hand and giving him a few lazy strokes and a long lick before going down on him properly, wondering just how far he could push. 

Lelouch keened and pushed his hands into Suzaku’s hair, gripping as tightly as he could. “S-Su... za... ku...”

Suzaku responded by slipping his lips further down until they met the thumb and forefinger of his fist, swallowing against the discomfort in his throat. He couldn’t deepthroat yet, not properly, but he could do that much. He looked up at Lelouch as he bobbed his head back and forth, using every trick he knew to get him off. 

Lelouch writhed, trying desperately not to buck up into Suzaku’s mouth. The sight of Suzaku with his mouth wrapped around his cock sent a bolt of pleasure straight to the pressure building behind his navel. “Oh god!”

Feeling Lelouch tug on his hair, Suzaku pulled back to tongue at the sensitive spot right below the head. His free hand came up to tease other sensitive spots, massaging his balls for a moment before pushing two knuckles up into his perineum, rubbing circles into the pleasure point. 

Lelouch jumped and cried out, “Suzaku! I... I...”

Suzaku hummed around him, going back down again without letting up on his teasing. 

Lelouch screamed and tugged hard on Suzaku’s hair, “Suzaku!!!! I... I’m....”

Suzaku looked up at him again and gave a slight nod as he let go, giving Lelouch free rein to use him.

Lelouch thrust up into his mouth, he was tired but so wound up he didn’t care. He pulled Suzaku’s head down onto his cock, his orgasm imminent. 

Suzaku felt tears prick in his eyes as the intrusion, but he just swallowed around it, determined to take everything Lelouch had to give him. 

Lelouch didn’t last long, coming with a scream of Suzaku’s name, his back arching off the bed completely. Suzaku wondered vaguely if half the palace had heard him, continuing to repeatedly swallow as Lelouch filled his throat. At least he’d gotten better at that part, he thought, managing to stay firmly in place until Lelouch’s grip loosened and he all but collapsed, completely spent. 

Lelouch collapsed alongside him, pulling Suzaku up so that he could kiss him, not caring he could taste himself. Suzaku cupped Lelouch’s cheek as he returned the kiss, lazily and leisurely. Then he lay at Lelouch’s side, their legs tangled together. “I like this.” He said softly, voice mildly gravelly from the strain. “Replacing old memories with new, better ones. I want to fill these rooms with good memories like that one...” 

“Mm, that was a good memory... I can’t wait until you can fuck me into this bed...” Lelouch pillowed his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, absent-mindedly tracing patterns on Suzaku’s skin. 

“Me neither...” Suzaku smiled down at him. “Do you think you’re ready? To try doing it?”

“I know I am... I might need one more practice because it’s been a while but I’m ready for you. I want you.” He leant up to kiss Suzaku softly. “When you’re better...”

“It will be my pleasure.” Suzaku purred in response. 

“I can’t wait. I want you inside me...”

Suzaku shivered. “Oh... it’s going to feel so good...”

“I imagined it was you you know. The whole time I was practicing... I wanted to do better, for you.”

“You’ll have to show me... I want to see what you do to yourself...”

Lelouch shuddered, “When we’re back I’ll show you.” The thought of Suzaku watching him do  _ that _ sent heat rushing to his cock. 

“I look forward to it.” Suzaku said, his tone low and heavy with lust. 

Lelouch half heartedly bumped his hips into Suzaku, his cock already half hard. 

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. “Again? Already?”

Lelouch flushed and turned away, “I... it’s just the thought of you... watching...”

“Wow. That really winds you up, doesn’t it?” Suzaku flushed a little. “Maybe... maybe one day you can show me how?”

You want to... are you sure? You don’t have to just because I am...

“I’m... a bit curious.” Suzaku admitted. “It scares me, but the way you talk about it it sounds like it feels really good.”

“It is good... but not in the first place... it was hard...” he smirked, “Pun intended.”

Suzaku gave him a look. “At any rate... I can take a bit of pain, no problem.”

“It’s more uncomfortable than anything else.”

“But... it feels good eventually?”

“It does indeed... you have to know what you’re looking for though.”

“You could show me... couldn’t you?”

“Of course. If you want me too. It’s awkward at first...”

“I hope it’s good for you... when we do it the first time.”

“It will be... it’s with you.” Lelouch’s cock was calming down now, but the thought sent shivers through him.   

“Sometimes I wish I had your faith in me.” Suzaku admitted, fingers dragging lazily through his hair. 

“I have enough faith in you for the both of us.”

“I’m glad.” Suzaku kissed the top of his head. 

“This is the last bed I thought I’d ever sleep in... that... that was a bad night. I’m glad there are better memories attached to it now.”

Suzaku held him close. “I should have stayed with you that night.”

“You had your own stuff to work though. I’d never have asked that of you.”

“It was cruel to leave you alone on your last night, regardless. I just thought... maybe you didn’t want to spend it with the man who would kill you.” 

“I don’t know... It would have been nice, but I didn’t want to make it even more painful for you. It was easier to let you hate me from a distance.” He laughed quietly and buried his head in Suzaku’s shoulder, “Despite everything I was still scared... It’s silly but dying still scares me even now...”

“Even though you know it’s not permanent, and it’s happened before?”

“Yeah... it’s stupid but it hasn’t got any easier... I still feel it, the fact that I come back doesn’t change the fact that I die.”

Suzaku was quiet for a moment. “What does it feel like?”

Lelouch thought for a while, “Cold, like falling slowly... the pain fades out and you know it’s nearly over... Or it’s scary until the end, painful and overwhelming, everything telling you to fight it, but you can feel it coming. I don’t know which is worse...”

Suzaku’s grip on him tightened just a little. “I always thought it would be peaceful. Like letting go.”

“Maybe it can be, but I haven’t died like that yet.”

“Oh...” He fell into thought. He’d dreamed about dying so many times. He’d always believed it would be easy, easier than living, anyway. He’d always thought that he could take a bit of pain if it meant peace. 

“No matter how ready you think you are there is always a moment when you panic and try and live only to fail.” Lelouch shivered and pressed himself into Suzaku, who rolled onto his side so he could pull Lelouch against his chest. 

“I’ll do my best to keep you safe. To stop it happening again.”

“I don’t want you to endanger yourself to protect me. It doesn’t matter if I die, it does if you do.”

“Unlike you, I can’t die. Your command makes that impossible.”

“My command can’t stop time.”

Suzaku went still and quiet. “That’s not me endangering myself.” He said softly, sombrely. “That’s just... Life.”

Lelouch hated thinking about it, he’d go on forever- or at least until he found someone to kill him- but that would mean passing Geass on and neither of them wanted that. He’d lose Suzaku far too soon and then he’d be alone. Even if he had the next 40 years with him it would never be enough. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know.” Suzaku said quietly. For a moment, he wondered if there was anything he could do to prevent that, but... that meant he would have to live on forever, too, and... was he prepared to do that? 

“We have time.” Lelouch wasn’t sure if he was saying that to try and convince Suzaku or himself. 

“Of course we do. A good few years yet.”

Lelouch moved his head on Suzaku’s chest so he could hear his heartbeat, reassuring himself Suzaku was alive, well and with him. Suzaku stroked his hair, letting him listen. It didn’t take Lelouch long to fall asleep. He always felt safer when he was with Suzaku, and his body was exhausted to the point where he’d been awake through sheer willpower. 

Suzaku let him fall asleep, though his own sleep wouldn’t come. Not that he wanted it to; he didn’t want to wake up attacking Lelouch again. The clock ticked, an omnipresent background noise, and he tried to take solace in Lelouch's soft breathing as the dark of the night settled over the palace, casting it into silence.

He was beginning to really miss his sleeping pills. 


	18. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff! Smut! (Limited angst this time!) Sorry about the long delay in posting nobody could be bothered to edit for ages :/  
> Anyway, enjoy!!!

Lelouch didn’t sleep for too long, the withdrawal waking him up shaking and feeling horrific. He’d only been asleep for just over an hour, and he’d just escaped the worst part of his nightmare. At some point during that time Suzaku had pulled the duvet up around them, the high-quality material feeling very good on his naked skin. When Lelouch woke up, it startled him and he pulled the covers back a bit to look at him. “Lelou? Are you with me?”

“Yeah.” He was freezing and pulled the duvet tighter around him.

“You okay?”

“‘M not feeling great.”

“What’ll help?”

“I don’t know. Food, maybe? Caffeine would be best...” 

Suzaku was pleasantly surprised to hear that Lelouch wanted food. He got up, stealing one of Lelouch’s fancy dressing gowns from the back of his bedroom door and heading out to try to find some way to get food. Lelouch watched him go feeling pathetic that he couldn’t find his own food. He rolled into the warm spot left by Suzaku, already missing him. 

Suzaku was pleasantly surprised to find that, at some point during their time shut up in the bedroom, someone had come by and dropped off food for the both of them. Nothing too exciting, just some sliced bread that looked and smelled like it had been baked not too long ago, butter and some fresh fruit. Suzaku remembered the advice given - nothing too hard on the stomach, whilst he was still in recovery - but the idea of actually eating something properly made his empty stomach growl in anticipation. He brought the two plates through to the bedroom, warning Lelouch, “Lights,” before flipping the switch with his elbow and bring the food back to bed. “Someone dropped by and left us this whilst you were asleep.” He put one of the plates on the nightstand on Lelouch’s side of the bed, and then sat on his own, picking a grape and eating it. Oh, how he’d missed food. 

Lelouch sat up and reached for the pills on the side, downing one caffeine pill and one of the antipsychotics before turning to the food. He didn’t know if eating was a good idea but it couldn’t possibly make him feel worse. He took a small handful of grapes and ate a couple. 

Suzaku noted that he’d taken one of his pills, and took one of his own. His mouth felt dry, so he quickly got up and retrieved a glass of water for both of them before resuming. “I’m really glad I heal fast.” He said, inspecting a grape for any discolourations. “I really missed eating. Having a needle in your arm really doesn’t compare.”

Lelouch shrugged. He hadn’t minded it, it had made him feel less sick. He chanced a couple more grapes and when he seemed to be okay with that he grabbed a slice of bread before swatting Suzaku’s hand as he reached for his 4th. “Hey, slow down. They said take it easy.”

Suzaku looked offended. “Hey, I haven’t eaten in like... nearly three days. Besides, it’s not like I’m eating curry or sushi or anything that might irritate my stomach. It’s just bread.” 

“Eating too fast is still not going to help! You haven’t eaten in three days so you need to take it slowly or your body will reject it just as fast as you ate it.”

Suzaku groaned and put it back. “Fine. But if my stomach’s growling again in like an hour, I’m blaming you.” 

“You can eat more then. It’s slowly not nothing.”

Suzaku huffed and picked up his glass of water, sipping at it. Come to think of it, he hadn’t drunk anything either. No wonder his mouth felt so dry. “I’m just glad to see you’re eating anything at all.”

Lelouch shrugged, “I do eat, just not much.” He also took a glass of water and downed it quickly, he also hadn’t realised how thirsty he’d been. 

“We’re gonna get you eating enough to function on. If you can do that, I’ll be proud of you.”

“I’m trying to... I was better before...”

“I know you’re trying, and I really, really appreciate that. It gives me hope that we’ll make it one day.”

“One day.” He smiled at Suzaku and finished the bread. “I’m done.”

Suzaku put the rest of the food aside, and then shouldered off the dressing gown so he could snuggle back under the covers with Lelouch. “You know... I didn’t actually spend a lot of time in here.” He’d been out in the living quarters a lot, but he’d respected Lelouch’s privacy in his bedroom. “It’s really nice. This bed is so much more comfortable than the one we have at home.”

Lelouch moved so Suzaku could slide back in next to him before latching onto him. “Mm it’s definitely comfy but I never really realised... we should get a new bed at home.” He sighed in content, “Home, I like the sound of that. Our home.”

“I suppose we can afford it.” Suzaku mused. “With our money, we could afford to buy a whole new house, away from the city.” He got a faraway look in his eyes, starting to daydream. “We could just... run away together.”

“We could... get a bigger house with a gym in it and room outside to have fun...” Lelouch loved the idea but he knew they couldn’t leave, not yet anyway. There was too much to do. 

“I’d like that.” Suzaku smiled wistfully. “Maybe we should plan to do that one day.”

“When everything’s sorted and you don’t have to be Zero anymore.”

“I don’t know when that’ll be. It could be years from now.”

Lelouch sighed, “I know. I never expected running away to sound this appealing, especially now I actually have something to do.”

“Weren’t you planning on doing that with C.C. before you found me?”

“I was going alone, C.C left long before that. It wasn’t exactly something I was looking forward to.”

“It wasn’t?” Suzaku sounded surprised. “I would have thought you’d want to get away from it all.”

“Well yes but it also felt... wrong. Part of me wanted to stay just because it was nearer you and Nunnally. I came to some of the first public speeches she did, in disguise of course. Going to Australia felt so final. I wasn’t ready to let go of everything here. Also I was going alone and that was scary.”

“Well... if we did it now, you wouldn’t be alone.” Suzaku assured him, holding him close. “It would be our adventure. Together.”

“That’s why it’s appealing now.” Lelouch pushed his face into Suzaku, kissing his chest softly. The food had made him feel marginally better but he still felt shaky, weak and ill. “How did we get into this situation... we’ve fallen apart badly.”

“Well... first your father disowned you, and then I killed mine, and then I got drafted and you started a revolution, we both became the two most hated people on the planet, died and here we are. Just a brief summary.” 

Lelouch laughed, “It went well then didn’t it.”

“Could have gone better.”

“Things could always go better.”

“I guess that means they could also always go worse.”

He nodded, his hair brushing across Suzaku’s chest, “They could definitely go worse.”

Suzaku petted him absently, thinking about their future. Being away from people would also help with the scrutiny when he aged and Lelouch did not, he thought a little sombrely. “We should make the most of the fact that we have each other.”

Lelouch tightened his grip on Suzaku but didn’t reply. He hated his immortality, it meant that he’d have to watch Suzaku age slowly and eventually die. He wouldn’t leave him no matter how painful it got, he wouldn’t let him die alone. That thought on top of how terrible he felt finally caused tears to slowly roll down his face. 

“Hey.” Suzaku kissed his hair, one hand trailing over his back. “Hey, don’t cry.”

That just made Lelouch cry harder, “I’m sorry... I... don’t know why... I’m crying...”

He refused to think about anything that would potentially extend Suzaku’s life, acutely aware that wherever C.C was she still had her code. Suzaku wouldn’t want that and Lelouch wouldn’t do that to him. Suzaku did his best to comfort him, unsure of exactly what was wrong. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Lelouch took a shuddering deep breath, “Don’t worry about it... it’s not fair... to you...”

“If it’s upsetting you then it’s my problem too.” 

“Not this...” how did he explain to Suzaku that he was mourning him already. With eternity on the cards, forty to fifty years seemed suddenly all too short. 

Suzaku took his hand and kissed his knuckles. “I love you. You’re my partner, that means we support each other.”

Lelouch let out a small sob at the gesture but took his hand back and wiped his face off as best he could, trying to erase the evidence of his weakness. “I love you too.”  _ And it’s going to destroy me. _

Suzaku sighed, rubbing his back comfortingly. “I really wish I could do something to make all the demons in your head go away.”

“You help more than you know.”

“I’m glad. Do tell me if I can make it better.” 

Lelouch smiled and leaned up to kiss him. “I thought we were going to replace the sad memories in this place with happy ones.”

“We are.” Suzaku pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, ignoring the wetness of tears. 

They kissed for a while before there was a knock on the door to the suite and Lelouch pulled away. “I can’t answer the door looking like this and both of us need to put clothes on.”

Suzaku reached for the dressing gown he’d abandoned and went to answer the door. He knew what it looked like- him answering in a robe that clearly belonged to the emperor, hair mussed and flushed from kissing- but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Lelouch retreated into the bathroom, steadier on his feet now he’d eaten something. He took one look at himself and got straight into the shower. 

“Can I help you?” Suzaku asked, leaning in the doorway to welcome the visitor. 

“Suzaku, how are you doing? Can I come in?” Dr Millar stood in the hallway looking very out of place. 

“I think Lelouch is in the shower right now, but sure.” Suzaku stepped aside to let him in.

Dr Millar looked around the room, surprised at its simplicity, he’d expected more from Lelouch. “This is nice, can I sit here?” He gestured to the couch they’d been making out on earlier. 

“Go ahead.” Suzaku made himself comfortable across from him, rearranging the robe so it didn’t show off too much skin. 

He sat down, “How’s your injury?”

“Healing well, apparently.” Suzaku put a hand to his side. “I’ve always been quick to recover.”

“I’m sure that Kate would love to study that, has she asked you yet?” 

Suzaku blinked at the unfamiliar name. “No, I don’t think so.” 

Dr Millar noticed the surprise “Oh, Kate is the doctor that’s been treating you. How’ve you been? And how’s Lelouch? He never seems to answer me properly.”

“He’s a very private person.” Suzaku told him. “I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that he doesn’t really trust people with how he feels. He’s doing... about as well as you would expect, I imagine.”

He nodded and got out his notebook, “No reaction to being here then?”

Suzaku loo ked away. “Oh no. There was a reaction.”

“What do you mean?”

“It... triggered some memories. He was a bit out of it for a while.” 

“That must be hard for you to deal with. How are you coping?”

“I’m okay. Not much to say, really.”

“If it gets hard as I know dealing with loved ones suffering with... his kind of problems... can do I’m sure we can sort something out. There are places that operate under extreme secrecy where he’d be safe.”

Suzaku’s eyes widened. “No!” He growled. “You are  _ not _ taking him away from me.” 

Dr Millar raised an eyebrow at Suzaku’s defensiveness, “I’m just saying it’s an option. It would be for both of your benefit.”

“Are you kidding? He’d go insane! It would break him!”

“Why do you say that? He’d be in the hands of people who know how to deal with it.”

Suzaku pinched the bridge of his nose, taking in a deep breath. “You don’t know him like I do. He doesn’t need clinical white walls and strangers asking personal questions and to be treated like an invalid. He needs someone who knows what he’s been through, who understands and who will treat him like a human being. He needs  _ me _ . Not to mention he already thinks he’s broken beyond repair and I’m doing my absolute hardest to convince him that he’s not. How do you think he’d react if I consented to locking him away in some asylum? That really would be the last straw, and you do _ not _ want to be there when he loses control.” 

“When I lose control of what?” Lelouch ruffled his hair with a towel as he leaned against the doorway, dressed casually in some of his clothes he’d found in a drawer. They were a bit loose on him but he didn’t care, they were his. 

Suzaku started at the sound of his voice, and was surprised to see him in his old clothes. “Your emotions, I guess.” He said sharply, still horrified and angry at the doctor’s suggestion. “You’re terrifying when you’re angry.” 

He smirked and walked towards the sofa, sitting down beside Suzaku and tossing the towel over the arm. “I’m going to take that as a compliment. What did I miss?”

Suzaku put his arm around Lelouch and gave the doctor a cold, warning glare. “The doctor was just asking how you’re adjusting to being back in your old rooms, weren’t you, Doctor?” 

Dr Millar frowned at Suzaku’s avoidance but nodded. Lelouch noticed the movement and glanced at Suzaku. He’d get the full story out of him later. “It’s going alright, we’re working on replacing the bad memories with good ones.” He winked at Suzaku, feeling infinitely better after his shower and two of the caffeine pills. 

Suzaku relaxed a bit and kissed his cheek, feeling protective and wanting to display his possessiveness over Lelouch. “Yes. We are.”

Lelouch looked curiously at Suzaku, he hated PDAs... there was more going on here than he thought. 

Dr Millar cleared his throat and started again, “It’s good to see you Lelouch,” Lelouch raised an eyebrow at that, highly doubtful that it was, “I wanted to talk a bit more about the PTSD that both of you suffer from, as well as your eating habits today, if that’s okay with both of you.”

“Yeah. That’s okay with me.”

Lelouch shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about any of it, but would for Suzaku’s sake.  

“Okay then, Suzaku. Last time you mentioned some of the causes of your PTSD, would you like to go over them again for me.”

Suzaku gritted his teeth. “How grisly do we want to go? You can’t take me to court for any of this, can you?” 

Dr Millar covered his surprise well, “No, this is confidential.” 

Lelouch looked up, “This is one of those things that goes nowhere, do you understand me?” Dr Millar’s eyes glowed red for a moment, “Yes, your Highness.”

Suzaku gave Lelouch a look for a moment. He still didn’t entirely approve of the use of Geass. Still, having the reassurance helped. “Well... We may as well start with the big one. My father did not commit suicide. I killed him.”

Lelouch took Suzaku’s hand and leaned into him, playing with his fingers. Dr Millar sat up, pen at the ready, “Go on.”

Suzaku took a quiet comfort in Lelouch’s absent-minded fiddling. “He was...” He took a deep breath, looking away. “Not the best parent. I suppose when you’re the prime minister of a country at war you don’t make a lot of time for your kid. I used to sit outside his rooms and listen to him talk with the military leaders about Britannia... I heard them say there was no chance we could win. People said the Britannians would kill every single one of us if we resisted. I got scared. If Otōsan didn’t surrender then we could all die. Me, him, Tohdoh, Kaguya, Lelouch and Nunnally. Everyone even slightly associated with us. So one day...” His breath caught, and he closed his eyes, rubbing his temple. “I went to try and change his mind. He wouldn’t listen. He just kept shouting at me, telling me it wasn’t my concern, that Japan would fight. He hit me, and in my desperation I fought back. I grabbed the knife and-” He cut himself off. “Tohdoh found me. I had just watched him die by my own hand and I was just a scared kid... he covered it up for me. No one ever knew, and I never faced any consequences for it. Just the guilt.” 

“How did you deal with that guilt?”

“I used it to motivate myself to make a difference. It was my fault Britannia occupied Japan. I had to redeem myself.”

He made a note, “Did you regret what you did?”

“In a way.”

“What do you mean?”

Suzaku shifted a little. “I had nightmares. I had to deal with the fact that I was a murderer when I was too young. I regretted ruining my life like that, and in a way I regretted letting the invasion happen. I saw my people being abused and subjugated all around me- myself included- and my only solace was that it’s better to be second class citizens than to be slaughtered to extinction.” 

“Do you think that could be part of it? You feel guilty because you feel you don’t regret it enough?”

“Possibly. I know I’m a bad person. Being able to take a life is never something you should be proud of.”

“Why do you say you’re a bad person?”

“You want the comprehensive list?”

“It might help you to say. You can’t change the way you think unless you acknowledge it.”

Suzaku sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’m not sure saying it out loud is gonna change my mind. If anything it’ll just convince you that it’s true, but okay. I’ve taken many, many lives, some of which I regret or feel bad about, some of which I don’t. I betrayed my people: first by taking away their chance to fight; then by fighting in the military of the people who were subjugating them; I refused to stop terrorists because of my own personal feelings towards the people involved; I sold out my best friend to the Emperor for a promotion; I took a contract to assassinate Charles and I assisted in the subjugation of rebellions all over the world. Hell, I single handedly dismantled some of them. Do you want me to go on?” 

Dr Millar shook his head and wrote something down. “Thank you, I know that was hard. Did you have a reason to do each of those things?”

“Of course I did.” Suzaku frowned a little. “I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t. Unfortunately, a lot of those reasons were... stupid, or selfish, when I look back at them.”

“Regardless of the reasons, you had them. That gives everything you’ve done for a purpose. What would you change then, if you could? Would you change anything?”

Lelouch leaned forward at that question, looking at Suzaku, he was interested to hear this answer.

Suzaku frowned, thinking about it. “I... I don’t know. So many things I did were so important that I couldn’t predict what would have happened if I hadn’t. I don’t know because I don’t know if that would make things better or worse.” 

“If you wouldn’t change it then why do you regret it?”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t... I said I don’t know. It might make things better. For all I know, I could have saved all of this hurt. Maybe Japan would never have been colonised, maybe I could have saved thousands of innocent lives, maybe I would never have hurt Lelouch.” 

“Ah, Lelouch. Could what you did to Lelouch be a large part of why you feel like you are a bad person?”

Suzaku glanced down at Lelouch. “That’s a bit of a harsh question, don’t you think?”

Lelouch shrugged, ignoring Suzaku’s remark. “Is it?”

“I mean... Yes. It is. But not doing anything would have been bad too.”

“How did it make you feel, though? Regardless of how necessary you think it was, it still had an emotional impact.”

“I didn’t let my emotions get in the way.” 

Lelouch elbowed him, “You have feelings about it though. You know you do. Even if you don’t let them stop you.”

Suzaku’s grip on him tightened. “I don’t think either of us need to know what was going through my head that day.” 

Lelouch pulled away as much as Suzaku would let him, “Why? I want to know why you did it.”

“I did it for a number of reasons. Because I couldn’t let you continue doing what you were doing, because it was a chance for me to make the hardest jump in my career, and because I was too much of a coward to take care of you myself.” 

Lelouch tensed but didn’t move away and slowly nodded. “I understand.”

Suzaku’s emotions were firmly back in the box, his voice steady as he discussed it, the way it always was when thinking about this topic. “It’s in the past. It won’t happen again. My loyalty belongs to you.”

“I know, I trust you.” Lelouch let Suzaku pull him back, leaning on him. 

“Thank you.” Suzaku held him close, the only betrayal of his emotions how tight his hold on Lelouch was. 

“Okay, Suzaku. You can take a break now. Thank you for sharing what you did. It’s important to talk about these things.” Dr Millar smiled at him before looking at Lelouch. “Are you alright to talk about you now, Lelouch?” 

Lelouch sat up straighter, “Yes.”

Suzaku’s grip relaxed, and he gave the doctor another look- a quiet warning not to bring up what he’d said earlier. To his credit, Dr Millar didn’t react.

“To change the subject slightly, you mentioned the other day that you thought you had an eating disorder.”

Lelouch tensed immediately; he hated talking about his eating. His voice was clipped when he spoke. “Yes.”

Suzaku poked him, “At any rate, you don’t eat enough.”

Lelouch glared at him, “I know.”

“I’m just saying.”

Dr Millar looked at both of them before clearing his throat, “When did you first notice it, Suzaku?”

“I guess... I first started to notice when we started regularly sharing meals. Around our first date.”

Lelouch glanced at him, shocked. He was sure he’d hid it for longer than that. “Even back then?”

“That’s when I started noticing that you weren’t eating a lot. It took longer for me to realise it was an actual problem.” 

Lelouch nodded slowly before turning back to Dr Millar.

“I suppose the most important question is why don’t you eat?” The doctor asked, looking down at his notes. 

Lelouch went back to fiddling with Suzaku’s hand, “I... It just seemed like the easiest thing to control in my life.”

“Your eating?” The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Then why restrict it? Why not control it by choosing what to eat, or when, instead of cutting it out?”

“Yeah... It started like that. I wouldn’t have anything sweet or any bread or something and then it got slowly worse. Controlling one thing didn’t cut it anymore. So I’d choose when I’d eat and how much instead, people were less suspicious that way as well. It also helped me to control what I looked like as well although that was a secondary thing.” He fixed his gaze on the floor, not looking at anyone. 

“Are you at all worried about how you look?” 

“No more than anyone else I suppose... I’ve always wanted to look good and I’ve always been skinny.” He shrugged, “I know I’m too thin now though. I’m not an idiot.”

“What’s to stop you from taking control of that and getting yourself back up to a healthy weight?” 

“I just... can’t... I can’t eat much at all anymore because I feel sick when I do. It would also mean losing control... I can’t control how much weight I put on from what I eat.”

“I would argue that you can, if you’re careful enough.” The doctor pointed out calmly. “Have you tried food substitutes? Protein shakes, that kind of thing?” 

“When I was still at school yes... since then no not really. I didn’t have the time to make it or get someone else to do it for me. I would have looked weak... I always had to appear strong or people would doubt me and I wouldn’t be able to pull off anything.” His voice lowered to a whisper, “I ate enough...”

Suzaku sat up straight at that. “At  _ school _ ? This has been going on that long? I thought it was just a recent thing!” 

Lelouch flinched, “It’s been going on for longer than you’ve known me, it just got really bad recently.”

“Lelou... I’ve known you since we were little kids.”

He looked away, ashamed. “I know.”

Suzaku was speechless, and the doctor wrote that down. 

“So you’ve had these impulses to control what you ate since early childhood?”

“Yes... it’s just been something I’ve always done. I didn’t realise other people didn’t until I met Suzaku. Certainly everyone in the palace was always watching what they were eating.”

“So... you believe it is a habit picked up from palace life?” 

“That’s probably how it started.”

“When would you say it started having a severe negative impact on your life?”

“In terms of what? Hiding it from people? Or it actually causing physical problems?”

“Why don’t you tell me both?”

Lelouch went very still. He’d never told anyone about this. It had been his secret for so long. “I had to hide it from people for the first time when I went to Ashford and it became a way to cope with everything after the war. I only ate at home though and everyone thought I was a diva anyway so nobody questioned it. Nunnally was blind and young so she couldn’t exactly tell. When I started hanging around with the school council it became obvious that I never ate and I had to start changing things and lying. I suppose that’s when it became negative... that’s also when sports became compulsory and I was terrible at it... I had no energy for that so I would just skip.” He’d let go of Suzaku’s hand in favour of clenching his into fists in his lap. Suzaku rested his hand on Lelouch’s wrist in silent encouragement. 

“You say you had no energy. Would you have other symptoms? Lightheadedness, nausea, that kind of thing?”

“Yeah, that’s when I started to pull it back for the first time. I’d gone too far. That’s also when I started drinking coffee to give me the energy to do things. It worked.” He shrugged, “It got really bad after I ‘died’ though.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“I didn’t have anything else to do and the nightmares always made me feel horrific when I woke up. There is only so many times you can throw up before you realise that you can’t if you don’t eat anything.” Lelouch’s voice was completely even. The mask had come down. 

“I see.” The doctor tapped his pen on the paper, thinking. Lelouch’s case was not an easy one. “I’m afraid our options here are somewhat limited. We could try cognitive behavioural therapy to improve your mindset surrounding eating, and you’re going to have to build up your eating habits slowly to avoid triggering nausea.”

That was nothing Lelouch didn’t already know. “I’m trying. I’ll get there somehow.”

“Do you want to try CBT?”

“If you think it’ll help.”

“It might do. Only one way to find out.” 

“Then I’ll do it. I’ll try.”  _ For Suzaku _ .

The doctor nodded and wrote that down. “Excellent. That will be one appointment a week for... let’s start with six weeks. Would you like to continue joint sessions?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

Lelouch nodded, trying not to shrink into Suzaku. “Sounds like a good idea.”

“Thank you. Now...” He took a quick, nervous glance at Suzaku and seemed to come to a decision. “I think that’ll be all for today, unless there’s anything else you want to discuss.”

“No, I think we’re good.” 

Lelouch stood up and retreated to the bedroom before Dr Millar even stood up. With Lelouch gone the doctor turned worried eyes on Suzaku, “Think about what I said. It might be a good idea.” 

“It’s not happening.” Suzaku was vehement about it. No one would take Lelouch away from him.

“Up to you.” Dr Millar shrugged and left.

Suzaku couldn’t help feeling a little hostile towards him after that, and went after Lelouch. “Hey, you alright?”

Lelouch was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. “I don’t know how this is supposed to help. I just feel worse every time. I didn’t realise I was so bad, Suzaku. I’m sorry.”

Suzaku went over and sat by him. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t be ashamed of it.”

Lelouch leaned into him, “What were you actually talking about before I got there? I know it wasn’t nothing.”

Suzaku grimaced. “You don’t want to know.”

Lelouch looked at him askance, “Okay now I’m really curious.”

“Okay, before I tell you I want you to bear in mind that I was one degree of formality away from telling him to fuck off.”

“That bad?! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Suzaku rested his head back on the headboard. “He... implied that I wouldn’t be able to handle you. That it was a job better off given to... professionals.” 

Lelouch froze, “He wanted to...  _ what _ ?!” 

“I was very firm that it was not an option.” 

“I don’t want to... no I won’t... Suzaku I’m not that crazy am I?”’

“No! You’re not! And you’re staying here with me if I have to fight them off with my own hands.” 

Lelouch forced a laugh, “I’d like to see them try... They can’t make me... can they?”

Suzaku all but growled. “They can try. They’ll have to get through me.” 

Lelouch was quiet for a long time, “If... if I get too much don’t... suffer me... just... send me away.” His last words came out in a rush, thoughts swirling around his mind. He didn’t want to tie Suzaku down if he felt like he was a lost cause. The World of C was louder when he was agitated and it only made him feel more insane. 

Suzaku pulled Lelouch none too gently against his chest, hugging him tightly. “No.” He said firmly. 

Lelouch held onto Suzaku like his life depended on it. “I’m trying...”

“I know. I will never, never send you away. I swear it.” Suzaku held Lelouch close, curling around him protectively. “You’re staying with me forever.”

Lelouch was teetering on the edge of a panic attack, trying desperately to push it away. He pressed as much of himself into Suzaku as he could, trying to keep his breathing even.  

“And one day, one day we’ll move away. It’ll just be you and me, free to do whatever we want. Go wherever we want.” Suzaku breathed, Lelouch’s desperate clutching at the collar of his robe only making him feel more protective. 

“I want that.” Lelouch’s heart was pounding and he felt his breathing speed up. “Suzaku... help... it’s happening... again...” 

“It’s okay. I’m right here. I’ll hold you through it, like I always do. I love you, Lelou. With all my heart.” 

Lelouch felt the panic rising, the thought of being kept away from everything, poked and prodded... he was sure he’d break and go completely mad. Despite knowing the panic attack was coming he couldn’t stop it. He started hyperventilating and his chest grew tight, making breathing hard. “S-Su... za... ku... can’t...”

“Shhh. Breathe with me. Relax. I’m right here.” Suzaku tried to assist him through slow, controlled breaths, cupping his cheek and making him look him in the eye. 

Lelouch tried his best to match Suzaku’s breathing, eventually managing to slow his. When the panic attack was over he was left drained and shaking, feeling absolutely pathetic. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Suzaku kissed him gently, stroking his cheek. “I told you, I’ll always be here to help.”

Lelouch kissed him back before breaking off, “I don’t want you to always have to help me. I should be better than this. You’ve been through just as much shit and you don’t break down all the time.” He strikes down Suzaku’s chest, resting his hand over his heart. “You’re so much stronger.”

“Just because I don’t have panic attacks or moments where I get lost in my own head that often doesn’t mean I’m not struggling in my own way, and you do help with that. You help so much.”

“But I don’t do anything?”

“It doesn’t have to be big gestures or anything. It’s just in the way you talk to me, and the way you treat me. And... you have talked me through my fair share of breakdowns.” 

Lelouch huffed, “You haven’t had one in a while, I’m proud of you.”

“I had one yesterday.” He deadpanned. 

“Yeah but a small one. You didn’t relapse or anything.”

“That’s been difficult here, where I’ve had no access to alcohol of any kind.” 

Lelouch nudged him, “You’ve been sober for over a week now... that’s really impressive.”

“Ugh, you don’t know how much I’ve wanted to give in.” He grimaced. “Especially when I’m trying to sleep.”

“It was never going to be easy.” Lelouch reminded him. 

“I know.” He sighed. “If I’m honest, it’s probably been a good thing that I’ve had no access to it over the past few days.”

“I threw it all away after the last time anyway. Unless there’s more hidden.”

“How thorough of a search did you do?”

Lelouch gave him a look, “Where did you hide it?”

“I don’t know... I’ve got them in the backs of cupboards and drawers. Under the bed.” He didn’t mention that he’d had one particular bottle of whiskey wrapped up and tucked away with the sword, sure that Lelouch wouldn’t to go anywhere near the weapon. He supposed that since Lelouch had been in a hurry when he’d looked for it, he hadn’t found the drink too. 

“Under the bed? Classy, Suzaku. Really classy.” 

“Look, I wasn’t looking for good places. Just convenient ones.”

“I’ll have another look when we go home.” He didn’t mention that the last time he’d looked when Suzaku was out he’d fainted while trying to look under the bed. 

Suzaku sighed. “Alright. Fine.”

Lelouch stroked down the side of Suzaku’s face, “I’m trying to help.”

“I know. And I feel bad for being resentful about it.”

“It’s an addiction. You’ve seen how I get when I don’t get caffeine.” He nodded quietly, and Lelouch sighed. “What time is it? That meeting seemed to go on forever.”

Suzaku glanced around for a clock, spotting one on the far wall. “11am. I don’t know about you, but my sense of time is all over the place. Brief naps, no mealtimes and random visits have kind of messed with my schedule.”

Lelouch flopped backwards. “It’s still the morning?! What the hell? I’m too tired for this. Bring back doing nothing.”

“To be fair, you didn’t sleep long. We’ve probably been up since the middle of the night. I know it was still dark out.” He gestured at the thick curtains, which kept out most of the sunlight but not all of it, little shafts of light invading around the edges.

“I never do.” He rolled over to face Suzaku, “When is it too soon to sleep again and do I have to do anything else today?”

“You can sleep any time you want, and I honestly don’t know.  People just sort of keep showing up.”

“We should probably try and get back into a regular sleep schedule... we’re going home in two days. Oh, and what happened to the food that they dropped off earlier?”

“There’s still some there if we want it. I’m probably going to soon.” 

“Mmph, okay then. I’ll eat when you do.” He grabbed at Suzaku, “Come here.” Suzaku chuckled and leaned down to kiss him. Lelouch kissed him back, running his hands through Suzaku’s hair and pulling him down onto him. “Did they say when you can shower again? I can wash your hair for you if they don’t want you to.” 

“Oh, yeah that’s a point.” Suzaku ran his fingers through his hair and grimaced. “I could use a shower, huh? I don’t know... I’m still wearing bandages and I don’t think they’re the waterproof kind.”

“Yeah, I don’t think they are either...” He noted Suzaku’s grimace and kissed him again. “Don’t worry about it, I only noticed because I showered. I looked awful! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You didn’t look that bad. And you had other stuff to worry about.”

“You, mostly.”

“And, you know, your own medical and psychological issues.”

“Shh, this is about you.”

“I mean, you’re still welcome to wash my hair if you think you can get me under the shower without ruining my bandages.” 

Lelouch smiled, “Maybe we’ll try later.” He patted the bed, “Sleep now.”

Suzaku almost protested, but gave up and lay down. He was definitely tired; he could feel the exhaustion tugging at the edges of his thoughts. Whether or not he would actually be able to sleep was another issue entirely. That, and he was worried he might freak out and hurt Lelouch again. 

“Stop worrying. Sleep.”

“I’ll try.” Suzaku grumbled, slipping off the robe and letting it fall to the floor before wrapping himself in duvet. Lelouch pulled off his jacket before joining Suzaku under the covers. Suzaku tried cuddling with him, but made a disgruntled sound. “Take your clothes off. This is weird. Either we should both be naked or neither of us should be.”

Lelouch huffed. He was comfortable exactly where he was, but he got up anyway, pleased when he didn’t seem to have too much trouble staying upright. He stripped quickly before getting back in and cuddling up to Suzaku.  

“Much better.” Suzaku said, holding him close and closing his eyes. “Here’s to sleeping for more than an hour.” Lelouch chuckled softly and closed his eyes, letting the strong beat of Suzaku’s heart lull him to sleep. Suzaku was able to drift after a while of lying with his eyes shut. He distracted himself by daydreaming about the possibilities of their hypothetical house in the country, and somewhere along the line those daydreams fell into an uneasy sleep. 

Lelouch didn’t sleep well for long. He relived his last night in his bed in the palace, but instead of Zero Requiem he dreamt of being taken away, kept alone and blindfolded so he couldn’t Geass anyone, pumped full of drugs to keep him docile.

Suzaku would remain still and quiet, snoring lightly until Lelouch started shifting in his arms, which was enough to stir him. “...Lelou?” He asked groggily, his brain still slow and half asleep. 

Lelouch shot up panting, eyes wide open. “Oh... it’s not...” he collapsed back again, retreating into Suzaku’s embrace. “I’m sorry... did I wake you?” Suzaku just hummed under his breath and hugged Lelouch, closing his eyes again. Lelouch couldn’t fall asleep again after that; he just held Suzaku, running a hand through his hair. The motion was comforting for Suzaku, who was tired enough that sheer exhaustion pulled him under for a while. 

They stayed like that until Suzaku started to struggle against the sheets, pushing Lelouch away. The nightmares were back, and in his head he was chasing after Lelouch, kicking and screaming as he was dragged away. He was being restrained, held apart and unable to help as they were pulled apart-

He woke in a cold sweat, breathing hard as he fought against the tangled duvet, panicky and confused. Lelouch learned from the previous time and didn’t try and shake him or get close, he just reached out and ran his hand through Suzaku’s hair, helping him to move the sheets. “Hey, come back to me.”

Suzaku swallowed around a dry mouth, panting hard. Once he felt free, it was easier to breathe, and he looked up at Lelouch. He took a deep breath and collapsed, pressing his palm to his forehead. 

“You okay?” Lelouch deemed it safe to come closer again and took Suzaku’s hand. “Talk to me.”

“‘M okay.” Suzaku murmured, holding onto Lelouch’s hand tightly. “Bad dream.” 

“You want to talk about it?”

“They tried to take you away from me. I couldn’t do anything about it.” He frowned. Already, the details were fading from memory. All that stuck with him was the feeling of blind helplessness. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled Suzaku into him, holding him close.

Suzaku clutched at him tightly, taking comfort in his presence. He took several more deep breaths, his heart rate slowly decreasing and returning to normal as the panic left his system. “The sooner I can get back on my sleeping pills the better.” He grumbled into Lelouch’s chest. He didn’t feel well rested at all. 

“We’re moderating those now, remember?” He nudged him slightly, “But of course you can. I might try them too...” 

“They’re the only way I can get any decent rest, Lelou. I haven’t slept properly the entire time I’ve been here and I’m exhausted.”

“I know.” He traced the lines of the muscles in Suzaku’s arm, “We’ll get there.”

Suzaku sighed deeply. “Is it lunchtime yet?”

“It’s 1pm, so I suppose so.”

“Good. I’m hungry.” Suzaku gently disengaged himself from Lelouch and reached for the robe again. He touched the bandages lightly. “Someone’ll be coming to change these soon. Maybe I can even get them taken off, if I’m healing as well as they say.” 

Lelouch flopped back, pulling the sheet up to cover himself, “You and your freakish healing.”

“Apparently the doctor wants to run tests. I don’t know what kind of tests, but I am kind of curious to see why I’m like this.”

Lelouch shrugged, “If you want to be a guinea pig I’m not going to stop you. I’m not letting them test anything on me.”

“You don’t have freaky super healing.” Suzaku pointed out, and then went out to go looking for the rest of the food.

“Arguably I do.” Lelouch called after him before curling up and closing his eyes, waiting for Suzaku to return. 

Suzaku found that it had been taken away and replaced with fresh stuff, much to his surprise. He kept forgetting that they were in a palace, and a palace meant staff. There was probably a maid dipping in and out whilst they were trying to get some sleep. He came back with food for both of them, biting into a fresh apple. “Someone’s keeping an eye out for us.”

Lelouch sat up and took one of the plates from Suzaku. “Bread and fruit again, do they think we’re incapable of eating?”

“You have an ED and I have a gut wound, so yes.” Suzaku said dryly, sitting back down beside him. 

Lelouch laughed, “It sounds so much more simple when you say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Conveniently summarised.” Lelouch took a piece of bread and ate it slowly in tiny bites. He was feeling surprisingly okay but didn’t really want to eat. He’d already eaten enough to last him all day in his opinion, but he’d promised to try for Suzaku. He’d become a lot worse than he’d realised. 

“I guess I’m good at that.” Suzaku shrugged. He did notice that Lelouch was eating, and was very proud of him for that fact. 

They ate in silence, Lelouch gave up after one bit of bread and two grapes. He regretted taking two caffeine pills earlier because he was going to feel really terrible in not too long. Suzaku ate a lot more, as he always did, but didn’t overdo it. Putting their plates aside, he put an arm around Lelouch’s shoulders. “You good?”

“Okay for now.”

“That’s good.” He kissed Lelouch’s cheek gently. “I feel like I really want to get back on my feet. I’m dying to go for a run, I don’t suppose they’d let me, would they?”

Lelouch just looked at him, “Really? You think they’re going to let you run with a gut wound? They only let you move today!”

Suzaku made a face. “You’re probably right. But I’m starting to go stir crazy here.”

“They said we could leave tomorrow.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Lelouch looked at him out the corner of his eye and smirked, “Me too.”

Suzaku caught his look and laughed. “Something tells me you have something else on your mind.”

“What gave it away?”

“Just the devilish look in your eye.” He teased. 

Lelouch gasped dramatically and placed his hand on his chest, “Me? Devilish?! Who’d have thought?”

Suzaku snickered. “Shut up. We both know you can be a filthy monster sometimes.”

Lelouch laughed, “Only sometimes?! You love it, don’t lie.”

“You know I take full advantage of that fact.”

“I can’t wait until you’re better.” He looked at Suzaku, lust obvious in his expression. 

“Me neither.” Suzaku purred, leaning in to nip at the side of his throat. “I want you. Properly.”

Lelouch groaned and threw his head back, tangling his fingers in Suzaku’s hair, “Did you lock the door?”

“No, but I can.”

“Probably a good idea if we’re going to...” he flushed,  “We don’t want people walking in... especially Nunnally. Oh, do you want to wait until they change your bandage?”

Suzaku groaned and pulled back. “Curse you and your sound logic.”

Lelouch laughed and pushed Suzaku gently, “I know how you are with PDA and I don’t think you’d want people seeing that.”

“Oh God.” Suzaku flushed deeply, images of someone walking in whilst he had Lelouch’s dick in his mouth invading his thoughts. “Definitely not.” 

“I thought so. Why don’t we try and get you cleaner?” He sat up, rolling Suzaku off him and fetched the other robe on the back of the door. As he fastened it there was a knock, and the doctor called out, “Can I come in?” 

Lelouch laughed at Suzaku’s flush as he remembered what happened the last time she’d just walked in. “Just a moment.”

Suzaku scrambled for some underwear at the very least to put on under the robe, and then emerged, trying not to look too disheveled. Lelouch let the doctor into the sitting room where he lay across the sofa looking every bit the prince he was. “She’s here to change your bandages and wants to talk to both of us about something.”

Suzaku perched on the arm of the sofa by Lelouch’s head, crossing his legs. “What sort of something?”

“If you are set on going home tomorrow we need to talk about continuing care for your wound and both of your mental health.”

“Okay.” Suzaku nodded, playing with Lelouch’s hair. 

“Dr Millar mentioned ongoing joint CBT sessions for both of you every week, would you like to have them here, at an office or wherever you live - I assume you live together?”

“We do, yes.” He looked down at Lelouch. “What do you think? Having them at home would save us some trouble, but... it’s kind of our space. And I feel like visiting an office would be risky.” 

“Here is fine, we can combine them with seeing Nunnally and Zero stuff.” Lelouch waved a hand lazily at her. “Next.”

The doctor looked at Lelouch, fondly exasperated, “Suzaku I will show you and Lelouch how to change your bandages and give you plenty of supplies. You will need to keep the wound clean and change the bandage at least once a day. No strenuous activity for another two weeks but you can start to move around and do light exercise next week once your stitches are out. No lifting.” She looked at Suzaku pointedly. 

Suzaku looked unimpressed. “Define ‘light’ exercise.” 

“No running or weights but you can start going for longer walks or depending on how you’re healing a slow jog might be okay. Definitely no crunches or sit-ups for at least a month.”

He groaned. “How am I gonna stay in shape?” 

She looked at the two of them in various states of undress, “I’m sure you’ll find a way. You might lose some of your condition but I’m sure you’ll get it back quickly.” 

“I’d better.” Suzaku growled. “I have an image to uphold.” 

Lelouch chuckled, “You’ll be plenty imposing with a few less abs.”

Suzaku pressed a hand to his stomach protectively. “I like my body the way it is, thanks.”

“Maybe with less holes.” Lelouch poked him. 

“We’re getting there.” Suzaku assured him. “Anyway... about the bandages. How long do I have to wear them? And will I have to come back to get the stitches out at some point?”

“You can come back next week to take the stitches out. I can take the ones in your arm out today. I’ll have a look at the wound today and let you know how long. Probably another few weeks until it’s closed completely.” 

Lelouch spoke up from where he was lounging, looking bored, “And when can he have sex?”

Suzaku flushed deeply and looked down at Lelouch, mortified. “Lelou!”

The doctor laughed, “It depends how well it heals but towards the end of next week if it continues the way it has been. Nothing that... strenuous though.” Lelouch nodded, making a mental note. 

“Your definition of strenuous is different to mine.”

“We’re going by my version of strenuous here.” She gave him a stern look, “I don’t want you back here because you’ve overdone it. Now in terms of care, be careful about showering, of course you can shower but try and keep it as dry as possible and soap out of it for at least another couple of weeks.”

“Alright. I’ll do my best.”

She smiled, “I’m sure Lelouch will help you.” It was  Lelouch’s turn to flush and turn away. “Okay Suzaku stand up, Lelouch pay attention.” Lelouch watched her as she unwound the bandages from Suzaku’s torso before checking on the wound. “You could probably get the stitches out in the next couple of days actually.” 

“You think so?” Suzaku looked down at the injury. It was looking relatively neat and well-healed.

“Yes,” she pulled on a pair of gloves and pressed gently around the wound, “How does it feel?”

“Sore.” Suzaku said as she poked at him. “But only when touched.”

“No pulling at all when you move?”

“A little bit. Not much.”

“Good. Are you going to be here for the trial? We can take the stitches out then.”

“Yes. I will be.”

“Okay then. Come see me when it’s over and I’ll take them out then.” She rewrapped the bandages, making sure Lelouch knew exactly how to do it. “Right that’s all I think. You should be able to shower today if you are careful. I’ll sort out your transport back tomorrow.”

“Thanks.” Suzaku smiled gratefully. 

“I’ll leave you in peace now. I’ll come back tomorrow and Lelouch can change the bandage so I can make sure he does it right.” She nodded at the two of them, and left quietly. She was warming to them now, surprised to find out that despite everything they were still teenagers at heart. 

Suzaku grinned down at Lelouch, messing with his hair. “Hear that? We’re going home tomorrow.”

Lelouch swatted Suzaku’s hand away and fixed his hair. “I can’t wait.”

Suzaku pulled the robe back over his shoulders. “I suppose I ought to get properly dressed at some point, hadn’t I?”

“What’s the point? She just said we could shower.”

“Yeah... how am I gonna do that without getting my bandages too wet?”

“There’s a bath.” He shrugged, “You just need to put your head over the side and I could wash your hair, I used to do it all the time for Nunnally.”

“You’d be happy to do that for me?” Suzaku asked, running his fingers through his hair. 

“Of course.” Lelouch didn’t see what the big deal was. 

“Thank you...” Suzaku blushed a bit. “Right now?” 

“If you want.” Lelouch pulled the robe around him and got up from the sofa. 

Suzaku followed, fiddling with the sash on the gown. “Do you want me to do it for you too?”

Lelouch looked surprised, “You want to?”

“Yeah. You have really nice hair. I’d consider it an honour.” He went over to Lelouch and kissed his cheek. 

Lelouch turned his head to kiss Suzaku properly, “In that case I’d love you to.”

Suzaku opened the door to the bathroom and looked around, whistling softly. “You really had all the bells and whistles, didn’t you?” 

“Well I was the Emperor.” He teased as he walked past Suzaku, shedding his robe as he went. 

Suzaku went up behind him and kissed his bare shoulder, hands on his hips. “Nothing but the best for Lelouch vi Britannia.”

Lelouch leaned back into him, “Of course not. Why settle for less if you can have more.”

“Mm... I’m sorry, my humble apartment must not live up to much.” He smiled against Lelouch’s skin. “We should take advantage of the luxury whilst we can.” 

“Oh no,  _ our _ apartment is great...” Lelouch gasped at the feeling of Suzaku pressed against him from behind. 

“It’s great because it’s ours. Space for just the two of us.” He trailed light fingers over the sharp ridge of Lelouch’s hipbone. 

“Mm.” Lelouch tried to think past the feeling of Suzaku’s hands on his skin. “Just... ours...”

It would have been so easy to get carried away, but reluctantly, Suzaku stopped teasing. “Your turn first? Or mine?”

Lelouch couldn’t help the pang of disappointment as Suzaku moved away, “You first. Sit here.” He motioned to the side of the bath where Suzaku could sit on one of the towels on the floor and tip his head back over the bath itself. Lelouch climbed into the bath, grabbing the side to avoid slipping over. 

Suzaku sat cross-legged in the spot pointed out for him, back to the edge of the bath. “Like this?”

Lelouch turned to face him, holding the detachable shower head, “Exactly like that.” There was a shower in the room but Lelouch found it useful to have an attachment in the bath as well, precisely for situations like this. He turned on the water, not caring if he got wet and made sure it was warm before placing a hand on Suzaku’s forehead and wetting his hair. “Is this Okay? Comfortable?”

“Mm... yeah.” Suzaku closed his eyes and leaned back, enjoying the feel. 

Once Suzaku’s hair was thoroughly wet, Lelouch took the shampoo from the side and rubbed it in. He remembered how Nunnally had liked him to almost give her a head massage when he did this and he tried that on Suzaku now. Suzaku made a content sound- Lelouch was good with his hands. Doing this felt intimate to him, in a way that was different to physical intimacy. It felt really good. 

Lelouch rinsed out his hair carefully making sure to keep the soap out of Suzaku’s eyes. He massaged in the conditioner carefully. It was his and he knew how soft it made his hair and wondered if it would make Suzaku’s hair the same level of softness. One that was rinsed out too he kissed the top of Suzaku’s head. “All done.”

Suzaku gave a little reluctant sigh and opened his eyes. “That feels good.”

“I’m glad you liked it.” He reached over to grab the towel he’d left on the side and started drying Suzaku’s hair. “Did the bandages get wet at all?”

“I don’t think so.” Suzaku sat up, letting Lelouch do his thing. 

Lelouch ruffled the hair on the top of his head before skilfully wrapping it in a turban. The action was automatic and the lack of long hair didn’t change the effectiveness of the manoeuvre.

Suzaku reached up to touch it in mild amazement. “Why am I not surprised that you can do that?”

Lelouch flushed, suddenly flustered about his automatic response. “Uh... I don’t know?”

“I never could figure that out.”

“Well I looked it up on YouTube and practiced on myself until I could do it easily.” Lelouch stood up and nearly fell over. The combination of slippery bath and sudden head-rush nearly felled him.  

Suzaku caught him, holding him upright. “Woah, there. You okay?”

Lelouch grabbed Suzaku and steadied himself. “Yeah... it’s just slippery.”

“Alright, out. My turn.” 

Lelouch couldn’t understand why Suzaku wanted to do it for him but got out of the bath anyway and wrapped himself in a towel. Suzaku shed his robe and started, his touches light and gentle as he ran warm water over Lelouch’s hair. Lelouch shivered and leaned into the touch. He’d washed his hair earlier but he was just now realising that it wasn’t about getting his hair clean so much as it was about the connection. 

Suzaku added soap to his hand and worked it in, deliberately taking his time to make it feel good. Lelouch moaned slightly and felt himself relax, going boneless against the side of the bath. He hadn’t realised how good it would feel. Suzaku smiled at Lelouch’s reaction. “Feels good, doesn’t it?” He asked, lathering it up. 

“Mm really good.” He pushed his head bad into Suzaku’s hands. 

Suzaku chuckled, taking more time than he needed to work the soap in, just to make Lelouch feel good. Lelouch’s eyes fluttered shut. “Mm Suzaku...”

Eventually, he had to give in and rinse the soap out, working conditioner through in its place. Lelouch loved the feeling of Suzaku’s hands running through his hair. Having Suzaku do something so simple - something he could easily do himself - felt special. Suzaku took his sweet time working it through and rinsing it out. Eventually, though, he had to stop. He patted Lelouch on the shoulder, and reached for a towel. 

Lelouch let him dry his hair, half asleep. When Suzaku went to tie the turban Lelouch reached up to take it from him, “Let me.”

Suzaku grumbled, but let him. He didn’t know what he was doing anyway. “Let me comb your hair later.”

Lelouch smiled and turned to kiss Suzaku’s hand. “I’d love you to.”

Suzaku flushed a little, and smiled. “You... don’t know how much this means to me, do you?”

“Not really. But I like it.”

“It’s intimate. Not in the same way as sex. It’s... it shows love. Dedication.” 

Lelouch was thoughtful for a while, “I never thought of it that way before.”

Suzaku stood up and stepped out, putting an arm around Lelouch. “Little domestic things like that... they make all the difference.”

Lelouch let Suzaku hold him for a moment before moving back and drying himself off properly. “Your bandages are still dry. Good.” He liked being domestic with Suzaku but it was still new and he didn’t know how to respond to it all the time. 

“Yeah. I’m gonna have to shower properly at some point, but I don’t think I smell too bad just yet.” He chuckled. 

“You’re okay. I’ll let you know when you start to smell.” Lelouch teased, grabbing his robe and pulling it on. He had two - mainly because when he got them he couldn’t decide which one he liked more so bought them both. He’d also had the vain hope that he might not always be the only one using his room. That hope had now been realised as Suzaku pulled the other on and left the bathroom, a sliver of tan chest visible beneath it. Lelouch couldn’t help the sudden rush of desire every time he saw Suzaku wear it. He followed him slowly, “You know I was never really interested in sex or anything like that until I met you. Now it’s never far from my thoughts.” He threw himself onto the bed, trying not to give away his discomfort as his stomach rebelled at the sudden move. It was moments like that which reminded him that he was not the same person he’d been the last time he was in here. He was more damaged now. 

“You met me as a child.” Suzaku pointed out with a little laugh. “Are you telling me that every single one of your dirty teenage fantasies was about me?”

Lelouch flushed and threw a pillow at him, “You know what I mean!”

Suzaku caught it and grinned at him. “I like hearing it.”

“Hearing what exactly?”  _ How bad I am at speaking when I’m around you? _ He added mentally.

“About how much of a crush you had on me when you were little.”

Lelouch flushed harder and turned away, burying his head in the duvet, “It wasn’t  _ that  _ big a crush, don’t let your head get too big!”

“It was enough of a crush that nearly ten years later you’d be in a committed relationship with me.” Suzaku pointed out, sitting beside him. 

“Shh!” If there had been another pillow Lelouch would have thrown it at him. 

Suzaku laughed and put the pillow back. “It’s flattering, really.”

Lelouch immediately picked it up and went to hit him with it. The second he turned his headache came back full force and he collapsed.  

“Woah, you okay?” Suzaku tentatively poked Lelouch’s shoulder. 

“I think... so...” he carefully moved himself so he was lying on the bed properly. “Are there any painkillers hanging around?”

Suzaku scrambled to his feet and disappeared for a moment, coming back with the box of painkillers he had for his injury. He hadn’t been using them much. “Here. I’m sure it won’t do you any harm to take one or two.” 

Lelouch took two immediately, “I thought you were supposed to take these for your injury. You’ve had,” He checked, “Three. Suzaku that’s not good. You’re supposed to look after yourself!” He winced as the pain in his head spiked. 

Suzaku shrugged. “I’m supposed to take them if it hurts. It hasn’t been hurting that much.”

“That much. That’s... you don’t have to be strong all the time you know.”

“It’s not about being strong. I just didn’t feel like it was necessary.” Suzaku lay back and poked at the injury like it was a bruise. It definitely hurt when touched. “You know I have a high pain threshold.”

Lelouch slapped at his hand, “Don’t poke it!”

Suzaku sighed, but did as he was told. 

About half an hour later Lelouch sat up again, headache mostly tamed by the drugs. “I’m fed up with this. I want to do something!”

“Like what?” Suzaku asked, looking over at him. 

Lelouch grinned at him, “Plan a revolution. Let’s overthrow the government Suzaku! It would be surprisingly easy at the moment.”

Suzaku gave him an unimpressed look. “No.”

He laughed, “I was joking. But seriously though it wouldn’t be hard to topple the government the way it is now...”

“That’s why we’re here to protect it.”

“Mm well you are.”

“You are now too.”

“Sort of. I want to do more but... I really shouldn’t.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll keep you in check.”

Lelouch smiled at him, “I’m sure you will. You know part of me wants to share the role of Zero. It’s yours now of course but I want to get involved in politics even in an advisory capacity. It’s sad isn’t it. 19 and already my political career has peaked.”

“Well... when it’s bodyguard duty, I’ll wear the mask, and when it’s political, you can do it. I never did feel comfortable in political settings.”

Lelouch had been thinking exactly the same thing but he wanted to see if Suzaku would suggest it. It would mean more coming from him. The position was Suzaku’s after all and the decision to share it would be his as well. “That sounds perfect.”

“But I will be watching you, and I will be on standby if you get carried away.” He warned. 

Lelouch accepted the warning with a nod, “I’ll do my best.” He smiled inwardly, excited to be able to use his mind fully again. He was also looking forward to being Zero. He’d had some of the best times of his life, felt most alive, when wearing it. He’d also had some horrific times but he wasn’t thinking about that right now. 

“Good.” Suzaku leaned in and kissed his cheek, glad to see him happy. “I’m putting a lot of trust in you here.”

“I know.” Lelouch threaded his fingers through Suzaku’s. 

“And don’t forget, everything you do in that mask reflects on me, too.” Suzaku teased. “They won’t know the difference between us.” He chuckled to himself. “Between my physical abilities and your genius, Zero is going to be seen as a superhero.” 

“Did you even speak to any of the politicians apart from saying hello?” Lelouch joked, nudging Suzaku and laughing.

Suzaku grimaced. “Not really. I just intimidate them from afar.”

Lelouch tried not to laugh and patted him consolingly. “You’re very good at that.”

“I think they’re gonna be a lot more scared of me if I keep quiet than if I make halfhearted attempts to contribute. I’m not you, I’m made for following orders, not giving them.”

Lelouch laughed and raised an eyebrow, patting the bed next to him. “Flattery will get you everywhere.” 

Suzaku slid over into the offered spot, kissing his cheek. “I’ve realised this.”

“You know me too well.” Lelouch kissed him properly but didn’t let it go any further. “I believe you said something about brushing my hair.”

“I did. If you’re happy to let me.”

“Of course I’ll let you.” Lelouch reached up and pulled the towel off his head before doing the same to Suzaku, ruffling his hair. “Do you even brush your hair?”

“Of course I do.” Suzaku protested. “It’s just kind of wavy. It’s messy no matter what I do to it.” 

Lelouch laughed, “I can try and help you if you want. Though I’m not quite sure what we can do with it.”

“It doesn’t look  _ bad _ , does it?” Suzaku asked a little self-consciously.

“I love you hair. It’s so... fluffy.” Lelouch ran his hand through it gently. 

Suzaku laughed. “It’s still wet, Lelou. It’s not fluffy right now.”

“Well not now.” He rolled his eyes. 

“It’s probably all in knots, too. Do you have a comb?” 

“Who do you take me for? Of course I have one!” Ignoring the spinning in his head and the sudden lurch his stomach gave he climbed out of bed and walked towards the dresser as Suzaku watched him with a fond little smile. He grabbed the comb he used to use all the time before getting a second, slightly larger one for Suzaku and walking back to the bed. He lay down with as much grace as he could muster, feeling pretty grim. “Is this okay?”

“Sure. Sit up for me?” 

Lelouch sat up obediently and leant back into Suzaku. 

Suzaku chuckled and tapped his shoulder. “No. Up. I can’t comb your hair if you’re leaning on me.” Lelouch grumbled but sat up straight and moved further from Suzaku. Suzaku kissed his shoulder and then started running the comb through Lelouch’s fine, dark hair, working the tangled out from the bottom up and being very careful not to tug. 

Lelouch relaxed into it as he realised how careful Suzaku was being. “You know, I’ve never let anyone do this before.” 

“Not even Nunnally?”

“Really? Nunnally? She was blind and getting nowhere near my hair. She used to play with it when we were younger and it would always end up horrifically tangled.” He shuddered remembering how long it took to comb out. 

Suzaku laughed. “It’s not about how good she is at it. It’s about familiarity and comfort.” 

“Still. I used to brush her hair though.”

“It’s a special thing.” Suzaku murmured, running the comb through his hair gently. Lelouch’s hair was relatively long, brushing the back of his neck easily. 

Lelouch shivered as the comb touched his neck. “That tickles.”

“In a good way?”

“Mm.” Lelouch was fairly sure all the tangles were out of his hair by now but he liked the feeling so said nothing. 

Suzaku took his sweet time working every knot out and styling it to Lelouch’s preferred style, not wanting to stop. When he finally conceded that he was done, He brushed Lelouch’s hair away from his neck and kissed the side of it. “Aishiteru, Lelouch.” He muttered, his accent coming through in the way he pronounced Lelouch’s name. 

Lelouch leaned back into Suzaku now he was allowed. He loved the way Suzaku pronounced his name. “Aishiteru Suzaku.” 

Suzaku smiled and hugged him against his chest. “You’re beautiful.”

Lelouch kissed the side of Suzaku’s neck. “Thank you.”

“It’s true. And you have gorgeous hair. Great for pulling on.” Suzaku teased. 

Lelouch shuddered, “Don’t say things like that, flattery and innuendo all in one go.”

“You love it.” Suzaku nipped at his ear playfully. 

“Suzaku...” he groaned, letting his head fall back onto Suzaku’s shoulder. 

Suzaku slipped a hand inside Lelouch’s robe, thumbing his nipple. “It’s your own fault for being so desirable.”

Lelouch gasped and arched into the contact. Something about Suzaku having to reach under his clothes was incredibly erotic. “Says you.”

“Yes. Says me.” Suzaku purred, toying with him lazily. The hand that wasn’t on Lelouch’s chest found his knee and gently encouraged him to spread his legs. He was grateful that Lelouch hadn’t bothered with underwear. 

The illicit feeling was back, despite the number of times they’d had sex it never got old. Lelouch was painfully turned on but he spread his legs easily. “Suzaku...”

“Yes, Lelou?” Suzaku asked, running delicate fingertips over Lelouch’s inner thigh. 

Lelouch’s ability to think ground to a halt, “Touch me...” His voice was halting and came out sounding more like a desperate whine than an actual request. 

“Like this?” Suzaku asked, cupping his balls and rolling them in his palm, deliberately teasing. 

“Oh god...” Lelouch’s entire body went taut, everything focused on the movement of Suzaku’s hand, “Stop... teasing...” he ground out. 

“I see. More like this.” Suzaku dragged his knuckle up the underside of Lelouch’s cock. 

The light contact was driving him mad, “Suzaku... more...” despite being almost painfully aroused, Lelouch had not yet reached the point at which he’d beg. 

Suzaku hummed softly, wrapping his fingers around Lelouch so he could swipe his thumb over the slit, collecting the little bit of wetness there. Lelouch groaned and pushed his head into Suzaku’s shoulder, his voice came out in a hiss, “Yes...” 

Starting to stroke him slowly, Suzaku held him tightly against his chest, holding him in place as he gave him just enough attention to work him up without giving him enough to get off. Lelouch quickly realised what Suzaku was doing and tried to push up into his grip, wanting - no -  _ needing  _ more. Suzaku’s arm moved from Lelouch’s chest to firmly around his waist, holding him down as he stroked Lelouch slowly. 

“Su...za...ku...” Lelouch’s voice came out sounding more like a sob of pleasure than the stern tone he’d intended. 

“Tell me what you want.” Suzaku muttered into Lelouch’s ear, tone low and seductive. 

Lelouch shivered, “I... I want you...” His voice hitched as Suzaku flicked his wrist, “Please...” he gave in and begged. His mind was too far gone to think straight. He wanted Suzaku inside him and he was finding it hard to remember why that couldn’t happen yet.

“So polite.” Suzaku purred, giving in and tightening his grip, stroking harder. 

Lelouch moaned loudly at the change. “Yes! More... Suzaku... I want... inside... soon...”

“You’ve forgotten how to speak.” Suzaku chuckled as he stroked Lelouch, steadily. 

Lelouch didn’t even try to reply, lost to the pleasure. Soft noises escaped him as he tried to thrust into Suzaku’s hand. The pleasure was building and he wasn’t going to last much longer. Knowing that Lelouch was on the edge, Suzaku twisted his grip, holding Lelouch in place as he writhed. 

“Suzaku!” Lelouch screamed, voice breaking as he came, shaking with pleasure. Suzaku’s hand didn’t stop stroking throughout his orgasm and his vision went white.

Suzaku’s hold on him didn’t loosen, even as Lelouch bucked and squirmed against him. “You made a mess of your robe.” He said into Lelouch’s ear, nipping at his earlobe. “Dirty boy.”"

Lelouch shuddered at Suzaku’s words, whimpering at the overstimulation. He came down slowly from his high, going completely limp in Suzaku’s arms. Suzaku kept touching him until he was twitching and pulling away, and then just cracked him in his arms. “Beautiful.” He said softly, nuzzling the side of his throat. 

Lelouch lay in Suzaku’s arms until he stopped panting. He tried to turn so he could kiss Suzaku but he felt too heavy to move and settled with kissing his cheek. “I... wow...”

“You’re gorgeous like this.” Suzaku said softly, brushing his cheek. “I’ll never get tired of seeing you like this.”

“What... wrecked and sweaty?” Lelouch laughed faintly, still not entirely recovered. 

“Yes. Exactly like that.” Suzaku grinned. 

“Ugh if I didn’t feel limp I’d hit you with a pillow again. The things you do to me...”

“I don’t hear you complaining.”

“I would never.”

Suzaku smiled against his neck. “Good.”

They stayed in bed for the majority of the day, taking it in turns to sleep. Kate came back around in the evening and supervised Lelouch changing Suzaku’s bandages, a task he carried out with extreme attention to detail. She also removed the stitches in his arm. They were told Nunnally would come to speak with them regarding both the trial and Zero in the morning. In bed that night, Suzaku held Lelouch against him and tried to sleep, but it wasn’t working. Between the omnipresent insomnia and the excitement for the following day, he ended up committing the patterns on the bed curtains to memory as Lelouch slept on his chest. 


End file.
